Response #7: Claim Your Right to Think Things Through
EIPs like to mock sensitive people as overthinkers who read too much into simple matters. They imply that you should accept whatever they say at face value without thinking too much. To the dismissive comment, “You think too much,” my favorite response is, “I’ll have to think about that.” Or if you are in the mood for discussion, you could ask, “What did it seem I was overthinking about?” Or, to end the discussion, you could say things like, “Nope, I think just the right amount for me,” “Well, I only think as much as I need to,” or “Thinking pays off for me.”
Because EIPs prefer emotional hit-and-runs, when you stop and clarify their intent in a deeper way, it makes you a less savory target for mockery in the future.
Response #8: Defend Your Right to Be Upset
EIPs are quick to point out how unnecessary your feelings are, especially if you’re upset about something. EIPs like to complain a lot, but they have a way of making your problems seem like whining.
EIPs often “comfort” you by telling you to be grateful for what you have. This dismissal of your emotional experience is profoundly nonempathetic. Suggesting you could be grateful instead of upset sounds good, but it’s not the way the mind works. Usually we feel better if we get sympathy, rather than being shamed for being upset.
As another example, if you were worried about your finances, an EIP might tell you to remember how lucky you are to have a job because a lot of people don’t. Of course, this rationalizing does nothing but invalidate your feelings. Your neutral response could be something like, “I am grateful to have a job, but my financial problem’s still there. It helps to talk this over with you. Is that okay with you?” This is a way of returning to the real point of the conversation instead of accepting their brush-off of your concerns.
Response #9: Defend the Legitimacy of Your Problems
EIPs like to point out that other people have lived through worse things. For instance, one woman’s mother who was a war refugee as a child used to shut down her daughter’s distress by saying, “What are you complaining about? You have three meals a day and nobody’s trying to kill you.” It’s pointless to try to top something like that, but you could say, “I appreciate the life I have; I know others have it much worse. However, this is the problem I’m in the middle of right now. Would you rather I didn’t tell you about it?”
Response #10: Validate Your Right to Feel the Way You Do
Sometimes EIPs flat out tell you, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “There’s no need to get upset,” thereby invalidating your experience. This suggests your emotions are wrong or abnormal. You can stay true to yourself by responding thoughtfully with something like, “I don’t see why I can’t have all my feelings about this.” Or you could say, “I’ll probably feel better later, but it makes sense that I would be upset right now.” You could also challenge the implication that you’re overreacting by asking, “Are you saying most people wouldn’t be upset by this? Hmmm…I wonder.”
Remember, the goal of the responses above is to stand up for the legitimacy of your inner world, not to try to change the EIP. Instead of reacting with frustrated passivity, you can take action and express your human right to feel your feelings and think your thoughts. When you speak up, you claim your status as a coequal.
In the next part of this book, you’ll learn how to use your inner guidance, declutter your mind, and update your self-concept to reclaim your emotional autonomy and find the types of relationships you really want.
Highlights to Remember
We looked at how and why EIPs are often hostile toward your inner world. You saw how EI parents use mockery and other rejections to negate the importance of your inner life, teaching you to mistrust and invalidate your inner experiences. We explored the impact of EI parents on your relationship with your inner world. Finally, you learned ten ways to stand up for your rights to have your own feelings and point of view.
Part II: Emotional Autonomy
Reclaiming the Freedom to Be Yourself
In part II, you’ll learn to pay attention to yourself instead of giving in to emotional coercions and fears of rejection. Instead of fearing the moods of an EIP, you’ll protect your right to be yourself and to live your own life. You’ll learn how to defend your emotional autonomy and mental freedom, allowing yourself to feel what you feel and think what you think. You’ll stop denying your needs and build new skills to support your growth.
I am very excited about working with you to undo these patterns because I have seen it make such a difference with so many clients. I can’t wait for you to enjoy what your inner world can bring you and how it can help you create your own best life.
Chapter 7: Nurturing Your Relationship with Yourself
How to Trust Your Inner World
Does it seem strange to think about spending time on developing a relationship with yourself? You might think, I am always myself; why would I need to work on a relationship with myself? What would that even look like? But it’s the most foundational relationship you have; it determines your happiness, success, and genuine connection with other people. By getting to know yourself and valuing your inner experiences, you get better at understanding and loving others.
Unfortunately, you may have neglected your relationship with yourself as a result of growing up with EI parents who dismissed the importance of your inner world. This essential connection to yourself now needs—and deserves—some dedicated attention.
The Impact of Having Your Inner World Discounted
If EI parents invalidated or dismissed your inner experiences as a child, you may consider yourself unworthy of being taken seriously. You may even believe that what goes on inside you isn’t important. I witness this often in psychotherapy sessions. Although clients come to therapy to talk about their problems, they often downplay their concerns with self-dismissive comments like, “I know this is stupid, but…” or “This is such a small thing, I’m embarrassed to admit it.” Their interior world feels illegitimate to them, and they are embarrassed by their strong feelings. Take the case of my client Mallory.
Mallory’s Story
Mallory came to see me after a corporate merger resulted in the loss of her position. She was ready for retirement, so the loss of income wasn’t a threat, but the worst part was not knowing what to do with herself after she stopped working. Mallory had no hobbies or interests and no family that lived nearby. For the first time in her life, she had the freedom to do whatever she wanted, but she was drawing a complete blank. The thought of not knowing what to do every day terrified her. “I have nothing I’m really passionate about,” she said.
Then one day, Mallory realized why she couldn’t identify anything she loved to do besides work. She had had a very volatile and domineering father who loved to ridicule family members and tell them what to do. “All of a sudden it dawned on me,” Mallory said, “that my father always put me down, he criticized and made fun of anything I liked or wanted to do.” Even as an adult, he would discourage Mallory from trying new things, by saying, “You’re too old. Why would you want to do that? You don’t want to do that.”
Once when ten-year-old Mallory was with her parents in a drugstore, her father caught her looking at a fan magazine. He called her mother over in his booming voice and said, “Look at what she’s looking at! Look at this! Isn’t that ridiculous?” Then he told her she didn’t want that and whisked her away.
Mallory feared her father’s scorn. “From the time I was little, his ridicule made this huge impact. I was afraid and embarrassed to voice my true desires. I lost all awareness of what they were. I never knew who I was. If he knew I wanted something, he told me it was trivial and stupid. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have passions or favorite things like other girls, but now I know.”
“I learned to keep the part of me that was interested in things a
secret. First, I was keeping the secret from him, but after so many years of feeling ashamed, I finally really didn’t know what I wanted,” Mallory explained. “When people asked me which thing I preferred, I could never tell. I would just say I didn’t care because I was so afraid it wouldn’t be the right thing.” Mallory had been shamed out of trusting any cues from her inner self.
In adulthood, Mallory defied her father and became a successful, independent adult, able to be decisive and highly capable at work. But in the emotional areas of life, such as discovering her passions, she still felt repressed. She quickly shut herself down as soon as she felt curious or excited about something and wanted more. For a long time, she unconsciously chose her father’s approval over her relationship with herself. Mallory had gotten so far away from herself she no longer knew what brought her joy.
When you repress your ideas and passions, your inner world shrinks. Many of us try to fill this vacuum of emotional self-neglect by obsessing over relationships and events. However, nothing in the outside world of people and situations will ever feel like enough as long as you dismiss your inner experiences. No amount of external activity can fill the emptiness where there should be a robust fascination with your own interior.
EI parents like Mallory’s father can convince you that there’s nothing about your inner world to take seriously. This self-betrayal lowers your self-worth and dims your joy in living. But it’s a whole new day once you realize that your inner experience motivates your life and is crucial to pay attention to. In my years as a psychotherapist, I have witnessed many times the lightness, brightness, and feelings of freedom that occur when a person rediscovers the energy of their psychological interior. Diana Fosha (2000) calls these feelings the core state, and it’s what is recovered if psychotherapy is successful. As one man put it, his new self-awareness felt like “finally getting over a wall.” When I asked him what he found on the other side, he smiled and said, “The promised land.”
But now let me play devil’s advocate and ask, Who says that there really is an inner self, or that our inner experiences matter? How do we know the inner self deserves to be developed and trusted? As we have seen, EI parents are quick to ridicule the inner world, so what’s the evidence that the inner world and inner self are real?
The Reality of Your Inner World: The Supporting Evidence
We popularly acknowledge the inner world all the time, relying on it for all aspects of living. We couldn’t talk about human functioning at all if we didn’t. We just don’t realize how much of our daily life depends on consulting our inner world and our inner experiences.
Your inner world determines your most significant beliefs and decisions in life: who you think you are, what you believe in, and the future you desire. It inspires the kind of person you want to be, what you teach your kids, and the meaning of life. The inner world couldn’t be more practical, because what’s more basic than knowing what you need to survive and thrive? It is just as real as anything tangible.
When we talk about a person’s confidence, will, and self-esteem, we act as if these qualities are real things, and they certainly are. So are trust, faith, optimism, and “going with your gut.” Your inner world is the source of solving problems, having aha moments, and figuring out how things work.
Education is an example of an inner world pursuit that is highly valued. Your desire to educate and better yourself arises from your inside world, as do curiosity, ambition, and the ability to self-reflect. We could never set goals or envision something better unless there were an inner knowing guiding us forward. Somehow, we can look within, imagine plans, and chart a course in spite of external pressures and temptations. This inner ability to assess our lives and determine where we want to go is the force that allows us to change our lives for the better.
You couldn’t be independent or make friends unless your inner self and inner world were real things. Your inner world is where all your energy, humor, enthusiasm, and altruism come from. Your ability to be fair and loyal to others comes from inside, as does any interest in coaching, leading, or mentoring. The desire to love others and better the world comes from the inside. The meaning of your life can only be found within.
Your inner world gives you resilience and the ability to work through hard times to eventual success. Common sense, compassion, and gratitude are inner gifts, as are adaptability and stoicism under hardship (Vaillant 1993). The inner strengths of patience, courage, and perseverance also are very real to us because we see them in action every day.
If you’re still wondering whether these inner qualities really “exist” or should be considered “real,” think what your life would be like without them. You can’t, because not only are they real, but they are as essential to life as external events. Just because EIPs discount the importance of your inner world doesn’t mean it’s not crucial to living.
What Exactly Is Your Inner Self?
The idea of having an inner self can be hard to put into words, yet I’ve never had anyone look at me blankly when I mention it. All of us sense an inner core of ourselves that is unique and somewhat apart from everyday concerns. We feel its presence. Now let’s define the inner self and what constitutes it.
Defining Your Inner Self
What I call the inner self has many common names: soul, spirit, heart, the you of you. Different theorists have used various terms to allude to this inner vitality: the self (Jung 1959; Kohut 1971), the core state (Fosha 2000), and the true self (Schwartz 1995), to name just a few.
I like the term inner self because it is simple, straightforward, and unmistakable in common parlance. When I refer to the self this way, people seem to know what I mean. The inner self is that internal witness—the nucleus of your being—that takes in all of life but is unchanged by life. The inner self is who you feel yourself to be at the deepest level. It’s your unique individuality, underneath your personality, family role, and social identity.
Although you can’t see, measure, or touch the inner self, you are internally supported by its presence and you’ll have an empty feeling if you get disconnected from it. It’s like a loyal and wise inner friend who always has your best interests at heart. It occupies your inner world and communicates with you through your inner experiences.
How You Benefit from Inner Self Guidance
Your inner self protects and enriches your life through the following sources of guidance.
Emotions that alert you. The inner self uses your deepest feelings—not just superficial reactions—to nudge you toward what’s good for you. It energizes you when you encounter things that bring out the best in you, but makes you dread things that bring you boredom, dissatisfaction, or depression. It even warns you with apprehension, fear, or panic in potentially exploitative or dangerous situations.
A sense of direct knowing. Your inner self zeros in on the true nature of a situation or the intent of another person. There are some things you just know through your gut feelings. This intuitive knowing is what you mean when you say, “I see,” “I get it,” or otherwise grasp something all at once. EIPs may try to talk you out of this inner awareness, but the inner self knows what it knows.
Inspired insights. Inspired thoughts are different from the routine clutter of your daily thinking. Insights from the inner self deliver a deeper information than you would ever get from ordinary thought. When you are insightful, you reason clearly and see into the heart of a problem. Insights help you solve dilemmas, analyze cause and effect, and come up with creative ideas. Inspired insights often pop out of the blue while you’re doing something else, such as walking, showering, or driving.
Guidance for survival. Physical survival may be the ultimate benefit of having a good relationship with your inner world. Exceptional survivors have had strong inner selves that they trusted and called upon under extreme duress (Bickel 2000; Huntford 1985; Simpson 1988). The rich inner worlds of successful sur
vivors helped them survive, using the gifts of humor, altruism, imagination, meaning, and optimism (Frankl 1959; Siebert 1993; Vaillant 1993). As Lawrence Gonzales (2003) put it, “To survive, you must find yourself. Then it won’t matter where you are” (167).
Exercise: Remembering Experiences of Inner Self Guidance
In your journal, write about a time when you listened to your inner self’s guidance, using one or more of the prompts below. If you can’t think of anything immediately, give it some time. Most of us have had these experiences at some point.
A time when you paid attention to your feelings, and you were right even though others didn’t see it
A time when you instantly knew the right thing to do in a situation, even though you couldn’t explain how you knew
A time when an insight or solution suddenly came to you after a period of not being able to figure it out
A time when intuition protected your safety or even survival
Your examples may be everyday or dramatic, but they are all evidence of this purposeful, intelligent guidance inside you.
Begin a Better Relationship with Yourself
As we saw in the previous chapter, EIPs dismiss your inner world as if it were unnecessary and irrelevant. If you believe these dismissals, you will miss the wisdom your inner self offers you in the form of feelings, intuitions, and insights. But you can use the following five ways to establish a more trusting, respectful relationship with your inner self and its guidance.
Pay attention to your internal physical sensations.
Figure out the meaning of your feelings.
Refuse to judge and criticize yourself.
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents Page 13