by Natasha West
‘Oh’ Emily said, standing unsurely. ‘I suppose.’ She followed Denise into her office, and as she stepped back over the threshold, she thought of a poem, or one particular line of it. ‘Will you walk into my parlour?’ said the spider to the fly.
There followed a rather detailed conversation about secrecy and a quick visit from a lawyer who came and got Emily’s signature on some dense looking contracts that Denise assured her was, ‘Pretty standard stuff.’
Emily didn’t think any of this was standard. It was bizarre. And Emily wondered, as she jotted her name on the dotted line, if she was making the biggest mistake of her life.
Ten
Ruby sat in her car in the parking lot across the road from the office. She was trying not to lose it. She couldn’t believe her mother. She was going to take this situation and try and turn it to her own advantage. Like every situation. It was sociopathic. Pretend like this was a real marriage between people who had known each other for more than a few hours? Who did Denise think she was? Ruby knew she could be accused of a lot of things. But a fake? No.
But Ruby wasn’t angry because of her mother’s plan. What she was really angry about was that she was going to go along with it. She’d pleaded her case hard but, in the end, Denise had talked cold hard logic and Ruby was unable to argue with it, as always. Denise had explained that if her marriage was exposed as a drunk Vegas fuck up – and it almost certainly would be if she got it annulled now because they would find out, the press, they always found out - it would damage her rep, not just now, but forever. It would live on her Wikipedia page for the rest of her days. It had scared Ruby more than she wanted to admit.
But Denise’s real trick had not been to talk about rescuing this situation, she’d talked instead about how this negative could be flipped into a positive. They could fake an entire relationship, something that had been going on for six months, which made it a quick marriage but wasn’t that even more romantic? That would paint a picture of a woman who’d found the one and promptly decided to settle down, take life seriously. And more importantly, take her career seriously. Of course, in another six months’ time it would turn out that she had ‘Made an error’ but by then, it would be too late. She’d be a star on the rise and no quickie divorce would be able to stop her. If she fronted a franchise that made money, nobody would care.
So Ruby sat here, in her car, trying to feel calm, trying to pretend that she could do this. But it was crazy. Emily was supposed to be the beautiful might-have-been. What would she become now? Her partner in crime? Her fellow liar? It was a terrible thought. It stripped away everything nice about last night, everything special and unique, and dragged it right into her crappy reality. Emily would be tainted, just another player on Ruby’s stage. Or rather, her mother’s stage. Because wasn’t it always about what Denise wanted? It never left room for Ruby to make a decision about her own life. Because she was on her way, that’s what she’d been told. She had what others wanted and that meant it was worth everything she did in pursuit of it. And if she was miserable, who cared? She was semi-famous and semi-wealthy and with the potential to raise her stock in both departments. In America, the rich and famous were at the top of the food chain. You were never supposed to throw such things away, not unless you wanted to be locked up in a mental hospital. Because as Denise pointed out time and time again, ‘Happiness is not the goal. That’s fleeting. But financial security? You can take that to the bank.’
But now was not the time to get into an existential crisis about her goals and aspirations. Because she had to drive out of this parking lot and pick up her wife.
She started the engine, cursing her mother the whole time, cursing her stupid, weird life. By the time she pulled up outside the office to find Emily waiting with her bag, she had expelled the majority of her rage and was now simply simmering with low-key fury.
‘Hello’ Emily said. ‘So your mum said I’m supposed to go to your place.’
Ruby nodded. ‘Apparently so. Get in.’
Emily climbed into the car. Ruby pulled out and drove away from Burbank, heading home. She didn’t look at Emily for the entire forty-five-minute drive. When she pulled into the apartment complex, she undid her belt and said, ‘Right. Come on.’
Emily followed without argument.
It was Ruby’s second attempt to get into her place today and this time she made it through the door, though she was not happy about it. Because she had a guest. Her sanctum was ruined.
‘So, this is the bathroom’ Ruby said, throwing open the door so Emily could see. ‘That’s the kitchen and this is the living space’ she continued, doing a speed tour until she arrived at the final location. ‘That couch is where you’re gonna sleep’ she said, nodding to it. She pointed at one last room. ‘That’s my room. I’m going in there right now to sleep and I don’t wanna be disturbed.’
She took a step towards the room in question, just wanting to fall onto the bed, slip into unconsciousness and imagine for a few sweet moments that none of this was happening.
But Emily cleared her throat and Ruby turned back. ‘Yeah?’
‘I was just…’ Emily began and then looked at the floor.
‘Spit it out.’
Emily’s brow creased. ‘That’s what I wanted to talk about. You’re angry with me. I don’t know why. You agreed to this too.’
‘Yes, I did. But it doesn’t mean I have to like it’ Ruby told her. She hated how she was speaking to Emily. She sounded like how Denise spoke to Chad. Entitled.
‘Well, I would appreciate it if you could just manage the bare minimum of manners. It seems only fair. I mean I know you probably didn’t ever plan to see me again, but things have changed now, and I really don’t think it’s fair-’
Ruby sighed through her nose. ‘The bare minimum of manners’ was a hard request to refuse. ‘Look, I’m doing my best.’
‘It’s not very good, then’ Emily told her.
‘I guess it’s not, no’ Ruby conceded. ‘But it’s gonna have to do.’ And she walked into the bedroom, closing the door and falling onto the bed fully clothed. It had been the longest day of her life. But all her days would be this from here on out. From now until Denise decreed otherwise.
Eleven
Emily was sat on Ruby’s sofa, the TV on. She didn’t know what else to do. She was staying in a stranger’s flat. She had no idea what the protocols were for that. She’d been awake about an hour. She’d slept surprisingly well but she attributed that to the physical and emotional exhaustion of the weirdest few days of her life.
Ruby hadn’t emerged for twelve hours, except to collect takeaway from the door at one point. To her small credit, she’d tossed Emily a Caesar salad as well as a duvet and pillow before vanishing back into her room.
Emily was still livid about Ruby’s attitude since she’d pitched up at her mother’s office. She understood that Ruby had never expected to see her again, but this was a fifty/fifty mess. Maybe even forty/sixty, considering Ruby had decided to publicise this madness. Emily had to assume that the attitude Ruby was flinging her way was because the last thing you wanted from a one-night stand was to be tied to them like this. And oh, how they were tied. But it was tough. Because now they had to work together, towards a common goal.
But before Emily could get on with that, she had an uncomfortable conversation to have with her brother. She supposed that was one thing she had in common with Ruby, if nothing else. They were beholden to relatives for a living.
She went into the bathroom to make the call, not wanting to be heard by Ruby while she did this.
‘Phil, hi’ she said.
‘How was the dentist?’ Phil asked immediately.
‘The what? Oh, yeah. Fine. Look, I need to tell you something.’
‘Is it about opening up on Monday?’
‘No. Well, in a way.’
‘I’m not gonna like this, am I?’ Phil said irritably.
‘Phil, listen a sec…’ Emily took a deep breath
. There was only one way she was going to be able to explain her absence to her brother. An embarrassing admission that would get her some leeway. ‘Katie left.’
‘Left? Where did she go?’ Phil asked, confused.
‘I mean she left. Me. For someone else.’
There was a silence. ‘I think I misheard. This connection is not very good.’
‘Did you hear me say Katie left me for someone else?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then it’s fine.’
Phil let out a long whistle. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Very’ Emily said.
‘Shit me’ Phil breathed, shocked.
‘That was my thinking, yeah’ Emily said evenly. It was funny, all this had only happened a few days ago and yet she felt a strange distance from the whole situation, as though months had passed since she’d sat in that café and listened to Katie tell her she was binned. She supposed that was because of the amount of stuff that had occurred in the meanwhile. A flight to Vegas, a drunken night, a wedding, a hangover, a flight to LA, a strange offer, moving into Ruby’s. It made life seem longer than it was. But Emily was not about to admit that the stuff with Katie felt rather secondary. She was going to use what had happened to prize some slack out of her brother, who was no less a tough boss for being a blood relative and was, in fact, probably harder with her for it. But this was a life crisis, however you sliced it.
‘Look, the thing is, I sort of had what you might call a… A freak-out.’
‘Oh god, did you kill her?’ Phil asked.
‘What? No!’
‘Because it’s always the quiet ones.’
‘I didn’t kill her. It’s the total opposite, actually.’
Phil went quiet for a second and then asked, ‘You gave birth to her?’
‘Phil, stop it. Just listen.’
‘Alright, I’m listening.’
‘I’m… I’ve gone travelling.’
‘Gone? You’ve left the country?’
‘Yes.’
‘Where the hell are you?’ Phil sputtered.
‘LA’ Emily admitted. She could at least tell the truth about that.
‘What in god’s name did you go there for?’
‘It’s a long story. But I was hoping I could take some time off work. I need a break.’
‘This isn’t great notice, Em’ Phil said, and Emily was pretty sure she was about to be read the riot act. But then he said, ‘But… I guess we could manage without you for a while. Seeing as you’re obviously going through something right now. Fucking Katie. I never liked her, you know.’
‘I know’ Emily said.
‘Oh, did you?’ Phil asked, surprised. ‘I thought I hid it quite well.’
‘You always ground your teeth when she was around.’
‘Did I?’ Phil asked, mystified. ‘Well, I was right not to like her as it turned out so that’s fine with me. You know what it was?’ he went on, warming to his topic. ‘The way she proposed to you, but she wouldn’t set a date. It was a shallow proposal, she wasn’t serious. I could tell.’
‘Glad you could’ Emily said darkly.
‘So she just fucked off, out of the blue?’
‘That’s about the size of it.’
‘And you didn’t have any hint it was coming?’
Emily wished people would stop asking her that. It was making her feel even more of a fool than she already did. ‘No hint, no. I was in the dark. I never twigged. I was a total mug, a blithering clueless cuckold, my head was stuck right up my own arse-’
‘Alright, alright’ Phil said. ‘It’s not your fault, you know.’
‘Thanks, Robin Williams, but that’s not what I need to hear right now.’
‘I’m just trying to… Anyway’ Phil said, clearly feeling out of his depth. Emily felt for him. If the situation was reversed, what would she say to him? ‘There there?’ What was there to say? An idiot was an idiot. But this situation wouldn’t be reversed. Phil had picked right. He’d been married for years, two kids. He was set and he probably would be for the rest of his life. Emily envied it.
‘So about work… You’ll be shorthanded, won’t you?’
Phil audibly swallowed. ‘I’ll get Josh in.’
‘No. I know he’s our cousin but he’s a right lazy bastard. I once asked him what he wanted to do with his life and he said his ambition was to be one of those guys who’s famous for gaming on YouTube. Which might be alright, but he doesn’t have a YouTube account yet. Says he’s still in training.’
‘Which is why he’s always available.’ Phil replied. ‘It’s that or get a temp and I haven’t got the energy to break someone new in. Josh’ll have to do.’
‘But last time he put a shift in, he told that lady that paper books were dead. Told her to get a Kindle. And she did. He lost us a regular customer.’
‘It’s that or you come home, so it’s up to you.’
Emily sighed. ‘Sorry, fine, yes. I’m sure he’ll be alright.’
‘So, how’s LA so far?’ Phil asked. ‘You been to Disneyland?’
‘Is that all you know about LA? It’s got a rich cultural heritage, you know.’
‘Going back over all of sixty years. Amazing. You wouldn’t think anyone was alive back then’ Phil laughed.
‘Stop it, would you?’ Emily warned him. Truth be told, she didn’t know what she thought of LA. All she’d seen of it so far was the inside of Denise’s office, which was not a great start. But she was here now, and she would be here for the foreseeable. She was going to have to make friends with the place. She just hoped it was better than Vegas, which had not remotely been her cup of tea. ‘Anyway, you’ve barely been out of Oxfordshire. What would you know about LA?’
‘I’ve read Valley of the Dolls’ Phil said, pleased with himself.
‘Brilliant’ Emily replied. ‘I’ll be sure to pick that up if I decide to become a drug addict as part of my holiday.’
‘I’m only trying to tell you, there’s a seedy underbelly.’
‘Everywhere in the world has a seedy underbelly, Phil. Even Oxford.’
‘I’m just saying, watch yourself. It’s different.’
‘That’s the whole idea.’
There was a bang on the door.
‘Hold on a second’ Emily said to the door, putting her hand over the phone. There was no reply. She went back to her call. ‘Alright, anyway, gotta go.’
‘OK.’
‘Thanks for being nice… About everything.’
‘That’s alright. But I expect a postcard. And when you get back, you’re doing deliveries for a month.’
‘Fair enough.’ They said goodbye and Emily hung up. The door banged again. ‘Alright!’ Emily snapped.
She opened the door. Ruby stood there, in shorts and a t-shirt, her hair bedraggled. ‘Jesus, what took so long? You backed up?’
Emily gritted her teeth and left the bathroom, Ruby shuffling by. As the door slammed in her face, she wondered how the hell she was going to pretend to be Ruby’s real wife when she couldn’t even be civil? What the hell was her problem anyway? This was for her. Her movie deal, her career, her life. Why was she acting so bloody put out by Emily going along with the plan her mother had concocted? She could have said no to it if she was so disgusted at the idea of pretending she’d married Emily intentionally.
But she hadn’t. So they were wives. Tough luck, Ruby.
Twelve
Ruby had just gotten off the phone to her mother and as ever, she was left feeling like she’d just been hit by a cross-town bus. It was a series of commands, issued at speed and with no expectation of refusal. It contained a location and a time. In one hour.
Ruby thought she’d better get ready. And then she found her bathroom occupied. It sounded like Emily was taking a phone call in there. And it was taking forever. Ruby needed to piss like nobody’s business. Of all the rooms to occupy!
She banged on the door and Emily had the temerity to tell her to hold on. It was her damn bath
room, not an office. Ruby was incensed. And busting. When the door finally opened, she was ready to explode in several senses. ‘Jesus, what took so long? You backed up?’ she cracked, only to be met with a withering look that she didn’t have time for.
She closed the door on Emily and released the pressure on her poor little bladder. Once she was feeling less pain, she called through the door. ‘Hey!’