by Anne Donovan
‘Well, ah might need it, it’s just ah’m no sure … ah had a kindy an accident.’
She pits doon her pen. ‘What is the nature of the injury?’
‘Ah goat bit by a squirrel.’ Ah haud oot ma haund and let her see the bloody mess. ‘Dae ah need a tetanus jag?’
She doesnae even crack a smile. ‘If you haven’t had one in the last ten years, yes, you do.’
‘Dae ah need tae get it right away? Ah mean if yous are busy ah can come in and get it another time.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll fill in the form and you’ll be seen as soon as possible.’
Heidin up the road efterwards, ah wis desperate tae talk tae the Rinpoche aboot it, but of course ah couldnae, no then, fur he was away. Ah mean, how come ah’d had this amazin experience, aw that clarity, just like it says in the books, and then wan wee thing, a squirrel for fuck’s sake, a squirrel bites me and it’s gone, as if nothin had happened. Ah just couldnae see it. It makes nae sense.
Liz
WHEN THE PHONE rang on New Year’s Day ah thought it would be Jimmy but it was a woman’s voice, quite posh, wan ah didnae recognise.
‘Hello, is that Liz?’
‘Aye.’
‘Barbara Mellis here. We spoke once before on the phone. I know Jimmy.’
‘Oh, aye.’
‘From the retreat. And he did some decorating for me.’
‘Ah mind. Jimmy’s no here the now. Can ah take a message?’
‘Could you ask him to call me when he gets a chance. It’s not urgent but I was hoping he could do another job for me. No rush.’
‘Ah’ll tell him.’
‘How are you doing yourself, Liz? Did you have a nice New Year?’
‘No bad. Quiet.’
‘That’s good. Oh well, nice to talk to you.’
‘Right, bye.’
It was two o’clock afore he came back. Anne Marie was in her room and ah was sittin on the couch. He came in and walked round the back of me, kissin me on the cheek. ‘Happy New Year.’
‘Right.’
‘Guess where ah’ve been,’ he said, wavin his haund aboot. There was a big plaster on his thumb. Ah just looked at him.
‘The Western. Ah got bit by a squirrel.’
‘Well done.’
‘Had tae get a tetanus jag.’
‘If ah was you ah’d jack in that meditation – you’ll have nae fingers left at this rate.’
‘Eh?’
‘Never mind. There was a phone call for you. Barbara. Wants you tae phone her back.’
‘Oh aye. Is she wantin her back room done?’
‘Ah don’t know what she’s wantin done, Jimmy.’
He sat doon on the chair opposite.
‘Might depend on whit you’ve already done for her.’
He reached forward, held oot his haund. Thon plaster, taped on top of a piece of cotton wool, just looked that stupid and pathetic somehow.
‘Come on, Liz, you don’t think that dae you?’
‘Think whit?’
‘That there’s sumpn gaun on between me and Barbara.’
‘How no? First you spend hours gaun back and forth tae Edinburgh, then you decide yer celibate …’
‘Well, ah’d hardly become celibate if ah was …’
‘Shaggin somebody else? How no? Mibbe you couldnae manage the two of us at the wan time.’
‘Liz, don’t be daft … ah’ve no even seen her since … October.’
‘Just aboot the same time you tellt me you wanted tae be celibate.’
‘So?’
‘So mibbe you had tae become celibate.’
‘Liz, what are you on aboot?’
‘Ah’m no daft, Jimmy. Suppose you did have a wee fling wi this Barbara and she left you wi sumpn you didnae bank on? Suppose you couldnae sleep wi me in case you gied it tae me?’
Ah don’t know how it came oot. Ah’d no even thought of it afore, in fact ah don’t think ah really believed that Jimmy actually had been sleepin wi this Barbara, it was wan mair thing tae fling at him. Then suddenly the words were oot ma mooth.
Jimmy sat in the chair, lookin at me. ‘Liz, ah cannae believe you’re sayin this. It’s … ah don’t feel as if it’s you speakin. Ah don’t feel as if ah know you.’
‘Join the club.’
He slept in the spare room that night, then the next day he packed a few things in a holdall and went tae stay at the Centre. We never actually talked aboot him gaun. Ah don’t think either of us thought it was gonnae last. To be honest ah don’t think ah thought anythin at all, just felt relief that he wasnae there any mair, that there was wan less thing ah had tae think aboot. That sounds daft, we’d been merriet for over thirteen year; even though ah was mad at him and things had no exactly been hunky dory between us, you’d think that efter he was gone ah’d of missed him, at least missed him bein around. But all ah felt was relief. Even though he hadnae taken any of his stuff away at first, it was as if the hoose was bigger wioot him, as if ah could breathe easier, had mair air.
Anne Marie seemed neither up nor doon aboot her daddy bein away. That was all that’d really worried me, how she’d take it, and wanst a coupla weeks had went by and she was fine then ah relaxed. Ah mean he was round nearly every night, tae see her, even had his tea wi us, so it wasnae as if she was really missin him. Anne Marie was growin up, startin tae spend mair time in her ain room or talkin tae Nisha on the phone. So ah reckoned it couldnae be that bad. And ah never really thought it was gonnae last, just assumed that wan day he’d come back and things would get back tae normal.
The hard part was tellin other folk, though there wasnae much tellin needed. As soon as wan person knew it went round like wildfire. At first folk kept phonin me and askin if ah wanted tae go oot or for them tae come round and all that but to be honest ah just couldnae be bothered. Ah didnae want tae talk aboot it tae any of them, didnae know what tae say anyway. Ah felt as if it was between me and Jimmy and though ah could of murdered him sometimes ah also felt a kind of loyalty as well. It was too private tae sit round and talk about over a cup a coffee.
Ah mind when Nikki split up fae Matt, she tellt everybody who’d listen tae her every detail; he’d slept wi some wumman fae his work and she found out cos there was red pubic hair in their bed and they’re baith dark. Ah know she needed tae let aff steam but ah don’t think she should of done it. And it was dead embarrassin; he works in the bank and every time ah seen him there ah couldnae help thinkin aboot it. But at least they didnae have any weans. Ah didnae want Anne Marie tae get caught up in all that stuff; it’s no fair on her, she’s his daughter too. So ah just kept masel tae masel.
And ah realised, aboot two weeks efter Jimmy had left, that ah was actually quite enjoyin it. Sounds daft, ah know, but somehow ah felt mair free wioot him.
Anne Marie
HAUF-SEVEN. THE alarm had went aff ten minutes ago and ah was still in bed.
A knock on the door. ‘Anne Marie. You up yet?
‘Comin.’
First day back efter the holidays. And the first day since ah started the secondary that ah’ve no been lookin forward tae goin. Course ah’d never say that. You have tae moan aboot hamework and teachers and whit a drag it is and how you hate it, but really ah don’t. Ah’ve always liked school and bein at secondary’s mair interestin. You’re no stuck in wan place all day, get different teachers. Some are better than others of course but at least you’re only wi them for fifty minutes at a time.
But everybody talks as if it was a prison camp. If ah said ah liked school ah’d get called a swot. Well, mibbe no Music – that’s different. Everybody knows ah love singin and that’s kind of OK. But Geography – oh God, what a drag, d’uh. But it’s no. Ah love Geography. Love lookin at maps. Just knowin there’s all these other countries in the world. And all the stuff aboot climate and weather we’ve been daein this year, the feelin that it’s all that much bigger than us somehow, really gets tae me. Ah’d rather sit and colour in ma
ps or read aboot tornadoes than watch some crappy soap. But then you go intae school and Charlene’s gaun on aboot EastEnders and the only time she mentions hamework is when she wants tae borrow mines tae copy it.
But it’s no the teachers or the work that’s botherin me this mornin. It’s facin ma pals. First day back. And what did you dae in the holidays? Did you have a nice time? What did you get for Christmas? Did yous have a party for the New Year? The millennium?
Oh aye, it was great. Ah got new claes and CDs and Nisha and me done a gig at the millennium karaoke night and ma Auntie Tricia had a party and it was all brilliant and … oh yeah, ma da left hame, by the way. Aye, stayin round the Buddhist Centre noo. But did you see EastEnders last night?
Nisha already knew. Ah tellt her last week efter it happened, efter ma ma and da sat me doon and gied me the wee talk. Sometimes these things happen. Of course we baith still love you just as much. We’ll still be there for you. And this isnae forever – we just need a bit of space tae sort things oot.
Things.
‘Ah’m just gaun roond tae Nisha’s the now. OK?’
‘OK, hen.’
Ah nearly didnae go, walked round and round gaun ower whit ah was gonnae say tae her. There we were, best pals, daein everythin thegether but somehow ah didnae know how tae say it. Ah mean, how come it was such a big deal? Nearly everybody ah knew had parents that were separated or divorced or had never been merriet in the first place. That’s an exaggeration. Ma Auntie Tricia and Uncle John were thegether. But Charlene’s da lives on the South Side wi his girlfriend and her two weans and her ma’s got a boyfriend as well though he doesnae stay wi them. And Charlene goes ower tae her da on the weekends. There’s loads of others in oor class the same. Ah’m no different fae them.
Suppose that’s the problem. Ah thought ah was different, that we were different. Ma mammy and daddy always seemed that happy thegether, the three of us were. Till recently. Since ma da took up wi the lamas. And that was another thing. Tellin folk Ma and Da were separated was wan thing, but ma da was livin in the Buddhist Centre. How weird was that?
At least Nisha didnae think it was weird. No that weird anyway.
‘In a way it’s a good thing. Ah don’t mean it’s good he’s gone, no ah didnae mean that, but …’
‘How do you mean then?’
We were sittin on her bed. Across fae me was the desk wi her computer on it. The screensaver was wee cats followin a ball across the screen. They jumped efter it till it seemed tae bounce right out of the top right hand corner then they started at the bottom again.
‘Ah don’t want you tae take this the wrong way. Ah mean it’s terrible that your mum and da have separated but at least, well it’s not like going off with someone else.’
‘Suppose not.’
‘You don’t sound convinced.’
‘It’s just, ah cannae bear the thought of everybody laughin at ma daddy.’
‘They won’t.’
‘They will. And it’s like … well, everybody always likes ma da.’
Nisha nodded. ‘He’s really nice. And funny.’
‘Ah know, that’s just it. When ah was at primary everybody always said how lucky ah was, your da’s such a laugh, he was always jokin, playin daft tricks. And when ma pals came round tae the hoose he’d always come and play monopoly or cards or he’d come oot and play football wi us … and noo. He’s gone aff wi wee guys wi robes and shaved heids.’
Ah hadnae realised till ah told Nisha just how bad ah must of been feelin but all of a sudden tears came intae ma eyes and startin tae run doon ma face. Ah sniffed and put ma haund in ma pocket tae get a hanky. Then Nisha put her airm round ma shoulder. She never said a word, just put her airm round ma shoulder. And we sat like that for ages.
‘Buddhism.’ Mr Henderson wrote the word on the board. ‘Note the spelling carefuly. Two d’s and a silent h.’
Ah kept ma heid doon, copyin the word carefully intae ma jotter. Typical. Noo we’re startin Buddhism. Well that’s gonnae come in handy. Ah’ll be able tae discuss it wi ma da. Except he’ll no be around.
‘Buddha means enlightened one. And the main difference between Buddhism and the other religions we’ve been studying so far is that in Buddhism there is no god.’
‘Ah didnae know you could have a religion wioot a god, sir.’ Peter McCrone always asked questions. As soon as a teacher said anythin he just opened his mooth and oot it came. Sometimes his questions were quite sensible but he was dead annoyin. A lot of teachers just tellt him tae shut up but Mr Henderson wasnae like that. And Peter wasnae tryin tae be funny, he really wanted tae know.
‘Most religions do have a god, or gods, but Buddhism doesn’t.’
‘Ah thought that was whit religion was – worshippin sumpn.’
Mr Henderson smiled. ‘If that was the case then supporting Celtic or Rangers or even,’ he turnt tae big Davie McCormack, ‘Partick Thistle would be a religion.’
‘Haw sur, that’s no funny slaggin him aff for bein a Partick Thistle supporter,’ Angela Hughes piped up fae the back. ‘His da brung him up tae it.’
Everybody burst oot laughin. Mr Henderson laughed too. ‘That would definitely make it a religion then. I hope you didn’t think I was laughing at David for supporting Partick Thistle. I only know because I see him there on the terraces every week.’
‘Are you sayin you’re a Jags fan?’ Kevin Anderson looked up fae drawin RFC on the inside cover of his jotter.
‘I am indeed,’ said Mr Henderson. Kevin went back tae his drawin.
‘OK, everyone, settle down. We’re getting a bit away from the point here. It is interesting though, to consider what we mean by a religion in the first place. Some people would say that Buddhism is not, in fact, a religion, as there’s no god to be worshipped.’
‘So how come we’re studyin it in RE then?’
‘If you let me go on with the lesson, I hope that by the end of this section it will become clear.’
And for the next hauf hour Mr Henderson went on aboot the life of the Buddha and gied us worksheets wi pictures of lotus flooers on them, but there was nothin in the lesson that helped me tae unnerstaund why ma daddy’d left hame.
And at breaktime when ah seen Charlene and Roseanne ah never even had tae tell them for they knew already. Bad news travels fast.
But it wasnae as bad as ah’d thought it would be. Naebody was that interested really. And efter a few weeks it was as if nothin had really changed. Da came round tae the hoose maist nights for his tea then went aff tae the Centre efterwards. Some nights he’d stay and we’d watch a video or play cards just like we used tae. And the funny thing was that Mammy seemed happier, mair relaxed. Her and me done mair things thegether too, went intae toon thegether or oot for wer tea.
In fact the only person that seemed all that bothered aboot them splittin up was ma granny. Every time ah went round there on ma ain she’d say, ‘Seen much of yer daddy this week, hen?’ and when ah said aye, ah’d seen him yesterday or ah was seein him later, she’d shake her heid and say, ‘Changed times, changed times.’
A few weeks efter ma da had left hame he asked me if ah wanted tae come and visit the Buddhist Centre wi him.
‘You could just come up for a cuppa tea. See the place.’
Somebody’d put a sticker wi a lotus flooer on it next tae the door buzzer outside the close. A dead ordinary close wi a Chinese restaurant on the ground flair.
‘Handy for a wee cairry-oot,’ says ma da.
The Centre was on the second flair and the door was painted bright yella. Da opened it and we went intae the hall, which was long and narrow and quite dark even though it was painted white. On the wall opposite the door was a big poster of the Buddha wi his haund raised in a kind of blessing.
Ma da led us intae a wee recess where there was hooks for hangin yer jaicket and a rack for shoes, like the kind they have in PE. He unlaced his Docs and put them on it. It’s funny, he never wears anythin but Docs – he’s even got a perra green
wans for good. Everybody else’s da wears trainers when they’re gaun ooot but no him. He hates trainers. It’s like he’s in a time warp since he was a punk rocker.
He looked at me. ‘You’ll need tae take yer shoes aff, hen. You’re no allowed tae wear them in here.’
Ah put them on the rack beside his and followed him alang the corridor tae a kitchenette. On wan wall was a sink and a worksurface just big enough for a microwave and a kettle, and shoved intae the corner was a table wi two stools under it. Everythin was clean but a bit shabby and when ma da opened the cupboard under the worksurface ah saw a jumble of mugs and plates, all different patterns.
He put on the kettle and laid two mugs on the table, wan wi a border of pink flowers and wan striped red and black wi a picture of Dennis the Menace on it. He put a teabag in the flowery wan and turned tae me. ‘We can share the teabag.’
He went oot intae the lobby again and came back wi a carton of milk. ‘Fridge is just round the corner there. No enough room in here.’
‘Aye, it’s tiny. How d’yous manage tae cook?’
‘There’s no much cookin done here. Just cups a tea. Ah sometimes heat stuff up in the microwave if ah’m no havin ma dinner wi yous.’
‘But what dae the lamas dae? Ah know they’re supposed tae be enlightened beins but ah didnae think they could live on air.’
Da poured the bilin watter ower the teabag and pressed ontae it wi a spoon. ‘They don’t stay here. It’s only the heid Rinpoche stays here. The others live in a hoose aboot ten minutes’ walk away. They all have their meals there and he goes ower at meal times tae join them.’
‘So it’s just you and him here then?’
‘Maist of the time it’s dead busy. The lamas come here tae pray and run meditation classes. And there’s loads a folk in and oot, meditatin or just hingin aboot. It’s only late at night when there’s just me and him, and a lot of the time he’s in his room.’