That’s what it was. Guilt, revenge, hatred, longing for a long-lost love—all those things weren’t pulling at the lines around his eyes anymore.
“It looks good on you,” I said, smiling.
“And you?” he asked.
I nodded and tried to swallow.
Regan pulled me in for a hug, and I settled against his chest. I let him put his arms around me, and with alarming clarity, I realized that what I had been missing was him.
“You know, you can’t always get what you want,” he said, quoting his favorite band, The Rolling Stones. “But if you try sometimes, you just might find—”
“You get what you need,” I said, finishing for him.
Regan sighed, holding me tighter, resting his chin on the top of my head. “I was gonna say you get who you need.”
“So, shopping, eh?” Regan had just finished his workout, and I couldn’t ignore the shirt clinging to his damp skin. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come along? There are great shops only five minutes from here. You don’t have to go all the way into that stinking city.”
I tried to remain casual as the slip of paper I’d taken from behind the bread box burned a hole in my pocket and made me a liar. “I like that stinkin’ city. Besides, Louisa needs new clothes for school in the fall, and there are a few lingerie shops I want to check out. You know, girl stuff. And I kind of want to have a day to myself.”
Regan wasn’t buying it. He knew me too well.
“You’re not the lingerie type, Lees. I’ve seen that excuse of a bra you insist on wearing. Unless you’re going there because there’s someone—”
I cut him off quickly. “Ha. Nope.”
I scooped my keys off the counter and headed for the door, not giving him time to interrogate me further. “When she wakes up from her nap, don’t give her any more candy, okay?”
He nodded and raked his hands through his hair. I turned to shut the door, but my eyes caught his, and I saw genuine worry in them. He stared at me as though actually worried I had found a man. How could he not know how I felt about him? In the last few weeks I’d dropped so many hints.
Before I gave myself time to think, my feet were tripping over the marble floor toward him, and completely on impulse, I laced my hands behind his head and got on my tiptoes to press my lips to his. It was a quick kiss. One that left me dropping my arms to my sides and backing away from his shocked expression and stiff posture.
Feeling like an idiot, I turned for the door. “Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”
He latched onto my arm and yanked me back to him, then kissed me fiercely. The heat that had been building between us for years burst into a raging inferno. Weird and wonderful, ravenous and unexpected, and in a perfectly imperfect way, it was so right.
“It’s about time we came to our senses,” he said, scooping me up in his arms and heading for the bedroom.
Indeed, it was.
The warehouse came into view at the end of a crumbling road. There were no cars, no busses, and apparently no garbage pickup either in this mid-city industrial area. Some buildings were vacant and forgotten, others crumbling and dark. The biggest population was the tenacious weeds taking over every crack in the pavement. Fences and barbed wire were meant to keep out the homeless and drug addicts, but by the number of needles and drug paraphernalia next to abandoned shopping carts, the system wasn’t working so well.
I was glad I had a gun in my jacket pocket and a crowbar and metal cutters in each hand.
The lock holding closed a chain-link gate broke easier than I thought, and in the waning sunlight, I made my way across a deserted parking lot to one of the many holding units that made up this warehouse. Rows of tall, garage-like doors were numbered, and a few had some tattered signs; Cliff’s Imports… Airdale Holdings… But I was only interested in one, Number twenty-one. My pulse raced with curiosity and dread as I stood before the place Seth had been desperate to get to the day he died.
Hearing a car on the road, I flattened up against the door, my black outfit blending in with the peeling paint. I held my breath as a convertible full of baseball-capped heads cruised by, car stereo blasting rap music so loud I felt the bass in my chest. When the car rolled out of sight, I jammed the crow bar into the lock, twisted as hard as I could, and snapped every piece holding it together.
I wrestled with the heavy door, pushing it up and over my head, then let it ease back down when I leaped forward into the dark space. I had my phone ready, turning on the flashlight so I could find a wall switch.
There was power. And the overhead lights came on. And even though I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to find, this wasn’t it.
The space was large enough for four cars but empty save for two large crates and a metal kitchen chair. The dust was thick on the floor and the walls were bare except for a few cobwebs and streaks of black. At the far end was a door that led into the bay next to it, which was completely empty, too. After inspecting everything and finding nothing, I turned my attention to the crates and was glad I had brought the crowbar. My intrigue was amped up when I noticed Seth’s name on a bill stapled to the side of one—from the numbered company I’d been paying all this time.
The first crate was filled with boxes. One by one, I took them out and found a very confusing assortment of handcuffs and chains, pillows and blankets, and camera equipment. Was Seth into some weird bondage crap? I kept digging and found packets of freeze-dried food, and then a big box of buckets. Buckets. Ten of them. My blood turned cold.
Disturbing as this was, underneath a bag of brand-new clothes—all Kaya’s size—was something that had me clutching my chest in disbelief. A box containing syringes, needles, and Cecalitrin. Buttloads of it.
My pulse was racing as I tugged on the wood of the second crate, now with an urgency that made tears swell behind my eyes. There were metal rods. Bars. It didn’t make sense. Until I pried off the other end of the crate and realized I was looking at a cage.
An actual cage.
Every word Seth ever spoke to me came crashing back with lighting speed. When he said he didn’t love Rayna, there was a nervous twitch in his eye. When he talked about being glad she was dead, there was a tickle in his throat. When he promised he was on Kaya’s side and would never harm her, his lip curled into a slight snarl. They were signs that he was lying, and I had pretended not to notice them. Now, with this evidence, his motives had become clear. He was going to satisfy his desire for the woman he’d lost with her look-alike daughter, then when he was done, pump her full of Cecalitrin to continue his plan of revenge and blackmailing Henry. I realized that Seth had never quit being Rayna’s love-sick puppet. Emphasis on the work sick.
So, in a nutshell, I had been used. Not loved.
I did not pull the trigger in haste.
Tears poured down my face like they never had before. Dust and grime made rivers of mud on my face when I rubbed my eyes. The man I had loved, who had claimed to love me back, was far worse than I imagined. The only solace in this venture was the guilt and confusion lifting from my heart. Even though it was horrifically ugly, at least I had the answer to my question.
The crates were easy to ignite. Flames danced on the wood, then crawled through the bay to reach under the overhead door. Spiny fingers sought me, needing more to burn, but I was untouchable now. I was water flowing freely with no island to go around, no rocks to tumble over, no dam stopping this surge into a glorious new beginning. The past was nothing but a forgettable, dead thing—just like Seth.
Now I could honestly tell Regan I had let go, too.
Autumn
“I thought I might have actually sweated my balls off,” Luke said, grin as wide as the river he was wading in. “But nope. They’re still there.”
I laughed. A breeze caught it and rustled through the lush grasses and red and orange leaves lining the riverbank. Birds chirped happily, wild flowers bloomed, and the water sparkled and gently flowed. This place beneath the bluest sky
was beautiful, but my attention was truly captured by the man in the water. His hair was down past his shoulders, streaked and golden from the sun, skin taut and tanned and every muscle defined from hard work and healthy living. The extra calluses on his hands, the slight sunburn on his back and the new lines around his eyes just added to his allure. Sometimes when I watched him, I forgot where I was. Which I had to admit for the first few months after we’d been dropped off here really did feel like hell. But not anymore. The mountains, this valley, this river… him… it was all home.
I leaned back to absorb the sun that was throwing more heat than it had all summer.
“Do you want to come in and cool down too?” Luke asked, rubbing his hair with soap and sending little rivulets of white across the scars on his chest.
I gulped and just shook my head.
“Ya sure? I’ll wash your back. And whatever other parts you can’t reach.”
Tempting.
Luke had the fire lit on our sandy little beach because the nights were getting longer and colder. I felt so peaceful sitting here on the shore, listening to the crackle of the burning wood. So happy.
Then again, Luke’s hands armed with a bar of soap would feel pretty good, too.
I stood, and then I felt something entirely and completely new.
Pressure.
Increasing.
Then tightening rapidly around my stomach so forcefully it brought me right back to my knees.
No… this can’t be happening… not yet… not yet…
Then it was gone.
Thankfully, Luke didn’t notice. He was drying off, wrestling on a shirt and pants, then sitting on a boulder lacing up his hiking boots.
“So… fish for dinner? Or do you want potatoes. There’s enough left we could make a stew out of them or just mash them up. After dinner I thought we could drive to the store. I kinda have a craving for chips and chocolate bars. Oh wait. I don’t have a car. And there are no roads. Or stores. Or anything but trees and caves… ha. I guess I’ll have to settle for whooping your butt at a game of cards over a cup of chamomile tea.”
I gathered my breath and forced a smile, then struggled to my feet again. “Fish is fine.”
Luke, always beyond intuitive, stopped stoking the fire. “Everything all right?”
I was free. I was healthy. And I was with the man of my dreams in the most beautiful place on earth. “Yes. Everything is all right,” I said, but there was an odd sense of fear settling over me.
“Are you sure?” he asked, standing too, face flooding with concern.
I nodded, and a rush of warmth travelled over my thighs.
His eyes were wide as plates when his gaze fell to a large wet stain that hadn’t been there a second ago. Luke and I knew everything about each other. Intimately. But peeing my pants would still be hella embarrassing. “I don’t know what—”
The words were ripped from my tongue when that gripping pain clutched my stomach again.
“Is it time?” Luke said, easing me to the ground, hand on my swollen belly.
I knew this day would come. But I wasn’t ready. “No. No it can’t be.”
“But your water broke,” he said, trying to contain his panic. He stood and stared off down the beach. “Where is he?”
I breathed deep, keeping calm, focusing on the birds gathered on the other side of the river. “I don’t know where Thomas went. He said something about getting us… duck for dinner.”
“Duck?” Luke was frantically wiping his now-sweating forehead. “I hate duck. I told him not to go far.” Marching to the water’s edge, he cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled. “Thomas… Tho-ma-sss… I need you.”
The pain came again, this time harder and longer, and Luke was next to me on the ground, holding my hand, telling me to breathe. I listened to his voice, latched onto it as the pressure in my abdomen increased. And increased again. And again.
I screamed when it felt like it would never stop.
But it did. And I finally caught my breath.
“Thomas!” Luke yelled again, the concern and worry in his voice elevating my heart rate.“Luke… it’s… uh-oh—” I managed to say before a scream tore through me. The pain was worse than anything I’d ever felt, and the contractions were coming too fast. I thought they would be spread out. I had no time to prepare. I was completely out of control of my body, and its defiance was taking the world in and out of focus.
“What’s the commotion about?”
Thomas had been in a full-out run, which was obvious by the sweat pouring down his cheeks. He wore an easy smile that had a calming effect, and as he kneeled before me and pulled his hair back into a ponytail, I focused on it and the new scratch on his cheek.
“Luke and I hate duck,” I said, close to freaking out because that pain was getting ready to come back.
“Fine. I’ll trap some bunnies instead,” Thomas said, exchanging volumes of unspoken communication with Luke. Pouring water over his hands, he shook the blanket and draped it over his shoulder.
“Knife?” he said to Luke.
“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Luke asked.
It came again. The pressure, then the pain, now pulling at my lower back too… unbearable…
“Breathe,” Luke reminded.
I did. I breathed. I let the tears slide, and the pressure stopped for a moment.
“I’ve never delivered a human baby.” Thomas was cleaning the knife. “But as I said, I’ve helped the cows on the ranch. Can’t be much different.”
“I am not a cow, Thomas!” I sputtered.
He laughed. And everything about that laugh brought my heart rate down. Eased my mind. Thomas could do that.
Luke, however, was unraveling. “Do you think we can get her to camp? Everything we need is in the cave…”
Thomas was focused, centered, easing my pants down and pulling them off, then sliding the blanket under my butt. “We are going to have a new human enter this world any minute, Luke. She’s not going anywhere. Now get behind her like we practiced, okay? Support her and chill the heck out.”
Luke did as he was told.
Thomas’s hands were hot on my knees, encouraging them apart. “I have to check the baby’s position now, okay? Don’t push yet, even if you feel like you have to.”
I nodded and braced myself while Thomas probed around in me. “I can feel him. Or her. The top of the head and not feet. Thank you, Lord above.”
The pain came again. I dug my nails into Luke’s hand, buried my head against his chest as if what I couldn’t see wouldn’t hurt. But that didn’t work. I pulled my knees together, deciding right there and then that I would get up and leave. Walk it off. Maybe then it would go away because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready.
Another contraction. This time lasting longer than the others. “Make it stop, Thomas.” I begged. “Please, make it stop…”
His hand was on my swollen belly, it brushed against Luke’s that had been gently massaging the stretched skin. “You have to do this, Kaya.” Tears were in his eyes. Luke’s, too. “We’re going to help you. You are going to be all right. I promise, okay?”
I didn’t know if I believed him. “Okay.”
He moved my knees apart.
“Holy… Okay, it’s time. You need to push. No fooling around now,” he said.
Luke put a stick between my teeth. I bit down as the pain became absolutely blinding.
“I can’t do this,” I tried to say.
“Yes, you can.” Thomas was rubbing my leg. “This is the most important thing you will ever do in your entire life. When that next contraction comes, you give it all you’ve got. Don’t hold back.”
There was worry in his voice. I knew the baby would suffocate if it stayed too long in the birth canal, and Thomas knew this, too. This child’s existence was entirely up to me.
So I pushed. I felt like I was being ripped apart, but I kept pushing. Luke rubbed my arms, reminding me to breathe. Thomas bra
ced my knees, talked gently about everything he was seeing, and reminded me to embrace the miracle of what my body was doing.
But exhaustion took hold. I could barely keep my head up. I had no strength as the universe robbed me of it in some dark twisted joke. I thought every part of me might break apart as I turned my head away from the pain to see something down the beach. I blinked into focus a majestic, gentle, towering symbol of strength and perseverance—a beautiful buck with creamy golden and ivory fur. Its antlers twisted upward like old branches that were nearly as big as he was. His black eyes pierced mine and when Thomas yelled at me to push, I held its gaze. Head bobbing as if encouraging me, it pawed the ground. It was telling me that I should bring my child into the world with grace and love. Not with fear. Not with torment or trepidation. Because it was time. And I was ready.
My body surged with newfound strength, and in one last blinding push, the sky disappeared as I told the life making its way into Thomas’s hands that it was loved. Loved madly and deeply.
Suddenly, the pain stopped. The sky came back, and the buck swayed its antlers and disappeared into the trees. When I heard the shrill cry of my newborn child, I knew I was going to be all right.
Heck. I was going to be better than all right.
June 5, 2018
Twenty-one candles rattled around in a box next to a chocolate cake. It was the only thing in the helicopter because this time I wasn’t dropping off supplies, I was picking up people. Or so I hoped.
I alerted home base that I was at my destination and landed on the only clear ridge for miles. I had left instructions in the last drop off for Kaya and the others to meet me here on this day, but I didn’t know if any of them were even alive. So I settled in to wait and find out.
Mountain peaks tipped white with snow jutted into the clouds. The wind was light and rustled my hair. Spring was in the air with the scent of flowers blooming and evergreens stretching their limbs. It was breathtaking. Leaning back against the helicopter—the one John had trained me in—I took in the view. As beautiful as it was, I still wondered how anyone could survive alone in it for so long. Even with the medicines, clothes, canned food, knives, fishing rods, traps, pots and pans and anything and everything I could think of packing into the crates—pancake mix included—it would have been grueling. There were storms so bad I couldn’t fly in, and months where the snow was so deep the supplies were swallowed up by it at the drop.
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