I breathe, plopping myself on the sand. Looking around the backyard where we shared playdates, kisses and fooled around when we became older.
“When did life get so complicated?” I rest my forehead on my knees and close my eyes listening to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.
“It happens when you claim your independence and think you’re too old to be under the care of your parents,” he responds. “It changes for everyone. For me, it happened when Dad died.”
I rock myself back and forth, thinking about his answer. “Maybe that’s why Willow and I were so confused while growing up.” I laugh hard, releasing my legs and burying my hands in the sand. “Our parents assumed we were independent since…we were too young.”
That’s why when my grandfather had offered me a job and paid tuition, I accepted it immediately. Elliot needed my help, I needed an education. Leaving four years to get an education while I sent money to help him was a brilliant move. Plus, I got to meet my estranged grandfather.
Mine wasn’t the life of every college student. I didn’t have time to party or join a sorority because I convinced my grandfather that I could work on the weekends. I took the train every Sunday night, traveling from New York City to Raleigh. Classes began early on Monday. I left Thursday night. Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning were dedicated to working for grandpa.
I bury my fingers in the sand, lifting them and watching it fade away only leaving a film of dust. Just like the promises Elliot and I made to each other. Some of the memories of what we said remain, but everything else blew away after we broke up. Maybe our ending was more than one event. We grew apart while trying to save everyone we loved.
“Hazel, can you do me a favor?” Elliot’s request brings me back from our past.
“A favor?” I look up at him.
You’re out of those, buddy!
“What kind of favor?”
He squats right next to me—so we’re eye to eye. His callused fingers lift my chin. “While you’re in town, give me a chance to show you I’m not the guy you left behind.”
I hold my breath, staring at those eyes that used to be my haven. “Why do I want to get to know this guy, Elliot?”
“Because we’re soulmates,” he responds. “Two people that were meant to become one since before they appeared on this earth.”
“Those are my lines,” I remind him, moving away from his hold and rising from my seat.
“Well, remember who we were, and our future. I need you by my side, Hazel.” He straightens himself and dusts his pants from the excess of sand. “My life without you makes no sense.”
My mouth slacks as he asks me to think about our future. The truth hits me. That’s all I ever do. Think about everyone’s future. I’ve been trying to save and help everyone find their future. Because I’ve been avoiding mine.
“I’ll think about it,” I nod at Elliot in response, rising from my seat and dusting the sand.
“Hazel Bee,” he calls out. “I never meant to hurt you.”
I bite my cheek, swallowing hard and turning back. “It was a dark time.” I hitch my thumb, pointing to his mother’s house. “With age, I understood part of what happened. They needed you.”
Scott and Harrison did it too, care for their family and resign to their lives. They both stepped into the role of parents. Their kid brothers became their full responsibility.
I wave at Elliot. “Take care, Eli.”
When I close the backyard door, the memories of the last day in the house come crashing like the waves against the shore.
I waved at Elliot one last time and closed the kitchen door. Watching him from the window, blowing a kiss in my direction. I flicked the switch twice, so he knew I was sending him one right back. Why did he have to leave? My wish of staying outside all night reading and enjoying his company vanished. I wanted to sleep nestled in his arms. One last night before I left for New York.
I wanted to tell him to stay. That tonight I needed him. But I hated sounding needy. My vision blurs with the tears pouring down my face. It’s hard to think about my future without him by my side. I wouldn’t see him for several years. I couldn’t fathom life without Elliot. He’s the constant in my life. The man I fell in love with.
“My husband,” I sighed, staring at the rings on my left hand.
Butterflies fluttered inside my belly as I pictured our life together. Only a few years, and we’d have our own home. He’d go on to build skyscrapers, and I’d figure out my future. If I didn’t get it right the first time, I could try to find my vocation after we had children. My sister thought I was crazy, that I shouldn’t be doing permanent shit when I wasn’t even legal to drink. Even a tattoo would be a mistake at my age.
My heart stopped as the fear of losing him rose. It’s always been easy for everyone to leave me behind. At least it was easy for my parents and my sister. I didn’t understand them, why could they leave me like that?
Hazel: How many bags is too many bags?
Willow: Don’t pack all your books!
Willow: Wait, are you just packing?
Hazel: Maybe?
Willow: So unlike you. What’s going on?
Hazel: I don’t want to leave Eli.
Willow: Sorry, Bee. Why don’t you stay for the summer?
Willow wouldn’t understand. If I tell her Elliot and I were married, she might freak out, or we’d end up fighting. Plus, how can I tell her that I have to work to help him with his family expenses?
Hazel: No, I’ll be okay. Books?
Willow: Bring a few.
A few? Meaning I had to choose? My chest constricted. Not my books. They had to come with me. What if I didn’t come back for them soon?
My books.
They’re where I escaped to when I needed a place to hide. Elliot wondered about my romance novels. He couldn’t comprehend why I loved them. If he only read them, he’d realize how amazing it is reading about soulmates finding each other in the oddest circumstances. Those books always had a happily ever after. Every heroine found her soulmate. My search never began because I grew up next door to him. Elliot was my other half—the one who understood me. We’re so perfect for each other. We loved our quirks, imperfections and … someday I wouldn’t be alone. Never again. It’s only temporary.
Hazel: I love you.
Willow: Lighten up; you’re starting a new life.
As if I could lighten up. Looking around the house, I wondered what I should take to remember my childhood... Elliot. I couldn’t breathe, the fear of not being able to come back strangled me. Willow didn’t come back. She loved New York, found her passion. Would that be it? Would the people I love only be a memory of my past?
Not Elliot.
We shared everything.
We were an extension of each other.
We were the exception to all the rules.
Being brave for so long had worn me down. I worried the next chapter might not work out.
What if, when I came back, I wouldn’t be welcomed?
What if I lost him?
My heart hurt as the panic over my imminent departure took over my thoughts. Staying calm was tough. Taking my copy of Pride and Prejudice off the shelf, I heard the doorbell ring. But I didn’t move, no one I knew would be visiting so late at night.
“Hazel, open up the door,” Elliot’s voice came from the other side with a round of loud knocks on my door. “Bee, I know you’re awake.”
I used one of my t-shirts to wipe the tears, hoping he wouldn’t notice I had been crying—more like bawling like a little girl without her parents—because they’re never around. A child who was afraid to grow up, afraid to lose the only person who loved her.
“Yeah?” I cracked it open.
“Do you need help packing? You don’t have to do this alone.” He asked, lifting his hand and clearing my cheek. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m going to miss you and my house,” I cried harder. “What if you’re not here when I’m back
?”
He cups my face, pressing his lips to mine lightly. “We said forever. Our love is endless.”
“Yeah, but…”
“I’m always here for you.”
“Even my parents left me.” They put other people before me, what made Elliot different from them?
“No matter what, Haze, I’ll always be right beside you. I swear,” Elliot promised, taking me into his arms. And I believed him. “You’ll be back soon.”
It’s only a few years, I promised myself as I cried into his arms. Afraid of losing my past and scared of the unknown future.
“I’ll be waiting for you,” he kissed me deeply, his hands caressed my body while his soul soothed mine.
“Maybe I’ll buy this house from your parents. We’ll use it on the weekends.”
That’s the magic of our love, knowing what to say to each other. “I love you, Elliot McFee.”
“Ditto, Bee.” I kissed his chin, leaning my head on his chest. I closed my eyes imagining our future together.
I rub my chest, soothing the poor girl that lost so much. She’s in the past. I don’t need anyone’s approval. But talking to Elliot was the first step toward closure. When I arrive at the house, Scott is in my bedroom staring at the empty bookcases. He admires my small collection of books. He jokes that when I’m old, my entire home will become one big library.
What can I say?
I’ve always loved books. Reading is my escape into another world.
“If they weren’t so deteriorated, I’d take them to my apartment,” I say, running my index finger along the old wood. “My books arrived today.”
He turns around, arching an eyebrow. “You shipped them?”
“Why would I leave them behind?” I walk around the room, then make my way back toward the hallway. “They’re my mind’s shelter.”
“Have you thought about the house?” He walks behind me. “If you like, I’ll take charge of the renovations, and we can discuss what you want to do with it later.”
“It’s hard to decide.” I stop, turn around and look at him.
“I might want to put everything together just the way it was. The way it used to be.”
“So that’s what you want?” His voice is angry and defeated. “For everything to be the way it used to be?”
I lift my chin, staring at his beautiful aqua green eyes that remind me so much of the Caribbean waters.
“Are we talking about the house or me?”
“You tell me.” He runs a hand through his hair.
The sadness is pushing me into the dark vortex. I have so many questions, and I have this crazy thought maybe the answers to it might be somewhere around this house.
“Honestly, I think I should be the one fixing the house. I need time to find the right way to do this.”
The answer is so simple. This is mine to oversee, to deal with and to complete. I stop in the middle of the living room, close my eyes trying to remember that happy girl who jumped around the house and surfed by the ocean without an ounce of worry on her shoulders.
“Once upon a time, I was happy here," I say opening my eyes. He pulls his phone out, taps it and shows me a picture of myself. “I’ve seen you happy. I’m sure it’s a different kind of happy from what you experienced years ago. What happened to ‘always moving forward’?”
I frown at him, then at the image of that Hazel. She was happy because he was a different Scott. I open my mouth, but close it tight because I have no idea what to tell him. Was he happy with me?
We stare at each other.
“You’re drowning,” he states. “It’s the darkness. I see it, taking over you.”
He lifts his hand, caressing my jaw slowly. He runs it to my ear and down my arm grabbing my hand. “You’re fighting to stay strong, but wouldn’t it be easier if you let me help you?”
“It’s something I have to do by myself,” I tell him, trying to claim my hand but he doesn’t let me. “It’s been an ongoing battle. That’s why I chose to move.”
The words I produce surprise me. It’s like I finally see things clearly. “I’m not blaming you for what’s happening.” I swallow hard and continue. “Depression is a permanent fixture. I’m trying to keep it under control but there’s a big wave crashing against my chest that I can’t fight as easily. It arrived right after we ended things. Dad said his final goodbye, I tried to ask the impossible of you, and…”
I shrug, moving away from him, then turning back. “We ended things.”
“Fuck.” He scrubs his face. “I didn’t mean to—”
“Hey, this isn’t you, okay,” I press the obvious. He has nothing to do with my depression. “Everything I’m doing is to get better. The best way for me to battle it is by looking toward the future. Hence, I wanted something more from you. A serious relationship with you. Even when I knew it wouldn’t go too far.”
“Hazel, but we—”
I lift my arm, showing him my open palm to stop him, as I shake my head. “Please, don’t say anything right now. Whatever you tell me might confuse me and sink me deeper into a hole. I’m a little lost, Scott. Everyone is moving forward—except me.”
“I wish we had talked before you moved,” he expresses, his shoulders hunching. “I don’t know why I feel like every day that passes I’m losing another piece of your heart.”
“You can’t say you’re losing me when we weren’t together,” I say, looking at him. “For now, I have to find myself.”
He swallows hard, nodding twice. “I get it, and I’ll remain here, beside you.”
Every muscle in my body relaxes as he tells me he’s planning on being by my side. Even if I have nothing to offer to him.
Chapter Twelve
“Everyone wants their own little place in the world. Maybe mine is here, loving you.” —Ranata Suzuki
Hazel
I open my eyes when I hear the knock on my door.
“Haze?” Fitz shouts.
I yawn, rub my eyes, and rise from the couch, moving sluggishly toward the door.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah?” I say, trying to collect my thoughts.
“You were napping?” He tilts his head studying me.
“I guess,” I say, covering my mouth while I yawn. “After we visited the house in Santa Cruz, Scott dropped me here and …”
Scratching my head, I scan the apartment. My phone is on the coffee table and my computer on the floor next to the couch. I spent some time checking the homes Scott emailed me and checked my work email. I don’t remember setting my things away or falling asleep.
“Scott isn’t back with the food yet,” I declare.
“How’s the house?” He takes a seat on the couch.
“Well,” I turn around to look at him. “In deplorable condition and … Elliot was there. It was intense.”
I don’t disclose more because I’m still discerning my feelings. Seeing the old house ripped one of the Band-Aids from my heart, making it bleed. The ground underneath me shook by the proximity of Elliot—and Scott.
“Can we discuss the lying asshole?”
“No,” I respond walking toward my buzzing phone.
Kyle: Are you giving us the contract?
“Ugh,” I groan.
Hazel: It’s not solely my decision. But you owe me an apology. You sent Elliot to do the presentation, without warning me about it first.
Kyle: It had to be done. You would’ve avoided him and lost the chance to work with the best contractor in the Bay Area. Plus, you two need to fix your shit.
Hazel: That wasn’t your decision. I want to see you, but I might yell at you before we can hug.
Kyle: Are you really selling your parents’ house?
I groan. Elliot and Kyle are too tight for their own good. It makes me wonder about the many things I’ve confided to him. Has he told any of what I shared with Elliot? I pause, reminding myself that our relationship has nothing to do with their friendship.
Hazel: Are you
coming to help me unpack?
Kyle: Not this week, we have gigs every night.
Hazel: What kind of gig?
Kyle: Work.
Hazel: Like shooting your next porn movie?
Kyle: Something like that, but less frugal.
Hazel: Frugal has nothing to do with porn. Why are you still stripping?
Kyle: You don’t know, my puritanical friend. Maybe I wanted to use the word of the day on my calendar.
Kyle: I still strip. Just to piss off my family. It works like a charm.
Hazel: When can I see you?
Kyle: This week is impossible. I’ll see you soon, though. I can’t wait to hug you.
There’s a knock on the door. Fitz and I look at each other. He nods once marching to open it. Scott enters holding a box and several canvas bags.
Hazel: Talk to you soon, xo
“What is all that?” I watch him intently as he makes his way to the kitchen.
“Food, Hazel. At least what you call your staple food.”
“Wine?”
“You said you wouldn’t be drinking for the next couple of weeks,” he reminds me as he sets the box on top of the counter. “I brought Gong Bao Chicken for you. Dumplings to share, and combination fried rice. Did I miss anything?”
“What about me? I’m starving.” Fitz enters the kitchen and looks inside the box. Then, picks a small takeout box. “Pork with black bean sauce. This makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. Scott still loves me.”
“Shut up, did you finish reviewing the contracts I sent you?” Scott hands me some produce.
“I’m not a kid anymore, Scott. It’s been years since you had to ask me if I had done my homework.”
“Fitzhenry?”
Fitz shakes his head. “No, I have one of my minions taking care of them. He’ll get back to you tomorrow.” He sighs. “Babe, I’d love to spend quality time with you.”
He glares at Scott. “But I’d rather go to the hotel.”
He kisses me on the cheek. “See you tomorrow morning.”
“Bye, Fitzy.”
“Sometimes you’re a big asshole with your brother,” I chide Scott.
Scott grins. “I’m not, I just wanted some alone time with you. If I asked him he would’ve said no. But if I mention work during his off hours he disappears.”
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