by Don Marquis
heart and the sharp
pang of hunger
in my stomach
some day i will plunge
into a mince pie
and mingle with its elements
and you will never see
me more and then
maybe you will begin
to appreciate
the poor little cockroach
who slaved that you might
live in comfort
maybe in spite of myself
i will haunt you then
if i were you i would hate
to be haunted by the ghost
of a cockroach
think of it boss
everywhere you looked
to see a spectral cockroach
that none but you knew was
there to pick him from
your shirt front when
others were blind to him
to feel him crawling
on your collar in public
places to be compelled
to brush him from your plate
when you sat down to dine
to pluck him always from the glass
before you dared to drink
to extend your hand
to grab that of some fair
lady and then hesitate and
pick him from her wrist
people would begin to think
you were a little
queer boss and if you
attempted to explain
they would think you still
queerer what in the world
is the matter with you
they would say
oh nothing nothing at all
you would answer
plucking at the air
it will soon pass i merely
thought i saw a cockroach
on your nose madam
suspicions of your sanity
would grow and grow
do you not like that
pudding your hostess would ask
and you would murmur
being taken off your guard
it is very good pudding
indeed i was just
trying not to eat
the cockroach
boss i do not make
any threats at all
i just simply state what
may very well happen to
you through remorse if you
drive me to suicide
i will try not to
haunt you boss because
i am loving and forgiving
in my spirit but who
knows that i will not be
compelled to haunt you
in spite of myself
a hard heart will not get
you anything boss
remember the plagues
of egypt perhaps to
your remorseful mind i
will be multiplied
by millions i am giving
you a last chance to
repent you should be glad
that i am only a cockroach
and not a tarantula
yours prophetically
archy
an ultimatum
boss this is my
ultimatum unless you have
made arrangements
for more regular meals for
me by monday
september 18 i will
quit you cold and go out and
live in a
swiss cheese i have nothing
to arbitrate
archy
no snap
say boss its a good
thing for you
that you dont pay me any wages for
the stuff i write
for you if you did
i would have to have them raised all
these strikes are getting
me feverish and excited one of
my long pieces in your column
often costs me twelve or
fifteen hours of steady
labor and i am drowsy
all the next day butting these
keys with my head is no snap boss
anything i got for it would
be underpaying me i wish you would
buy a pear and leave it under the
metal typewriter case where the rats
cant get to it
archy
he gets in bad
say boss i had
a great idea last night i thought
if i could operate a
typewriter why not a
linotype machine i went down into
the composing room
and started to hop from key to key
and a guy said to me wheres
your union card
get out of here or you will get
into the paper
in a way you dont like you will
get a nice hot bath
in that little pot of type metal do
you get me you may con the editorial
staff but no unpunctuated
gink can sling his joshbillingsgate
around here see
raus or i will spread you on
the minutes and not charge
any overtime for it
either so i came away
archy
and i would like a little automobile
economic
boss i should like
to discuss one or two
business matters with you
quite seriously
in the first place i need
some sort of head gear such as
football players wear
i have to butt each
key of the typewriter
with my head
and i am developing
callouses on my brain
these callouses on my
brain are making me cruel
and careless in my thoughts
i am becoming brutal
almost human
in my writings
and then i would like
a little automobile
i have to go from place
to place so much
picking up news for you
a clock work one would do
with a chauffeur to keep it
wound up for me
and a lightning bug to
sit in front and be
the headlight on dark nights
i hate to mention food boss
it seems so sordid
and plebeian but i no longer
find any left over crusts
of sandwiches in your
waste paper basket i am
forced to haunt the
restaurants and hotels for food
and this is at the
imminent risk of my life
unless i get these things
i will quit you on
november first is not the
laborer worthy of his hire
yours for economic justice
and a living wage
archy
archy revolts
We have received the following communication from Archy:
i refuse to endorse
the idea of
an archy week
which you have advertised
in your column
i will not march
down fifth avenue
at the head of any
procession
i will not take part
in any silly celebration
i am a serious artist
i do not exploit
myself and i shall not
permit myself to be exploited
i do the best work
i am capable of
and i do not care
for any contact with the
public except upon
the printed page
i shall not go on
lecture tours
or attend dinners
or
soul and uplift fights
i do not care to
have persons whose opinions
i do not respect
telling me that they admire
my work and have so yearned
to meet me
i refuse to act as the bait
at affairs
where social and literary
climbers hope to
attract celebrities
by advertising that
i am one of the guests of honor
i shall neither
write nor speak
nor allow my name to be used
for the benefit
of causes that i do not care
a damn about
i shall not answer letters
from persons who write to me
for no other object
than to have me answer
their letters
my time when i am not working
is my own
my work is all that
the public is entitled to know
about me
it is all the public pays for
i shall not
allow my name to be used
by committees
that are framing
up organizations of one kind
or another
because i do not care
whether there is
another organization
of any sort ever comes
into existence in the world
i shall not spend money
having photographs taken
to give away to people
who are too stingy
to buy them from
photographers but hope
to graft them off of me
you can take
your archy week
and go and jump off the dock
with it tucked
under your arm
and i shall stand on shore
and watch you and it
sink for the third time
with a smile on my face
now that you know
where you get off
please go and get off there
i am a serious artist
i repeat
and will have nothing
to do with any
of the current form
of cheap publicity
archy
archy wants a change
well boss the time
has come when
you and i
will have to have
some kind of a
showdown
for years i have been
working for you
and doing a large
share of your work
without getting a cent
of pay for it
some of your best
ideas have been my ideas and you have
not given me
credit for them
you have not even
fed me boss
for two years now
formerly you used to
eat sandwiches in
your office and
i could get a crumb
now and then from
the waste basket
but since you have been
trying to reduce
your weight
for the tenth time
in three years you
no longer eat
in the office i have
been your faithful
slave and you have made a thousand
promises to me and
kept none of them
when i went on strike
for my rights
you did not take it
seriously
now i have determined
to quit you unless
you do something for
me i want to go
to paris i have
always wanted to go
to paris and i
demand that you
take me and take
me soon otherwise i will
leave you flat
a word to the
wise is sufficient
archy
Needless to say, we shall ignore this preposterous demand on the part of Archy. If he wants to quit us, it be good riddance of bad rubbish.
archy on strike
We have received a communication from Archy, who went on strike forty-eight hours ago, desiring us to state that he is not backed by any association of contributors but that he is striking on his own initiative. We think it is only fair to the poor misguided cockroach to give his statement to the public. We do not print it as a contribution from him, because, until he has formally withdrawn the outrageous demands which he made upon us the other day, no article signed by him shall appear ever again. To print signed articles by him would be, in effect, to recognize his organization; and this we shall never do.
We present an article by a new cockroach named Henry. Henry has not had as much practice at the typewriter keyboard as Archy, and he manages to hit a capital letter now and then, without always being able to hit the right capital; but we can assure our readers that he is learning rapidly. Henry is at least trying to punctuate; Archy always made the contention that no cockroach could ever learn to punctuate and refused to try. Archy’s failure to punctuate influenced a great many persons against him. Henry may be a little more difficult than Archy was, for a few days, but he is ambitious and in the end he will be better than Archy.
We present Henry:
a communication from henry
well, be asTH,is is? seerious
allthis labor dis CONtent
I wonders wHere IT wiLL enD
i sh ould not
CarE toprophesy?
but the greaTest dePrivation i
feel, is in t he Loss OF thE
suBway sUn i usEd 2 GET a LL
my NEWS froM the Subway suN but,
siNce the subWAY has stop ped.
ruNNINg iaM at a LosS!
How wiLl We kNow the strike has
ended, if weDo noT reAd IT in
thesubwaY Sun
And How wilL we Read thesubwAY
suN unleSS The sTrike
ends. i WISH u would watcH
mehitaBEL the CAT? she IS
jEalous anD soRe because i
haVE taken arcHy?s j oB
And calLS me a scaB and
Last niGht tried to
eat me i deMAND poLice proTectioN?
heNry!
All statements made by Mehitabel the Cat, with regard to the strike of Archy, are to be viewed with suspicion. Her statement that she is herself on strike is false on the face of it, as Mehitabel has never been employed by this column, although she has occasionally been interviewed for it.
It seems not improper to state that Archy, himself, is picketing the office, and last evening when Henry left work Archy stopped him and made threats against him. Henry is very well able to take care of himself, but we have asked for a special police detail to protect him.
If Archy introduces the element of violence into the strike, he will be severely dealt with!
how the public viewed the strike
SIR: Now that Archy is gone, you may be able to get out a readable column again.—R.P.
SIR: Unless you can fix it up with Archy, count me off the subscription list. I hate to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I would rather see you take a long vacation yourself than to lose Archy.—WALT.
SIR: Unless you accede to Archy’s just demands all your readers will go on a sympathetic strike. It matters not about the other contributors. Let C. B. Gilbert, Benjamin DeCasseres, and Clinton Scollard go. Or go yourself. But we gotter have Archy.—ELIZABETH.
SIR: There are three ways that the deplorable strike of Archy may end:
He may win.
You may win.
Or the pair of you may compromise.
I must say that I was horrified at the brutal capitali
stic attitude taken up by you towards one of the brightest ornaments of modern American literature.—F.J.C.
poem from henry
liFe is Not aLL jazz and Joy)
sMiles and suNNy weaTher!
EVERy golD has it’S aLloy!
toHOld tHe Stuff together!
!if LUCk is good! why maN aliVE!
weLcoMe iT! And ch eer iT!
buT if THE drinK’S two seven five
Try to griN! AND beer iT!
heNry!
Henry strikes us as being, on the whole, more cheerful than Archy.
As Henry left work last evening, he was attacked by a strange cockroach, no doubt a thug in the employ of Archy, who has been hanging about the building ever since Henry went on the job. The strange cockroach was easily disposed of, and Archy did not show himself in person.
We repeat what we said yesterday: If Archy is foolish enough to introduce violence into this strike, he will get his fill of it.
It has been reported to us that Archy has been drinking wood alcohol and is working himself into a rage against Henry. Candidly, we expect the worst. But the column is not to be intimidated.
progress of the strike
There is no offering from Henry today. Henry has disappeared. Frankly, we fear that Henry has been foully dealt with by a gang of rowdy cockroaches in the employ of Archy.
The column made an attempt at an early hour this morning to put another cockroach named Ernatz to work. Ernatz arrived at the office and succeeded in getting as far as the typewriter, but there he collapsed. An examination showed that Ernatz had been badly beaten up by the Archy faction in getting through the picket lines.
These picket lines have been extended by Archy and his gang until they now reach from the Press Club at Spruce and William up Spruce Street to Nassau, and down Nassau to what used to be the Umbrella Bar at the corner of Nassau and Beekman. We were informed today by an excited friend that he had seen thousands and thousands and thousands of cockroaches, led by Archy, hiding by the curbstones picketing this district, and that it seemed to him that they were maddened by benzine or something. They had chased him, he said, and he was so extraordinarily vivid and convincing in his recital and in his fright that we fancied, as he talked, that we could actually smell the benzine or something.
The column’s cockroach service has been interrupted for one day; but it will be resumed. We ask the public to be patient. As far as taking Archy back is concerned, that is now an impossibility; we are done with that ingrate forever.
a threat
We found on our desk this morning the following threat from the Archy faction, which we publish to show the public the length to which this creature is willing to go: