Don’t fear God, fear Karma.
God forgives, Karma doesn’t.
****
Obsessively Yours - Epilogue
I watched avidly from the warmth of my car as he stormed out of her house and flew down the path to disappear out of sight. Joey Madden, the one and only fuck boy of Hollywood. He couldn’t run and hide from me forever no matter what he liked to tell himself. He’d never be safe, never be free of the wrath I would unload on him. He was the devil in a designer suit and I had to put him down for all of our sakes. He’d crossed my path one too many times and now it was my turn to have all the fun. He was going to play my games now, by my rules.
She’d had a lucky escape, his girl. A man like him didn’t deserve to get a second chance. I hadn’t been given a second chance so why should he? He needed to learn that men like him were the vermin of our society. He had to learn that his vile actions had consequences, big, BIG consequences.
Where Joey Madden was concerned I was his judge, jury and fucking executioner.
I was counting down the days now until we came face to face again. I couldn’t wait, the anticipation fuelled my days and scorched my nights. Then he’d know what he had done to me, to all of us. He’d feel my pain in every torturous second that I had him under my power, until I took him out permanently and saved us all from his evil.
His death would not be quick, it would be slow, painful. He was nothing and soon there would be nothing of Joey Madden left. I doubt anyone would mourn him, certainly not her. He was no loss to the world. He was vermin, a pest, something that needed taking care of and there was no better person to do that than me.
Get ready for me Joey, I’m coming for you!
1
Life after Joe, could only be described as hell, a lonely desolate hell. I felt hurt, wronged and totally lost. The shame from his past seemed to have seeped through to my life, tainting me, making my question my own judgement. Was I really so blind that I couldn’t see through him, to the liar and cheat that lurked behind that beautiful facade? I felt beyond broken.
In those early days I found enjoyment in nothing, and no one could help me out of the pit of despair I was stuck in. They tried, but it was as if I didn’t want to feel better, I didn’t want anyone’s help. In some way I felt I had to go through the pain on my own, an atonement for being so naive. I had to own my misery. Isn’t it crazy how someone can take over your whole life in such a small space of time? Now, here I was, left lying on the ground, broken and dazed from what had happened.
That first day when he left after our momentous argument and the whole ‘homewrecker’ nightmare I felt numb. It was as if the whole thing was happening to someone else and I was just watching it all from afar. My brain and heart couldn’t quite comprehend what was going on. It didn’t feel real, none of it did. My Joe wasn’t mine anymore he had belonged to so many others. How could I ever come to terms with something like that? Yes I cried buckets that night, but the reality of what life without him would be like hadn’t really set in. That came soon enough though, hitting me like a ten tonne truck.
Soon I was seeing him in everything I did or said. Every second of the day I missed him, missed the feel of him, the smell of him, his warm arms and strong body cuddling me giving me strength and courage. I’d never felt like that when I left Adam. Looking back now, when I made my escape from Adam I felt relief, lighter and almost carefree. I hadn’t realised at the time, but the unknown I had feared when I walked away from Adam had turned out to be my saviour. I was able to find myself again and build on my weakened self-confidence. Losing Joe crushed me mentally and physically. His betrayal felt so much worse because he had meant so much more to me.
The worst part by far was the constant ache I felt in my chest. It was as if my heart was actually breaking for real it hurt that badly. I understood what they meant now, when they said people could die of a broken heart. It felt like I was dying of a broken heart, shattered beyond repair. I’d never felt pain like it, certainly not with Adam or anyone else. It was indescribable pain and pain I felt I had to suffer alone. How could anyone understand what Joe had meant to me? How much he gave back to me after I’d lost so much of myself after Adam. He’d been my life line, my rock and my everything. The other half of me, and now he was gone.
Robyn and Chris were my self-elected guardian angels that first week post Joe. They would take it in turns to lie with me in my bed and try to help me get some sleep, a futile exercise with the thoughts that plagued me constantly. Sometimes I would drift off into disturbed, harrowing dreams marred by a certain handsome stubbled face and tanned muscles entwined with any number of different faceless women. They all looked like evil bitches from hell out to destroy my life by flaunting their perfection and the hold they had over my lost, fallen, dark angel.
Sometimes in those first few days I’d wake to find a drink and snack left for me on my bedside table to help keep my strength up, but they often went untouched. My appetite was none existent then. How could I eat and drink when I felt like my life was over? I was giving up. I couldn’t even bring myself to get up, showered and dressed. I wanted to hide away in my protective bubble in Robyn’s house forever.
Robyn came into my bedroom on the first morning that I was due back to work, but unlike previous times when she would have thrown back my curtains and duvet and forced me out of my pit she didn’t. Instead she lay down next to me and held me tight. The usually feisty red head had parked her bossy nature at the door and come in to my room full of empathy and understanding. In some way that made me feel worse. A sassy domineering Robyn I was used to, but this milder more empathetic version put me on edge. Was I really such a lost cause? Was my life really so tragic? I didn’t want an answer to those questions so I sunk down deeper into my bed covers for refuge.
“I’ll call you in sick Hun.” She whispered delicately as she stroked my hair, “I’ll tell them you won’t be in all week. You need the time for you right now. Work will still be there when you’re feeling better and more able to cope.”
I didn’t answer, I didn’t need to. My inability to even get up or get dressed said enough. I must have looked a fright but I was beyond caring.
“Chris is popping in after work. He said he’d bring a take away to cheer you up. What do you fancy?”
“I can’t eat.” I croaked. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay, we don’t expect anything from you Elle. You do have to eat though, even if it’s just a piece of toast. Please Elle, do it for us.” I nodded half-heartedly, but my only goal for the day was to hide away and wallow in my misery.
“I’ll tell Chris it’s a film night. Maybe some hunky actor can cheer you up, or a comedy? We could watch that new chick flick we were going to see at the cinema the other month, I think it’s on net flicks now.”
“Whatever.” I sighed. I wasn’t being ungrateful really, I was thankful every minute of every day that I had friends as fabulous as Chris and Robyn, but right now I couldn’t concentrate on a TV advert let alone a film. I knew they meant well though. I would make the effort tonight to appear thankful and drag myself out of my bed to the living room to spend time with them. After all, they were all I had now apart from my Nanna Jean and she was miles away. I missed my Nanna and her warm cuddles and bowls of comforting tomato soup. She had a knack for making me feel safe whatever had happened. However, a trip to Nanna right now would only result in a million and one questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
Robyn reluctantly stood from the bed, “I’ve gotta go to work Elle, do you want me to call someone to sit with you?”
“No I’ll be fine honestly, I’ll probably just sleep anyway.” I said to
make her feel better even though I knew I wouldn’t sleep or if I did it would be an uneasy one. I didn’t want anyone else in the house, I wanted to be alone.
“Okay as long as you’re sure. You have my work number so ring me for anything, absolutely anything okay. I can leave early and come home if you need me.”
“Thanks Robyn you’re the best.” I turned and gave her the best smile I could muster.
She smiled back her eyes full of sorrow for me, then left the room to get herself ready. About twenty minutes later I heard the front door close and I was alone at last. I lay back thinking about the last few days, still trying to process the whole seedy situation and still failing to comprehend how it had all gone so wrong.
So Joe had slept with most of the women in L.A, not to mention been cited in numerous divorce proceedings and paternity lawsuits. And all of this was catalogued in glorious technicolour for me to discover on the internet. I doubted I’d ever get those images and videos out of my mind. They made my stomach turn, I wanted to throw up every time I thought about him, my Joe with those women. Some of them not even attractive, and others a hell of a lot older than he was back then.
What the hell was he thinking? He was intelligent, was that the only way he could make money back then? Surely not! Couldn’t he have stuck to the standard personal training like most men instead of turning it into some seedy escort service? I was so angry with him for being so stupid. For behaving in such a depraved way with no regard for himself or the families he destroyed. For chasing me relentlessly even though he knew how I’d suffered at the hands of my narcissistic ex Adam. And for not telling me the truth, letting me find out through my friend’s internet search. I was mortified. No doubt Colin at the office had seen it too, it was his idea to search ‘Joey’ after all. I felt dirty by association.
Suddenly I couldn’t help my morbid curiosity, so I got up and carefully crept downstairs. I lifted the laptop open and nervously clicked onto google. My search for Joey Madden, Joey M, homewrecker and a variety of other terms that could show me more information yielded nothing. Joe was right when he said his lawyers would kill any websites, there was nothing there, not even a hint of a scandal.
I found myself daydreaming then, wondering what he was doing at that moment. Had he gone into work? Was he over me already? Had he moved onto someone new? I picked up my mobile and scrolled through my contact list until I found his name, my finger hovering over the call button. I wanted to be with him right now. We were supposed to have enjoyed a weekend away together, but instead we had been thrown into a nightmare. I wished to God I’d never seen the damn website. But I couldn’t call him, I had seen the pictures, the videos and I couldn’t un-see them, they were vile.
So instead of calling him I flicked through the images on my phone of the few pictures I had of him, and listened to Maroon 5’s ‘Girls Like You’ on repeat as I cried into a cushion. I was a pitiful, sorry mess.
Later that night as we sat watching some God awful chick flick with zero laughs and cringe worthy acting my phone rang. My heart flipped as I grabbed it to look at the display and it fell a little as I saw Max’s name flash up at me. Who are you kidding Ella, you wouldn’t pick up even if it was Joe calling! I thought as I clicked the answer button.
“Hey Max how are you?”
“I’m okay Ella, I’m ringing to see how you are, and don’t tell me you’re okay because I won’t believe you.”
I used this opportunity to stand up and escape the living room, my bedroom was a much more peaceful place to talk and I wouldn’t have to endure another minute of the mundane film that was sending me to sleep.
“It’s all just shit Max, what can I say. I’ve had my heart broken and I feel like complete crap.”
I heard him sigh down the line, “Have you been out today?”
“No, Robyn rang me in sick at work. She’s told them I won’t be in all week.”
“Hmm Joe didn’t show either.”
“How is he?” I asked with trepidation.
“He’s awful. Ella he’s not taking any of this well at all.”
“Neither am I Max.”
“I know but… he’s drinking really heavily. It’s not like him, he’s normally so calm. He hates not being in control of his actions… right now he’s all over the place.”
“It’s no walk in the park for me either you know, I had to see those pictures, watch those videos. It makes me feel sick to think about what he’s done. Those images keep playing over and over again in my mind. It makes me feel sick.”
“I’m not trying to make out his grief is worse than yours Ella, I totally get how devastating it’s been for you. I just want you to know how sorry he is for everything. He’s not out clubbing and enjoying himself, he’s just as miserable as you are.” A prickle of satisfaction ran down my spine at hearing this.
“I know Max, and thank you for ringing me, it really does mean a lot.”
“I’m gutted about all this too Ella, you made Joe so happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen him and as his best friend I loved the two of you together. I’ve seen him at his worst, when he was at rock bottom. With you he was always on a high.”
Hearing that didn’t make me feel any better, it made me feel worse, as if I was now responsible for making him unhappy. I could understand where Max was coming from but I wasn’t in the wrong here. I hadn’t wanted to leave him, I had no choice.
“Maybe in the future, with the next girl, he’ll learn from his mistakes and not lie to her.”
“There won’t be any other girls as far as he’s concerned. He won’t give up on you Ella, he’s determined to win you back.”
I felt a mixture of hope and fear at hearing this. “I can’t see him right now. I don’t even know what I’d say to him.”
“Listen, I was wondering if it was okay can I pop over to see you in a couple of days? Just me, I wouldn’t tell Joe because I know he’d gate crash. It would make me feel better to see how you’re doing though.”
I smiled fondly at his thoughtfulness. Max was a good guy, the best. If anyone else asked me this I would be wary thinking they were trying to take advantage of me, but I knew for certain that Max was doing exactly what he said and just coming to check I was okay.
“I would love that, bring wine with you and Robyn will love you forever.”
He laughed and said, “Shall I bring two bottles, one for Robyn and one for you?”
“Well if you insist!” I chuckled. “Maybe a couple of beers for yourself so you can join us because you know a girl can’t drink alone.”
“Damn straight!” He replied, “Wednesday night okay?”
“Perfect, we’ll look forward to it.”
“Before I go do you want me to pass any message onto Joe? I haven’t told him I was ringing you by the way.” I sighed, the slight elation I had felt at a night with Max and Robyn mixed with copious amounts of alcohol, suddenly disappeared as fast as it came.
“I don’t know. Just tell him… no don’t say anything. I still need time to get my head around all this before I think about my next move.”
“You don’t know how happy I am to hear you say that.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, baffled by his response.
“Well you could have given me a ‘fuck off’ message or said you’re not interested, but the fact you’re thinking about your next move tells me there’s hope for you two yet.”
“Don’t hold your breath Max.” I said as I rolled my eyes.
“And remember I said never say never. You can get over this and come out the other end stronger Ella, stronger as a couple.”
“We’ll see. See you Wednesday Max.”
Tuesday I managed to shower and blow dry my hair. A real achievement seeing as I still had zero energy and no wish to venture out into the big wide world any time soon. I still had the unbearable ache in my chest. I wondered how long that would take to ease up. Would it ever ease up or was this my normal now?
I went downstairs to
root through the cupboards and find something that might spark an appetite in me. I heard my mobile ringing in the living room and I ignored it as I found a chocolate bar in the fridge and decided the sugar fix might help raise my serotonin levels slightly. My mobile rang off and started again. I walked over to the coffee table where it was and saw Joe’s name flashing on the display. Instantly I went cold. Why was he ringing me? I couldn’t speak to him, what was he thinking? I stared at the mobile as if it might jump up at any moment and bite me. I couldn’t even pluck up the courage to reach down and end the incoming call. I was paralysed seeing his name flash back at me, so God knows what hearing his voice would do.
Thirty two missed calls later I decided to turn my phone off. Max was right when he said he wouldn’t give up on me. Then a terrifying thought sprung into my mind and sent me into a spiral of panic. What if he comes round here? He might start knocking on my door and causing a scene for all the neighbours to witness. I couldn’t handle that right now, but it was definitely something Joe would do. Judging by the number of calls he’d made he was in that frame of mind. I turned my phone back on and called Max’s number right away.
“Hey Ella, you okay?”
“No Max, Joe won’t stop calling my mobile and I’m scared. I can’t have him turning up here. Will you talk to him?”
Max sighed “Of course I will, leave it with me and I’ll see if I can track him down.”
“Isn’t he at home?”
“He could be anywhere Ella, he’s all over the place right now. I found him asleep in the stairwell last night.”
“Oh God, I’m so sorry Max.”
“It’s not your fault. I’ll try the local bars and pubs first, then take it from there.”
Just then I remembered the location app Joe had installed on my phone all those weeks ago. “I might know where he is Max, if I find out I’ll text you the details okay?”
“Thanks Ella. Take care.”
I ended the call and scrolled across to find the app. Once I opened it the map zoomed into action showing me Joe’s name and a little pin that attached itself to a street not far from Joe’s apartment. He was in an Irish pub that was run down, dirty and usually full of drunken old men. It was not Joe’s kind of place at all, but that’s what the app told me so I text the pub name and address to Max. Sure enough within fifteen minutes the calls stopped and Max text me back to say ‘Sorted and sobering him up with coffee, lots and lots of coffee.’
Exclusively Yours (Joe & Ella Book 2) Page 1