by Allison Rios
“I don’t understand how any of this fits in with him.”
Rae’s mind filled with thoughts of the hospital on the day she gave birth; the beeping of the machines as her body gave up on her. She remembered the heat of the tears as they dribbled down her cheeks and onto the rough hospital sheets beneath her.
“I can’t have kids with him, Nella. I can’t give him the life he deserves.”
“Because you’re scared?”
“Because I physically can’t. With anyone. Something went wrong when I gave birth, and they told me I won’t be able to carry children of my own. That’s not fair to anyone.”
“Rae, that’s not a lifetime sentence of loneliness. You can adopt.”
“No, I can’t.”
“And why not? Is this the part where you tell me you killed someone?”
“I can’t adopt Nella,” Rae replied. She leaned her head on Nella’s shoulder and fought back more tears. “I’m wearing a wig because I’m sick. Cancer. I don’t want anyone’s pity or pampering. I didn’t want you all freaking out, and I definitely did not want to plague everyone’s weekend with more bad news. I was going to wait until I was leaving again, but you caught me with my wine and the wig. It’s a lot harder to hide than I thought.”
“What kind?”
“Leukemia. The outlook is pretty grim, short of a miracle. I really don’t want to say much more about it, because there’s nothing more to say. I’ve sought treatment, I’ve sought answers, and I’ve done everything a person should do. It’s not up to me anymore.”
“Wait, what does that mean?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. I came back here to say what I need to say to everyone. I didn’t anticipate coming back to a high school sweetheart still in love with me. I can’t give him the life he deserves. No one wants to give a sick mother a child. It wouldn’t be fair to a child to lose two mothers early in life. Not to mention the fact that I can’t take someone else’s baby after I gave away my own. How cruel would that be? To take the opportunity to raise a baby away from not only the mother giving up the baby but another family who didn’t already give a child away? A family who needs adoption as an option? That’s just more bad karma.”
Now it was Nella’s turn to cry, and she gently wiped the tears away while she struggled to continue the conversation.
“I don’t know what to say here, Rae. This is a lot of news to take in.” Nella wrapped her arms around her friend and tried her best not to completely break down in sobs.
“I know,” Rae replied. “I don’t either. I’ll tell the girls before I go, but I wanted you to hear it from me first. Alone. We’ve been friends for almost thirty years. I love you like you’re my sister. And someone is gonna have to take care of my mama.”
“Stop!” Nella called out. “Stop thinking like that. This is the time when you need all of us more than ever. James isn’t going to care about kids, Rae. He loves you. All of you.”
“I can’t ask that of him. You can’t say a word to anyone, Nella,” Rae said. She lifted her friend’s chin up so she could catch her line of sight. “I don’t want the others to know about the baby, and for right now, about the cancer. Not Ava, not Brooke, and especially not James.”
“Rae –”
The women were interrupted by a piercing scream as their names echoed out from behind the gymnasium doors. They bolted upright and ran towards the sound of Ava’s voice, nearly running into her in their haste.
“Ava, what? What is it?” Rae was suddenly aware that her face was probably splotchy from crying, and found solace in the fact that the hallway’s dim lighting hopefully hid it. “It’s the guys! They’ve been in an accident!”
“Oh my God, are they okay?” Nella asked.
“We don’t know,” Ava replied. “Micah and James were thrown from the back of the truck. It doesn’t sound good.”
Chapter 20
Sunday, October 4
“About time you woke up.”
Gramps set the still-unread pages of the previous day’s paper on the bedside table and leaned forward in the uncomfortable chair. He hadn’t left James’ side since his youngest grandson had returned to the room after surgery.
“Your parents are downstairs getting something to eat. Should be back soon. Me though, I’m getting a little tired of sitting bedside for grandsons in car accidents. Especially now, for something stupid.”
James fought to speak though nothing but a small croak escaped him. Gramps picked up the water cup nearby and lifted the straw to his grandson’s lips.
“Don’t force it, kiddo. I’m sure you’re gonna have to try and talk your way out of this one with quite a few people so you may as well rest and milk it while you can.”
James sucked in the cold refreshment in the cup and relaxed his head back onto the flat and semi-useless pillow.
“I don’t think I need to tell you how stupid what you did was. I’m fairly certain you can come to that conclusion on your own. What I will remind you of is a teenager who has already lost one set of parents and came dangerously close to losing the only other father-figure she has.”
James’ eyes pleaded for an assurance that Ruth was okay.
“She’s fine. Scared, mind you, but fine. She might give you the silent treatment, though. And I’m with her. You deserve at least that.”
James cleared his throat and spoke with a strained voice.
“What about Micah and Reed?”
“Reed might be a little uglier than he’s been in a few years. The seatbelt saved him from any severe damage, but he’s got a face full of stitches from the broken glass and quite a story to tell. The damn antlers missed him completely, just scratching both sides of his neck and pinning him to the damn seat! He best buy a lottery ticket tonight.”
“And Micah?”
“Micah came out with two broken legs and a missing tooth. Not sure which of you is luckier. You boys have your guardian angels working overtime, I’ll tell you that much.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I imagine you’re going to have to repeat that a few thousand times, too, so don’t waste it on me.”
“What’s the damage?”
“Physically or emotionally?”
James’ eyebrow shifted as he winced in response to his feeble attempt at repositioning.
“Broken leg. The bone is busted in two places. Twenty-seven stitches in your skull. Broken rib.” Gramps gently lifted the cup again and shook his head at the sheer stupidity of the boys. “What the hell were you doing riding in the back of the truck like that? You aren’t eighteen. I expect you to know better than that. You’re a grown man with responsibilities.”
“Rough night Gramps. To be honest, I felt like I was eighteen again. Seeing my friends, feeling everything I felt back then. I made a stupid decision.”
“Does that stupid decision have anything to do with Rae?”
“Little bit.”
James struggled to move amidst the pain radiating down his side. Gramps stood to help as James shifted into a more upright position. The pain medication dispenser beeped and he wanted to rip it out, convinced he deserved to feel every bit of pain that found its way into his body.
“Boy, you need to make a decision and stick with it.
This back and forth is going to kill you.”
“The decision was made,” James replied. “She doesn’t want me anymore. Said she’d never be with me again and I swear, it felt like we had the same fight we had all those years ago.” His throat ached from talking, but he needed to hash it out with someone. “Equal parts of me want to hate her and love her all at once. I guess I just need to accept that I’m in love with a memory.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, son,” Gramps said. “I know it isn’t easy making the adult decisions. Moving on will bring its share of challenges, but at some point you’ll stop focusing on the pain and find something to be happy about again.”
James turned away. His mind gave up the thought of them being a
couple, but his heart still held out hope that she’d walk through the door and tell him he was wrong. His heart skipped a beat when the door did indeed swing open. Instead of Rae, Ruth stood on the other side and came bounding in to wrap her arms around his aching body.
“Uncle James!” she shouted as she nuzzled into him.
“Hi sweetheart,” he said. He cupped her head in his good hand and gently kissed the top of her head. “You can quit squeezing any time though.”
“Sorry,” she said. She smiled, and he held her hand in his.
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. Bad decision, bad outcome, and a good life lesson for you to think before you do something.”
“Lead by example, isn’t that what you tell me?”
“Yeah,” he laughed. “Need to take my own advice on that
I guess.”
“I’m just glad you’re okay. Grandma and Grandpa are still eating, but I couldn’t sit there anymore. I had a feeling you would wake up soon.”
“Glad to see your smiling face. Makes me feel better,” James replied.
“I’m going to leave you two alone and check on Micah,”
Gramps said. “I’ll be back in a few.”
When the door clicked shut, he felt Ruth sink into him.
“I thought you wouldn’t make it,” she whispered. “I thought I was going to lose you, too.”
He fought to find words and his body quivered as he fought back the tears.
“I’m so sorry Ruth. I’m just so sorry.”
“What were you doing anyway? I thought you had the reunion?”
“All this reunion stuff got to us, and we let our poor judgment creep in. We just wanted to do something we did way back when.”
“And you couldn’t find anything better than that? You don’t even let me sit in the back of the truck, Uncle James. I always have to sit in the front.”
“I know, I know,” he said. He shifted and tried to quell the pain that came with every movement. “It was really stupid.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Not as much as knowing I put you through all this.”
“I was scared you and Uncle Micah wouldn’t wake up.”
“Oh, Ruth,” he said, pulling her in close. “I promise I will never do anything like that again.”
Chapter 21
Sunday, October 4
“Something tells me you’re scared to go into that room.”
Gramps’ voice caught Rae off-guard and she jumped. She’d been standing in the long, white-walled hallway for half an hour. Nurses and doctors brushed past her here and there as they checked on call lights. She watched James through the slightly opened blinds as he spoke to Ruth. Oddly, she longed to be a part of their world.
She hadn’t slept at all the night before. In fact, she’d gone to the hospital only to see his entire family there waiting before she bolted straight back out the doors. Nella and Ava stayed and promised to call her as soon as they knew anything, which didn’t happen for hours. Fear pulsated within her and threatened to burst and expose the truth she’d buried in an attempt to save face. She wanted to be there and love him and hold his hand.
If she saw him, she feared every inch of her would break down. If the outcome were to be to worse than expected, she worried she’d never recover.
“Is he okay?”
“That’s a relative term, I guess,” he answered.
“Is he going to go back to how he was before?”
“Oh, you mean able to run the grocery store but still pining for the woman who’s held his heart for half his life? Then yep, he should return to normal.”
“Preston men really don’t hold back, huh?”
“I’m old. That’s a privilege of old age. You don’t have to cater to anyone.”
He offered her the second tasteless black coffee he’d purchased after seeing her standing there when he went to the cafeteria thirty minutes earlier.
“You been in to see him yet?”
“Nope,” she replied, graciously accepting the peace offering. She took a sip. The brew sent her lips curling in utter distaste.
“You like the coffee about as much as me, eh?” He laughed.
“I’ve definitely tasted better. It’s appreciated, though.
Guess it’s just not what I’m used to at home.”
“I always found it so strange that a sight or a smell can take you back somewhere important, you know? Funny thing about coffee, right? I mean, it’s an acquired taste. Something you kind of grow to fall in love with. You try out different varieties, but you always come back to that one favorite. You get used to it and how it makes you feel, so much so that when you venture out and try something new, it usually just doesn’t hold up to what you loved in the beginning. And boy, is having it a treat. Coffee has no expectations of you, holds no grudges. It just wants you to enjoy every moment with it.”
“I feel like we’re not talking about coffee anymore.”
“I’m talking about coffee,” Gramps said as he consumed a giant gulp from the warm paper cup. “If you heard something different, maybe that’s because your conscience is telling you something.” He winked at her and tossed his cup in the garbage can stationed next to them. “Of course, what do I know, right? I’m just an old man who listened to his grandson drone on and on about his high school sweetheart for years on end while she – quite obviously, might I add – returns home and looks at him with the exact same look in her eyes that she had way back when. Tell James I’ll be back later, would you? It’s good to see you Rae, even if it’s only for a few days.”
Gramps gave her a squeeze and started towards the open elevator. Somehow the air felt heavier as she forced one foot to step in front of the other towards room four-hundred-nineteen.
The last time she’d seen him in a hospital, she’d been just as scared. At seventeen, any trauma appears multiplied – especially young love.
In the midst of an intense football game – the homecoming game – she turned from her conversation just in time to see him jump in the air for an interception. At the same moment, a jock about twice his size caught James’ knees with his shoulder and sent him catapulting to the ground. He didn’t move, even as the seconds ticked away on the scoreboard clock.
“James! James!” she yelled. She waited on the sidelines until the coach crossed onto the field. When he signaled for James’ parents, she ran out to the twenty-yard line and collapsed next to him – and the yellow flag resulting from the play that had sent him down.
The light drizzle in the brisk fall air twinkled in the stadium lights above them as she looked up and prayed to a higher power that everything would be okay. Coaches swirled around them and barked out orders, while someone yelled “Call 9-1-1!” behind her. She held his hand in hers, careful not to move him in case the injury was worse than they knew. The mud from the overly trodden and saturated ground soaked into her jeans and the cold began to penetrate her skin.
Her friends tried to lift her up and away to allow the coaches and paramedics room to do their work. The adrenaline gave her one up on them, and she fought to stay near his side. As his mother fought back tears, Rae reached for her. They held onto each other as they watched the center of their world lifted gently onto a stretcher.
He seemed utterly lifeless with his eyes tightly shut. As the stretcher lifted up, his arm fell limp to the side. It took all the strength Rae had not to throw up. There had never been a moment or an injury he hadn’t shaken off. She could hardly bear the sight of him in a neck brace, being wheeled off the field he referred to as his second home.
She and his mother boarded the ambulance. The sirens blared and in their haste to get to the hospital, the tires dug significant paths into the rain-soaked grass.
She hated him playing football. He was strong, and she didn’t doubt his capacity to play. His size, however, was nothing near that of the others on the field. Muscles aside, he was slender and fast, which made him a great player – when he could avoid the giant
, teeth-gnashing boy-men sent to crush him.
She felt the hurried tap of a hopeful mother on her hand and looked down from the lights surging beyond the ambulance windows. His eyes fluttered open, and he managed a weak smile.
“What’s wrong with my girls?” he asked in a soft voice.
“Are you okay?” his mom asked.
“Does anything hurt?” Rae added.
“Just my pride. Did I catch it?”
Rae tried to stifle a laugh because his mom didn’t find the situation as funny.
“No, you did not,” Rae said.
“James, look at me for a moment,” the paramedic said. He held the flashlight above James’ face and ran through a short set of drills with him. “What season of the year is it, son?”
“Football season,” James said. He smiled and reached out a hand to clutch both his mom’s and Rae’s. “Is that wrong? Deer season then?”
Chapter 22
Sunday, October 4
He glanced between the white, horizontal blinds partially blocking the glass window of the hospital door. Her barely audible knock had captured his attention, and he shifted slightly in bed when he realized it was Rae.
“Do you mind some company?” she asked.
“Sweetheart, would you go check on Grandma and Grandpa?” Ruth nodded yes, and with an angry glance towards Rae, she left the room and pulled the door closed behind her.
“I have a feeling she doesn’t like me,” Rae said.