After the Fire

by Felice Stevens

  “Lucas.” Jordan wet his lips, his heart racing with fear. This wasn’t attraction; it couldn’t be. He loved Keith still. His skin crawled with nerves. It must be time for another pill. Or two. But first he had to get away from the close proximity of Lucas Conover. “Come on. The kitchen’s this way. It’s time to feed Sasha.” Without looking behind to see if Lucas followed, he almost ran down the hall to the kitchen.

  Although she’d only been with him for a few days, Sasha had already settled into a routine, one that naturally revolved around her eating. Jordan, excited to have another living creature in the house, lavished all the love he had bottled up inside on her, taking her for long walks, spending time with her in the backyard, and even letting her sleep in his room. Her dark, expressive eyes followed his every move as he filled first a bowl with fresh water, then another with food. As she ate, Jordan went to the refrigerator and took out a couple of beers. Now that he’d removed himself from Lucas’s disturbing closeness, his scrambled wits had settled. Still, he opened a beer and drank half of it in several quick swallows.

  “Uh, Jordan? Is everything all right?” Lucas stood at the entranceway to the kitchen, his arms folded, worry clouding his eyes. “Did I do something to make you want me to leave?” He entered the kitchen, which suddenly seemed too small for them both.

  Shit. Now even Lucas’s voice, sounding all rough and sexy, set him on edge. Throwing up a silent prayer to get control of his sudden raging libido, Jordan managed to face Lucas with a forced smile. “Of course not.” He tried not to focus on Lucas’s face, but it didn’t help quell Jordan’s emotions to have Lucas standing so close in his tight shirt over a pair of dark-rinse jeans. Jordan’s heart began to slam in hard, powerful beats.

  “I, uh, I’ll be right back.” Before Lucas could answer, Jordan sprinted up the stairs to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. With shaking fingers, he fumbled for the pill bottle. After several attempts, he popped it open and shook two yellow pills out. He scooped up a handful of water from the faucet and swallowed them, barely able to choke them down his dry throat. He gripped the edge of the sink and closed his eyes, waiting for his heart to settle.

  Several minutes passed before the room steadied enough for Jordan to return downstairs. First, he checked his reflection in the mirror, and after smoothing his hair, he attempted a smile. Hmm. Perhaps not. He didn’t need to smile anyway. Time to go back and pretend all was well. Descending the steps, he heard Lucas’s quiet voice murmuring to the dog. Silently, he peeked into the kitchen.

  Lucas sat cross-legged on the floor. Sasha’s head lay in his lap, and he smoothed his hand over and over the silky part of her head, scratching under her ears. Straining but keeping as quiet as possible, Jordan could just make out Lucas’s words.

  “Sweet baby girl. You’re so lucky to be here. He’s gonna take good care of you.” In this unguarded moment, Jordan detected a slight Southern accent. Sort of like how Ash sounded when he spoke so lovingly to Drew. Regardless of the pills he’d taken, Jordan’s heart once again began to ricochet against his breastbone.

  God, he was fucked. No matter how he tried, his body betrayed both his mind and his heart. It was merely getting so close to another man, any man since Keith had died. Absently, he rubbed the wedding band on his finger, its smooth warmth centering him. Remembering the day they’d picked out their rings didn’t bring the usual stabbing pain. A gentle calm descended on him. He’d buried Keith with the matching ring on his finger. It seemed only right that if they couldn’t be married in life, Keith would be wedded to him in eternity. Bringing his hand to his face, he stroked his finger against his lips, as if it were the kiss of his lover.

  “You all right?”

  Jordan jumped at the sound of Lucas’s voice. He’d been lost in such a strong daydream he hadn’t even realized the man had stood up. The pills, along with the beer, made him a bit woozy. “Uh, yeah, fine. Why don’t we order some lunch?” He gestured with his hand at a stack of takeout menus on the counter. “Pick whatever you like. I don’t eat much these days.”

  They decided on pizza, the easiest thing, and Jordan called it in. Delivery was always quick, and he and Lucas had just finished their beers when the doorbell rang with their food. Jordan placed the pizza box on the wide center island, creating a safe barrier between him and Lucas.

  “Can you take two more beers out of the refrigerator? I’ll get the plates.”

  “Sure.”

  They might have been any couple sitting and enjoying a Saturday afternoon lunch, and perhaps that depressed Jordan the most. If he didn’t choose to remember, Keith might have never lived here. Everyone nagged at him to start living again but for what? Before Keith, no one had touched him or opened him up to face his truth. Why bother to take the chance to start fresh, when pain waited in the wings? He nibbled on the edge of a slice of pizza.

  He hadn’t heard anything from Jerry concerning Lucas’s past and decided the time had never been better to ask questions on his own.

  “Why don’t you tell me about yourself?” The warm garlicky pizza smell should have set his mouth watering but his appetite had yet to return. “Did you grow up in New York?”

  “No.” Lucas bit into a slice and chewed, his eyes suddenly wary.

  “So where are you from?” Getting this man to talk wouldn’t be easy, but Jordan had all day.

  “Down south.”

  A brief smile curved Jordan’s lips. “I thought I detected a bit of a twang. Where about?”

  “Why all the questions?”

  If you didn’t want to answer a question you asked one of your own. Jordan had learned that when Keith would discuss interrogation techniques. But Jordan was a persistent bastard and had every intention of finding out as much as he could about the enigmatic man in his kitchen.

  “Why’re you being so defensive? If we’re going to be working together we might as well get to know each other better.” He swiveled his chair so he faced Lucas and quirked a brow. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”

  Lucas snorted. “That’s bullshit. Everyone has something to hide. It all depends on how good you are at faking it.” Gazing down at the half-eaten slice of pizza in his hand, Lucas’s expression sobered. “And some things remain better off buried deep.” He tossed the pizza on the plate.

  Watching Lucas lost in his own mind, Jordan wondered what secrets Lucas had buried that caused him to keep people at a distance. He wondered why he cared. The man had pushed him away and been nothing but rude, yet instead of it putting him off, Jordan remained intrigued.

  “I wonder if that’s true,” said Jordan, thinking of his feelings toward Drew. “Isn’t it better to put things on the table and talk it out? That’s what my therapist says.”

  “I don’t know.” Lucas said nothing further and Jordan decided to drop the topic. After all, he’d been hiding a shit-ton of stuff from people and the last thing he needed was for Lucas to get curious and prod him to reveal his own secrets.

  Lucas bent to murmur soft words to Sasha who, sensing an easy touch for food, sat patiently by his stool. Watching the man’s long fingers stroke the dog’s ears, the earlier warmth rekindled deep within Jordan. He ached for the life he once had and now feared was lost forever. People thought him cold and superior but it was all an act, one he used to cover up the fear he’d never find anyone to love. Falling in love had lulled him into a false sense of tranquility that his life would always be as perfect as those moments spent with Keith. Now it all seemed like tunnel vision, far away and beyond his reach. How long could he exist without being touched or touching someone else? And why did he think these thoughts only when Lucas was around? Troubled and confused, he pushed away the pizza and drank his beer instead.

  Lucas stopped petting Sasha and studied him instead. “You’re way too thin.”

  Jordan bristled at the criticism. “It’s no big deal.”

  Lucas’s mouth quirked up in a slight grin. “Not if you don’t mind looking like a skeleton. You
have no strength.” He folded his arms. “You’re weak. I could take you down in a second.”

  A vision of him and a sweaty, naked Lucas, rolling around on his bed, lips fused together, flashed through Jordan’s head. His mouth dried. Face burning, he stood and turned his back, mumbling, “Yeah, so what the hell, I’m out of shape.”

  “I could help you.” Lucas slid off his stool and stood by his shoulder.

  Unused to such close proximity from another person now, Jordan’s shoulders stiffened and he spun around. “Help me what?”

  “Train you, get you back in shape.” Luke came closer. “You’re a bag of bones. You’re pale, and you have no strength or muscle tone.” His voice gentled. “You’ve had it rough, but I know if you worked your body, it would help your mind.”

  Jordan took a step back. “Maybe you’re right. We could go running and take Sasha with us.” At the sound of her name, Sasha whined. Jordan was amazed she’d learned it in such a short time, but she was proving to be highly intelligent.

  Lucas agreed. “Yeah, but you also need to do some weight training. Lifting, leg presses, that kind of stuff. You need to build your upper-body strength.” His large, warm palm descended on Jordan’s shoulder. “All I feel is bones.”

  And all I feel is you. Jordan’s knees almost buckled at the touch of Lucas’s hand on his body. For the first time in almost a year, his body’s response to being touched nearly overwhelmed him. Hadn’t he sat at this very table not too long ago, in total despair, vowing never to feel again? How could it be then that this man’s hand on him had him nearly shivering with a need so violent and intense, he thought he might break apart if he moved?

  His breath caught in his throat as Lucas’s hand slid from his shoulder to his back and turned him around so they faced each other, and he could see the dark uncertainty in Lucas’s eyes.

  “Lucas.”

  Jordan’s whisper was lost in the tentative brush of Lucas’s lips against his trembling mouth. It should have shocked him, but Lucas’s lips felt so soft against his own and so warmly alive he couldn’t help but melt into his touch. So gentle. So sweet. Lucas’s hesitant fingers traced a trembling path along Jordan’s cheek, then down the cords of his neck. Dismayed at his body’s reaction, Jordan stood frozen, unable, and God help him, unwilling to move. The shock of another man’s touch bringing him pleasure both scared and excited him.

  Emotionally he might not be ready to move on but physically his body ached for this contact, for Lucas to touch and hold him. And without allowing himself to fall into self-analysis, Jordan wound his fingers around the curls resting on the nape of Luke’s neck, and arched into the kiss, as eager to give as to receive.

  Good, so good. Jordan’s mind spun in fuzzy circles as he sucked Lucas’s thick, wet tongue into his mouth. How had he lived so long without the touch of another person? No wonder his life had become an emotional wasteland. He slid his hands down Lucas’s broad back, only to freeze at the feel of the man’s erection prodding him. Kissing was one thing, but was he ready to take the next step?

  Lucas’s cock thrust upward into the cradle of Jordan’s hips. The reality of Lucas’s desire broke through the fog of Jordan’s mind, and he pushed away from the circle of Lucas’s hard arms.

  “I-I can’t. I’m not ready for this.” He fixed his gaze on the floor, embarrassed at letting down his guard, angry at what he thought of as his betrayal of Keith. Terrified at having to start his life over again. It hadn’t hit him how lonely he really was until now, and how afraid and unprepared he was to take this first step back to normalcy.

  Lucas’s harsh, raspy breath slowed. “Jordan?”

  There was no way Jordan could have a conversation right now or even look Lucas in the eye. “It’s not your fault. It’s me. I’m sorry I led you on.”

  “You didn’t. I shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong, and I apologize. It won’t happen again.” To his surprise, Lucas’s voice, normally so deep, sounded uncertain and strained.

  Jordan still couldn’t bring himself to look at Lucas even though the intoxicating taste of the man remained in his mouth. He couldn’t admit he wanted more. Heartbreak, loss, desire, and lust twisted and warred with each other inside his mind. It wasn’t until he heard the click of the front door that he realized Lucas had left.

  What the hell had he done?

  Chapter Seven

  The weeks following the debacle in Jordan’s kitchen were brutal for Luke. Even though he’d barely had time to breathe between conference calls and meetings, the way he’d left Jordan standing so devastated in his kitchen weighed on his conscience. Twice he’d called to apologize, but each time, Jordan had sounded like he did the first time they met: polite, distant, and cold.

  Many nights were spent attending to the start-up details of the foundation, and only because it was absolutely necessary as chief financial officer did he attend. Jordan would come in after everyone had already arrived, and leave as soon as the meeting was over. His pale blue eyes flickered over Luke without a hint of recognition or friendliness.

  If Luke tried to catch his eye, Jordan averted his head, refusing to meet his gaze. Maybe Luke shouldn’t have kissed him, but Jordan’s extreme reaction pissed him off. After all, Luke didn’t kiss himself. Jordan had been a more than willing participant.

  Very willing, as Luke remembered the push of Jordan’s smooth tongue into his mouth and how his long fingers dug into Luke’s hair as he held him tight. The scrape of Jordan’s slight stubble against his jaw and the light, teasing scent of his expensive cologne lingered in Luke’s mind.

  He wants me but can’t admit it.

  His body tightened at the recollection. Dr. Jordan Peterson could turn out to be one of the biggest challenges of his life, and Luke loved challenges. It was how he’d pulled himself up from nothing when he first came to New York City. Someone only had to tell Luke no, and that was all the impetus he needed to make it a yes. It was why he was so successful in business.

  Dispassionately, Luke stared out of the window of the cab as it traveled through the streets of the city toward home. As attractive as Jordan was, Luke didn’t have time to deal with the man’s baggage. Luke’s infrequent sexual encounters were little more than a meeting of bodies in the dark and a quick release. The effort had grown depressing and tiresome, so he’d stopped trying altogether. One thing he didn’t need was a conflicted, overly emotional man. As attractive and sexually appealing as Jordan was, Luke had no desire to get sucked into his world.

  In the end, Luke decided Jordan might be the one challenge he wasn’t willing to accept.

  Yet…from the moment Jordan stepped into his office weeks ago and rocked his world with his cocky attitude and arrogant airs, Luke had thought of little else. Now that he knew him slightly better, Luke realized Jordan’s pride and superiority masked a well-hidden insecurity. A shield he used to protect himself. Men like Jordan didn’t respect anyone who bowed down to them too easily. They pushed everyone away, to find out who was genuine and also to keep their own secrets close to their hearts. Because Luke sensed Jordan had secrets of his own. Those dark shadows in his eyes weren’t only caused by grief. Whatever Jordan hid had the possibility of blowing up his world.

  Luke never bowed down to anyone. But then again, he wasn’t looking for a relationship with Jordan. He’d meant what he said. Jordan needed some time at the gym to not only get physically stronger but to mentally work through his problems. Luke had done that very thing for himself. Normally he wouldn’t give a shit, but if the two of them would be working closely on this project there was no need for it to be uncomfortable. They’d be work partners, nothing more. The weirdness of the kiss would fade, and life would go on.

  Satisfied with the way he’d worked everything out in his mind, he exited the cab, anxious to get inside and out of his suit and tie and relax. As he watched the cab pull away, an unbidden image of Jordan popped into his head and Luke realized he didn’t live all that far from Jordan’s town house,
maybe six or seven blocks at the most.

  “Hi, Arthur.” He nodded to the gray-haired doorman. “Anything doing tonight?” Arthur and the daytime doorman had been instructed to tell anyone not on his approved visitor list that he was either away on business or not at home. That took care of his foster brother Ash’s attempts to see him at home when he couldn’t get through to him at the office.

  “Not tonight, sir. Nice and quiet.” The doorman handed him some files that had been messengered over from his office. Because it was the weekend didn’t mean the workload ended.

  “Thanks.” Luke glanced at the files, then got his mail and took the elevator up to his apartment. Ever since he’d found out that Jordan had taken in a stray dog, he’d debated getting a dog himself, or even a cat. Something living to come home to, that would be waiting for him. Something that would care if he lived or died, even if it was only for their own creature comfort. But with his insane hours, it wouldn’t be fair to leave an animal cooped up all day and half the night alone.

  He unlocked his door and flipped on the light, hating the darkness. Immediately, he turned on the television to keep him company. He had it programmed to one of the business channels so he could keep up-to-date with the foreign markets. The only benefit to working late at his firm was the full dinner spread they always provided to the staff, so he didn’t have to worry about food. Beer, on the other hand, he always had in full supply. He opened a bottle and took a deep, satisfying swallow.