Chapter 4: How to Resist Emotional Takeovers
Recognize Others’ Distortions and Don’t Disconnect from Yourself
Emotional takeovers occur when EIPs induce emotions and ideas in you that will help control you for their benefit. In this chapter, you’ll learn to recognize emotional coercions and emotional takeovers as soon as they start. Your job is to become so aware of EIPs’ psychological moves that you’ll no longer get caught up in their exploitative relationship system. You’ll see how EIPs achieve emotional takeovers by making their needs seem compelling, and you’ll learn how to handle this without dissociating from yourself. (As I refer to EIPs in general in this chapter, keep in mind that this definitely includes all EI parents.)
Keep an Active Mindset
This chapter will show you how to actively deflect emotional takeovers and refuse to be emotionally coerced into doing what EIPs want. Instead of giving in to them, you can now remind yourself, I can do something about what they just did. Affirming this active mindset empowers you to stop being swept along in the slipstream of their agendas.
One woman described this active attitude as her determination not to be pressured by other people’s demands. In her words, “I’m not going to be dictated by their urgency. I’m not going to allow them to come into my space and tell me how I have to be.”
When you resolve to make your own decisions instead of giving in to EIPs pressure, you become less vulnerable to the subconscious pull of their emotionally immature relationship system (EIRS) and the emotional takeover it spawns. Having an active mindset prepares you to think for yourself instead of automatically acquiescing. By questioning their assumptions, you’ll actively protect your boundaries and independence. You no longer agree that it’s up to you to repair their self-esteem or stabilize their emotions.
By becoming sensitive to how EIRS pressure feels, EIPs’ emotional takeovers become more obvious to you and easier to counter. Once you see what they’re doing, their coercive behaviors lose their force. Instead of being their victim, you’ll get back on your own side.
First, let’s look at how EIPs make it seem that their issues are more important than anything that could possibly be going on with you.
You Can Challenge Their Distorted Assumptions
EIPs see the world through a kind of distortion field (Wald 2018) that exaggerates everything and makes their needs seem inherently more important than those of others. If you are not careful, you will accept their distortions as reality and agree that these are extraordinary circumstances and they really do deserve to come first.
Stop Accepting That They’re the Most Important One
If you grew up as the child of an EI parent, it probably seemed to you that some people really were more important than anyone else. For instance, in many homes, all eyes go to the EIP as soon as they walk in the door. They are the center of attention, and everyone instinctively watches them because no one can concentrate on anything else if the EIP is in a mood. The family mythology is that this EIP is extra special and family members try hard not to upset them.
So who could blame you for thinking it’s normal for one person’s emotional state to rule everyone else’s life? To a child who is still learning what this world is all about, the EIP’s outsize status would appear to be an observable fact.
Although this kind of family domination by an EIP is not normal or healthy, there is no way for a child to know this because kids rarely see how other families operate. Children can only witness how an EIP is treated in their family and think things to themselves like, This seems real; Dad really is the most important person in the world; Mom’s feelings clearly are more important than anyone else’s; or Of course my little sister’s demands are everybody’s crisis.
But now as an adult, you know better. You have the right to think of your own needs. EI expectations to the contrary, your purpose in life is not to make someone feel more powerful than they really are. A person can’t claim to be more important than anyone else just because they feel that way. You and that EIP are existential equals; no one is more important than anyone else. You’re neither their possession nor their servant.
Question Whether It Is an Emergency
The EIP’s distortion field turns everything into a big deal. For them, ordinary life’s vicissitudes can constitute a crisis that needs to be solved right now. When they’re upset, you should jump first and ask questions later. If you grew up with an EIP, you probably lived in stressful apprehension, poised to react as you monitored the EIP’s crisis of the moment. Do you need to get out of their way? Inquire about their unhappy body language? Make sure no one disturbs them? Listen to their complaints? Calm them down? Make them feel cherished? Whatever it takes, you do it because you dread the fallout of their emotional destabilization.
It’s often hard to tell whether an EIP’s issues are reality-based or are just their old trauma scripts. Are they really being victimized? Did someone really attack them for no reason, or did they start it? It’s hard to know. Their distortion field will tell you that nothing is their fault and everyone else is out to get them. Thankfully, you now know enough about emotional takeovers to take any EIP’s urgency with a grain of salt.
From inside their distortion field, they act like you are the only solution to their pressing problems. But once their distorted self-importance no longer mesmerizes you, you will realize that, in the big scheme of things, they don’t have the right to take you over, nor do they matter more than you. There are two human lives to be considered, not just one. It’s not true that their needs make them more important or entitled than other human beings.
Don’t Fall for Their Flattery
EIPs often use flattery to coax you into going along with whatever they want. They may act like you have all the answers or are uniquely strong and capable of fixing their problems. They tell you they don’t know what they would do without you. (My guess is that they would soon find someone else more willing.)
EIPs offer a spectacular relationship deal: if you do what they want, then you will be everything to them. However, the fine print says that you are only as good as the last thing you did for them. In this distorted arrangement, you can be everything one minute and nothing the next. This is because they have an extremely self-preoccupied way of looking at relationships. You are either wonderful or useless to them—with nothing in between.
EIPs’ flatteries can be very seductive to anyone. We all want to feel special. Who isn’t intrigued by someone who acts like you are the answer to their prayer? It’s easy to forgive them anything as soon as you feel like everything to them again, even if they ignore or disrespect you the rest of the time. You might put up with a lot as long as the EIP sometimes makes you feel important, lovable, and special. This use of flattery is well known in con artists, cult leaders, dictators, and other exploiters to help get their foot in the door. They know people need to feel special, and they use it to cement their power.
You don’t have to let any of these flatteries work on you. None of these enticements offer a relationship deal that makes sense on any level. Besides, do you really want to be their special person they can call on any time? Wouldn’t you prefer genuine people who show you kindness and sincere interest, not just puffery they bestow because they’re in a good mood and about to get what they want?
Getting Free of Their Distortion Field
Now let’s see how to step back and ask the right questions that can free you from the EIP’s distortion field of being more important than you are.
Assess Their Urgency
EIPs exaggerate everything. Like small children, every frustration or insult is the end of the world. They are like the boy who cried wolf; you don’t know whether to believe them or not. That is why it’s so important not to blindly accept their completely self-focused view of their situation. It’s up to you to clarify the reality of things. Otherwise, you will be swept u
p in one drama after another, all seemingly urgent and desperate. For self-protection, it pays to assess the reality of the situation and put their distorted views into perspective.
The first step in doing this is to resist the desperate urgency that usually accompanies an EIP’s pleas. You don’t have to exaggerate and distort along with them, and you certainly don’t have to accept their twist on the facts. You are free to back up and look at their situation objectively or run it by a third party. Be sure to pin down the EIP for specifics: it’s possible things aren’t as urgent as they seem. Given their emotional distortions, should you be taking their word for the true magnitude of their problem?
Get Some Distance and Analyze the Problem
Don’t forget that in any crisis, there is much that EIPs haven’t considered because of their many distortions and fears. When faced with a serious problem, they panic. In their mind, the only answer is that someone must save them. They want you to jump in and join them in their black hole of desperation, followed by miraculously making it all better.
It’s up to you to decide what level of response from you makes sense, independent of the EIP’s pressure and wildfire emotions. What’s the level of actual need, if any? You have to be the one who examines this because they won’t. The proper response to any of their emergencies is not to jump in, but to step back and assess realities first.
Some EIPs will get huffy if you want to analyze things instead of immediately acquiescing. They are especially likely to feel betrayed if you suggest that their reactions might be causing some of their problems. They make it an issue of lack of love if you don’t agree straightaway to give them what they want. But you still can tell them you’re not sure their impulsive solution is the best answer, and because they’re asking for your help, you want to take time to think out other possible solutions with them.
If they refuse this, they are promoting the greatest distortion of all: that you don’t matter as much as they do. Fortunately, you don’t have to accept this offer of a skewed, one-sided relationship. You are under no obligation to put another adult’s needs ahead of your own. Explain that you don’t proceed with anything without thinking about it, and let them know you’d be happy to talk later if they’d be willing to take your needs into consideration too.
Questions to Ask Yourself When in the Midst of an Emotional Takeover Attempt
What is the reality (not just what they’re telling you)?
What are verifiable facts of the situation?
What’s the seriousness of the crisis? Is it an emergency? For whom?
Is their request the best solution to the problem?
Could they solve it themselves once they calm down?
Should this be your responsibility?
By asking yourself these questions, you can assess whether it is a true crisis or an emotional takeover dressed up to look like one.
Identify Whether You Really Have an Obligation
When EIPs have a crisis, they make you feel obligated to help. This is the first stage of their emotional takeover: their problem is your problem. If you hesitate and want to think things through, they essentially react with, “I can’t believe you’re not doing this for me in my time of need!” But your job, in the face of this implied accusation, is to step back and ask yourself whether you really do have an obligation, under these circumstances, with these events in play. Otherwise, you will be yielding to a full emotional takeover by giving them the right to be the voice of your conscience.
No one but you has the right to define your obligation and duty in a relationship. The EIP’s urgency implies that you have no choice. But of course you do. You are not a bad person for wanting to think it over or to look for ways to help without sacrificing your own well-being. Remember to ask yourself: Is it an emergency? Is this the best solution? Is this my responsibility? You have the right to examine for yourself all the things they think you should do. Clarify everyone’s responsibilities by considering: What’s me, what’s them, and what—if anything—is really an obligation?
When you start feeling compelled by duty or obligation, ask yourself who’s suggesting that and why. There can’t be only one acceptable option—not when two or more people are involved. By working together, you two could figure out something that works for both of you. Ask yourself, as Byron Katie (2002) suggests, Is this “obligation” you feel an absolute, cosmic truth? Rational inquiry will reveal that one EIP’s opinion isn’t the only way to look at things.
Step Back from Enabling Them
Enabling is when you rescue people from the repeated consequences of their own actions or do things for them that they could do on their own. Enabling weakens the resourcefulness of the other person because you continue to make yourself the answer to their problems. You are agreeing with them that their problem is impossible for them to deal with by themselves. Enabling offers the EIP the right to take over your life.
When EIPs are caught up in their distortion fields, they panic and may not be able to see alternatives. This isn’t because the alternatives aren’t there; it’s because they don’t give themselves enough time to see them. Because EIPs rush through everything, you’ll feel pressured to jump in immediately. But when you intervene too quickly, it confirms their belief that someone else needs to figure it out for them. This reinforces their alarmed and demanding reactivity.
Bert’s Story
Bert got a panicky phone call from his younger brother, Tom, asking for a $10,000 loan for what Bert thought was an impulsive solution to a larger debt problem. He encouraged Tom to give it some more thought. As a delay tactic to slow down the situation, Bert also asked Tom to write down the details of the whole situation for him. This would give Bert some space to think about what he was willing to do, plus it would give Tom some practice in sitting down and working through a problem by writing. But Tom was offended: he didn’t see what good that would do and just wanted the money. Tom’s irritation revealed his underlying assumption of entitlement: Tom expected Bert to give him $10,000 and yet was affronted by a reasonable request to specify in writing the nature of his problem. No lending institution would contemplate a loan without the same request.
It’s amazing, given their urgency, but sometimes if you don’t get back to EIPs right away, the problem resolves itself. It’s not unusual that you might still be worrying about an EIP’s crisis, only to find out later the EIP had already moved on, gone to sleep, or found something else to make them feel better. It’s good to remember that, by definition, any emergency seen from inside a distortion field might be distorted.
Just remember, you have the right to take your time and consider whether you really want to help or not. You don’t have to let yourself be coerced into helping against your better judgment.
Decide Beforehand What You Are Willing to Give
Think in advance about what you are willing to commit to: under what circumstances would you intervene, and when would you not? This should be a detailed, thoughtful exercise, made far in advance of the next call on your assistance. Have some idea of your acceptable limits before you enter their distortion zone.
For instance, you might be okay with paying their rent one month, but only if you give the money directly to the landlord. Or you might be willing to assist, but only after they’ve done some things to help themselves. Those decisions should come from you, and you have every right to ask questions about their situation and not accept their assessment at face value. You might be able to suggest other forms of help they can’t see from inside their distortion field.
In another example, an older couple had spent thousands of dollars trying to get their addicted son straight and employed. He had stolen from them yet kept asking for one more loan. The couple finally stepped back and assessed how much they were willing to give in the future and under what conditions. They thought about all kinds of dire scenarios that could arise and drew lines over how f
ar they’d go. Then they were ready when their son later suggested that maybe he could just move in with them. They already knew that his lifestyle would not fit their retirement situation. Their health and marriage took precedence. They weren’t vulnerable to his emotional takeover or coercion because they had thought things out in advance.
Exercise: Prepare for the Next Time
Think of EIPs in your life who often expect you to go along with them or give them help. Prepare yourself for the next time by making a list of everything you would or wouldn’t be willing to do. It should range from things you wouldn’t hesitate to grant (they are thirsty and you give them water), to things that give you pause (they want you to go on a family vacation), all the way down to requests you could refuse with no guilt (they want you to buy them something expensive because their friends have one). On the continuum of these possibilities, imagine and rank hypothetical future situations where you would or wouldn’t want to help. You may never face these exact situations, but this exercise will give you practice in thinking about your comfortable limits beforehand.
Important Exceptions to Refusing a Request
We’re not always as strong as we want to be, so sometimes you might go ahead and give in because you are too worn down or bewildered to do otherwise. That’s okay. Just notice how it feels to be taken over and make a note for the future. Other times, situations feel too serious to just say no, and you might end up helping because the risks of not acting seem too high.
You Might Decide to Help When a Life Is at Risk
A life at risk is a good exception to make when agreeing to help. For instance, one man decided to pay for a cheap motel room for his irascible, homeless, and addicted brother during the winter because his brother had been admitted to the hospital with hypothermia. His brother was impossible to deal with, but he didn’t want the man to freeze to death either.
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents Page 8