by Don Marquis
archy gets restless again
dear boss after thinking
over the terms of our temporary
settlement i
am forced to admit i
got the short end of the
deal you are a true diplomat and
a modest one at that but i want
you to know that your admission
to your readers in conceding me
a moral victory does not
suffice to fill an empty
stomach and nobody can work
without food so i am forced to
submit as the two chief subjects for
consideration in the final settlement the
necessity not only for deciding the
amount of salary but also a generous
allowance of food and good
food at that because since i
agreed to return to work i
met an old friend who took me to
a place where a lot of
nice people of the community
councils are distributing relief
food and by simply hiding in the
parcels that go out there are
lots of chances to get into all
kinds of fine homes we took a chance
and sneaked into one box of canned
goods and were placed in a fine
automobile that took us
to a swell house on the drive where
they have a pastry cook of their own and
we had the pastry all to our
selves and feasted on delicacies of
all sorts so half a piece of pie is
no longer any treat for me and
i can get acquainted with
some very aristocratic
cockroaches besides just by
attending food sales and i
am cultivating a taste for fancy
eatables that neither pie nor
25 per cent increase will satisfy
archy
It looks as if this Archy were getting ready to ask for more, no matter what we give him.
How human some cockroaches are!
say
maybe those guys
who are always
urging you
onward towards labor
and toil
and work and industry
just simply need
the money
your work produces
archy
seldom do i meet a person who will hold still long enough for me to get a meal
the cockroaches are not
the only insects
that are demanding more
consideration
i met a flea
last evening who
told me that he had come
into contact with
a great deal of unrest
lately and a mosquito remarked
to me only this
morning there is darned
little justice in this world the
way the human beings
run it seldom do i
meet a person who will hold
still long
enough for me to get a meal
archy
archy triumphs
thank you for the
advice to go and get
some of this
government food i do
not want to start all
over again
any controversy that has
been temporarily
settled but may i not
ask how
archy
well boss the time has
arrived for our permanent
settlement i propose
a plum plan
once a week i want a
pint jar of plum preserves
with bread and butter
and all the fixings that
go with them answer at once
i refuse to arbitrate
archy
We yield. We consider ourself lucky that Archy does not demand full ownership and control of the column. We yield while the yielding is still good.
boss i see by the
papers that there is
one income tax slacker who
owes 14 800 000 dollars lest
there be any possibility of
mistake i wish to state
publicly that i am not the
person the salary i receive for
my writings in the column
falls considerably below that
figure even in good
years yours for
vers libre as usual
archy
yes we have
i heard a good
story the other
day boss
i wonder if
you have heard it stop
me if you have wont you
it seems that
two cabbies in london
had had a bad day
it was raining
like anything and
neither one of them
had picked up a
fare in hours
have you heard it
they were driving along
side by side
bloodying their luck
when suddenly an old lady
came out of a house
and signaled to them
do you know it
they both stepped on the gas
neither of them had picked up a fare
and made
a mad dash for her
arriving at the same time
they drew
up before her
shes mine shouted one of
them at the top of his
lungs
im rotten at this
cockney dialect
like ell she
is shes mine hollered
the other
garn howled his rival
i seen the old bitch
first didnt i lady
archy
a wail from little archy
i can walk on six feet
or i can walk
on four feet
maybe if i tried hard enough
i could walk on two feet
but i cannot
walk on five feet
or on three feet
or any odd number of feet
it slews me around
so that i go catercornered
i mention this because
of my present
distressing condition
you have not fed
me lately let alone paying
me anything and
last night while eating
an apple core
in your waste paper basket
three of my feet
froze fast to it and are
useless at present writing
i wish you would
give me a set of galoshes
for my annual salary i
do not expect
real food from you any more
you always treat me
as if i were a constituent
and you were a politician
that my vote had just
elected to office
i dont know why i keep on
working for you
it is either a habit or a vice
archy
doing well
as i was
crawling through
a shoe store the
other day i
heard two pairs of shoes
talking to each other
well says the
first pair
you neednt feel
so smart
you have been
marked down from
twenty dollars to sixteen
while i have been marked
down from twenty one
dollars to
eighteen dollars
well said the
&n
bsp; second pair i
make no claims to
superiority but
i will say i think
we are both doing
damned well for
five dollar shoes
archy
takes talent
there are two
kinds of human
beings in the world
so my observation
has told me
namely and to wit
as follows
firstly
those who
even though they
were to reveal
the secret of the universe
to you would fail
to impress you
with any sense
of the importance
of the news
and secondly
those who could
communicate to you
that they had
just purchased
ten cents worth
of paper napkins
and make you
thrill and vibrate
with the intelligence
archy
summer is icumen in
my scouts
from all over
the country tell
me that it is
getting along
towards the time
of year
when plump ladies
sit around
on the verandas
of summer hotels
and boarding houses
and swap
interesting yarns
about the times
they have been
under the knife
of the surgeon
archy
greetings old feather duster said i
archy climbs everest
may fifteenth nineteen
thirty five started climbing
mount everest early this morning
met the maharajah of nepal one hundred feet up
greetings old feather duster said i
that is not a feather duster he said
that is
stop i cried dont you tell me
that is your wife
that is my beard he said
i accept the apology i said
quick as a flash
may sixteen at one thousand feet
i met an avalanche coming down
as i was going up
we compromised and this morning
i am starting all over again
dancing on the avalanche
as it skidded towards sea level
were two strange figures
prancing on their hind legs
whom i identified as the dalai lama
mehitabel once was a Hindu nun
and mehitabel the cat
they were singing in part as follows
oh the lama here
is a son of a gun
and mehitabel once
was a hindu nun
skip skip my himalaya honey
the rarefied air
of the mountain side
has completely withered
the lamas pride
hike hike my himalaya honey
if the bottom of the hills
were placed at the top
when we wanted to go up
wed merely have to drop
drill drill my himalaya honey
may seventeen oh lord
the maharajah of nepal
is following me with a squirt gun
full of insect poison
here comes another avalanche
archy
archy on everest
may eighteenth fifteen
thousand feet up on mount
everest today i caught a ride
on an airplane going my way
everyone i meet is all hopped up
with the altitude
caught up with the maharajah of nepal
gaily hopping over the snow and ice
bare legged i said to him
hello spinach face are you starting
a nudist colony up here
and he replied
an avalanche
tore off my panche
and left me feeling funny
but we never rest
on everest
my himalaya honey
yes i says but who was that lady
i seen you walking with
a mile or so below
that wasnt no lady he says quick as a flash
that was the taj mahal
skipping along ahead of us were
the dalai lama and mehitabel the cat
mehitabel had written in the snow
send a message to my public
in america please archy give them
love and kittens from mehitabel
and the dalai lama
may nineteenth spent the day
riding up in airplanes
and coasting down on avalanches
if you dont know anything about asia
it would surprise you how much traffic
there is in the himalayas
may twentieth twenty thousand feet up
overtook a bum who says he is
nicholas romanoff formerly czar
of all the russias and when i say all
i mean all archy he said
the sun never set on my dominions
why not i asked him
because they were too cold
to hatch he replied ask me another
the reds missed me he said
and i have been in siberia ever since
i figure if i can get to the top
and stay there i will be safe
have you got a can opener
what for i enquired
i have some canned heat he said
but i cant get into it
i have practically lived on canned heat
ever since i escaped from russia
may twenty first got carried down
four thousand feet by a snow slide
when i came to myself
i was on a ledge of rock
and sitting in a row with their feet
hanging over nothing were mehitabel the cat
the dalai lama and the taj mahal
nicholas romanoff and the maharajah of nepal
all drinking canned heat and singing
in part as follows
we have tried all sorts
of winter sports
and spent a mint of money
we have skied the alps
and cracked our scalps
and burrowed like a bunny
but everest is sure the best
my himalaya honey
listen now said the former czar
and i will tell you the story of my life
it was going off of gold that ruined me
you mean the gold standard asked the lama
no said the maharajah
he means the gold cure
nevertheless said nicholas romanoff
i will tell you now the
story of my life
with slides asked the taj mahal
cant you try and forget it
mister romanoff asked the maharajah
no said the former czar
sniffing the canned heat
not while i have this rosemary
it is for remembrance
and he hit his insides
a terrific wallop with the horrid stuff
yes and rue is for you
said the taj mahal
kicking him five thousand feet downhill
and larkspur is for cooties
the dalai lama shouted
after him as he whirled into space
i discovered a virgin gold mine
the next morning how do you know
it is virgin asked mehitabel
yes said the taj mahal explain
tush tush said the dalai lama
well it seems reasonable said i
there is a snow slide
over it every twenty minutes
archy
and the result was hamlet
archy on the theater
Archy the Cockroach crawled into my office late the other night, scurried to my typewriter, and butted out the following ungenerous remark:
the theater is lousy
these days lousier than
it has been in three hundred years
“And what do you know about it?” I asked him.
i know everything about it
my ancestors have lived in theaters
for centuries
i am the repository of thousands
of generations of theatrical tradition
one of my ancestors was living
contentedly in a pile of old scripts
when a manager jerked one out
from underneath him one day
and handed it to a guy named shakespeare
and said bill get this old
junk into shape so we can
start rehearsals on it next tuesday
stick in a couple of murders
and some of your low browed comedy
and your smutty wisecracks
and philosophical hokum
and i dont need to tell you what to do
and the result was a play called hamlet
and another of my ancestors
was living in kit marlowes
fine elizabethan ruff
getting fat on starch
when marlowe was writing doctor faustus
my family has always lived around
theaters and theatrical hangouts
and one of my grandfathers grandfathers
used to live in edwin booths room
at the players club under the rug
and i repeat again that the theater
these days is lousy
“What’s the matter with it?” I asked him. And the insignificant insect replied, at length, as follows:
no glamour no illusion
that has all been thrown out of doors
and the movies have picked it up
and are doing the best they can with it
in their bungling way
the movies are struggling in a dumb headed
thumb handed way to give the public
some escape from the realities of life
and a glimpse into the fourth dimension
but the legitimate stage
goes right on presenting
stereotyped patterns of what is called
realism by which it means