by Mark Eklid
He understood the sacrifice she made. Without it, he knew a wedge could have been driven between them. They might never have been as close again.
Her strength, her sacrifice, had saved their relationship.
Now he had opened the old wounds with all this.
And she felt the need to apologise to him?
‘I’m so sorry to put you through this again,’ he said. ‘You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, not for the world. I love you very much.’
As the words left his mouth it pained him to realise that he did not say them often enough these days.
She lifted her head from his chest. Though she smiled, she still looked wounded. ‘I love you too, Gray, and you’re right. I wouldn’t change a thing really. I’m all right. It’s just been a bit of a shock.’
‘For you and me alike, love.’
Janet nestled back into his chest and they both drifted into their own thoughts. The silence between them was a healing force now. They could cope with anything as long as they could share moments like this.
‘So what was she like then, this girl?’ she said softly, not wanting to challenge the bond between them.
‘Lena? She was nice enough, I think. I didn’t really have that much to do with her, to be honest, until ...well, you know. She always struck me as nice but I never fancied her or anything like that.’
‘Was it a regular occurrence then, this ending up in bed with girls you hardly knew?’ She was teasing him now. He knew it.
‘I wish! I’ve told you before, I only had one proper girlfriend in the whole of the three years at uni and I managed to make a right mess of that relationship as well.’
‘Tell me again.’
‘She was called Sarah and we saw each other for quite a few weeks, in the first year. I quite liked her and we got along really well but the group of blokes I used to hang around with at the time never really accepted her and used to take the piss. I don’t know why they didn’t like her but they always made her feel awkward, like an outsider, when she tried to join in, even when she was with me. I should’ve taken that as a sign that it was time to get some new friends, but I let them get to me and I went all cool with Sarah until we stopped seeing each other altogether. I was a real prick then but it wasn’t because I was nasty or anything. I guess I just decided it was more important to me to try to be accepted by that bunch of mates than it was for me to have Sarah as a girlfriend. I know that’s stupid now, but it made sense then. Anyway, she dropped out, so it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway.’
‘And you didn’t get another girlfriend until the last day of the third year?’
‘I know!’ He shook his head. ‘I was useless with women. I never had the confidence to do all that chatting up. It’s a good job you were desperate.’
She pounded her fist into his chest, playfully.
‘Cheeky sod! I had loads of blokes asking me out. I just felt sorry for you.’
‘Fair enough.’ He chuckled. ‘I’m glad you did.’
They allowed the silence to take over again, relishing their closeness, until Janet spoke.
‘So what do you think you’ll do about this guy? What’s he called?’
Graham sighed.
‘Andreas. I honestly don’t know. I mean, I’m not thinking that I never want to see him again or anything like that, but I don’t know if it’s really ...I don’t know. I’ve got his number. I’ll have to think about it and maybe give him a ring so I can talk to him when I’ve had the chance to take it all in. I wasn’t really in any fit state to listen tonight. We’ll see.’
She put her arm around him and gave him a reassuring squeeze. He moved his hand from her shoulder to stroke the back of her neck beneath her hair.
Whatever change this might bring to their lives, they would cope with it. Together. Just like they always had before.
5
The coffee was almost certainly too cold to still be palatable. The chocolate powder had congealed to a crusty film on top of the froth and was defiantly unlikely to seep through to the chilled liquid beneath. He thought about asking someone if they could warm it up for him in the microwave but didn’t want to take a chance on the timing being wrong.
It was his own fault. Arriving 25 minutes early was ridiculously cautious, especially when the starting point of your journey is only 10 minutes’ walk away. Daft, really. But he had been nervous about coming all afternoon and didn’t want to risk being late. Having made that commitment to be so early, he decided not to start drinking the coffee straight away so that when Andreas did arrive it would look as if he had been there only a couple of minutes, rather than 30.
Graham looked at his watch again. Nearer 35, actually. Andreas was late but, then again, he was driving up from the south – a business meeting, he said – and the traffic on the A38 could be heavy at this time of the evening.
He heard someone coming upstairs and glanced over to see if it was him but it was only the young girl, in her green apron and with her tray under her arm, who had already done a sweep of the room twice to collect empties and would surely notice that the anxious-looking bloke at the table in the corner had still not taken so much as a sip of his drink. So he picked up the cup and pretended to be poised to take a mouthful.
Where is he?
It was three days ago when Andreas called (they must have exchanged numbers, after all) and said he would be driving back past Derby and asked if they could meet up again for a chat. Over coffee. Graham had not been able to muster the courage to make the call himself over the previous two days, so he was glad to have the initiative taken from him.
But the closer it came to the time to meet up again, the more apprehensive he grew. He was still far from certain how to process this whole situation. Part of him was still unsure he believed it to be true – but then why would someone who was apparently far more comfortably placed in life want to make something like this up? In the end, his overwhelming curiosity made it inconceivable that he would cancel or avoid the meeting.
He looked at his watch again.
There was another noise on the stairway. Heavier footsteps this time. The source of them came into view. It was him.
Graham shot to his feet a little too keenly, nudging the table with his legs and sending some of the cold coffee sloshing into the saucer. He raised a hand to signal his position, in the sparsely populated room, but the noise of the chair legs scraping across the floor and the chink of the spoon as it fell from the saucer on to the table had already done that job.
Andreas smiled towards the waving figure in the corner, unable to return the acknowledgement more demonstrably because of the large cup he carried in one hand and the plate in the other.
It had been a warm June day, warm enough to leave the jacket in the car. Warm enough, too, for rolled-up shirt sleeves and an unfastened top button beneath the pulled-open blue tie, but he looked far from over-heated at the end of a long car journey. That was one of the benefits of driving a big posh car, no doubt. His substantial overhanging belly added to the impression that here was a man who enjoyed the good things in life and could afford to indulge in them but his demeanour, not least the way he walked, marked him as someone probably more comfortable on the shop floor than in the boardroom.
He put the cup and the plate down on the table before wiping his right hand on the back of his trousers, as if to make sure it was clean, and then offering it to be shaken by Graham.
‘Sorry I’m a bit late. The A38 was a bitch coming towards Burton.’
The handshake was accepted.
‘That’s OK. I’ve not been here long myself.’
Graham lowered himself back into his chair and picked up his cup, blowing gently at the cold froth to extend the pretence.
Andreas sat opposite and eased forward, cupping his hands, grinning broadly at the figure across the table.
‘I’m so glad you wanted to see me again. I thought I might have scared you off, accosting you in the street like
I did.’
‘No, no, I...’
‘Honestly, you looked like you thought I was going to kill you, you were in such a hurry to get out of the car.’
Graham could see in the expression that the words were a ham-fisted attempt to break the ice, but he was ill-prepared to deal with such full-on playfulness so early in their conversation.
‘No, of course I didn’t... It was a bit of a shock, that’s all. I needed to think.’
‘Sure, I can understand that.’ Andreas sat back in his chair. ‘It was a lot to take in. Do you want some of this?’
He gestured towards the flapjack, half covered in chocolate, on the plate.
‘Fine thanks.’
Andreas broke off a large piece and scooped it into his mouth, hungrily.
‘I’m starving,’ he said, without waiting until he had fully chewed and swallowed the mouthful. ‘I haven’t eaten since lunchtime.’
He tore off another chunk and added it to the remains of the first, hardly breaking the rhythm of the chewing motion, then dabbed at the loose oat flakes on the plate with a plump index finger and brought the finger to his lips to suck the scraps into the mix.
‘It’s good.’
For a few moments, the only noise between them was the soft sound of the flapjack being devoured.
‘How was the meeting?’ asked Graham, needing to ease his own sense of awkwardness with small talk.
‘Hmm, yeah.’ Andreas chewed a little more and then was distracted by a bit of the confection stuck between his teeth, working at it animatedly with his tongue until he was satisfied it was loose.
‘Just a normal meeting. We have a depot in Southampton and I go down there every week or so just to make sure everything is being done properly. You know, bang a few heads together, that sort of thing.’
‘I see,’ said Graham, not really seeing. He had been on the wrong end of heavy-handed management too often.
Clearly, the offending particle was still an issue. Andreas decided it was time to use his finger to deal with it.
‘They’re a decent lot really,’ he added, checking his fingernail to see if he had managed to resolve the problem. ‘But the depot manager’s a bit of a soft touch. Give the drivers too much slack and they’ll take advantage.’
He hesitated, reflecting on a sudden thought.
‘Maybe I should sack him.’
Andreas took out his phone and scrolled down his contacts list. With his thumb hovering over the call button, he peered earnestly across the table.
‘Do you think I should sack him? It’s your decision. You decide.’
Graham stared back, not sure how he was meant to react. Was this a wind-up?
‘I don’t... I’ve never met the guy. No. No, you shouldn’t. You can’t just get rid of somebody like that.’
Andreas considered for a second and then put his phone back into his trouser pocket.
‘Yeah, you’re right,’ he said and picked up his coffee cup.
Graham was confused. What was that about? Was it some sort of bizarre joke or a macho attempt to prove how big a deal he was? Am I meant to be impressed? There was no clue either way in the face of the man opposite as he sipped at his drink. He decided to move the conversation on.
‘I looked you up on Google. Looks like a pretty big operation you’re running.’
‘We’re one of the biggest independent freight companies in the country.’ The assertive tone was intended to leave no doubt that the company was, indeed, a pretty big operation. ’We can run up to 64 artics in total across the two depots, operating in the UK and across Europe mainly, but wherever in the world you want cargo shipping to, basically, we can get it there. We’ve been in family hands since my grandfather – the original Harry Johnson – set it up as a coal business in the forties. His son, who was another Harry – my pappa – took it on in the late eighties and really built it to where it is today and then I took over when he passed. God rest his soul. We’re always in the top 100 companies in the industry and I want to make us one of the top 20. I’ve got big plans.’
‘I see.’ Graham was truly impressed this time.
‘So how did your mother end up being part of that family?’
‘She met pappa when I was four. They fell in love, they married and pappa legally adopted me as his own son. He was a great man. What about you? You married? Kids?’
‘I’ve been married to Janet for 28 years but we never had kids.’ This was not the time to expand on that. ‘Have you got someone, Andreas?’
‘Nah!’ He dismissed the notion with a shake of the head and not a hint of regret. ‘I’ve no time for that. Relationships tie you down. I don’t want that. I’m married to the business.’
That disturbed Graham. He hoped such lack of faith in the benefits of a long-term partner was not born of the uncertainty of the early years of his life and his origin.
‘I know you said Lena told you about me being your natural father and such but I need to know. I’ve been thinking about this all week. What did she actually tell you about me?’
Andreas pushed the last large piece of flapjack into his mouth and eased back, almost to a full recline, chewing as he contemplated his response.
‘She said you knew each other at university. She said you were on the same course and that she quite liked you, but that she never had the nerve to let you know. It’s not really done for a Greek girl, you see. Wasn’t then, anyway. She said you never appeared that interested, anyway, but then it came to the last night of the course and she saw you at a party and that you were really drunk.’
Graham smiled and blushed slightly at the memory.
‘But she told me she had been drinking for most of the day too and that when she saw you she just decided “what the hell!” She said she realised she would probably never see you again anyway, so she decided it was time she found out what she had been missing. You see, she said you were the first man she had been with.’
‘Really?’ That made him feel worse.
‘She said she heard you stumbling around in the morning trying to get into your jeans and that she watched you as you staggered towards the door and that you looked as if you were about to throw up everywhere, so she was glad that you were heading out of the room, but that you didn’t come back and that was it. She didn’t see you again.’
‘And when she found out she was pregnant, what then? Why didn’t she try to find me?’
‘She said she didn’t think you were ready for that kind of responsibility and that she didn’t want to get caught in a relationship with a boy she didn’t really know just because there was a baby. She told me it was her mistake, her fault, and that it would not have been right to make someone else pay for that, so she moved in with my grandparents and they took care of each other.’
He leaned forward, wanting to stress his point.
‘I was always loved. I never felt different or unwanted. That was just normal to me and then, when my pappa came along, it changed, but in a good way. I had a very happy childhood.’
‘I’m very glad.’ There was still an undeniable edge of regret in Graham’s voice, as much as he tried to hide it. It was true that he would not have been ready for parenthood at 21, but he was hurt at not being offered the option, even more so after being told that Lena didn’t think he was mature enough to handle it. There would have been big adjustments and sacrifices to make, but he had confidence in his younger self to think he would have been up to the challenges.
‘I can see you must have been very close to your mother and I’m happy it worked out for all of you – with your other dad as well – but I can’t really understand where I fit into all this now, Andreas. I mean, after the ...accident. After the accident, why did you want to come to find me? I’d never been part of your life, just a name in a story your mother told you. What do you want from me?’
It was the question that had most rattled around Graham’s thoughts since that rainy night outside his home. He had, that night, dismissed
Janet’s suggestion that Andreas could be looking for something other than to meet the man whose biological intervention was the reason for his existence but still it bothered him. However much he could understand, from his own research work, how irritating it can be to have to leave loose ends untied, he had not been able to work out why Andreas had gone to such lengths to find him after all this time.
What made you want to look for me?
What do you want me to be?
Andreas took a sip of coffee and his expression became serious, almost angry.
‘That night, I lost the two most important people in my life. My grandparents on both sides had passed on, I have no aunts or uncles or siblings, so in one moment on one night everything I had was gone.’
He snapped his fingers with a sudden violence, filling the space between them. It made Graham flinch.
‘I had nothing left. I felt emptiness in my life. I was alone but I also had a name. Your name. I had to find you.’ Andreas drew up his right hand with the index finger pointing inches from the face opposite. Graham’s focus was solely on the intense gaze he dared not break.
‘You are the only family I have left.’
Graham swallowed hard. He got it now. The scale of this new responsibility loomed, intimidatingly, above him and made him feel as if he was a speck in its shadow. What Andreas needed from him was far more than the tying up of a loose end. He was needed to provide much more than a branch line on a family tree.
‘So that’s why I decided to look for you.’ All the intensity in Andreas’s expression evaporated in an instant. He sat back and picked up his coffee cup for another sip.
‘It was not so difficult to find you. It’s such an unusual name. By the way, is there any sort of connection with the actor fella?’
Graham shook his head with the usual air of feigned regret.