by Lee Mae
“What do you have there?” I asked, catching sight of the bottle in her hand.
“Nothing,” she said, shoving it into the oversized handbag she took with her everywhere.
I frowned. “It doesn’t look like nothing.”
“It was a gift from Ryan, if you must know.” She scanned the yard, her expression one of a cornered animal. It made me hurt to see her this way. But at the same time, the thought that Ryan was giving her gifts was unsettling.
“I didn’t know you liked to drink, especially whatever that is. It must not be a pilsner or a Napa blend.”
She looked at me, confused, clearly not remembering what she’d told me at the last party we’d ended up at together. “Look, I don’t know what this is,” she said, gesturing between us, “but I don’t think it’s going to end in a kiss at midnight. So how about we just go our separate ways and start our years off the way they’re going to continue: alone?”
Her words hit me like a punch to the gut. I stepped aside, clearing the way for her to enter the house. She passed me, not looking in my direction, but close enough for me to smell her scent.
I turned a chair over and sat down heavily. The only reason I was at this party was to keep an eye on Nicole. For a moment, I thought I might convince her to go home, but her attitude was back, armoring her against reason.
And Ryan was already making his move. Motherfucker.
He’d given her another bottle, which meant she was drinking, maybe heavily. It was so outside the behavior that the Nicole I knew would have. I felt conflicted, knowing that I had something to do with her acting out.
I hurt her.
That made me feel like the world’s biggest asshole. When I’d lashed out at her after finding out her father had fucked mine over, it had felt justified, but after thinking it over, and with what my mother had recently revealed, I wondered if I’d been entirely in the wrong.
She still kept things from you.
That was true, she had, and those things had been very important. But was it a crime big enough to torpedo our relationship over?
That depends on whether she’d do it again.
I stood, knowing I couldn’t spend the whole party in the backyard. Despite her cold reception, I wouldn’t surrender my mission of the evening. I was going to keep an eye on her, keep her from doing something she might regret.
But first, I had to find her.
She wasn’t in the kitchen, nor in the crowded living room where people were shouting over each other and passing joints around. The cramped space was less than inviting, so I set about exploring the other rooms. There were people everywhere as the party was just ramping up, but there was still no sign of Nikki.
“Hey, bro!”
I turned to see Chris pushing his way through the crowd.
“Never thought I’d see you here,” he said.
“Hey. Happy New Year.”
Chris was carrying a red plastic cup and a wide smile adorned his face. “Where’s your drink?” he asked, puzzled. “Let’s get you something. Tonight is a night for getting fucked up!”
I followed him into the kitchen, more just to have a destination than for any other reason. Chris muscled his way to the counter and grabbed the nearest liquor bottle, not even bothering to look at the label. He dumped some of the contents into a plastic cup and shoved it into my hand. Raising his own cup high, he shouted, “Get turnt!”
The crowd in the kitchen let out a roar and cups were raised to lips. I lifted my own, and when the scent of tequila hit my nose, I put the cup down. I was in no mood to celebrate, and I needed to keep my shit together.
Someone else made a toast and Chris turned away, not noticing me as I made my exit. I decided to do another circuit of the small house, keeping my eyes peeled for Nikki. But no matter where I turned, I couldn’t see her. When I went into the backyard to check for her again, I interrupted something going on between Ryan and two older guys I didn’t recognize.
“Yeah, thanks man,” Ryan said, eyeballing me while hitting the bigger of the two guys on the arm. “I’m sure the kids are going to love this.”
“We need payment by next Friday,” said the smaller one in the leather jacket.
“You’ll get it,” Ryan assured him.
The two turned and pushed past me, going back into the house and disappearing.
“Hey, man,” Ryan said, approaching me. “You go to Valley, right?”
I nodded. “Second year senior.”
Ryan laughed. “Not a bad gig. I should have failed some classes so I could stick around for another year and bang the new crop of cheerleaders.” He laughed at his own joke but I didn’t bother to crack a smile. “So, what’s up? You in need of something?”
“Just looking for someone. A girl.”
“Aren’t we all?” he said, waggling his eyebrows in a comical way.
I didn’t laugh. “She goes to Valley too. Her name is Nikki. Do you know her?”
“Nikki? From Valley?” His eyes got squinty in an expression that I assumed he would call his ‘thinking grimace.’ “That name’s not familiar.”
“She’s a senior. Long light brown hair, green eyes. Pretty. She definitely stands out in a crowd.”
“She sounds like someone I’d like to meet, but sorry, bud, I don’t know her.” He slapped me on the shoulder, then moved closer. “Say, you looking to soar tonight? It’s New Years, right? YOLO.”
I looked at him without responding.
Ryan shook his head. “Looks like you need to loosen up, man. This can help you. My treat.” Sticking his hand in his pocket, he came out with a bottle labeled as aspirin. Shaking out two small green capsules, he held them out to me. “You’ll have a good time tonight. And if you like it, I can get you more. Tons more.”
I stared at the pills in my hand, a wave of revulsion rising in my stomach. “What is this?”
“Something new I got from my guys. You’re gonna love it.”
I wanted to throw it back in his face and tell him he could shove them up his ass, but I needed to stay on Ryan’s good side until I could locate Nikki.
“Thanks,” I said, shoving them into my pocket.
“Have fun tonight, man,” Ryan said as he passed me and re-entered the house.
I gave him a moment, then followed behind him. I didn’t buy his little denial about not knowing who Nikki was. Not with what Chris had said about her coming here to buy alcohol. Ryan had definitely just lied to me. Which meant he also might be lying about knowing where she was hiding. I kept my eye on him as he weaved through the kitchen and headed into a hallway. I saw him make a beeline for the door at the end of the hall. He entered it and closed it behind him.
I followed, but before I could enter the hallway, I was blindsided and tackled into the wall.
“What’s up, bro!”
I looked up, about to go off on the motherfucker who shoved me, when I saw it was Dave. I cracked a smile. “Hey, man! Who started letting douchebags in the door?”
“Your mom,” he said, chuckling.
“You home for break?” I hadn’t seen Dave since I left school mid-year my first senior year.
“Yeah. And my lame ass brother took my ex-girlfriend to Disneyland tonight. How fucked is that?” Dave laughed. “He’s welcome to her. I’m knee-deep in cooch at college.”
“Nice.”
Dave looked me up and down. “I’m surprised you didn’t snag Leigh yourself.”
I shrugged. “Not my type.”
He scoffed. “What, you don’t like tits?”
“Sure I do. Just ask your mom.”
Dave slapped me five. “Hilarious, bruh. Now, where’s the booze?”
I pointed him in the direction of the bottles. “Over there. I’ll see you around, man.”
“What? You’re going already? The night is young. I was hoping to get fucked up with some friendly faces.” Dave looked annoyed.
I pulled the pills out of my pocket that Ryan had given me. “Here. I don�
��t know what they do, but I heard they’ll get you fucked up.”
He smiled. “Where’d you get them?”
“Ryan.” I pulled my hand back. What in the hell was I doing, giving away drugs? “Maybe it’s not a good idea.”
“Dude, Ryan is cool. I get stuff from him all the time. I’ll take ‘em.”
I handed him the pills. “I don’t know. Maybe you should just toss them out.”
“Yeah, toss them out down my throat,” he said with a chuckle. “You sure you don’t want to get wasted with me?”
“Nah. Go find Chris Lane. He’s around here somewhere. He’s well on his way already.”
“Thanks, man,” Dave said, locking hands with me. “See you around.” He wandered off into the crowd.
I turned my attention back to the closed door, Nikki my only concern at the moment. If she was still at this party, she had to be in that room. The thought that she was in there, with Ryan, made my temper flare like throwing water on an oil fire. I couldn’t let that skeevy fuck touch her.
24
NIKKI
WHEN I’D COME in from the backyard, I had planned to head straight for the front door. I’d almost made it too, until Ryan had stepped in my path.
“Whoa. Hold up, Girl. You can’t be leaving yet? It’s still early,” he’d said.
“Yeah…crowds aren’t really my thing.”
“I get it,” he said, putting an arm around me and turning me around. “But I really wanted to talk to you tonight. And you’ve barely even tasted the bottle I gave you.”
“Talk to me? About what?”
“Something you’re going to like. I just need you to stick around for a little longer. Okay?”
“I guess.”
“Cool.” He shepherded me through the crowd, leading me back to the hallway we’d been down earlier.
“How about this: I tuck you in the room back here, and you’ll have all the privacy you need. I need to talk to a couple guys, but I’ll be right back and then we’ll catch up.”
I nodded.
He opened the door and escorted me inside. “Have a seat, milady,” he said, gesturing toward the mattress on the floor.
I swallowed. Something felt really off about this. “You know, my mom doesn’t like it when I’m out too late, so maybe—”
“Shhh,” Ryan said, holding a finger to my lips. “I promise I won’t keep you. I just want to talk to you about one little thing. But I have to take care of something first. Ten minutes, tops.”
If I didn’t do what he asked, I knew Ryan might not give me any more booze. I nodded.
He looked around. “Where’s the bottle?” His brow furrowed, and I thought I saw a trace of anger on his face. “You didn’t give it to someone else, did you?”
I pulled the it out of my handbag. “It’s right here.”
“Ah, good!” His face broke out into a smile. “We should have a toast!” He pulled a flask out of his pocket and held it up. “To a happy new year!”
I unscrewed the bottle top and lifted it to my mouth as he drank from his flask. I only took a sip, the liquor burning my lips, but Ryan shook his head. “Oh no, it’s New Years, ma! You gotta do better than that.”
He pushed up on the bottom of the bottle so the liquor splashed out and I had no choice but to swallow a big mouthful of it. I yanked the bottle away and coughed heavily as the alcohol blazed a path down my throat.
“Good girl,” he said with a grin and held up his hands, fingers extended. “Ten minutes, and I’ll be back.” Then he was gone, shutting the door behind him.
“This is stupid,” I said as I stood there, alone.
My gut told me that it would be better to leave now, before Ryan came back to ‘talk.’ I’d seen the way he looked at me and was 98 percent sure his talk consisted of trying to get down my pants. I wasn’t a total idiot.
That’s it I’m leaving.
But not without one more for the road. I took another drink of the sweet, fiery liquor. Tucking it safely in my handbag, I pulled out my cell phone and hit the box for the Uber app with my thumb. That’s when I noticed my eyes were getting blurry.
“Oh no,” I murmured, but it came out slurred, just as the room started to spin. I staggered over to the mattress and sat down, my legs splaying out in front of me.
What the fuck is happening?
My eyes felt heavy, my limbs like concrete.
I’ll just…lie down for a minute.
I fell back against the mattress, my phone falling out of my hand. I floated there for a moment, unable to move, barely able to think. I didn’t know how long I stayed like that, whether it was really ten minutes or not, but after a time the door opened, and Ryan walked back in.
“Hey, princess,” he said, going down on his knees next to me. “I see you’re enjoying the special bottle I gave you.” He picked up my arm, then let go, and it dropped right back to the bed. I felt like I could barely breathe and moving seemed almost impossible. Panic started to rise inside me.
No, this is NOT happening.
I tried to speak, to ask for help, but all that came out was a faint moan.
“Aww, honey, quiet now. And don’t worry about anything,” he said, his smile sharp. “Daddy is going to take care of everything. You just lie back and enjoy the ride.”
I felt sick, felt the fear scratching at my insides, clawing its way out of my throat. My moaning grew louder, and I could see Ryan get annoyed.
“I said shut up,” he growled. He clamped his hand over my mouth while using his other one to unzip my pants.
Please don’t do this. Please stop. Please!
The words were clear in my mind, but I couldn’t get them to come out of my mouth. My heart was beating so hard, I thought it would jump out of my chest.
No!
Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes. I could feel him struggling to pull my pants off my hips. I gathered every ounce of strength inside me and tried to move my arm. I succeeded in lifting it off the mattress and aimed a slap right for his face.
It was a pitiful attempt, but my nails managed to catch his cheek, leaving twin scratch marks.
“You little bitch,” he snarled. “Maybe I need to pour the rest of that bottle down your fucking throat.”
He removed the hand from my mouth to use it on my jeans, and with both hands employed, he was able to yank them down so that they were hanging off one ankle. I was terrified, knowing that I couldn’t stop what was about to happen.
Please, God, help me, I prayed, hoping for anything to stop him. I pictured Zack and let out a sob. He’d saved me once before, but when I’d seen him earlier tonight, I’d blown him off. If only I’d hung around him. Even if he hated my guts now, he’d still protect me, because he was a good person.
I felt Ryan yank my legs apart and settle between my thighs. “Now let me see those pretty titties of yours,” he said, pushing up my T-shirt to expose my bra.
“Nooooo,” I managed to shout, making him draw back in surprise. I struggled weakly beneath him, but he just laughed.
“Fight all you want, honey. It’s still gonna happen.”
Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes and I closed them, focusing on my breathing.
Just think about something else, I told myself. Think about a time when you were happy.
Think about Cabo, and the way the light hits the water as the sun is going down.
Think about Florence, and the church bells that echo around the city.
Think of lying in Zack’s arms, in his room, as the night breeze comes through the window to cool your skin.
The last image made me sob. I tried to move my hands, to push away Ryan as he tried to shove aside my bra. I just didn’t have the strength. Whatever he’d put in that bottle, it was rendering me incapable of mounting the resistance needed.
I’m sorry, I thought, to no one in particular. I’m sorry for screwing up. I’m sorry for profiting off your loss. I’m sorry for keeping secrets.
Mostly,
I wanted to apologize to myself. I’m sorry that I couldn’t fight the pain anymore, and I got us into this situation. I’m sorry from the bottom of my broken heart.
I knew without a doubt that tonight would change me forever.
I’d already been broken, but I was about to be shattered.
25
Zack
I STOOD THERE, the door handle in my hand, with a sense of déjà vu running through me. The last time I’d crashed through a door, Nicole was being harassed by some prick from her old school. I’d known something was amiss because I heard her shouting, but this time, everything was whisper quiet.
I paused, debating if I wanted to do this. It might be that Nicole wouldn’t be as pleased to see me as she’d been last time.
How was I to know?
Maybe she liked the wannabe Scarface. Maybe she’d yell at me for busting in, telling me to quit stalking her. Maybe I’d walk away, feeling like a fool.
I could walk away now, leave Nicole to her fate. She hadn’t seemed to want me in her business earlier. There was nothing forcing me to do this, except my own selfish need to see her again and to know that she was safe.
The thought that she would invite Ryan to touch her perfect body made me want to ragekick the door down and smash every piece of furniture in the house. Preferably against the drug dealer’s head.
Fuck.
Did I leave? Or did I push my way into the room and interrupt whatever was going on in there? The image of Nikki wrapping her arms around Ryan’s neck, and inviting him in for a kiss, fueled my final decision. I stopped hesitating and pushed the door open.
I froze for a second, not being able to compute what I was seeing. Ryan was between Nicole’s legs, and her pants were off. He was pushing up her shirt and wrestling with her bra. Jealousy surged through me as I realized I’d interrupted Nikki having sex with Ryan.
And then I’d seen the fear in her eyes, and the tears, and my protective instinct kicked into overdrive.
Ryan whipped his head around and glared at me. “Get the fuck out of here, man. She doesn’t want you and I don’t share.”