Kaleo, having overheard the order, rolls his eyes and asks “Do you want me to make any of them for you?”
“Nah, I got it. It’s just irritating,” Momi replies.
Kaleo nods, then looks back to see if there are any new customers for him to serve. Straight ahead and walking directly toward him is the same Asian guy that ordered from him last week. Shit, here we go again, he thinks to himself.
“Hey,” the guy says hesitantly. Kaleo just looks at him blankly. “Hey, I’m not sure if you remember me—”
“Oh, I remember you,” Kaleo interjects.
“Yeah… I was here last Friday with two of my buddies and uh…” He pauses, “Look, I came to apologize.”
Kaleo is stunned. He was not expecting that. Kaleo looks at him in a way that says I’m listening…
“Yeah, um, I didn’t mean to offend you last week when I said ‘Give me your gayest drink!’ He mocks himself. “That was dumb and I—”
“What? Wanted to look cool in front of your friends by making fun of us gays,” Kaleo snarls.
“Yeah, about that…” The guy continues, “Uh, those are my friends from high school and uh… I haven’t seen them in awhile, so…”
“Come on, I have other customers waiting,” Kaleo interrupts, trying to hurry the story along, even though there are no other customers waiting.
“They don’t know that I’m gay,” the asian guy admits.
“Oh.” Kaleo is shocked. He wasn’t expecting that either. “Uh, well…” Kaleo is at a loss for words.
“Yeah. Pretty dumb, huh?” The guy confesses. “I’m Jimmy, by the way.” He sticks his hand out and Kaleo receives it. “Hey, look, I’m pretty embarrassed about the way that I acted and I was thinking maybe I could take you out sometime and make it up to you.”
Only then does Kaleo notice how handsome he is. Being too clouded earlier by how mad he was, Kaleo now starts to observe this tall asian man. He’s got great hair, really good skin and he’s got a nice set of teeth too, Kaleo takes note. He checks out his toned body that is shown off perfectly in his fitted clothes. For a second, Kaleo considers taking him up on his offer, but quickly replies, “I don’t date guys that are still in the closet.”
“Touché,” Jimmy responds with a smile. “Well, can I at least buy you a drink?”
“Which one? ‘The gayest drink we have?’” Kaleo says sarcastically.
Jimmy laughs. “Ok, ok, I deserve that.” He looks at Kaleo and smiles, “Sure, two shots of whiskey for this ‘faggot,’” Jimmy mocks Kaleo this time, for aggressively calling him a faggot last time. Kaleo chuckles and pours a shot for Jimmy and a shot for himself. They cheers and take their shot together.
“Sorry again,” Jimmy apologizes, “and if you ever change your mind, the offer stands.” He puts a hundred dollar bill down on the bar along with his business card. He smiles, waves goodbye and walks away.
Kaleo picks his business card off the bar which has his phone number on it. It states, ‘Real Estate Agent.’ He, then, looks down and sees the hundred dollar bill. DAMN! AND HE HAS MONEY TOO! Kaleo thinks to himself. Jimmy has managed to shock Kaleo three times in a matter of minutes. Maybe I really should take him up on his offer.
Just outside of Violet, Lopaka pulls up in an Uber in full drag. As this is his first time ever being dressed as a woman publicly, he feels nervous and wonders what everyone will think. He gathers his courage and steps out of the car. The Uber driver helps him get his suitcase full of accessories out of the trunk. Lopaka thanks the driver and starts heading toward the entrance of Violet.
With the competition entry just being a mere sign-up sheet at the front desk, Lopaka knew that he didn’t have to reveal his intentions ahead of time. However, having not seen or spoken to anyone from Violet since last Friday, he knows that his look will come as a surprise.
He walks up to the front door, rolling his suitcase behind him. He looks at his younger brother, Malu, who is guarding the door and waits for a reaction.
“ID,” Malu requests.
“Malu, it’s me,” Lopaka says trying to get his brother to comprehend the situation.
Malu looks at the drag queen in front of him and starts thinking really hard. He racks his brain trying to remember if he’s met this specific queen. Being the doorman, he sees a myriad of drag queens nightly. Am I supposed to know this queen? She obviously knows my name. Maybe she’s a friend of Robin. He looks her up and down one more time, then finally admits defeat, “Uh, sorry… who are you?”
“Your older brother, dumbass!” Lopaka spells it out.
“OH SHIT! LOPAKA!” Malu is completely taken aback, but then immediately hugs his brother. “What the fuck! Where have you been? We were all worried.”
“Yeah, I just needed some time to myself,” Lopaka responds.
“Yeah, we figured. Ho, so I guess this is the new you, huh?” Malu questions.
“And so what if it is? And how come you can’t recognize your own family?” Lopaka scolds and slaps him on the arm.
“Hey, to be fair, I wasn’t expecting to see you here tonight… and especially not like this.” Malu defends himself. “So, you’re a drag queen now, huh?” Malu makes fun.
“Shut up, Malu!” Lopaka is on the defense this time, “Don’t judge me!”
“Are you kidding me? I don’t care. Look at me, I’m a straight dad working at a gay club. Plus, I have two older brothers, who are both gay. One of you was bound to end up in drag,” Malu wisecracks. “Come, let’s go show Ashley!” Malu opens the entrance door and let’s Lopaka in first. “Look who I found…” Malu says to Ashley in a sing-song way.
“OH MY GOD, LOPAKA!” Ashley screams with excitement and runs around her little desk to hug him.
“What?! How did you guess that so fast?” Malu is dumb-founded.
“Duh, doofus! You can tell it’s him,” Ashley scoffs at her boyfriend. She redirects her attention back to Lopaka, “How have you been? You been ok?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I just needed some time,” Lopaka reassures.
“Yeah, we all figured,” Ashley assures.
“What if I was dead? You guys didn’t even come and check on me!” Lopaka accuses.
“DRA-MATIC!” Ashley cries out dramatically herself. “Don’t act! We knew you were alive by how many times the phone rang. Every time any of us would call you, it would ring like two and a half times. A HALF! Phones don’t half-ring unless somebody is on the other side declining it.”
The three of them crack up. “Ok, ok fiiiiine. You caught me,” Lopaka admits.
“You here for the drag competition?” Ashley asks.
“Oh yeah! The drag competition!” Malu suddenly remembers.
Ashley rolls her eyes, my boyfriend, the genius, she thinks sarcastically to herself, then looks over at Lopaka, “Do you see what I have to deal with on a daily basis?”
“No, no! I remember we have the competition tonight, but I thought maybe he was here in drag just because,” Malu justifies.
“No. I’m definitely here for the competition,” Lopaka clarifies.
“Good for you, babes. You’re gonna kill it! I know you are,” Ashley encourages. She hands him the sign-up sheet, there’s already three other girls signed up. The first on the list, of course, is Matt Make-up. Lopaka writes his name down and hands the clipboard back to her. Ashley looks at it and laughs, “Is that your drag name?”
“Yup,” Lopaka chuckles.
In the dressing room, all of the contestants for tonight’s drag competition are getting ready. The Fish y Chicks steal two of the best spots in the room, nearest the doors, and help Matt Make-up get ready. Karmen teases his wig to get maximum volume, while Arita touches up his matte make-up. Alexus, being the leader of the brigade and the charade, is on her phone posting a new photo to Instagram. Tonight. Violet. 11pm. Matt Make-up Domination, her caption reads. The hype around Matt is already at an almost unsurpassable high.
“I’m good. I’m very good. I should be a polit
ician,” Alexus says out loud, still looking at her phone. “Look at how many ‘likes’ you already have Matt.” Alexus flashes her phone to the other girls.
“No, I’m the politician. You’re my promoter,” Matt jokes.
“Oooop!” Karmen makes a noise indicating that shade has just been thrown.
Arita slaps Matt’s head. “Cut it out!” She looks to their leader, Alexus, hoping that she isn’t offended.
“Careful now. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, daughter,” Alexus says calmly. She knows all it would take is one bad post about Matt and all of her followers would turn on him.
The dressing room door opens and all of the contestants including the Fish y Chicks look over. Lopaka enters the room with his suitcase in tow and closes the door behind him. The girls just stare at him. He’s the buffest queen in the room.
“Oh my God. Lopaka?” Karmen decodes. She’s not so dumb after all.
“Guilty,” Lopaka jests awkwardly.
“Whoa, I neva know you was in dis competition,” Arita says with her pidgin accent. Alexus is silent and just stares at him trying to hide the disgust on her face, but not doing a good job at it. She wasn’t expecting this curveball, but by what she sees in the room, she knows Matt still has no competition.
“Guilty again,” Lopaka answers. “Um, is there an open spot someplace for me to get ready?” He asks the crowded room of queens.
“You can sit over here,” a browned-skinned drag queen with red hair says from the corner. She points to an empty chair and mirror that’s right next to her.
Lopaka nods and scoots his way through the Fish y Chicks, hitting a few of them with his broad shoulders on the way. He passes an older looking queen, who he assumes is another contestant. She waves hi and then goes back to applying her make-up. As Lopaka settles into his little work station, he looks to the queen who offered him the seat, “Hey thanks!”
“Of course, girl,” the red-head reassures. “Nothing like not having a place to set your things. I’m Arrriba, by the way.” She rolls the R’s in her name, letting Lopaka know that she’s hispanic. “Arrriba McEntire.”
“That’s HI-LA-RIOUS!” Lopaka says and laughs out loud. “Like a latina Reba McEntire?”
“Yup, exactly that!” She confirms. “I do all Reba McEntire songs, but in spanish.”
“Oh, you win already. I love that,” Lopaka admits.
“And you are…” Arrriba asks.
“Oh, I’m Lopa—” He pauses, then corrects himself, “I mean, I’m Jenna.”
“Nice to meet you, Jenna,” Arrriba says warmly. “First time?” She asks.
“Yeah and kinda nervous,” Lopaka confesses.
“Don’t worry. The first time’s the best time. I think so anyway,” Arrriba comforts. “Plus, you have beginner’s luck on your side.”
“I hope so,” Lopaka remarks. He pulls out his make-up and starts adding his final touches to his look.
The door opens again, but this time it’s Robin. “Hey girls,” Robin starts. She glances around the room quickly, but with a million things on her mind, she doesn’t notice Lopaka in the corner. Thank you for signing up tonight. This show would not be happening without you.” The girls applaud for themselves and each other.
“Ok, so here’s the deal. You’ll each perform your song of choice and you’ll go in the order that you signed up.” Robin looks down at her clipboard, “So, Matt Make-up, that means you're up first.” Matt nods. “Make sure to give your CD or thumb drive or whatever you have, to the DJ, if you haven’t already.
“After you all perform, we’ll bring everyone back up onstage and the audience will cheer for the best performer. The queen with the loudest round of applause will win and become one of our very own Fish y Chicks!” The girls applaud again. “This is a great opportunity, so please treat it as such. Do your best and give the best damn performances of your life, ok?” The girls applaud one last time. “Ok girls, good luck! You’ve got ten minutes and then we’re gonna start the show.” Robin turns around and exits the room.
The queens continue to get ready for the show. The Fish y Chicks start pulling and pushing at Matt, while he sits and makes faces of pain. Arrriba puts in her earphones to practice her lyrics. Lopaka looks around the room, then back at himself in the mirror. He inhales deeply and then exhales all of his doubts. I got this, he thinks to himself and finishes applying his make-up.
At the entrance, Malu and Ashley are arguing in between each customer passing through. Malu checks a girl’s ID, Ashley takes her money and then stamps the inside of her wrist. Once the girl enters the club, the couple begin their fight again.
“I told you this a month ago!” Ashley reiterates.
“No, you didn’t!” Malu responds.
“Yes, I did. I made sure I did because I was trying to avoid this situation we’re having right now,” Ashley says irritated.
“Well, I don’t remember, so you can’t blame me,” Malu defends himself.
“What do you mean ‘I can’t blame y—” Ashley cuts herself off. A group of four gay guys walk in the door. “Hi guys!” Ashley says with a fake smile. The gay guys enter the club and Ashley starts again. “They’re your kids too, you know. I shouldn’t be the only one knowing their schedules.”
“I DO know their schedules! I pick them up from school every fuckin’ day! Don’t give me that.” Malu is heated.
“Well why don’t you remember about tomorrow then, huh? Tell me, Malu, why don’t you remember?” Ashley says in a low, sassy tone.
“I just forgot maybe. I don't know. Shit,” Malu replies.
“No! I’ll tell you why—” Ashley cuts herself off again as a lesbian couple comes through the entrance. “Hi guys!” Ashley says, once again, with a fake smile on, trying to hide her anger. She doesn’t realize, but she stamps the inside of their wrists a little too hard. The lesbian couple shake out their wrists in pain as they enter the club.
She waits ‘til they’re far enough away and repeats herself. “I’ll tell you why you conveniently don’t remember… because tomorrow is your stupid UFC fight on TV.”
“It’s not stupid, it’s for the championship belt,” Malu explains.
“So record it! We have a DVR!” Ashley yells.
“I can’t! The boys are coming over tomorrow. We have the whole thing set up already. I can’t cancel on them now. It’s too late!” Malu protests.
“So you’re choosing your friends over your own kids?” Ashley uses those words to stab deep.
“I would do ANYTHING for my kids and YOU KNOW THAT!” Malu is pissed that Ashley would even say that.
“Your daughter has been practicing for this hula performance for two months. What am I suppose to say when she doesn’t see daddy in the audience? Huh? Tell me.” Ashley tries to prove her point.
“Ash, I can’t be missing at my own house party. That’s messed up,” Malu tries to reason.
“You’re unbelievable you know that,” Ashley says with disgust in her voice.
Just then a handsome guy walks through the door and says to Ashley, “Hey pretty lady!”
Malu, having bottled up most of his aggression, immediately head-butts this guy and knocks him to the floor.
“OH MY GOD!!!” Ashley screams.
“Who is that guy? HUH? Tell me right now!” Malu gets defensive.
“HE’S GAY, DUMBASS!” Ashley scolds as she runs to check on the guy. “Fuck, he’s knocked out.” She grabs her phone and calls 911. As the phone is ringing, she talks to Malu, “You can’t keep knocking people out, Malu. You’re not Max Holloway!”
The operator answers and Ashley redirects her focus. “Hi, I need an ambulance to Violet Nightclub… yeah, there’s a guy that got knocked unconscious… uh, yes, again…” Ashley gives her boyfriend the look of death.
17. Love Potion
- 1 1/2 oz Raspberry Vodka
- 1 oz Cranberry Juice
- 1/2 oz Fresh Lime Juice
- Splash Grenadine
Robin looks at her phone, it’s 11pm. Show time! She makes eye contact with the DJ and nods her head to signal him, We’re gonna start, turn down the music. From the side of the stage, she turns on her microphone and begins speaking as the music is fading.
“Gather round, gather round! Come to the stage and see the incredible six foot four woman, with hands the size of baseball gloves and an adam’s apple the size of… well… an apple.” Robin improvs and makes fun of herself to draw a crowd. She speaks like an old-timey reporter, “Yes, for one night only, this glamazonian circus freak is here at our very own Violet, your favorite nightclub. Come lay eyes on this gender-fucking, mind-bending, totally gorgeous, excuse for a human being.”
The guests laugh and start to gather around the stage. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, but beware, she does bite. She also splits and kicks, but she’s too old for that.” Robin continues the joke, “Yes, yes. You probably, maybe, most-likely, hopefully never seen anything like this before.” She steps onto the stage with her back facing the audience, hiding her face. “Oh here she is ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only… Robin DeCraydle.” She turns around with the ugliest face she can possibly make and screams into the mic as if she’s trying to scare a child on Halloween. A couple of girls in the front row actually jump back, but the rest of the audience just cracks up at Robin’s hilarious monologue.
She changes her expression to a smile, “Aloha no kakou my beautiful Violet children and yes, I am a monster.” The audience laughs. “Go ahead take a picture, it’ll last longer. I’ll wait.” She puts down the mic and poses. She makes eye-contact with random people in the audience and lips the words “Thank you” multiple times.
“Who knows why we’re here tonight?” The audience cheers. “I see some of you do. Who is here just to get fucked up?” The audience cheers even louder. “Well, you’re in the right place. Say hello to our stunning bartenders.” The bartenders wave from behind the bar. “Take care of them and they’ll take care of you.
On the Rocks Page 9