Jav applied it and got his fingertips up against that little knob of nerves. “There?”
Stef’s knees fell open and his hand reached to touch Jav’s head. “Stop talking.”
Jav pulled him into his mouth and pushed his fingers in. His own cock was up high in his lap, dripping with jealous curiosity, wanting in on the action. As he slid in and out of Stef, and Stef slid in and out of him, his own butt was clenching and flexing and imagining.
This is interesting. I think I want to check this out.
When Stef came, it was with his entire body. Every cell, every hair standing up straight and pounding its chest. His voice turned inside-out until it was nothing but a hoarse, stuttered moan above the bed. As a salty-sweet rush flooded Jav’s mouth, he could feel the veins pulse, both against his tongue and around his finger. Stef went on coming, twitching and trembling and gasping wetly through his teeth. Laughed curses and his hands raked tight in his hair.
He came, it seemed to Jav, forever.
“Jesus Christ, it feels so fucking good,” he said, his legs finally going limp.
Oh yeah, Jav thought, transfixed and staring. I definitely want to check this out.
Come Here, You Moron
“Come to bed?” Jav said.
“I gotta finish this report. Half an hour, okay?”
Jav nodded. “And maybe…” He rolled one hand in the air in an ambiguous gesture.
“Is that a take a walk on the wild side…?” Stef mimicked the gesture.
“Maybe.”
“Cool.” Stef messed up Jav’s hair and sat down at the desk.
Jav went into the kitchen and then came out, crossed his arms and dug a shoulder into the doorframe. “I’m gonna ask you something dumb.”
“Hit me.”
“Don’t laugh. In fact, don’t even look at me. Look at your computer. Work and listen.”
Stef turned away in his chair. “I’m looking and I’m working. The laughing part of my brain isn’t listening to you.”
“Is there anything I need to do?”
“Do?”
“I mean to get ready.”
Stef started to look back “I’ll—”
“Don’t look at me.”
“I’ll get you ready,” Stef said to his bulletin board.
“That’s not what I mean.”
Three beats of confused silence before clarity smacked Stef between the eyebrows.
“Oh,” he said. “No. No, there’s nothing you need to do. Not for me. No.”
“All right. I just…”
Stef picked up a pencil and bent over a pad of paper, pretending to write. “If you’re self-conscious and it makes you feel better, help yourself to the stuff under the sink. Or even a soapy finger up your butt once or twice is fine.”
“Okay.”
“Can I look at you please?”
“No.”
Stef pushed back and spun in his chair. “Fucker, I can’t not look at you.” He stood up. “Come here, you moron. ” He walked over to Jav and wound arms around his waist. “Look at me.”
“No,” Jav said, the color high along his cheekbones and his smile curling up shy and dorky. Such raw and vulnerable uncertainty in this gorgeous guy who used to get paid to fuck, made Stef want to die. The sheer, incredulous luck of it all made the marrow of his bones feel like it would explode.
“You are ridiculous,” Stef said, hugging him.
“I’m new at this,” Jav said.
“And I’m new at being with someone who’s new at this so we’re both new at this. And I don’t care if it takes a year for you to get okay with…this. I don’t care what we do or don’t do in bed. Just don’t ask me not to look at you. I’m not okay with that.”
Jav glanced at him, then flicked his eyes away. “All right, you can look at me.”
Stef kissed his face. “Gee, thanks.”
“I’m gonna jump in the shower and think about things.”
“I will be working. Here. And not thinking about anything.”
Stef sat down carefully, adjusting the half-chubber in his jeans. Behind him he heard the bathroom door close. Then open.
“Wait,” Jav said. “Is it one soapy finger up twice, or two soapy fingers up once?”
“Javier.”
“Sorry.” The door closed.
Stef closed his eyes and thought about everything.
A little while later, Jav came out, fresh and wet-haired, old sweats and a T-shirt. He leaned and put his chin on Stef’s shoulder.
“May I help you?” Stef said.
“Go back to the I’ll get you ready thing?”
Stef half turned his head and whispered, “When you’re ready, I’ll get you ready.”
“That’s hot.”
“You wait…”
The kiss was interrupted by Stef’s cell phone ringing. Ronnie Danvers’ number on the display. Calling at nine o’clock at night, which was never a good thing.
Oh, Christ, it’s Geno, he thought.
Into the Softness
Chaow, the Thai teenager at Exodus Project, had a bigger role in earlier drafts. In fact he was in the basement with Geno and Carlos. But he pulled the story in too many directions so ultimately his part was reduced. He brought me soup and forgave. —SLQR
“He wants you,” Ronnie said on the phone. “Can you come?”
Stef squeezed his eyes tight, his sexy plans with Jav falling in pieces on the floor. Chaow was dead. Geno went down to the kitchen for a snack and found Chaow dead, his wrists slit. Now he was upset, triggered and distraught. And he wanted Stef.
“I have to go,” Stef said.
“Of course,” Jav said, pale above his tightly-crossed arms. “He needs you.”
“I’m sorry,” Stef said, shrugging on his jacket.
“Don’t be. This is more important.”
Stef managed a curt nod. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be here.”
From the door, Stef looked back over his shoulder. “Promise?”
Jav slid arms around him from behind and squeezed him tight through one shared inhale and exhale. “I won’t go anywhere. I’ll walk the dog, that’s it. Call me if you need anything.”
It was after midnight when Stef got home. Jav was reading on the couch.
“You didn’t have to wait up,” Stef said, setting his keys down on the counter.
“I promised.” He walked over to Stef but didn’t touch him. The dishwasher swished and splashed as they looked at each other.
“You all right?” Jav finally asked.
“Remember I said I’d tell you when it was one of those nights I needed to be fucked back to myself?”
Jav nodded.
“It’s not one of those nights.”
“Do you want me to go?”
“Yeah, I need you to go,” Stef said. “I need to be by myself.”
Still nodding, Jav took a small step back. Stef followed and put a hand on his arm.
“Remember I also said I’d act like I don’t want you around but I do?”
“Mm.”
“That’s what’s happening right now.”
“I know.” Jav took Stef’s gloves off and unzipped his jacket. Slung it aside and folded Stef into his arms. “I won’t talk, I won’t ask you questions. I’ll get in your face or I’ll stay out of your way. I’ll hold you all night or I’ll sleep on the couch. I’ll do whatever you want. But I won’t leave.”
“I just need to get it off me,” Stef said against his shoulder.
Jav stripped him down right there in the living room, then took him into the shower. Stef stayed behind closed eyes, turning into the spray and lifting limbs one at a time to be scrubbed.
“Just let me be a few minutes,” he said when they were in bed.
“Do whatever you have to do.”
Stef rolled away from him, curled on his side around a coup
le of pillows. Breathing through his mouth into the softness. Letting a mist of tears squeeze out until the fabric was damp with his failure and sadness and anger.
Behind him, he could feel Jav’s deep, even breathing. Like the slow bellows of a forge. Warm and close. Watchful, but at a distance.
After a long, tired time, Stef rolled over and slid close to his lover. He kept his arms crossed tight over his chest, just resting his forehead against the side of Jav’s arm.
“Warm enough?” Jav said softly.
“Mm. Thanks for staying.”
“I wouldn’t leave. Not tonight.”
“You know you’re my best friend.”
A hand stroked his hair. “I do now.”
Stef pressed his mouth against Jav’s shoulder and sighed. “Sorry we didn’t get to mess around.”
Jav gave him a little shove, his smile flashing in the dark. “It’s not important.”
“It is. You’re as important to me as my job.”
They lay still a few minutes.
“So I was thinking,” Jav said.
“Mm?”
“I’m going to go get blood drawn tomorrow. You know. Get tested.”
“All right. I will too. I’m overdue for a physical anyway.”
“It’s time. I mean, since we seem to be heading down that road.”
“Are you worried?”
“About the road or my test results?”
“Both.”
“No. Are you?”
“No. But since we’re having this conversation… Even if results are negative, I’ll still want to use condoms. No matter who’s topping. I don’t know, it just puts my mind at ease.”
“I get it. I imagine the less on your mind, the more enjoyable it is.”
“Exactly.”
“Cool.”
A long beat of silence. “I love you,” Jav said, just as Stef said, “I love you.”
Stef took his extra pillow and smashed it on Jav’s face.
“Get out of my head, Finch,” Jav said, knocking it away and laughing.
“Glad we had this little chat.”
Jav gently ran his palm from Stef’s forehead down the bridge of his nose, smoothing his eyelids shut. “Ve a dormir, pinzon.”
Blood
I was bummed to see this scene go from Finches. I wrote it with one hand tied behind my back and I loved how it fleshed out the family Jav constructed to replace the one he lost. But in the end, in the interest of pacing and word count, it was cut.
Hey, what’s that moan of regret about? —SLQR
Jav had been going to the same Open Door clinic on 165th Street for over twenty years. Full STD screening every three months. Yearly physical. Flu shot. A typhoid vaccination when a client hired him for a trip to Costa Rica.
He appreciated both the sliding pay scale and the anonymity when he was in his twenties. The nurses were impartial and businesslike. Nothing shocked them. Maybe their eyes softened as they took note of his age, but they didn’t judge as they drew blood and delivered his results which were, knock wood, always clean. In fact, knock more wood, other than common colds, occasional bugs and chronic neck strain from writing, Jav had rudely good health and he took care to keep it that way.
As he matured, so did his relationship with the practitioners, some of whom grew older right along with him. As years went by and pictures were pinned and repinned on the clinic’s bulletin board, Jav asked after spouses and babies, sympathized when staff broke up with a lover or lost a parent. By the time he reached his thirties, he could’ve found a doctor in a more upscale medical practice, but he kept going to Open Door. They were his family.
Soleil Dalcide had been at the clinic at least twelve years. Gossip was her hobby and when her Haitian accent wasn’t filling Jav’s ears with juicy intrigue, it was nagging him to the point where it was almost flirtatious. But when he came in today, she burst into tears.
“Oh Jav, thank God,” she said, putting a hand on his arm.
“What’s the matter?”
“What’s the matter?” she cried. “You’re in here every twelve weeks like clockwork. You were due in August and you didn’t show up, I thought…”
Jav blanched. “No, no, no, I’m fine.”
“I thought you were dead.”
“Oh my God, don’t cry. I’m sorry.”
She slapped his arm, then caressed it again. “I was so worried.”
“I’m sorry. No, I’m fine. Don’t cry.”
“I know I shouldn’t get attached. But I’ve known you so long now.”
“I’m sorry. I’m fine. I’m here.” Handing her a tissue, he felt like shit. Touched as hell. But still shitty. “I retired,” he said. “I’m not working anymore.”
“You’re not?” she said, wiping her eyes.
“I’m out of the business. I’m here because I met someone.”
“Oh, Javi,” she said, blowing her nose. “How wonderful. Who is she?”
Jav worked at a scuff on the floor with the toe of his sneaker before looking back up at her. “He.”
“He?” Her eyebrows went up a moment, then drew down in a hard, business-like stare. “Oh, Javier,” she said. “We have to talk then.”
“We do?” he said, as he was dragged into an exam room. Not by the ear, but it sure as hell felt like it.
“You need to be careful,” Soleil said, an index finger raised.
“When have I never been careful?”
“You must use condoms.”
Jav turned his fingertips to touch his chest. “Sol, this is me. Jav. Former hustler. We’ve met, remember?”
The finger wagged menacingly. “Condoms every single time, Javier. Do you top or bottom?”
He crossed his arms. “Well, that’s a little personal.”
“You can contract HIV giving or receiving.”
“I know.”
“And lubricant. I cannot stress enough. You can easily damage the anal tissue which makes it more susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases.”
“You’re actually embarrassing me,” Jav said.
“Make sure it is water-based. Oil-based can damage the condoms.” She turned to the cabinets, flung them open and began rifling within. “KY is best. I’ll give you some before you leave.”
Jav’s face swelled with stifled laughter as he pushed his tongue into his cheek. “Thank you.”
“Roll up your sleeve.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Do you know the signs of herpes?” She stretched her fingers into a new latex glove in a way that turned Jav’s pucker factor to eleven.
“I’ll Google them.”
Too late, she was already gathering pamphlets from the rack by the door and piling them next to his leg. “How many partners has your boyfriend had?”
“I haven’t asked for a headcount.”
“Has he been tested?”
“No. I mean, yes,” he added when she glared at him. “Yes, in his lifetime but no, not since he and I have been dating. Which hasn’t been long. And technically we haven’t done…it.”
“Have you had mouth-to-genital contact?”
I am forty-five years old, he thought, squirming like an eighth grader in health class while memories of said contact made his face flame. “Well…”
“You’ve done it. Make a fist.” Soleil tied the piece of rubber tubing around Jav’s bicep and started tapping the crook of his elbow, looking for a vein. “And speaking of fists, you—”
“Whoa,” Jav barked. “Do not go there.”
Now her mouth twisted around a giggle. “You must be careful,” she said, more kindly now.
“I will be.”
“You’re really not working anymore?”
“No.”
Now she sighed. Jav eyed her sideways.
“What’s that moan of regret about?” he asked.
She swabbed him with the alcohol. “I was going to hire yo
u for a date when I turned fifty.”
“Fifty?” Jav said. “I’ll be eighty-two.”
She blushed, then jabbed him with the needle. “Oh, I should discuss prostatitis symptoms with you as well.”
“Please don’t.”
Water Play
“I’m telling you,” Jav said, “I feel violated.”
Stef was reading over the herpes brochure. “Soleil obviously loves you.”
“She bruised me.” Jav regarded the crook of his elbow, looking like he’d just bitten into a lemon.
“Poor baby.”
“I walked out of there knowing way more about anal elasticity than I needed to.”
“As if you weren’t already a font of useless information.”
Opening a beer, Jav went on complaining in an exaggerated Haitian accent. “Have you done it, Javier? Do you top or bottom? Have you had mouth-to-genital contact, Javier? Don’t share your sex toys, Javier.”
He slammed the fridge door, muttering in Spanish now. Stef caught “maldita madre,” one of Jav’s frequent expressions. A lot of his curses involved mothers. Stef wasn’t sure if that was a Queens thing, a Latino thing or a Jav-has-unresolved-mommy-issues thing.
Stef put aside the brochures and poked into the white paper bag and its generous assortment of lube samples. “This is a rather charming side of you, Landes.”
“Thank you. I save it for the special people in my life.”
Stef rubbed a bit of the new Astroglide X between his thumb and index finger. His eyebrows went up as he checked the tube’s fine print: Great for water play!
“Nice,” he said.
“What?”
“Nice,” Stef said louder. “I made the grade.” He put all the goodies back in the bag and rolled the top down. Settling back on the couch, hands behind his head and feet on the coffee table, he regarded Jav who was now standing by the French doors. Outside it was pouring rain, grey and miserable. Jav’s rust-colored thermal shirt was a splash of paint against the gloom. It fit tight in some places, leaving no doubt, and draped in other places, making Stef imagine things.
Like water play.
And leaving a testimonial on Astroglide’s website: Works great in the rain, highly recommend.
“What’s so funny?” Jav said.
Tales From Cushman Row Page 5