No. Not his brother. Not any longer. Never again.
But he knew it wasn’t true. Because the mere sight and sound of Ash thrust that yearning he thought he’d buried years ago back to the surface. A yearning to once again have a family, have his brothers back in his life. Goddamn it. He couldn’t handle it. He needed to leave.
“Lucas.”
He glanced up at Jordan’s stricken face. “What are you so upset about? Go back inside with your friends. I didn’t mean to break up your party.”
As usual, Jordan ignored what he said and sat next to him on the step. “Don’t be stupid. This is more important.” Jordan placed his hand on Sasha, smoothing the fur on her head. “So, Ash is your brother?”
“My foster brother. It was the three of us—Brandon, Ash, and myself.” A trembling began deep within him. This exposure was what he’d feared the most—strangers pitying him, looking down at him, thinking him weak. “Ash left right before he turned eighteen, ran away in fact.”
“That must have been rough for him, leaving home all by himself.” Jordan’s thoughtful voice had lost its usual patronizing tone.
“It was rough for us to stay.”
He’d ceased petting the dog, who wandered up the stairs and back into the house. Jordan’s warm, dry palm slid over the top of his hand, entwining their fingers together. A frantic pounding began in his heart, resonating in his head and chest. It took a supreme strength of will to draw a breath deep enough to reach his lungs. Their linked hands rested between them on the steps.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Jordan.
“Not here.…” A squeeze from Jordan’s hand startled him. To think he might have an ally, or someone he could confide in, after all his isolated years, overwhelmed him. “I can’t talk to him now. I won’t. He left me to live with a monster. It’s been fifteen years since I’ve seen or heard from him. He can’t expect me to—”
“Hey, hey, relax.” The grip on his hand tightened. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want. If you want to go, I think everyone would understand.” Jordan’s soothing voice flowed over him, his thumb circling over the top of Luke’s hand. “I’ll make our excuses, and we can go.”
Shocked, Luke swiveled around on the steps, drawing closer to Jordan, their knees touching. “I can’t let you do that. It isn’t fair to Esther. She told me how much she looked forward to you coming today.” He leaned closer to Jordan, who never took his steady gaze off him. “She told me all about you. How you always stood up for your friends and tried to protect them, even when you were boys.”
“Nice try, but this isn’t about me, for once. It’s about you and your pain.” Jordan’s leg slid closer, hard and warm against his thigh. Luke froze.
Their mouths were mere inches apart, lips poised to touch. He heard nothing save for their mutual breaths and the rush of blood through his veins. Something dark and deep unfolded within him, exposing his heart. And for the first time, Luke needed someone, wanted someone to hold on to. Loneliness had been his companion for so long, he’d never imagined there could be anyone else to share himself with.
Gone was the arrogant demeanor Jordan carried around with him. In its stead was a man whose blue eyes gazed upon him with a tenderness he’d never seen.
“Let me help you for once, Lucas.”
An unknown emotion coiled in the pit of Luke’s stomach as Jordan reached up to brush aside the curls falling over his brow. Not content, however, to stop with that brief touch, Jordan’s hand trailed down his face, coming to rest against his cheek. Jordan whispered, “Please.”
In Jordan’s eyes, Luke viewed a yearning, a hunger so fierce and bold it robbed him of all capacity to speak. Desire, hot and thick, flooded through him, and no longer willing to remain passive, he brushed his lips against Jordan’s. The immediate soft gasp of satisfaction played like music to his ears. The kiss stayed sweet and light, but the promise of more remained. Luke sensed it in the ripples racing under the fine skin of Jordan’s neck and the trembling hand that remained on his face.
And he wanted more, God help him.
Luke slid his tongue against the seam of Jordan’s lips and he opened his mouth, granting entrance into its heated depths. Their lips slanted together, and his breath grew short. Jordan’s mouth fit over his, locking into place like the last missing piece of a puzzle Luke had been searching for his whole life.
Like he’d never been kissed before.
In matters of the heart, Luke was a virginal schoolboy in uncharted territory. Except there was no fumbling or missteps, no embarrassment or rushing. Kissing Jordan was like getting swept up in wave after wave of sensation, every nerve ending awakening for the first time, fresh and new.
He drew back, reluctant to stop kissing but fearful of exposure should someone come outside. Jordan’s eyes remained closed for a moment; he opened them and gave a tentative smile.
“I’m not sorry this time.” Jordan raked his hands through his hair, to smooth it back off his face. “It felt good to offer you comfort, for once.”
The smile froze on Luke’s face. He made sure to speak very carefully so as not to break down and lose control. “So that’s all it was—a pity kiss?”
“Are you serious?” Jordan’s horrified expression mollified Luke somewhat. “Why would I pity you? Aside from knowing Ash, that is.”
That set Luke to thinking. “Why do you hate him so much?”
Jordan leaned back, bracing his hands on the steps and stretching his legs out in front of him. “Hate is a rather strong word.” Even though his voice remained calm, Luke could see pain in those troubled eyes. “I don’t trust him, no matter that he and Drew have been together all these months. Before he met Drew, even when he first met him, Ash was a player. He’d screw anything on two legs. He even made a pass at me, years ago.”
Whoa…not what he’d expected to hear. “Um, so did you ever get together?” For the life of him, he didn’t want to know, yet he had to find out the answer all the same. His stomach soured at the thought of Ash’s hands on Jordan’s body.
The look of distaste on Jordan’s face sent all of Luke’s misgivings out the proverbial window. “Christ, no. I would never be interested, and I told him so. He didn’t want to believe me and wouldn’t leave me alone. I almost had to threaten him with a restraining order.” Jordan broke out in a huge grin. “Took the wind right out of his sails.”
“Yet your friend had no problem with his past?” Of course Ash’s life interested him. Now that they’d been face-to-face, sooner or later he knew he’d end up speaking to him. Better to find out his whole story ahead of time. “I’m surprised at the two of them. Drew seems pretty nonthreatening. Not the tough, strong personality I’d always figured Ash would go for.”
Sasha had come outside through the half-opened front door and down the steps, looking for some attention. Jordan let her lick his hand before continuing. “Don’t let his size fool you. Drew may not be physically big and overpowering—but he is one of the strongest people I know. He had to be after his parents were killed. But he’s also the nicest person you’ll ever meet and sees the good in everyone. In many ways, he’s like Esther. I think that’s what drew Ash to him.”
That made sense. Ash would want to surround himself with people who made him feel good since he was such a miserable son of a bitch.
“To be fair to Ash,” Jordan continued, “he’s never given me one reason to doubt his feelings for Drew. He’s been nothing but faithful to him from the time they met. I know he loves Drew.”
“Yet there’s something else, isn’t there?” Luke hugged his knees to his chest and clasped his arms around his legs. “Something about their relationship that goes beyond the way you feel about Ash?” Jordan’s face tightened and turned away, and Luke knew he’d hit a nerve. When it became apparent Jordan didn’t plan on answering him, Luke left his side and returned to the porch. “I think we should go back inside. I feel bad Esther’s party had to be interrupted because
of me. You were right. She’s a special lady and doesn’t deserve this.”
Jordan stood up, Sasha at his heels. Luke looked down at them and wondered why this man above all others had insinuated himself into his life and his mind. Here Luke was, breaking all the rules he’d set in place to prevent it from happening—encouraging it even, by wanting to drag Jordan up against him to kiss him again and hold him close. And maybe, just maybe never let him go. There wasn’t anything he could do to stop it, he admitted, watching Jordan and Sasha walk up the steps to meet him.
Sometimes you walk into a room and meet someone, and though you know you’ve never seen them before, they’re no stranger. Your body recognizes them, even if your mind doesn’t. Right from the start, Luke’s body had recognized Jordan.
Releasing some of the inner strength he’d worked so hard to acquire to keep people away, Luke shocked himself by putting his hand on Jordan’s shoulder, kissing him on the cheek, and opening his heart for the first time. “Thanks for coming out here, Prep School. You barely know me.”
“You’re wrong.” Jordan covered his hand. “I know you. I know you’re kind but like to hide it for reasons you can’t yet share. I know you’ve been hurt and have walls up to keep people out. Maybe one day we’ll find that trust between us.”
Luke remained silent and unmoving as Jordan leaned over and kissed him, a mere brush of their lips, yet it set off a glow of fire in his belly. “I also know you shouldn’t be alone to face Ash for the first time in years. Now let’s go back inside and confront your brother. I’m on your side.” He held out his hand, and Luke took it, then followed him back into the house. No one had ever been on his side before. Having an ally made facing Ash easier, but having that ally be Jordan meant everything.
Upon their reappearance in the kitchen, Luke glanced at the clock, shocked it had only been half an hour since his entire world had been rocked to its core. Mike and Rachel had disappeared, Luke noticed, but Drew remained seated next to Ash, their entwined hands a symbol of their united strength.
With a start, he realized he still held Jordan’s hand. He tried to pull away, but Jordan held tight, squeezing his fingers as a warning he shouldn’t let go. Luke cleared his throat and spoke directly to Esther.
“I’m so sorry I messed up your birthday celebration. I know you’re aware of what a shock this has been to me. Please forgive me, and I’ll understand if you’d rather I left so you can share this afternoon with your family.”
Jordan’s hand once again squeezed his tightly. It was then that Luke caught sight of the pile of crumpled tissues on the table at the place where Esther sat. It wasn’t right that a woman should cry about anything on her birthday. He finally pulled free from Jordan’s hold and sat down on the opposite side of the table from Ash and Drew. He still didn’t understand what Ash saw in the pale, green-eyed man, but there was no accounting for taste. His gaze flickered for a moment back to Jordan. Who would think he’d be attracted to a man with an ego the size of the Grand Canyon? Yet he was.
“I want to thank you for your hospitality, Esther, and—”
“Oh, you mustn’t go. Please. You’ve only just gotten here. You must stay. Jordan, darling, make him stay.” Esther grabbed Luke’s hands in hers, showing surprising strength.
But Luke didn’t need Jordan to make his decisions for him. “I don’t belong here. This day is for your family and friends. Strangers don’t belong.”
“Oh, young man. Strangers are merely the friends I haven’t met yet. And at my age, I don’t have time to go out and meet all the friends I don’t yet know.” Her blue eyes twinkled, and he couldn’t help but get drawn into her warmth. “I think you must be a very special friend for our Jordan to have brought you here today.”
“Now, Esther, don’t start.” Jordan settled into the seat next to him.
“I don’t know what you mean.” Esther sniffed.
“Nana,” Drew interjected. “I think Ash and Luke might want some time to themselves to talk. I’m sure they have some things to say that only need to be shared between the two of them.”
Luke met Drew’s frank stare across the table. Huh.
“I don’t have anything to say to him that can’t be said in front of all of you.”
Ash, his mouth a tight, grim line, sat quietly while Drew took over.
“I’m sure, Luke, if you gave Ash a chance to explain, you’d change your mind.”
“Considering you know nothing about me, Drew, you shouldn’t be so sure about my state of mind.” He gestured toward Ash with a brush of his hand. “Go ahead”—he pinned Ash with a glare—“explain. I’m all ears, big brother. Tell me why you left and never came back when you promised you would. Tell me why you never wrote one letter to see if we were even still alive.” He crossed his arms. “Go ahead. I’m waiting.”
Ash paled, and his eyes glittered with wetness. He opened his mouth to speak, then shook his head and lowered his gaze to the floor.
This wasn’t turning out as he’d dreamed all these years. It gave him no satisfaction to witness Ash’s pain. From his reaction, it seemed obvious Ash had suffered too. Shame replaced the anger flooding Luke’s body.
A thin, warm hand covered his. “Lucas, dear boy. May I speak with you in private for a moment?” Esther’s bright eyes held his.
“Esther, I know you want me to listen. But you’re Drew’s grandmother, so of course you want Ash and him to be happy.” The words stuck in his throat. In another place and time, he might have belonged at a table like this, with a family who cared about him as much as they did Ash.
“Come, please.” She stood and left the room, and because he respected her age, he followed her. She led him into a beautifully furnished living room and indicated he should sit. “Now, while it’s true I want my grandchildren to be happy and I consider Asher like my own grandson, I never turn a blind eye to their faults. I understand it’s a shock for you to come here and have him thrust back into your life.” She pulled a small handkerchief out of her sleeve and wiped her eyes, then wrapped it into a tight little ball held fast within her fist.
“You are wise not to speak to each other tonight. Emotions are running high, and you both need a chance to cool down.”
Luke sat and listened.
“But you need to talk. There are things that happened to Asher you aren’t aware of, as I’m sure there are things you should tell him about your life.” Her shrewd gaze held his. “You’ve suffered greatly as well, haven’t you, dear boy?”
Before he realized what he was doing, Luke found himself answering her. “Yes.”
A cloud passed over her face, dimming the light in her eyes. “I’m sure Jordan will help you through it, as my Drew helped Asher with his demons. Love teaches you to give of yourself.” She patted his hand. “I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to see Jordan has finally decided to move on and find love again. You’ve made him happy.”
“We’re friends, nothing more.”
“Very well, dear. If you say so.” She patted his hand again. “I’ve known these boys since they were in diapers, but you know better, I’m sure.”
Luke couldn’t hold back his grin. She was very cute.
“So you’ll stay, and we’ll all eat dinner together and have my birthday cake, right?”
How could he say no to her? Ice water would have to run in his veins, and by now, after all that had happened, he hadn’t the strength to say no. “All right. Thank you, Esther, for opening your home to me.”
They returned to the kitchen, where Jordan, Drew, and Ash sat in uncomfortable silence. Luckily, Rachel and Mike rejoined them, and soon the discussion turned to the foundation where Luke felt more comfortable and before he knew it, he outlined what they’d accomplished so far. Over the past month, he’d done a lot of behind-the-scenes work, and an unfamiliar glow filled him when everyone at the table congratulated him on having the after-school center up and running earlier than anticipated. It was the warmth of acceptance, of belonging.
/> Esther slid a piece of her birthday cake in front of him after dinner had been cleared away. “I can’t think of anything better to do with your life than helping others. And to carry on sweet Keith’s dream?” She patted his hand. “You’re a mensch.”
Jordan laughed, but Luke didn’t understand. “What is that? What does that mean?”
Esther poured his coffee and explained. “It’s a Yiddish word, meaning someone who does good for others without expecting anything in return.”
Drew interjected, speaking for the first time. “It’s a compliment, Luke, and my grandmother doesn’t give those very often.”
Luke stared hard at Drew. Was Drew kidding, trying to get Luke to react, so he and Ash would start a conversation? His gaze flickered to Ash for a moment, and his heart gave a funny thump. The intensity of Ash’s stare, the yearning in those clear, bright eyes threw him. He didn’t look angry or bored to be there. Sadness lurked along with a look Luke had become all too familiar with when living at the shelter. Defeat and fear. Luke couldn’t help but wonder what Ash had lived through when he’d left home. Then Luke remembered how rich Ash was with his Park Avenue address and successful law practice, not to mention this wonderful family who loved him unconditionally, and he tamped down any sympathy for Ash. Obviously he’d managed fine.
But the sight of Drew holding Ash’s hand, their fingers laced together, surprised him. Once again he wondered how they’d met. He’d have to get Jordan to tell him their story.
“Thank you, Esther. I appreciate it.”
Jordan stood. “Esther, it’s been wonderful, but I think we’ll be heading out now. I have to feed Sasha, and I’m sure Lucas has things to do as well.”
When Luke glanced at his watch, he was shocked to see how the afternoon had fled. It was past dinnertime, almost seven o’clock.
After saying his good-byes and promising Esther he’d come again with Jordan, they left. Luke settled in the cushioned seat of the SUV and blew out a breath. Jordan didn’t say a word; he drove away, heading toward the city. It was one of the things Luke appreciated. Jordan never had a need to fill the empty spaces with incessant chatter about crap. His cheeks grew warm as he recalled their kisses earlier. Shit. He hadn’t intended for it to happen, but to himself he’d admit it felt good to have someone to talk to and spend time with. Even though it went against everything he’d trained himself to be, he never stopped yearning for affection. He’d merely learned to live without it—a punishment for the pain of losing Brandon.
After the Fire Page 10