by Don Marquis
and i suffered somewhat from abduction
and my heart it was broken again and again
but twas excellent instruction
i always have been rather awesomely blest
with the instincts of a mother
and my life and my fate have been down to date
one kitten after another
triplets quadruplets quintuplets
in a most confusing succession
and it seems to keep up whether times are good
or wallowing in depression
and this is in spite of the terrible fact
i am not a real home body
but an artiste who views the domestic career
as damnably dull and shoddy
for i am a lady who has her whims
no torn cat holds my love
if i come to feel i have plighted my troth
to a little mauve turtle dove
but at last i have found my real romance
through the process of trial and error
and he is a ribald brute named bill
one eyed and a holy terror
his skull is ditched from a hundred fights
and he has little hair on his tail
but the son of a gun of a brindled hun
is indubitably male
over the fences we frolic and prance
under the blood red moon
and sing to the stars we are venus and mars
as we caper and clutch and croon
his good eye gleams like a coal of hell
from the murk of alley or yard
and the heart that jumps in the cage of his ribs
is hot and black and hard
says he as we rocket over the roofs
can you follow your limber bill
says i to him my demon slim
theres a dance in the old dame still
you pussies that purr on a persian rug
or mew to some fool for cream
little you know of the wild delight
of the outlaws midnight dream
a fish head filched from a garbage can
or a milk bottle raided at dawn
is better than safety and slavery
you punks that cuddle and fawn
you can stuff your bellies with oysters and shrimp
you may have your ribbon and bell
for bill and me it is liberty
o wotthehell bill wotthehell
says he to me old battle axe
you never was raised a pet
says i to willie i aint any lily
but theres pep in the old dame yet
last night when a bull pup gave us chase
bill turned and a rip of his claw
completely unseamed that slavering mutt
from his chin to his bloody jaw
we dance with the breeze of the summer nights
we dance with the winter sleet
with velvet paws on the velvet shadows
or whirl with frozen feet
we riot over the roof of the world
mehitabel and bill
you son of a gun of a brindled hun
theres a dance in the old dame still
she flung a party in shinbone alley
mehitabel pulls a party
dear boss mehitabel shows
no evidences of reform
she flung a party in shinbone alley
last night and six of the toughest
tabbies i ever saw were her guests
all seven of them danced on the ash cans
flirting their tails in the moonlight
and chanting as follows
oh wotthell do we care
if we are down and out
theres a dance or two in the old janes yet
so caper and swing about
up and down the alley
through and over the fence
for still we are attractive
to various feline gents
meow meow meow
now then sadie dont talk shady
try and remember you and myrtie
that you was raised a lady
that goes for you too gertie
oh i was chased down broadway
by a tom with a ribbon and bell
i says to him my limber jim
you seem to know me well
says he to me oh can it be
you are mehitabel
oh wotthell girls wotthell
as long as the gents is for us
we still got a job in the chorus
we aint no maltese flappers
we all seen better days
but we got as much it
as an ingenue kit
and it is the art that pays
meow meow meow
arch your back and caper
and kick at the golden moon
mebby some yeggs
who sell butter and eggs
will fling us a party soon
now then gertie dont get dirty
frankie frankie dont get cranky
and call any lowlife names
remember that you and your sister
were once society dames
and me and nance was debutants
before we was abducted
remember pearl that you was a girl
that a college went and instructed
dont chew the fat with no common cat
for you still got an honored place
oh climb the fence and caper
and kick the moon in the face
oh mebby we all are busted
oh mebby the winters are chill
but all of us girls seen better days
and we are ladies still
remember nell you was once a swell
you was raised a social pet
be careful sweet and act discreet
you may have come down in the world my dear
and you got a cauliflower
onto your ear
but you are a lady yet
meow meow meow
oh wotthell oh wotthell
as i came into the alley
i met a brindle swell
he says to me oh this can be
none but mehitabel
oh willie says i as i passed him by
you know me far too well
then cheerio my deario
prance and pirouette
as long as gents has such intents
theres life in the old world yet
meow meow meow
oh wotthell oh wotthell
i spy you brindle bill
come off the fence you feline gents
theres a dance in the old dame still
meow meow miaow
now then girls no shady jests
here come the gentlemen guests
you try and dance refined
remember you all was ladies born
and still are so inclined
now then sadie dont talk shady
or out you go on your nut
this aint any lousy harlem brawl
this aint any party in webster hall
we gotta recall we are nice girls all
and never was anything but
meow meow meow
archy
was not a ship at all it was a dive in harlem
mehitabel joins the navy
expenses going up
and income going down
but wotthehell do i care
the sailors are in town
a tom cat off a cruiser
was seeing of the city
says he between his whiskers
hello my pretty kitty
oh i am pure and careful
in manner well instructed
i ve seldom spoke to strangers
and seldom been abducted
so i replied discreetly
aint you the nervy guy
how dare you brace a lady
so innocent and shy
oh look he said our warship
s
have all their flags unfurled
oh come and join the navy
and we will see the world
but the first place that he took me
was not a ship at all
it was a dive in harlem
where they hailed him admiral
a loud shebeen in harlem
which flowed with song and cheer
and we danced upon the tables
for oysters stewed in beer
the second place he took me
he had been there before
we danced for smelt and fishballs
and they called him commodore
twas down in coney island
they named me puss cafe
as we danced among the bottles
for cream and gin frappe
my room rent keeps a mounting
and credit going down
but wotthehell do i care
the sailors are in town
the next place that we landed
he done a noble deed
he sliced the eye from a fresh wharf cat
who tried to make my speed
avast you swabs and lubbers
when a sailor says ahoy
tis a patriotic duty
to give the navy joy
oh i always am the lady
discreet as well as gay
but the next place that he took me
the devil was to pay
for we seen the icebox open
and tried to raid the loot
and the next we knew we was out in the street
ahead of the barkeep s boot
but wotthehell do i care
i neither whine nor fret
what though my spine is out of line
there s a dance in the old dame yet
i would not desert the navy
nor leave it in the lurch
though each place that he took me
was less and less like a church
and now the fleet is sailing
with all its flags unfurled
and five little kittens with anchor marks
are tagging me round through the alleys and parks
but i have seen the world
oh my maternal instinct
has proved to be my curse
it started when i was an ingenue
and went from bad to worse
but wotthehell do i care
whether its tom or bill
for any sailor off of the fleet
there s a dance in the old dame still
mehitabel the cat
what is a lady
mehitabel has
asseverated that
she is a lady
now to decide a bet
will you please
let her tell us
what constitutes
a lady
she must be
an authority on
the subject or else
you would not
print an account
of her doings which seem
to some of us girls
inconsistent with the
standards of
highly respectable conduct
that prevail in this
midvictorian village of
westport conn
i don t know
how it ever got
a name like that
for there ain t anything
sporty about it except it s name
and only half of that
but us girls
want to be ladies and
live up to our
village ideals in
that respect
so please let
mehitabel tell us
what constitutes a lady
and is it
possible for a lady
to be a cat
give my love
to darling archy
yours truly
lady bug
p s
do real ladies
smoke pipes
or drink cocktails
or other alcoholic
beverages
or go joy riding
or have
petting parties
or wear onepiece
bathing costumes
where anybody
can see them
or do they instead
knock their
friends and
neighbors every
chance they get
and take a great
interest in civic
affairs and local
politics and
go around
doing good
and being
gracious to
their inferiors
The answer is yes and no.
he is not true to me what shall i do
archy denies it
dear sir i view with alarm
and it breaks my heart to see it
that archy is associating
with that hussy mehitabel
you must know that he
is my affinity
and my affianced lover
and now he has been going
around with
that disreputable old cat
and he
is not true
to me
what shall i do
i ask you
i am a nice girl
i live in a lovely rosebush
and when we got married
i thought archy would
live at home with me and mama
i am afraid now i will have to break
my engagement
as well as my heart
and i will burn up my
wedding dress which is
beautiful red with polka dots
my life is wrecked
my happiness blighted
o how could he be so false
lady bug
When this serious charge was called to the attention of Archy he hopped over to the typewriter and bumped out the following reply:
this is the sort of thing
that happens to people
who get their
names in the papers
that is all
the comment i care
to make
archy
a farewell
archy
i cant believe
you are the hen hater
you profess
you are too handsome
i saw you
the day you walked down
fifth avenue
heading the roach delegation
you were magnificent
as the sun s rays
glinted off
your bronzed back
and your speech was beautiful
about adequate housing
conditions
and better treatment
for stranger cockroaches
within thy gates
but never mind
i will write no more
yet whenever i hear
your name mentioned
i shall be seized in the grasp
of a great grief
thinking what might have been
if you had only known
how really charming
i am
i have letters
from my first two husbands
to prove it
which i have always
kept
farewell
jennie
Archy, touched to the quick by the above epistle—and so ignorant of feminine wiles that he does not know the females of all species are most dangerous when they appear to retreat—dictated the following reply:
poor thing i wonder
if it would not be
a kindness to
walk by her house
and let her just
look at me
once more
poor thing
archy
archy still in trouble
archy
believe me
i don t quite
know how to thank you
for your generous emotion
over my unfortunate regard
but i beg of you
not to permit this melancholy
to disturb you unduly
i shall be strong
and shall throw myself
into my work
inspired by the thoughts
of my happy children
for i am a good mother
not like
mehitabel
jennie
p s on Wednesdays at four
we have tea and nice cakes
at our house
should you care to come
i can promise you
food
that can be trusted
how welcome
you would be
p s no 2
my ancestors
came over on the may flower
To which Archy dictated the following reply:
say doesnt
she know when
she has been ignored
archy
the feline tribe were worshipped in ancient egypt
not any proof
mehitabel the cat
tells me the feline
tribe were worshipped
in ancient egypt
and for that reason i
should hold her in more
respect
well says i
minerva burst from
the head of jove
with a heluva yell
but that does not prove
that we should
stand in awe
of every case of
mastoiditis
archy
go to the country and become grasshoppers
statesmanship
i was talking
with an insect the
other day about the
hard times that
cockroaches have to
get a living every
mans hand is against them
and occasionally his
foot meals
are few and far between
why in the world
says this
insect do you not