by W. W. Jacobs
It was nearly high-water, and the night-watchman, who had stepped aboarda lighter lying alongside the wharf to smoke a pipe, sat withhalf-closed eyes enjoying the summer evening. The bustle of the day wasover, the wharves were deserted, and hardly a craft moved on the river.Perfumed clouds of shag, hovering for a time over the lighter, floatedlazily towards the Surrey shore.
"There's one thing about my job," said the night-watchman, slowly, "it'sdone all alone by yourself. There's no foreman a-hollering at you andoffering you a penny for your thoughts, and no mates to run into youfrom behind with a loaded truck and then ask you why you didn't lookwhere you're going to. From six o'clock in the evening to six o'clocknext morning I'm my own master."
He rammed down the tobacco with an experienced forefinger and puffedcontentedly.
People like you 'ud find it lonely (he continued, after a pause); I didat fust. I used to let people come and sit 'ere with me of an eveningtalking, but I got tired of it arter a time, and when one chap felloverboard while 'e was showing me 'ow he put his wife's mother in 'erplace, I gave it up altogether. There was three foot o' mud in the dockat the time, and arter I 'ad got 'im out, he fainted in my arms.
Arter that I kept myself to myself. Say wot you like, a man's bestfriend is 'imself. There's nobody else'll do as much for 'im, or let 'imoff easier when he makes a mistake. If I felt a bit lonely I used toopen the wicket in the gate and sit there watching the road, and p'r'apspass a word or two with the policeman. Then something 'appened one nightthat made me take quite a dislike to it for a time.
I was sitting there with my feet outside, smoking a quiet pipe, when I'eard a bit of a noise in the distance. Then I 'eard people running andshouts of "Stop, thief!" A man came along round the corner full pelt,and, just as I got up, dashed through the wicket and ran on to thewharf. I was arter 'im like a shot and got up to 'im just in time to seehim throw something into the dock. And at the same moment I 'eard theother people run past the gate.
"Wot's up?" I ses, collaring 'im.
"Nothing," he ses, breathing 'ard and struggling. "Let me go."
He was a little wisp of a man, and I shook 'im like a dog shakes a rat.I remembered my own pocket being picked, and I nearly shook the breathout of 'im.
"And now I'm going to give you in charge," I ses, pushing 'im alongtowards the gate.
"Wot for?" he ses, purtending to be surprised.
"Stealing," I ses.
"You've made a mistake," he ses; "you can search me if you like."
"More use to search the dock," I ses. "I see you throw it in. Now youkeep quiet, else you'll get 'urt. If you get five years I shall be allthe more pleased."
I don't know 'ow he did it, but 'e did. He seemed to sink away betweenmy legs, and afore I knew wot was 'appening, I was standing upside downwith all the blood rushing to my 'ead. As I rolled over he boltedthrough the wicket, and was off like a flash of lightning.
A couple o' minutes arterwards the people wot I 'ad 'eard run past cameback agin. There was a big fat policeman with 'em--a man I'd seen aforeon the beat--and, when they 'ad gorn on, he stopped to 'ave a word withme.
"'Ot work," he ses, taking off his 'elmet and wiping his bald 'ead witha large red handkerchief. "I've lost all my puff."
"Been running?" I ses, very perlite.
"Arter a pickpocket," he ses. "He snatched a lady's purse just as shewas stepping aboard the French boat with her 'usband. 'Twelve pounds init in gold, two peppermint lozenges, and a postage stamp.'"
He shook his 'ead, and put his 'elmet on agin.
"Holding it in her little 'and as usual," he ses. "Asking for trouble, Icall it. I believe if a woman 'ad one hand off and only a finger andthumb left on the other, she'd carry 'er purse in it."
He knew a'most as much about wimmen as I do. When 'is fust wife died,she said 'er only wish was that she could take 'im with her, and shemade 'im promise her faithful that 'e'd never marry agin. His secondwife, arter a long illness, passed away while he was playing hymns onthe concertina to her, and 'er mother, arter looking at 'er very hard,went to the doctor and said she wanted an inquest.
He went on talking for a long time, but I was busy doing a bit of 'ead-work and didn't pay much attention to 'im. I was thinking o' twelvepounds, two lozenges, and a postage stamp laying in the mud at thebottom of my dock, and arter a time 'e said 'e see as 'ow I was waitingto get back to my night's rest, and went off--stamping.
I locked the wicket when he 'ad gorn away, and then I went to the edgeof the dock and stood looking down at the spot where the purse 'ad beenchucked in. The tide was on the ebb, but there was still a foot or twoof water atop of the mud. I walked up and down, thinking.
I thought for a long time, and then I made up my mind. If I got thepurse and took it to the police-station, the police would share themoney out between 'em, and tell me they 'ad given it back to the lady.If I found it and put a notice in the newspaper--which would costmoney--very likely a dozen or two ladies would come and see me and sayit was theirs. Then if I gave it to the best-looking one and the one itbelonged to turned up, there'd be trouble. My idea was to keep it--for atime--and then if the lady who lost it came to me and asked me for it Iwould give it to 'er.
Once I had made up my mind to do wot was right I felt quite 'appy, andarter a look up and down, I stepped round to the Bear's Head and 'ad acouple o' goes o' rum to keep the cold out. There was nobody in therebut the landlord, and 'e started at once talking about the thief, and'ow he 'ad run arter him in 'is shirt-sleeves.
"My opinion is," he ses, "that 'e bolted on one of the wharves and 'id'imself. He disappeared like magic. Was that little gate o' yours open?"
"I was on the wharf," I ses, very cold.
"You might ha' been on the wharf and yet not 'ave seen anybody come on,"he ses, nodding.
"Wot d'ye mean?" I ses, very sharp. "Nothing," he ses. "Nothing."
"Are you trying to take my character away?" I ses, fixing 'im with myeye.
"Lo' bless me, no!" he ses, staring at me. "It's no good to me."
He sat down in 'is chair behind the bar and went straight off to sleepwith his eyes screwed up as tight as they would go. Then 'e opened hismouth and snored till the glasses shook. I suppose I've been one of thebest customers he ever 'ad, and that's the way he treated me. For twopins I'd ha' knocked 'is ugly 'ead off, but arter waking him up verysudden by dropping my glass on the floor I went off back to the wharf.
I locked up agin, and 'ad another look at the dock. The water 'ad nearlygone and the mud was showing in patches. My mind went back to asailorman wot had dropped 'is watch over-board two years before, andfound it by walking about in the dock in 'is bare feet. He found it moreeasy because the glass broke when he trod on it.
The evening was a trifle chilly for June, but I've been used to roughingit all my life, especially when I was afloat, and I went into the officeand began to take my clothes off. I took off everything but my pants,and I made sure o' them by making braces for 'em out of a bit of string.Then I turned the gas low, and, arter slipping on my boots, wentoutside.
It was so cold that at fust I thought I'd give up the idea. The longer Istood on the edge looking at the mud the colder it looked, but at last Iturned round and went slowly down the ladder. I waited a moment at thebottom, and was just going to step off when I remembered that I 'ad gotmy boots on, and I 'ad to go up agin and take 'em off.
I went down very slow the next time, and anybody who 'as been down aniron ladder with thin, cold rungs, in their bare feet, will know why,and I had just dipped my left foot in, when the wharf-bell rang.
I 'oped at fust that it was a runaway-ring, but it kept on, and thelonger it kept on, the worse it got. I went up that ladder agin andcalled out that I was coming, and then I went into the office and justslipped on my coat and trousers and went to the gate.
"Wot d'you want?" I ses, opening the wicket three or four inches andlooking out at a man wot was standing there.
"Are you old Bill?" he ses.
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sp; "I'm the watchman," I ses, sharp-like. "Wot d'you want?"
"Don't bite me!" he ses, purtending to draw back. "I ain't done no 'arm.I've come round about that glass you smashed at the Bear's Head."
"Glass!" I ses, 'ardly able to speak.
"Yes, glass," he ses--"thing wot yer drink out of. The landlord saysit'll cost you a tanner, and 'e wants it now in case you pass away inyour sleep. He couldn't come 'imself cos he's got nobody to mind thebar, so 'e sent me. Why! Halloa! Where's your boots? Ain't you afraid o'ketching cold?"
"You clear off," I ses, shouting at him. "D'ye 'ear me? Clear off whileyou're safe, and you tell the landlord that next time 'e insults me I'llsmash every glass in 'is place and then sit 'im on top of 'cm! Tell 'imif 'e wants a tanner out o' me, to come round 'imself, and see wot hegets."
It was a silly thing to say, and I saw it arterwards, but I was in sucha temper I 'ardly knew wot I was saying. I slammed the wicket in 'isface and turned the key and then I took off my clothes and went downthat ladder agin.
It seemed colder than ever, and the mud when I got fairly into it wasworse than I thought it could ha' been. It stuck to me like glue, andevery step I took seemed colder than the one before. 'Owever, when Imake up my mind to do a thing, I do it. I fixed my eyes on the placewhere I thought the purse was, and every time I felt anything under myfoot I reached down and picked it up--and then chucked it away as far asI could so as not to pick it up agin. Dirty job it was, too, and in fiveminutes I was mud up to the neck, a'most. And I 'ad just got to wot Ithought was the right place, and feeling about very careful, when thebell rang agin.
I thought I should ha' gorn out o' my mind. It was just a little tinkleat first, then another tinkle, but, as I stood there all in the dark andcold trying to make up my mind to take no notice of it, it began to ringlike mad. I 'ad to go--I've known men climb over the gate afore now--andI didn't want to be caught in that dock.
The mud seemed stickier than ever, but I got out at last, and, arterscraping some of it off with a bit o' stick, I put on my coat andtrousers and boots just as I was and went to the gate, with the bellgoing its 'ardest all the time.
When I opened the gate and see the landlord of the Bear's Head standingthere I turned quite dizzy, and there was a noise in my ears like theroaring of the sea. I should think I stood there for a couple o' minuteswithout being able to say a word. I could think of 'em.
"Don't be frightened, Bill," ses the landlord. "I'm not going to eatyou."
"He looks as if he's walking in 'is sleep," ses the fat policeman, wotwas standing near by. "Don't startle 'im."
"He always looks like that," ses the landlord.
I stood looking at 'im. I could speak then, but I couldn't think of anywords good enough; not with a policeman standing by with a notebook in'is pocket.
"Wot was you ringing my bell for?" I ses, at last.
"Why didn't you answer it before?" ses the landlord. "D'you think I'vegot nothing better to do than to stand ringing your bell for three-quarters of an hour? Some people would report you."
"I know my dooty," I ses; "there's no craft up to-night, and no reasonfor anybody to come to my bell. If I was to open the gate every time aparcel of overgrown boys rang my bell I should 'ave enough to do."
"Well, I'll overlook it this time, seeing as you're an old man andcouldn't get another sleeping-in job," he ses, looking at the policemanfor him to see 'ow clever 'e was. "Wot about that tanner? That's wotI've come for."
"You be off," I ses, starting to shut the wicket. "You won't get notanner out of me."
"All right," he ses, "I shall stand here and go on ringing the bell tillyou pay up, that's all."
He gave it another tug, and the policeman instead of locking 'im up forit stood there laughing.
I gave 'im the tanner. It was no use standing there arguing over atanner, with a purse of twelve quid waiting for me in the dock, but Itold 'im wot people thought of 'im.
"Arf a second, watchman," ses the policeman, as I started to shut thewicket agin. "You didn't see anything of that pickpocket, did you?"
"I did not," I ses.
"'Cos this gentleman thought he might 'ave come in here," ses thepoliceman.
"'Ow could he 'ave come in here without me knowing it?" I ses, firingup.
"Easy," ses the landlord, "and stole your boots into the bargain!"
"He might 'ave come when your back was turned," ses the policeman, "andif so, he might be 'iding there now. I wonder whether you'd mind mehaving a look round?"
"I tell you he ain't 'ere," I ses, very short, "but, to ease your mind,I'll 'ave a look round myself arter you've gorn."
The policeman shook his 'ead. "Well, o' course, I can't come in withoutyour permission," he ses, with a little cough, "but I 'ave an idea, thatif it was your guv'nor 'ere instead of you he'd ha' been on'y toopleased to do anything 'e could to help the law. I'll beg his pardontomorrow for asking you, in case he might object."
That settled it. That's the police all over, and that's 'ow they gettheir way and do as they like. I could see 'im in my mind's eye talkingto the guv'nor, and letting out little things about broken glasses andsuch-like by accident. I drew back to let 'im pass, and I was so upsetthat when that little rat of a landlord follered 'im I didn't say aword.
I stood and watched them poking and prying about the wharf as if itbelonged to 'em, with the light from the policeman's lantern flashingabout all over the place. I was shivering with cold and temper. The mudwas drying on me.
"If you've finished 'unting for the pickpocket I'll let you out and geton with my work," I ses, drawing myself up.
"Good night," ses the policeman, moving off. "Good night, dear," ses thelandlord. "Mind you tuck yourself up warm."
I lost my temper for the moment and afore I knew wot I was doing I 'adgot hold of him and was shoving 'im towards the gate as 'ard as I couldshove. He pretty near got my coat off in the struggle, and next momentthe police-man 'ad turned his lantern on me and they was both staring atme as if they couldn't believe their eyesight.
"He--he's turning black!" ses the landlord.
"He's turned black!" ses the policeman.
They both stood there looking at me with their mouths open, and thenafore I knew wot he was up to, the policeman came close up to me andscratched my chest with his finger-nail.
"It's mud!" he ses.
"You keep your nails to yourself," I ses. "It's nothing to do with you."and I couldn't 'elp noticing the smell of it. Nobody could. And wot wasworse than all was, that the tide 'ad turned and was creeping over themud in the dock.
They got tired of it at last and came back to where I was and stoodthere shaking their 'eads at me.
"If he was on the wharf 'e must 'ave made his escape while you was inthe Bear's Head," ses the policeman.
"He was in my place a long time," ses the landlord.
"Well, it's no use crying over spilt milk," ses the policeman. "Funnysmell about 'ere, ain't there?" he ses, sniffing, and turning to thelandlord. "Wot is it?"
"I dunno," ses the landlord. "I noticed it while we was talking to 'imat the gate. It seems to foller 'im about."
"I've smelt things I like better," ses the policeman, sniffing agin."It's just like the foreshore when somebody 'as been stirring the mud upa bit."
"Unless it's a case of 'tempted suicide," he ses, looking at me very'ard.
"Ah!" ses the landlord.
"There's no mud on 'is clothes," ses the policeman, looking me over withhis lantern agin.
"He must 'ave gone in naked, but I should like to see 'is legs to make--All right! All right! Keep your 'air on."
"You look arter your own legs, then," I ses, very sharp, "and mind yourown business."
"It is my business," he ses, turning to the landlord. "Was 'e strange inhis manner at all when 'e was in your place to-night?"
"He smashed one o' my best glasses," ses the landlord.
"So he did," ses the policeman. "So he did. I'd forgot that. Do you know'im well?"
/> "Not more than I can 'elp," ses the landlord. "He's been in my place agood bit, but I never knew of any reason why 'e should try and do awaywith 'imself. If he's been disappointed in love, he ain't told meanything about it."
I suppose that couple o' fools 'ud 'ave stood there talking about me allnight if I'd ha' let 'em, but I had about enough of it.
"Look 'ere," I ses, "you're very clever, both of you, but you needn'tworry your 'eads about me. I've just been having a mud-bath, that'sall."
"A mud-bath!" ses both of 'em, squeaking like a couple o' silly parrots.
"For rheumatics," I ses. "I 'ad it some-thing cruel to-night, and Ithought that p'r'aps the mud 'ud do it good. I read about it in thepapers. There's places where you pay pounds and pounds for 'em, but,being a pore man, I 'ad to 'ave mine on the cheap."
The policeman stood there looking at me for a moment, and then 'e beganto laugh till he couldn't stop 'imself.
"Love-a-duck!" he ses, at last, wiping his eyes. "I wish I'd seen it."
"Must ha' looked like a fat mermaid," ses the landlord, wagging hissilly 'ead at me. "I can just see old Bill sitting in the mud a-combinghis 'air and singing."
They 'ad some more talk o' that sort, just to show each other 'ow funnythey was, but they went off at last, and I fastened up the gate and wentinto the office to clean myself up as well as I could. One comfort wasthey 'adn't got the least idea of wot I was arter, and I 'ad a fancythat the one as laughed last would be the one as got that twelve quid.
I was so tired that I slept nearly all day arter I 'ad got 'ome, and I'ad no sooner got back to the wharf in the evening than I see that thelandlord 'ad been busy. If there was one silly fool that asked me thebest way of making mud-pies, I should think there was fifty. Littlethings please little minds, and the silly way some of 'em went on mademe feel sorry for my sects.
By eight o'clock, 'owever, they 'ad all sheered off, and I got a broomand began to sweep up to 'elp pass the time away until low-water. On'yone craft 'ad come up that day--a ketch called the Peewit--and as shewas berthed at the end of the jetty she wasn't in my way at all.
Her skipper came on to the wharf just afore ten. Fat, silly old man 'ewas, named Fogg. Always talking about 'is 'ealth and taking medicine todo it good. He came up to me slow like, and, when 'e stopped and askedme about the rheumatics, the broom shook in my 'and.
"Look here," I ses, "if you want to be funny, go and be funny with themas likes it. I'm fair sick of it, so I give you warning."
"Funny?" he ses, staring at me with eyes like a cow. "Wot d'ye mean?There's nothing funny about rheumatics; I ought to know; I'm a martyr toit. Did you find as 'ow the mud did you any good?"
I looked at 'im hard, but 'e stood there looking at me with his fatbaby- face, and I knew he didn't mean any harm; so I answered 'imperlite and wished 'im good night.
"I've 'ad pretty near everything a man can have," he ses, casting anchoron a empty box, "but I think the rheumatics was about the worst of 'emall. I even tried bees for it once."
"Bees!" I ses. "Bees!"
"Bee-stings," he ses. "A man told me that if I could on'y persuade a fewbees to sting me, that 'ud cure me. I don't know what 'e meant bypersuading! they didn't want no persuading. I took off my coat and shirtand went and rocked one of my neighbour's bee-hives next door, and Ithought my last hour 'ad come."
He sat on that box and shivered at the memory of it.
"Now I take Dr. Pepper's pellets instead," he ses. "I've got a box in mystate-room, and if you'd like to try 'em you're welcome."
He sat there talking about the complaints he had 'ad and wot he 'ad donefor them till I thought I should never have got rid of 'im. He got up atlast, though, and, arter telling me to always wear flannel next to myskin, climbed aboard and went below.
I knew the hands was aboard, and arter watching 'is cabin-skylight untilthe light was out, I went and undressed. Then I crept back on to thejetty, and arter listening by the Peewit to make sure that they was allasleep, I went back and climbed down the ladder.
It was colder than ever. The cold seemed to get into my bones, but Imade up my mind to 'ave that twelve quid if I died for it. I trod roundand round the place where I 'ad seen that purse chucked in until I wastired, and the rubbish I picked up by mistake you wouldn't believe.
I suppose I 'ad been in there arf an hour, and I was standing up with myteeth clenched to keep them from chattering, when I 'appened to lookround and see something like a white ball coming down the ladder. My'art seemed to stand still for a moment, and then it began to beat asthough it would burst. The white thing came down lower and lower, andthen all of a sudden it stood in the mud and said, "Ow!"
"Who is it?" I ses. "Who are you?" "Halloa, Bill!" it ses. "Ain't itperishing cold?"
It was the voice o' Cap'n Fogg, and if ever I wanted to kill a fellow-creetur, I wanted to then.
"'Ave you been in long, Bill?" he ses. "About ten minutes," I ses,grinding my teeth.
"Is it doing you good?" he ses.
I didn't answer 'im.
"I was just going off to sleep," he ses, "when I felt a sort of hot painin my left knee. O' course, I knew what it meant at once, and instead o'taking some of the pellets I thought I'd try your remedy instead. It's abit nippy, but I don't mind that if it does me good."
He laughed a silly sort o' laugh, and then I'm blest if 'e didn't sitdown in that mud and waller in it. Then he'd get up and come for'ard twoor three steps and sit down agin.
"Ain't you sitting down, Bill?" he ses, arter a time.
"No," I ses, "I'm not."
"I don't think you can expect to get the full benefit unless you do," heses, coming up close to me and sitting down agin. "It's a bit of a shockat fust, but Halloa!"
"Wot's up?" I ses.
"Sitting on something hard," he ses. "I wish people 'ud be morecareful."
He took a list to port and felt under the star-board side. Then hebrought his 'and up and tried to wipe the mud off and see wot he 'adgot.
"Wot is it?" I ses, with a nasty sinking sort o' feeling inside me.
"I don't know," he ses, going on wiping. "It's soft outside and 'ardinside. It----"
"Let's 'ave a look at it," I ses, holding out my 'and.
"It's nothing," he ses, in a queer voice, getting up and steering forthe ladder. "Bit of oyster-shell, I think."
He was up that ladder hand over fist, with me close behind 'im, and assoon as he 'ad got on to the wharf started to run to 'is ship.
"Good night, Bill," he ses, over 'is shoulder.
"Arf a moment." I ses, follering 'im.
"I must get aboard," he ses; "I believe I've got a chill," and afore Icould stop 'im he 'ad jumped on and run down to 'is cabin.
I stood on the jetty for a minute or two, trembling all over with coldand temper. Then I saw he 'ad got a light in 'is cabin, and I creptaboard and peeped down the skylight. And I just 'ad time to see somesovereigns on the table, when he looked up and blew out the light.
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