by W. W. Jacobs
Dealing with a man, said the night-watchman, thoughtfully, is as easy asa teetotaller walking along a nice wide pavement; dealing with a womanis like the same teetotaller, arter four or five whiskies, trying to getup a step that ain't there. If a man can't get 'is own way he eases 'ismind with a little nasty language, and then forgets all about it; if awoman can't get 'er own way she flies into a temper and reminds you ofsomething you oughtn't to ha' done ten years ago. Wot a woman would dowhose 'usband had never done anything wrong I can't think.
I remember a young feller telling me about a row he 'ad with 'is wifeonce. He 'adn't been married long and he talked as if the way shecarried on was unusual. Fust of all, he said, she spoke to 'im in acooing sort o' voice and pulled his moustache, then when he wouldn'tgive way she worked herself up into a temper and said things about 'issister. Arter which she went out o' the room and banged the door so hardit blew down a vase off the fireplace. Four times she came back to tell'im other things she 'ad thought of, and then she got so upset she 'adto go up to bed and lay down instead of getting his tea. When thatdidn't do no good she refused her food, and when 'e took her up toastand tea she wouldn't look at it. Said she wanted to die. He got quiteuneasy till 'e came 'ome the next night and found the best part of aloaf o' bread, a quarter o' butter, and a couple o' chops he 'ad got infor 'is supper had gorn; and then when he said 'e was glad she 'ad got'er appetite back she turned round and said that he grudged 'er the foodshe ate.
And no woman ever owned up as 'ow she was wrong; and the more you tryand prove it to 'em the louder they talk about something else. I knowwot I'm talking about because a woman made a mistake about me once, andthough she was proved to be in the wrong, and it was years ago, mymissus shakes her 'ead about it to this day.
It was about eight years arter I 'ad left off going to sea and took upnight-watching. A beautiful summer evening it was, and I was sitting bythe gate smoking a pipe till it should be time to light up, when Inoticed a woman who 'ad just passed turn back and stand staring at me.I've 'ad that sort o' thing before, and I went on smoking and lookingstraight in front of me. Fat middle-aged woman she was, wot 'ad lost hergood looks and found others. She stood there staring and staring, and byand by she tries a little cough.
I got up very slow then, and, arter looking all round at the evening,without seeing 'er, I was just going to step inside and shut the wicket,when she came closer.
"Bill!" she ses, in a choking sort o' voice.
"Bill!"
I gave her a look that made her catch 'er breath, and I was juststepping through the wicket, when she laid hold of my coat and tried tohold me back.
"Do you know wot you're a-doing of?" I ses, turning on her.
"Oh, Bill dear," she ses, "don't talk to me like that. Do you want tobreak my 'art? Arter all these years!"
She pulled out a dirt-coloured pocket-'ankercher and stood there dabbingher eyes with it. One eye at a time she dabbed, while she looked at mereproachful with the other. And arter eight dabs, four to each eye, shebegan to sob as if her 'art would break.
"Go away," I ses, very slow. "You can't stand making that noise outsidemy wharf. Go away and give somebody else a treat."
Afore she could say anything the potman from the Tiger, a nasty ginger-'aired little chap that nobody liked, come by and stopped to pat her onthe back.
"There, there, don't take on, mother," he ses. "Wot's he been a-doing toyou?"
"You get off 'ome," I ses, losing my temper.
"Wot d'ye mean trying to drag me into it? I've never seen the womanafore in my life."
"Oh, Bill!" ses the woman, sobbing louder than ever. "Oh! Oh! Oh!"
"'Ow does she know your name, then?" ses the little beast of a potman.
I didn't answer him. I might have told 'im that there's about fivemillion Bills in England, but I didn't. I stood there with my armsfolded acrost my chest, and looked at him, superior.
"Where 'ave you been all this long, long time?" she ses, between hersobs. "Why did you leave your happy 'ome and your children wot lovedyou?"
The potman let off a whistle that you could have 'eard acrost the river,and as for me, I thought I should ha' dropped. To have a woman standingsobbing and taking my character away like that was a'most more than Icould bear.
"Did he run away from you?" ses the potman.
"Ye-ye-yes," she ses. "He went off on a vy'ge to China over nine yearsago, and that's the last I saw of 'im till to-night. A lady friend o'mine thought she reckernized 'im yesterday, and told me."
"I shouldn't cry over 'im," ses the potman, shaking his 'ead: "he ain'tworth it. If I was you I should just give 'im a bang or two over the'ead with my umberella, and then give 'im in charge."
I stepped inside the wicket--backwards--and then I slammed it in theirfaces, and putting the key in my pocket, walked up the wharf. I knew itwas no good standing out there argufying. I felt sorry for the porething in a way. If she really thought I was her 'usband, and she 'adlost me---- I put one or two things straight and then, for the sake ofdistracting my mind, I 'ad a word or two with the skipper of the JohnHenry, who was leaning against the side of his ship, smoking.
"Wot's that tapping noise?" he ses, all of a sudden. "'Ark!"
I knew wot it was. It was the handle of that umberella 'ammering on thegate. I went cold all over, and then when I thought that the pot-man wasmost likely encouraging 'er to do it I began to boil.
"Somebody at the gate," ses the skipper.
"Aye, aye," I ses. "I know all about it."
I went on talking until at last the skipper asked me whether he waswandering in 'is mind, or whether I was. The mate came up from the cabinjust then, and o' course he 'ad to tell me there was somebody knockingat the gate.
"Ain't you going to open it?" ses the skipper, staring at me.
"Let 'em ring," I ses, off-hand.
The words was 'ardly out of my mouth afore they did ring, and if they'ad been selling muffins they couldn't ha' kept it up harder. And allthe time the umberella was doing rat-a-tat tats on the gate, while avoice-- much too loud for the potman's--started calling out: "Watch-manahoy!"
"They're calling you, Bill," ses the skipper. "I ain't deaf," I ses,very cold.
"Well, I wish I was," ses the skipper. "It's fair making my ear ache.Why the blazes don't you do your dooty, and open the gate?"
"You mind your bisness and I'll mind mine," I ses. "I know wot I'mdoing. It's just some silly fools 'aving a game with me, and I'm notgoing to encourage 'em."
"Game with you?" ses the skipper. "Ain't they got anything better thanthat to play with? Look 'ere, if you don't open that gate, I will."
"It's nothing to do with you," I ses. "You look arter your ship and I'lllook arter my wharf. See? If you don't like the noise, go down in thecabin and stick your 'ead in a biscuit-bag."
To my surprise he took the mate by the arm and went, and I was justthinking wot a good thing it was to be a bit firm with people sometimes,when they came back dressed up in their coats and bowler-hats andclimbed on to the wharf.
"Watchman!" ses the skipper, in a hoity-toity sort o' voice, "me and themate is going as far as Aldgate for a breath o' fresh air. Open thegate."
I gave him a look that might ha' melted a 'art of stone, and all it doneto 'im was to make 'im laugh.
"Hurry up," he ses. "It a'most seems to me that there's somebody ringingthe bell, and you can let them in same time as you let us out. Is it thebell, or is it my fancy, Joe?" he ses, turning to the mate.
They marched on in front of me with their noses cocked in the air, andall the time the noise at the gate got worse and worse. So far as Icould make out, there was quite a crowd outside, and I stood there withthe key in the lock, trembling all over. Then I unlocked it verycareful, and put my hand on the skipper's arm.
"Nip out quick," I ses, in a whisper.
"I'm in no hurry," ses the skipper. "Here! Halloa, wot's up?"
It was like opening the door at a theatre, and the fust one through wasthat wom
an, shoved behind by the potman. Arter 'im came a car-man, twobig 'ulking brewers' draymen, a little scrap of a woman with 'er bonnetcocked over one eye, and a couple of dirty little boys.
"Wot is it?" ses the skipper, shutting the wicket behind 'em. "Abeanfeast?"
"This lady wants her 'usband," ses the pot-man, pointing at me. "He runaway from her nine years ago, and now he says he 'as never seen 'erbefore. He ought to be 'ung."
"Bill," ses the skipper, shaking his silly 'ead at me. "I can 'ardlybelieve it."
"It's all a pack o' silly lies," I ses, firing up. "She's made amistake."
"She made a mistake when she married you," ses the thin little woman."If I was in 'er shoes I'd take 'old of you and tear you limb fromlimb."
"I don't want to hurt 'im, ma'am," ses the other woman. "I on'y want himto come 'ome to me and my five. Why, he's never seen the youngest,little Annie. She's as like 'im as two peas."
"Pore little devil," ses the carman.
"Look here!" I ses, "you clear off. All of you. 'Ow dare you come on tomy wharf? If you aren't gone in two minutes I'll give you all incharge."
"Who to?" ses one of the draymen, sticking his face into mine. "You go'ome to your wife and kids. Go on now, afore I put up my 'ands to you."
"That's the way to talk to 'im," ses the pot-man, nodding at 'em.
They all began to talk to me then and tell me wot I was to do, and wotthey would do if I didn't. I couldn't get a word in edgeways. When Ireminded the mate that when he was up in London 'e always passed himselfoff as a single man, 'e wouldn't listen; and when I asked the skipperwhether 'is pore missus was blind, he on'y went on shouting at the topof 'is voice. It on'y showed me 'ow anxious most people are thateverybody else should be good.
I thought they was never going to stop, and, if it 'adn't been for a fitof coughing, I don't believe that the scraggy little woman could ha'stopped. Arter one o' the draymen 'ad saved her life and spoilt 'ertemper by patting 'er on the back with a hand the size of a leg o'mutton, the carman turned to me and told me to tell the truth, if itchoked me.
"I have told you the truth," I ses. "She ses I'm her 'usband and I say Iain't. Ow's she going to prove it? Why should you believe her, and notme?"
"She's got a truthful face," ses the carman.
"Look here!" ses the skipper, speaking very slow, "I've got an idea,wot'll settle it p'raps. You get outside," he ses, turning sharp on thetwo little boys.
One o' the draymen 'elped 'em to go out, and 'arf a minute arterwards astone came over the gate and cut the potman's lip open. Boys will beboys.
"Now!" ses the skipper, turning to the woman, and smiling withconceitedness. "Had your 'usband got any marks on 'im? Birth-mark, ormoles, or anything of that sort?"
"I'm sure he is my 'usband," ses the woman, dabbing her eyes.
"Yes, yes," ses the skipper, "but answer my question. If you can tell usany marks your 'usband had, we can take Bill down into my cabin and----"
"You'll do WOT?" I ses, in a loud voice.
"You speak when you're spoke to," ses the carman. "It's got nothing todo with you."
"No, he ain't got no birthmarks," ses the woman, speaking very slow--andI could see she was afraid of making a mistake and losing me--"but he'sgot tattoo marks. He's got a mermaid tattooed on 'im."
"Where?" ses the skipper, a'most jumping.
I 'eld my breath. Five sailormen out of ten have been tattooed withmermaids, and I was one of 'em. When she spoke agin I thought I shouldha' dropped.
"On 'is right arm," she ses, "unless he's 'ad it rubbed off."
"You can't rub out tattoo marks," ses the skipper.
They all stood looking at me as if they was waiting for something. Ifolded my arms--tight--and stared back at 'em.
"If you ain't this lady's 'usband," ses the skipper, turning to me, "youcan take off your coat and prove it."
"And if you don't we'll take it off for you," ses the carman, coming abit closer.
Arter that things 'appened so quick, I hardly knew whether I wasstanding on my 'cad or my heels. Both, I think. They was all on top o'me at once, and the next thing I can remember is sitting on the groundin my shirt-sleeves listening to the potman, who was making a fearfulfuss because somebody 'ad bit his ear 'arf off. My coat was ripped upthe back, and one of the draymen was holding up my arm and showing themall the mermaid, while the other struck matches so as they could seebetter.
"That's your 'usband right enough," he ses to the woman. "Take 'im."
"P'raps she'll carry 'im 'ome," I ses, very fierce and sarcastic.
"And we don't want none of your lip," ses the carman, who was in a badtemper because he 'ad got a fearful kick on the shin from somewhere.
I got up very slow and began to put my coat on again, and twice I 'ad totell that silly woman that when I wanted her 'elp I'd let 'er know. ThenI 'eard slow, heavy footsteps in the road outside, and, afore any of 'emcould stop me, I was calling for the police.
I don't like policemen as a rule; they're too inquisitive, but when thewicket was pushed open and I saw a face with a helmet on it peeping in,I felt quite a liking for 'em.
"Wot's up?" ses the policeman, staring 'ard at my little party.
They all started telling 'im at once, and I should think if the potmanshowed him 'is ear once he showed it to 'im twenty times. He lost histemper and pushed it away at last, and the potman gave a 'owl that setmy teeth on edge. I waited till they was all finished, and the policemantrying to get 'is hearing back, and then I spoke up in a quiet way andtold 'im to clear them all off of my wharf.
"They're trespassing," I ses, "all except the skipper and mate here.They belong to a little wash-tub that's laying alongside, and they'reboth as 'armless as they look."
It's wonderful wot a uniform will do. The policeman just jerked his 'eadand said "out-side," and the men went out like a flock of sheep. Theon'y man that said a word was the carman, who was in such a hurry that'e knocked his bad shin against my foot as 'e went by. The thin littlewoman was passed out by the policeman in the middle of a speech she wasmaking, and he was just going for the other, when the skipper stopped'im.
"This lady is coming on my ship," he ses, puffing out 'is chest.
I looked at 'im, and then I turned to the policeman. "So long as shegoes off my wharf, I don't mind where she goes," I ses. "The skipper'sgoings-on 'ave got nothing to do with me."
"Then she can foller him 'ome in the morning," ses the skipper. "Goodnight, watch-man."
Him and the mate 'elped the silly old thing to the ship, and, arter I'ad been round to the Bear's Head and fetched a pint for the police-man,I locked up and sat down to think things out; and the more I thought theworse they seemed. I've 'eard people say that if you have a clearconscience nothing can hurt you. They didn't know my missus.
I got up at last and walked on to the jetty, and the woman, wot wassitting on the deck of the John Henry, kept calling out: "Bill!" like asick baa-lamb crying for its ma. I went back, and 'ad four pints at theBear's Head, but it didn't seem to do me any good, and at last I wentand sat down in the office to wait for morning.
It came at last, a lovely morning with a beautiful sunrise; and thatwoman sitting up wide awake, waiting to foller me 'ome. When I openedthe gate at six o'clock she was there with the mate and the skipper,waiting, and when I left at five minutes past she was trotting alongbeside me.
Twice I stopped and spoke to 'er, but it was no good. Other peoplestopped too, and I 'ad to move on agin; and every step was bringing menearer to my house and the missus.
I turned into our street, arter passing it three times, and the firstthing I saw was my missus standing on the doorstep 'aving a few wordswith the lady next door. Then she 'appened to look up and see us, justas that silly woman was trying to walk arm-in-arm.
Twice I knocked her 'and away, and then, right afore my wife and theparty next door, she put her arm round my waist. By the time I got tothe 'ouse my legs was trembling so I could hardly stand, and when I gotinto the passage I
'ad to lean up against the wall for a bit.
"Keep 'er out," I ses.
"Wot do you want?" ses my missus, trembling with passion. "Wot do youthink you're doing?"
"I want my 'usband, Bill," ses the woman.
My missus put her 'and to her throat and came in without a word, and thewoman follered 'er. If I hadn't kept my presence o' mind and shut thedoor two or three more would 'ave come in too.
I went into the kitchen about ten minutes arterwards to see 'ow they wasgetting on. Besides which they was both calling for me.
"Now then!" ses my missus, who was leaning up against the dresser with'er arms folded, "wot 'ave you got to say for yourself walking in asbold as brass with this hussy?"
"Bill!" ses the woman, "did you hear wot she called me?"
She spoke to me like that afore my wife, and in two minutes they was atit, hammer and tongs.
Fust of all they spoke about each other, and then my missus startedspeaking about me. She's got a better memory than most people, becauseshe can remember things that never 'appened, and every time I coughedshe turned on me like a tiger.
"And as for you," she ses, turning to the woman, "if you did marry 'imyou should ha' made sure that he 'adn't got a wife already."
"He married me fust," ses the woman.
"When?" ses my wife. "Wot was the date?"
"Wot was the date you married 'im?" ses the other one.
They stood looking at each other like a couple o' game-cocks, and Icould see as plain as a pike-staff 'ow frightened both of 'em was o'losing me.
"Look here!" I ses at last, to my missus, "talk sense. 'Ow could I bemarried to 'er? When I was at sea I was at sea, and when I was ashore Iwas with you."
"Did you use to go down to the ship to see 'im off?" ses the woman.
"No," ses my wife. "I'd something better to do."
"Neither did I," ses the woman. "P'raps that's where we both made amistake."
"You get out of my 'ouse!" ses my missus, very sudden. "Go on, afore Iput you out."
"Not without my Bill," ses the woman. "If you lay a finger on me I'llscream the house down."
"You brought her 'ere," ses my wife, turning to me, "now you can take'er away?"
"I didn't bring 'er," I ses. "She follered me."
"Well, she can foller you agin," she ses. "Go on!" she ses, tremblingall over. "Git out afore I start on you."
I was in such a temper that I daren't trust myself to stop. I just gave'er one look, and then I drew myself up and went out. 'Alf the fools inour street was standing in front of the 'ouse, 'umming like bees, but Itook no notice. I held my 'ead up and walked through them with thatwoman trailing arter me.
I was in such a state of mind that I went on like a man in a dream. Ifit had ha' been a dream I should ha' pushed 'er under an omnibus, butyou can't do things like that in real life.
"Penny for your thoughts, Bill," she ses. I didn't answer her.
"Why don't you speak to me?" she ses.
"You don't know wot you're asking for," I ses.
I was hungry and sleepy, and 'ow I was going to get through the day Icouldn't think. I went into a pub and 'ad a couple o' pints o' stout anda crust o' bread and cheese for brekfuss. I don't know wot she 'ad, butwhen the barman tried to take for it out o' my money, I surprised 'im.
We walked about till I was ready to drop. Then we got to Victoria Park,and I 'ad no sooner got on to the grass than I laid down and wentstraight off to sleep. It was two o'clock when I woke, and, arter acouple o' pork-pies and a pint or two, I sat on a seat in the Parksmoking, while she kep' dabbing 'er eyes agin and asking me to come'ome.
At five o'clock I got up to go back to the wharf, and, taking no noticeof 'er, I walked into the street and jumped on a 'bus that was passing.She jumped too, and, arter the conductor had 'elped 'er up off of 'erknees and taken her arms away from his waist, I'm blest if he didn'tturn on me and ask me why I 'adn't left her at 'ome.
We got to the wharf just afore six. The John Henry 'ad gorn, but theskipper 'ad done all the 'arm he could afore he sailed, and, if I 'adn'tkept my temper, I should ha' murdered arf a dozen of 'em.
The woman wanted to come on to the wharf, but I 'ad a word or two withone o' the fore-men, who owed me arf-a-dollar, and he made that allright.
"We all 'ave our faults, Bill," he ses as 'e went out, "and I supposeshe was better looking once upon a time?"
I didn't answer 'im. I shut the wicket arter 'im, quick, and turned thekey, and then I went on with my work. For a long time everything was asquiet as the grave, and then there came just one little pull at thebell. Five minutes arterwards there was another.
I thought it was that woman, but I 'ad to make sure. When it came thethird time I crept up to the gate.
"Halloa!" I ses. "Who is it?"
"Me, darling," ses a voice I reckernized as the potman's. "Your missuswants to come in and sit down."
I could 'ear several people talking, and it seemed to me there was quitea crowd out there, and by and by that bell was going like mad. Thenpeople started kicking the gate, and shouting, but I took no noticeuntil, presently, it left off all of a sudden, and I 'eard a loud voiceasking what it was all about. I suppose there was about fifty of 'em alltelling it at once, and then there was the sound of a fist on the gate.
"Who is it?" I ses.
"Police," ses the voice.
I opened the wicket then and looked out. A couple o' policemen wasstanding by the gate and arf the riff-raff of Wapping behind 'em.
"Wot's all this about?" ses one o' the policemen.
I shook my 'ead. "Ask me another," I ses. "Your missus is causing adisturbance," he ses.
"She's not my missus," I ses; "she's a complete stranger to me."
"And causing a crowd to collect and refusing to go away," ses the otherpoliceman.
"That's your business," I ses. "It's nothing to do with me."
They talked to each other for a moment, and then they spoke to thewoman. I didn't 'ear wot she said, but I saw her shake her 'ead, anda'most direckly arterwards she was marching away between the twopolicemen with the crowd follering and advising 'er where to kick 'em.
I was a bit worried at fust--not about her--and then I began to thinkthat p'raps it was the best thing that could have 'appened.
I went 'ome in the morning with a load lifted off my mind; but I 'adn'tbeen in the 'ouse two seconds afore my missus started to put it on agin.Fust of all she asked me 'ow I dared to come into the 'ouse, and thenshe wanted to know wot I meant by leaving her at 'ome and going out forthe day with another woman.
"You told me to," I ses.
"Oh, yes," she ses, trembling with temper. "You always do wot I tellyou, don't you? Al-ways 'ave, especially when it's anything you like."
She fetched a bucket o' water and scrubbed the kitchen while I washaving my brekfuss, but I kept my eye on 'er, and, the moment she 'adfinished, I did the perlite and emptied the bucket for 'er, to preventmistakes.
I read about the case in the Sunday paper, and I'm thankful to say myname wasn't in it. All the magistrate done was to make 'er promise thatshe wouldn't do it again, and then he let 'er go. I should ha' felt morecomfortable if he 'ad given 'er five years, but, as it turned out, itdidn't matter. Her 'usband happened to read it, and, whether 'e wastired of living alone, or whether he was excited by 'caring that she 'adgot a little general shop, 'e went back to her.
The fust I knew about it was they came round to the wharf to see me. He'ad been a fine-looking chap in 'is day, and even then 'e was enoughlike me for me to see 'ow she 'ad made the mistake; and all the time shewas telling me 'ow it 'appened, he was looking me up and down andsniffing.
"'Ave you got a cold?" I ses, at last.
"Wot's that got to do with you?" he ses. "Wot do you mean by walking outwith my wife? That's what I've come to talk about."
For a moment I thought that his bad luck 'ad turned 'is brain. "You'vegot it wrong," I ses, as soon as I could speak. "She walked out withme."
"Cos she thought you was her 'usband," he ses, "but you didn't think youwas me, did you?"
"'Course I didn't," I ses.
"Then 'ow dare you walk out with 'er?" he ses.
"Look 'ere!" I ses. "You get off 'ome as quick as you like. I've 'adabout enough of your family. Go on, hook it."
Afore I could put my 'ands up he 'it me hard in the mouth, and the nextmoment we was at it as 'ard as we could go. Nearly every time I hit 'imhe wasn't there, and every time 'e hit me I wished I hadn't ha' been.When I said I had 'ad enough, 'e contradicted me and kept on, but he gottired of it at last, and, arter telling me wot he would do if I everwalked 'is wife out agin, they went off like a couple o' love-birds.
By the time I got 'ome next morning my eyes was so swelled up I could'ardly see, and my nose wouldn't let me touch it. I was so done up Icould 'ardly speak, but I managed to tell my missus about it arter I had'ad a cup o' tea. Judging by her face anybody might ha' thought I wastelling 'er something funny, and, when I 'ad finished, she looks up atthe ceiling and ses:
"I 'ope it'll be a lesson to you," she ses.
FAMILY CARES