by Anne Donovan
‘Sorry, Anne Marie, never realised the time. Thought ah’d be back ages ago. We’ll need tae shift – visitin’s at seven. Did you get somethin tae eat?’
‘Aye, it’s cool, Ma. What did you get for her?’
‘A wee frock.’
‘Can ah see?’ She was in the bag afore ah could say anythin. She pulled the pack oot, made a face, put them back in. ‘Yuck.’
‘Yer Auntie Tricia’ll like it.’
There was a sea of pink round Tricia’s bed. Pink balloons tied tae the bedpost, the bed littered wi pink wrappin paper and baby claes and the bedside table hidden by pink cards. John and the three boys stood round Tricia, her sittin up in bed, beamin fae ear tae ear. And beside the bed, in a cot like a plastic box, lay the wean.
‘Congratulations, Tricia.’ Ah kissed her cheek. ‘John.’ He gied me a hug. Ah laid the present on the bed and Tricia unwrapped it.
‘Thanks, Liz – it’s beautiful, in’t it, John?’ She turned tae me. ‘By the way, you just missed Jimmy – he’s away five minutes ago.’
Ah didnae reply, just nodded at the cot. ‘Can ah have a wee look? Is she sleepin?’
‘Aye, typical – sleeps when she’s got visitors.’
Ah looked intae the cot. Crumpled wee pink face, keekin out fae the covers.
‘Aren’t you gorgeous?’ Ah put ma finger on her cheek, felt the softness. Anne Marie stood beside me, starin at the wean. Ah put ma airm intae hers.
‘How are you feelin, Tricia?’
‘Don’t ask. Och, but you forget it all, don’t you?’ She reached over, looked intae the cot. ‘Would you look at her? Isn’t she her daddy’s double?’
When we were gettin intae the car, Anne Marie said, ‘OK if ah go round tae Nisha’s the night?’
‘It’s a bit late, Anne Marie. It’s hauf-eight the noo.’
‘No school the morra, Mum.’
‘Ah know, hen, it’s no that, it’s just you gettin back late at night.’
‘Ma, it’s broad daylight tae nearly eleven o’clock. Ah can get a bus straight up Maryhill Road.’
‘Aye but you’d need tae walk all through they side streets tae get tae the bus stop.’
‘Och, Ma.’
‘Anne Marie, ah know you’re growin up but ah don’t want you startin tae run round the streets tae all hours of the night. It’s no safe.’
‘Ah’m no runnin round the streets – ah’m gaun tae Nisha’s – ah’ve got tae see her aboot the CD – ah’ve just had an idea. Mammy, it’s so nearly there, it’s due in next Wednesday, please, Ma?’
‘If you’re gaun tae Nisha’s hoose at night you need tae go when me or your daddy can pick you up. Why don’t you just phone Nisha and tell her?’
‘It’s no the same.’
‘Look, ah’ll pick you up fae Nisha’s hoose another night, ah promise. Ah’m just a bit tired the night and ah’ve got work the morra.’
Anne Marie shrugged and turned away. She really was becomin a teenager. In a few years she wouldnae need me at all.
The close felt cool and airy efter the clamminess outside. Ah put ma haund on the tiles and let the cold steady me. As ah climbed the stair ah felt a wee niggle of fear brush round ma throat. Last night ah’d tossed and turned all night in the stiflin heat, runnin through all the possible scenes in ma heid as ah tellt him aboot the baby. All the different ways ah could say it. You’re gonnae be a daddy. Ah’m pregnant. Ah’ve been tae the doctor’s this week. Ah’ve got sumpn tae tell you. Could ah make a joke of it? Ah’m up the stick, got a bun in the oven.
And in ma heid he’d always take me in his airms and everythin would be all right. He was over the moon, overjoyed, couldnae wait. Even though it was too soon, a bit messy, we could make it all right. This was always happenin tae folk and they made the best of it. Babies brought you thegether. Jimmy and me had never been as close as we were in the early days wi Anne Marie – he was besotted wi her. Ah could mind us bringin her hame fae the hospital and sittin lookin at her as if she was a precious diamond or somethin.
But there, in the close, pausin at the first-flair landin, ah felt the clamp of fear reachin round ma hert, for the first time. Ah took a deep breath and went on up the stairs.
‘Hi.’ He put his airms round me and we kissed. Flicker of feelin. ‘Come on through tae ma room. Julie’s cookin for all her pals the night. Aboot fifty-nine pots on the stove – it’s like the Amazonian rainforests in there.’
We sat on his bed.
‘Want a glass of wine?’
‘No, ah’ll no bother. Ah’m a bit too hot actually.’
‘What aboot water? Ah’ve got some fizzy stuff in the fridge.’
‘OK.’
He came back a minute later wi a glass of water and a red wine, sat beside me.
‘So, is it a quiet night in the night? Or will we go clubbin?’
‘Could we mibbe have a wee talk, David?’
‘Sure.’
Ah took a deep breath. Nae point in haudin back or thinkin too much.
‘David, ah’m pregnant.’
Ah looked hard intae his face but there was nae clue; his eyes were clear and clean lookin, you could of looked through them. He took a sip of his wine, swallowed.
‘Well, ah didnae expect this.’ He traced his finger along the back of ma haund. ‘How do you feel?’
‘How d’you mean?’
‘Ah mean – is it what you want?’
‘David, ah don’t think it’s exactly how ah’d of planned it, but, aye, of course it’s what ah want. Ah’ve always wanted another baby, just never banked on it happenin like this.’
‘Me neither, ah mean, no so soon.’
He was lookin doon, still tracin his finger across the veins of ma haund as if his life depended on it.
‘Ah don’t know whit tae say.’
‘Ah know it’s a shock.’
‘How did … fuck, what a stupid thing tae say, but, ah mean, ah thought we’d been careful.’
‘Aye.’
‘Still, it’s no foolproof.’
‘Naw.’
‘It’s definite?’
‘Ah done a test.’
‘Right.’
He started tae pick up his claes aff the flair, foldin tee shirts and layin them on a pile on the bed.
‘Jesus,’ he said.
‘What if it’s a girl?’
‘What?’ He looked at me, confused for a moment, then his face took on a hauf-smile that was almost a grimace. ‘Ah’m too slow, sorry.’
‘Shouldnae joke aboot it.’
He sat doon beside me again. ‘Why break the habits of a lifetime? It is a joke anyway, if you look at it. Life’s a big joke.’
‘How d’you mean?’
‘The timin. It’s always the timin. Life, ah mean. We always think it’s things that happen that are good or bad but it’s no that, it’s the timin. If things come along at the right time, well, everythin’s brilliant – if it’s the wrong time, it’s a disaster.’
‘Sounds like philosophy … mibbe you could add it in tae your PhD.’
He took ma haund again. ‘It’s like us. Ah mean, we’re good thegether, brilliant – now if we’d met, let’s say two year fae noo. Ah’ve finished the PhD and got a job, you’ve divorced Jimmy … perfect. Then, efter a couple a year, you get pregnant. When we’re ready.’
‘But you’re no ready.’
‘Are you?’
‘Ah don’t think it’s quite the same for a woman. Ah think yer body’s always ready for a baby.’
‘Oh, come on, Liz. Whatever happened tae a woman’s right tae her ain body, tae control her fertility?’
‘Well, obviously ah havnae controlled mines very well or else we wouldnae be here.’
He put his heid in his haunds, pushed back his hair.
‘Christ, ah’m sorry, Liz. Ah’m an eejit.’
He put his airm round me and pulled me closer. ‘How are you feelin anyway? You OK? Ah never even asked you if you were feelin sick or anythin?’<
br />
‘Ah’m OK.’
‘And you definitely want tae have the baby?’
‘You think ah should get rid of it?’
‘Well, obviously it would make life simpler, but it’s your choice. It is wan option though.’
‘It’s no an option for me.’
‘Right. Is it the Catholic thing?’
‘Ah don’t know … ah just … couldnae.’
He took his airm away, sat lookin at the flair. ‘Liz, ah don’t want you tae think ah’m slidin oot of this, but it’s a bit of a shock. Ah need some time tae think. Can we talk aboot this the morra?’
‘OK.’
‘D’you want a coffee or somethin the noo?’
‘Naw, better get gaun. Said ah’d pick up Anne Marie fae Nisha’s.’ Ah stood up, lifted ma bag. ‘David …’
‘Aye?’
Ah shook ma heid. ‘Nothin. Look, ah’ll see you the morra.’
‘OK. Seven?’
‘Aye.’
He put his airms round me, kissed me. His lips felt soft and squashy like peaches.
The next day ah went for a walk in the Botanic Gardens. Passin the time. Another wanny they close heavy days but the rain was drizzlin so ah went inside the Kibble Palace and sat on a bench among the big green tangle of plants and trees. A squirrel was joukin aboot underneath them. A couple walked by haund in haund. ‘It’s beautiful in here,’ she said.
Ah couldnae see how anybody could call it beautiful. Ah’ve never liked the greenhooses; tae me they’re dead scabby and sad-lookin, and the big plants gie me the creeps. Hate gaun intae the orchid hoose as well, especially on ma ain; always feel as if they’re gonnae reach oot and grab at ma airm, take me in underneath the earth somewhere and ah’ll never return.
Used tae spend a lot of time wi Anne Marie here, though. Somewhere tae go when it was rainin, somewhere tae come wi a buggy and sit for a while when she was asleep. That’s all ahead of me again. Another life.
Ah could hear voices comin closer but couldnae see anyone. A guided tour; posh voice, cairryin loud through the place, ringin oot. ‘Now, can anyone tell me the dates when dinosaurs roamed the earth?’ Another voice, quieter, couldnae make oot the words. Then her voice again. ‘Spot on!’
Must be weans gettin shown round. On and on aboot whit the earth was like when there was nae people, nae plants. Loud and clear, a voice that demanded you listened tae it, you couldnae tune it oot. Confident, they voices, they English voices. Mibbe she wasnae English right enough. Loads of times you thought they were English and they turned oot tae be Scottish but went tae private schools.
Ah got up and walked past where she was staundin wi a crowd of teenagers, Spanish-lookin they were. A wee wumman, dead plain wi black hair cut straight across her forehead, and that voice, clear and harsh as a diamond. ‘Sustainable. Sustainable means capable of lasting for …’ Almost a falter, almost as if she was thinkin it oot, as if she didnae have it all pat. ‘Forever.’
Is that what sustainable meant? If you sustained somethin did that mean it was gonnae last forever? What aboot flowers, plants – did sustainable mean forever or did it just mean for as long as was natural? What aboot me and David? Were we sustainable? Could we last? Were we gonnae make it thegether for this new life growin inside me?
Ah opened the door of his room, stopped and looked round.
‘You’ve been busy.’
All the rubbish that had been lyin round had been cleared up. The books and papers on top of his desk were in neat piles and the door of the wardrobe, that usually lay swingin open, was shut.
‘Jeezo, you’ve even made the bed.’ Ah sat doon on it. ‘Are you sure it’s no you that’s pregnant?’
‘Mibbe ma hormones are comin oot in sympathy. Want a glass a wine? Or mineral water?’
‘Water, please.’
He’d laid oot two glasses, a bottle of wine and wan of mineral water on a coffee table that used tae lie in a corner buried in junk.
He sat across fae me on the armchair.
‘So what’s brought this on?’ ah said.
‘Dunno. Efter you tellt me yesterday, ah just found masel tidyin up. Usually when ah’m in here on ma ain ah’m workin or listenin tae music but ah couldnae settle tae anythin. Never meant tae clear up, just found masel daein it, and wanst ah’d started …’
‘Ah’ve started so ah’ll finish.’
‘Sumpn like that. Cannae imagine me keepin it like this, right enough.’
It felt funny sittin opposite him like this. Usually we were lyin doon or sittin on the bed. Usually there was naewhere else tae sit.
‘Liz, ah’ve been thinkin things over – actually ah’ve been thinkin of nothin else, and … well, ah just don’t know whit tae say. You know ah really like you, and if we’d time tae see how things developed … ah mean it could of worked oot.’
‘So you’re sayin they cannae work oot noo.’
‘Naw, ah’m no sayin that, mibbe they could, ah mean there’s whit – seven month tae go – a lot could happen in seven month.’
‘A lot will happen in seven month.’
‘You know what ah mean … between us, the way our relationship could develop.’
Ah sipped the mineral water. It was cauld, oot the fridge.
‘Look, what ah think ah’m sayin is ah still don’t know, and cannae promise anythin, but ah don’t want tae run away.’
‘So, what are we gonnae dae then?’
‘Well, ah thought mibbe we could go tae counsellin thegether.’
‘Counsellin?’
‘Aye, ah mean whatever happens it would help us tae come tae terms wi it, help us explore our options.’
‘And what d’you think our options are, David?’
‘Well, if we’re gonnae live thegether, whether we should live apart and share parentin …’
‘Ah don’t think that sharin parentin is an optionexactly … you’ve already shared that bit.’
‘Ah cannae believe you’re bein sarcastic aboot this. Ah’m tryin tae take responsibility.’
‘Ah’m sorry, ah just cannae take this counsellin and parentin stuff. In seven and a hauf month ah’m gonnae have a wean. You may have options aboot whether or no you share the parentin – ah don’t. Ah’m its mother.’
He put his wine doon on the table, got up aff the chair and came ower tae me, kneelin in front of me, lookin up at me.
‘Liz, gie’s a break will you. Ah’m tryin.’
‘Ah know you are.’
Ah stroked his hair, pushin it back fae his foreheid, and he buried his face in ma lap. We sat like that for a minute. Then he started tae push ma skirt up wi his heid, the stubble on his chin ticklin ma thighs.
‘Hey, this is nice in here.’
He looked up, then went back under, pullin doon ma knickers, lickin round ma hair, his tongue slitherin inside. Then ah moved aff the bed on tae the flair and we done it there, me on ma back and the carpet rough on ma bum, and it was almost like the first time, that fierceness that blocked oot everythin, except it was better cause it went on and on; ah could hear ma voice as if it was an echo far away in the distance, as if it belonged tae someone else.
Efter, we lay on the flair on wer backs, side by side.
‘Well, at least we don’t need tae worry aboot you gettin pregnant that time.’
‘Cats can dae that.’
‘What?’
‘Get pregnant a second time … if they have sex wi different tom cats when they’re on heat they can have a litter wi different faithers.’ Ah moved round on tae ma side. ‘Got any tissues?’
‘Here – use this.’
He took a towel oot the drawer and haunded it tae me. Ah wiped masel dry.
‘Wan disadvantage.’
‘Whit?’
‘Of no usin condoms.’
‘Right. Sorry, ma brain’s fucked the now.’
‘Just yer brain?’ Ah shivered. ‘Is it just ma hormones or is it a bit chilly in here?’
‘Well it’s no exactly w
arm. Let’s get under the covers and coorie in.’
Lyin there, airms round each other, ah started tae warm up. His heid was buried in ma shoulder and his eyes were closed. ‘David?’
‘Mmm.’
‘Know whit’s really strange aboot all this?’
‘Whit?’
‘Ah cannae believe you tidied this room all up.’
Anne Marie
GURPREET’S DOWNIE COVER was daein ma heid in. A pattern of red and black and grey, all wee circles and squares and squiggly bits. Ah shut ma eyes, tryin tae block it out, but the pattern came back, imprinted on the inside of ma brain. We’d been stuck in here all day yesterday and all day the day, tryin tae get the CD finished. Ah’d thought we were on the last stages and it’d only take a few hours tae get it sorted, but we kept tryin it wan way, then another, changin wee bits till it got tae the point where you could hardly hear the difference.
Nisha and me had been singin ‘salve’ back and forward tae each other as if we were talkin.
‘Yeah, that’s it, Anne Marie,’ said Gurpreet.
‘Not that one – the one before.’ Nisha sang a slightly different note and pointed at me. Ah sang it back. ‘See,’ she said.
‘Still think the first way’s better.’
‘It doesnae matter what you think – it’s our CD. You need tae dae it our way. Anne Marie, what d’you think?’
Ah’d nae idea any mair.
Nisha’s ma poked her heid round the door. ‘Nearly finished?’
‘You’re jokin,’ said Nisha.
‘You need to take a break. I’ve made tea and put a snack out for you in the kitchen.’
Nisha’s ma’s idea of a snack was mair like a three- course meal.
‘Ma, we only had lunch about an hour ago.’
‘You need to keep your strength up.’
Ootside the kitchen windae the sky was heavy. Ma heid was startin tae ache.