by Lee Mae
There was no way that I was sticking around if they were. Despite Zack’s promise that there would be no ambush, it was clear his house was not a safe space. There was no way to describe the disappointment I felt at that moment. Every time I thought he was a decent human being, circumstances conspired to prove me wrong. “No, we are done.”
I angrily started gathering my things.
Zack sighed. “You’re leaving?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll give you a ride home,” Zack offered.
“I’d rather walk,” I replied icily.
The two idiots guffawed.
I could see the conflict on Zack’s face, but he went silent. So I got the hell out of there.
I WALKED UNTIL I found a bus stop, grumbling under my breath about what an idiot I’d been. It was clear that spending time with Zack was rotting my brain.
I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. If he wanted to be part of the bully crowd, then I needed to keep my distance or risk hurting myself worse than I’d already been hurt. It wasn’t like his friends would magically accept me. And I didn’t want to be with anyone who would let someone they cared about be treated like shit.
Maybe he doesn’t care.
I paused at the thought. Sure, he’d been friendly during our video chats, but maybe it was all part of a bigger plan. A trap he was setting. Even the little scene in his kitchen could have been staged, a setup to humiliate me somehow. Maybe the plan had been for his friends to arrive and catch us making out. He’d laugh, calling me a fool or an easy lay or Skankzilla.
A part of me didn’t think Zack was capable of that, but if he wasn’t, why did he still hang out with those losers? It was the eternal question that I still didn’t have an answer for.
My phone buzzed and I pulled it out as I reached the bus stop. Part of me hoped it was him begging for forgiveness. Telling me that he’d kicked the two bozos out and wanted me to come back. Instead, it was a text from Trinity.
Hey Nik! Did you hear about Fudd’s party tomorrow night?
Fudd was a senior at Valley, one who had the rare ability to fit into any social clique. He was universally liked, in part because of his super chill attitude. He’d earned the nickname Fudd freshman year, I’d been told, when he started to wear a brown and red hunting cap to school like a certain cartoon character. He still wore that hat today, even though it was very worn and faded.
Nope. What’s the run down?
I looked up and noticed the bus was approaching. Climbing on, I made my way to the back and found a seat. My phone buzzed again.
His folks are out of town for the weekend. And he has a pool! Me and Angel are getting ready together after school. Wanna join?
I sat there, watching the stucco wonderland of Southern California go by and considered my answer. I had nothing planned, and it was getting boring painting my own nails and watching tiktoks all weekend. It could be fun hanging out with the new squad in a party environment. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, I responded.
Sure! I’m in!
When I got home, I started writing in my journal again. My mother had given it to me after my dad’s incarceration. At first I thought it was pointless. A waste of time. But in all honesty, it did help to write out my feelings. Somewhat.
Tonight’s entry was all about Zack and how he continuously allowed his friends to humiliate me without stepping in. It hurt like hell and I was through with giving him chances.
THE NEXT MORNING, I informed my mother that I was going to hang out with my girlfriends and that I’d be home late. She shrugged, saying I was an adult now and that she trusted my judgment. I figured her response had less to do with the fact that I was eighteen and more to do with her not having time to worry about what I was doing. Her boss had her on overtime for the last three weeks and she barely had time to sleep, let alone worry about what I was doing.
I gathered up a few outfit choices and possible accessories, threw them into my bag with my makeup and hair stuff, then headed off to school. At lunch, I found out that Sam and Ash were coming too, making me feel even better about my decision. It was time to have a little fun. It felt like forever since I’d done something to blow off steam. And Lord knows I had plenty of steam to blow off.
THAT NIGHT AT Trinity’s house, we ordered some pizzas and blasted some music while we critiqued each other’s fashion choices. In the end, we decided to throw everything into a pile and mix and match out of each other’s clothes. It definitely made for some interesting choices.
It was also out of my comfort zone. I remembered spending hours getting ready for a party, making sure everything was meticulous. Designer dress, designer shoes, perfect handbag, makeup snatched, and just generally fresh to death.
But my new squad wasn’t as obsessed with social media-required perfection. To them, having fun and being creative was cool, and they didn’t care about designer labels or getting the perfect contours. Loud prints, colorful makeup, and accessories that were oversized or cutesy or ironic were the hallmarks of this new brand of fashion. I learned quickly, though, and found myself enjoying dressing this way more.
I could express myself in a genuine way. It wasn’t making sure I was wearing the same label as everyone else; it was standing out in my bold choices. Tonight, that meant a pair of booty-hugging black sequin shorts, a distressed black heavy metal concert T-shirt with the arms cut off, and a pair of red suspenders. Black fishnet stockings were paired with some high-top canvas sneakers, and I finished it off with a high ponytail and a pair of fashion glasses with thick black frames.
My makeup consisted of bright red lips and a smoky cat’s eye. Sam was so impressed by my skills that she made me do everyone’s makeup, even Ash’s. When we finally left Trinity’s to head to Fudd’s house, I thought we all looked amazing.
Walking into my first senior year house party, I was at first thrown by how different things were. Fudd’s parties were apparently legendary, although no one I’d talked to had actually been to one. I thought about the parties I’d attended back when I was at Augustus, and they’d often been raucous affairs that featured expensive alcohol and food. One kid was notorious for having fully catered pool parties every summer. But Fudd’s kitchen offered only a counter full of snacks, including corn chips, toaster pastries, and pizza pockets.
The fridge had plenty of beer, though, and there were a couple of bottles of wine tucked here and there, all of them with twist-off caps. As we made our way inside, I noted how different the setting was. Most of the kids were outside in the backyard, where a set of Bluetooth speakers blared trap music. There was indeed a pool, but it wasn’t the lavish types I’d been used to in the Hill. No carefully crafted rock waterfalls or color-changing hot tub grottos. It was your typical kidney shaped pool with a rickety diving board at one end in a backyard that was smaller than the four-car garage we’d had in my old house.
Still, no one seemed to care. Some kids were already in the pool, but I didn’t plan on joining them, having brought no bathing suit and not trusting leaving my clothes somewhere. With my luck, Dumb and Dumber would find them and flush them down the toilet.
We made the rounds, saying hi to people and checking out the scene. More and more kids kept pouring into the party, and there were quite a few I didn’t recognize. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I was surprised to see someone from my old school.
“I almost didn’t recognize you,” he said, his voice stunned, as if he’d seen a ghost.
As Trent looked me up and down, I greeted him, struck by a sudden hit of nerves. “Uh, hey there. What are you doing in the Valley?”
Trent shrugged a shoulder. “Slumming it. I would ask you the same thing, but we all know why you’re here.”
I cast a frantic gaze around for my friends, but they were talking to another group a few feet away and hadn’t heard what he’d said. I gave a nervous giggle and told Trent it was nice to see him again.
“How’s life outside the Hills? It’
s clear you’ve made a few changes to your wardrobe.” His eyes traveled slowly from my face to my feet and back again. “I like it. It’s got a trashy vibe that I’m really feeling.”
Trent hadn’t really been a friend back at Augustus, but we had run in the same circles. Which meant he knew everything about what went down with my dad. And the last thing I wanted him to do was start running his mouth at this party so that everyone at Valley knew too.
I was just starting to feel normal again, and Trent could ruin all of that. So when he put his arm around my shoulders, I didn’t push it off, figuring I could play along until we left or he lost interest. I didn’t want to go through what happened at Augustus again, because I’d have nowhere to run to if I hit pariahdom again.
It was going to be a long night…
9
Zack
I ASKED MYSELF again why I’d agreed to drive everyone to this stupid party. Chris was in the backseat, showing Leigh’s two girlfriends all of his scars, while Leigh was squeezed in between me and Nate. And for the third time, I had to remove her hand from my thigh as I drove.
My plan for tonight was simple: I was going to be the ultimate wingman, convincing Leigh to give Nate a shot and making sure Nate didn’t screw it up. Then Leigh would stop trying to take me down like a lion cutting a gazelle off from the herd, and Nate would stop giving me those hate-filled looks.
“Do you think the Breakfast Club will be at the party?” Leigh asked as she inspected her nail art.
Nate chuckled. “The Breakfast Club. Not bad. All they’re missing is a jock. Maybe Zack wants to audition for the position.”
I shot Nate an annoyed glance.
Leigh giggled, then put her hand back on my thigh. “Nah. He’s got JOMO not FOMO when it comes to that hot mess.”
Her girls in the back tittered on cue, but I kept silent, once again taking her hand off my leg.
“I bet they come,” Chris said. “Dumps doesn’t seem like the type to miss a party. She’s probably a total lush.”
“Or, maybe she’s going to try and land herself some dick,” Leigh said with a smirk. “I bet she’s a total slut when she drinks.”
I clenched my jaw.
Leigh looked back at her friends. “Do you think that she’ll dress like a hooker tonight? Or like some kind of emo librarian?”
I held back a sigh as Leigh contemplated Nicole’s looks. I could hear the jealousy in her tone, and it was so fucking annoying.
“If she’s there, we should light her up,” Chris said from the backseat.
“Like shake up a beer can and give it to her?” one of the girls in the back said.
Nate rolled his eyes. “Sure, if you’re still in the sixth grade.”
There was a scoff from the backseat, but Leigh did nothing to defend against the insult. Which was when I realized the culture of implicit disrespect and bias in our social hierarchy. If Chris had said that to Leigh, her minions would have raised an outcry, but Leigh wasn’t obligated to do the same thing. It was, well, beneath her.
Had I been guilty of the same thing? I thought back to the first day I’d met Nicole and how I’d failed to say a word about the spitballs or name-calling or ice cream smearing. I didn’t have to respond, because I was above it.
I’m a fucking asshole.
“If we’re going to mess with Dumps, we should do something big. Like throwing her into the pool fully-clothed and then pissing into the pool.”
Nate’s suggestion was disgusting, but Leigh clapped her hands in delight. “She deserves it. Hell, we’d be declared heroes for putting out that human dumpster fire.”
“That’s enough.” I’d reached my limit, and that was clear in my tone because everyone turned to look at me.
“What?” Leigh asked, her face confused.
“Your obsession with Nikki and getting back at her for some perceived slight. Why don’t you just leave her the fuck alone?”
Leigh’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Perceived slight? She insulted me!”
I gave her a dirty look. “And you’ve paid her back a hundred times for it by now. So just leave her and her friends alone.”
“Who died and left you God?” Nate asked, his tone angry.
“Yeah,” Leigh co-signed. “She’s a bitch and everyone knows it.”
I pursed my lips, realizing they were never going to change their minds. In their heads, they deserved their top tier status, and anyone below them deserved no rights. Maybe it’s time to find some new friends.
I’d fallen right back into the popularity trap. It was easy to be respected, to not be judged for your choice of attire or the things that came out of your mouth. And it had its perks, like the hottest girls in school hanging around you. Although Leigh might be hot, she wasn’t my type. And neither were her airhead friends.
I was getting nothing out of my current group of friends but frustration. After graduation, it wasn’t like I’d ever talk to these guys again, when we all went off to college and our real lives.
So why wait? Why not cancel them now?
BY THE TIME we arrived at Fudd’s house, the party was well underway. The backyard was a seething mass of people, a few in the pool but most in the yard, drinking and dancing to the hip-hop blasting from the speakers.
I spotted Nicole, standing with some rando’s arm around her. The fact that I immediately felt a rush of anger was a red flag. I quickly turned around and headed for the kitchen. Finding beer in the fridge, I cracked one open, but I paused before draining it down.
After Dad died, I’d found myself drinking heavily for the first few months, trying to take the edge of my grief. But the drinking only made me feel like shit, and it never made me forget for very long.
I decided to switch gears and focus on executing my plan for the evening. Chris wandered in and, true to form, asked if I was up for a chug challenge. He cracked a beer and started to drink. I ignored him, instead trying to figure out how best to get Leigh and Nate together.
“Hey man,” I said to Chris, inspiration striking, “Why don’t you grab Nate and we’ll have a real chug challenge. Get the girls too.”
Chris hurried off to do my bidding, and I arranged the contest, which I fully intended to rig. Maybe if Leigh saw how much Nate could handle while Chris and I looked like idiots, maybe that would convince her to leave me alone. It was worth a shot.
I grabbed a sleeve of red plastic cups and put an inch of water in four of them. Then I poured wine and beer in twelve cups, arranging them in three columns of beer-wine-beer-wine. The column in the middle held the cups that had been watered down.
When Chris returned with the group in tow, I grabbed Nate’s arm and positioned him between myself and Chris. “It’s time to separate the men from the boys,” I told the gang as a small crowd began to gather around us. “Four cups, beer and wine. First one to drain them all and not vomit or pass out wins.”
Leigh cocked an eyebrow, indicating her interest. “Count us down,” I told her.
She held up her manicured fingers. “Three…two…one…GO!”
I picked up the first glass full of beer and watched the other guys do the same. Then it was time to chug. I tipped the glass into my mouth, taking longer than necessary. The other guys finished before me, Nate wiping foam off his lips and Chris crushing his cup against the counter and thrusting his fist into the air. Then it was on to the next cup. I sloshed some wine into my mouth, already grimacing and regretting my decision to mix the two types of alcohol.
I was still slowly sipping when both Chris and Nate finished theirs. They were on to the beer chugs next, both racing to be first. I set down my cup, not bothering to finish it, then picked up the third and placed it to my lips. I swished some beer around, then pretended to stumble. My plan hinged on acting drunk, but I’d lost the appeal of actual binge drinking, now that the reflex Nicole had activated was mitigated.
Chris and Nate both picked up their last cups, chugging for all they were worth. When Chris tossed
his in the sink, empty, I could see that he was worse for wear. I slapped Nate on the back, congratulating him and purposefully slurring my words together.
Leigh laughed, pointing at me. “I thought you could hold your booze. What happened?”
I gave her my best attempt at a sheepish, drunken shrug. Nate turned in my direction and laughed, then pointed to Chris as he stood over the sink and spit heavily. “You two are lightweights.”
“You’re right,” I said, throwing up my palms in defeat. “To the victor go the spoils,” I said, leaning in so only Nate could hear me and gesturing toward Leigh.
He looked at me intently for a moment, then nodded. With new confidence, Nate took Leigh by the hand. “Let’s go dance.” He led her out the sliding glass door, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Chris let out a hiccup, followed by a loud burp, and then another hiccup. I couldn’t help but laugh. Then he pointed in the direction of the living room. “Isn’t that Dumps? Who’s she with?”
I turned to look in the direction he indicated and frowned when I saw Nicole being coaxed up the stairs by the guy who’d been hanging all over her earlier. Jealousy flooded me. She turned, her gaze meeting mine for a moment. She paused, but the guy holding her hand pulled her forward, and they disappeared up the stairs.
I frowned. “Fuck.”
Chris let out a big guffaw. “You like Dumpster Fire!”
“Shut up,” I growled through clenched teeth. “And stop calling her that. She’s no worse than Leigh is when she’s running her mouth.”
Chris burped again, his face developing a green tint. “I know. She’s hot. I’d hit it if I had the chance. But she hangs out with all those weirdos, so there must be something up with her, right?”
I thought about his words. Was there really a correlation, or was it just another excuse to bully those who didn’t kowtow to us? A means to keep those who were different under our thumb?