by Hanna Ruthie
“You cold?” Matthew asks.
“A little,” I admit.
He unzips his sweater and throws it around my shoulders.
“Thanks,” I say, pushing my arms through the sleeves.
It’s grey and cotton and warm. And big, and it smells like him. “I’ll give it back before I go, I promise.”
Matthew looks over at me. “Oh yeah, I forgot I found you here. You don’t have to stick around you know.”
“Oh no it’s no trouble, you shouldn’t have to wait out here by yourself. Plus this was really fun.”
I don’t want it to end.
“Yeah,” Matthew says quietly. “It was.”
Just then the doors to Pulp Fiction open and out comes Matthew’s friends with their dates.
“Oh you haven’t been waiting long have you?” Ariana asks.
“Oh no, we just got out ourselves not too long ago,” I reply.
Thomas is eyeballing me, or more accurately, the sweater on me. Matthew’s sweater.
“How was your movie?” Chris asks.
“Great,” I answer. “Matthew ate all the popcorn, but you know, besides that.”
He chuckles and nods, giving Matthew a look that I can’t read. “Riiight.”
“Anyways, I was just going,” I explain.
“You’re not coming to dinner?” Thomas asks.
I pause, looking at Matthew.
“Oh yeah, you can totally come if you want,” he says. “We were going to go eat after this.”
“Oh no, that’s alright, I wouldn’t want to intrude,” I say.
Matthew nods his head to his friends.
“She’ll come,” he says, apparently making my mind up for me.
“Cool,” Chris replies. We all begin walking towards the parking lot and I fall in the back with Matthew.
“I’ll come?” I ask Matthew.
He sighs. “Look, we would have spent five minutes arguing over you not being a nuisance and I just cut through all that bullshit.”
As we walk outside the cold air hits me and I pull his sweater around me tighter.
“Well… what if I had plans?”
Matthew glances at me, eyebrows raised in suspicion. “Did you?”
“Well, no, but that’s not the point.”
He laughs. “Jos, you’re doing me a favor here. I don’t want to sit alone with my friends on their double date.”
I struggle to keep up with him, my feet moving faster to meet his pace. “So what is this then? A double date and two friends?”
“Sure, call it a triple date it you want.”
A triple date? Did he really just say that? Is that what this is? The words just slip right out of my mouth.
“Is this a date?” I ask loudly.
He doesn’t even look at me. He just shrugs. “Sure, I don’t care.”
Wow. There’s a new one to add to the diary. Today I was taken on a date. His sweet words to me- Sure, I don’t care.
I fall silent as we walk to the car.
“So where are we eating?” Chris asks. “The Burger Joint?”
Matthew looks over at me. He knows I work there now. I spend a lot of time there. It’s not the place I’d love to spend my free time.
“Nah let’s try somewhere new,” Matthew says. We all get in Chris’s Jeep and drive over to a pizza shop on the corner. There, we find our seats in a big booth and order. I’m sitting on the very edge of the booth, right next to Matthew. Chris and his date are messing around with the shaker full of red pepper flakes while Thomas and his date look engrossed in conversation. I watch them as we wait for our food. Matthew’s on his phone, doing something that he looks pretty interested in. Some date he is. Thomas looks up at me and glances over at Matthew. He shrugs to me, giving me a look of sympathy. I smile back lightly. The pizza doesn’t take long to come out and as soon as it hits the table the boys are all grabbing at the slices. Harper and I laugh, watching them wolf down their food. I take a small slice myself and have a few bites but then stop. Matthew nudges me, grabbing for his second piece.
“What’s up? You’re eating like a bird.”
I shrug it off. “I’m just not that hungry. Still full on candy.”
He nods, swallowing down his bite. He’s more involved in the food than he is with me. My sugar high has now turned into a sugar crash and I’m beginning to feel the weight of the week again. I want to be home right now. The whole point of going out tonight was to get some much needed me time. I’ve had enough of this quasi date. I cross my arms over my chest and wait patiently for everyone to finish the pizza. I curse them for getting an extra large.
“You gonna eat that?” Matthew asks, nodding his head towards my slice.
I shake my head. “Go for it.”
He picks up the slice and eats it, looking over at me. After he swallows his bite, he sighs loudly. “Okay, what’s wrong?” He asks.
I cut right to it, glad to be given the opportunity to vent. “I’m tired Matthew. And you just made up my mind for me and made me come along to this ‘date’. This is not a date. You said ‘Sure, I don’t care’. How could you not care? A date is how two people let each other know they like each other. Do you even like me that way?”
“Jesus,” he groans. “We’re really going to have that conversation?”
“You asked me what was wrong, I told you.”
Matthew sighs. “We’re friends Josie. I told you I don’t do dating.”
“Then don’t call this a date,” I reply.
Matthew rolls his eyes at me. “Fine, it’s not a date.”
“And why don’t you do dating?” I ask, getting worked up now. I can’t help it, I’m cranky.
Matthew shifts in his seat. “Can we not do this right now?”
“Just tell me.”
Harper laughs loudly at something Thomas says. It’s so strange to me that we’re all sitting together and yet each pair of us is in our own little world.
“I just don’t, okay? Drop it,” Matthew says.
“You’ve never even wanted to?” I wonder.
“No.”
“But-”
He leans closer, to me, his voice becoming frustrated. “Why would I when I could just give someone a good time and send them on their merry way come morning?”
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“But what about… what about love?” I ask.
Matthew’s expression shows shock. He looks down at me and laughs. “Oh my God, you’re worse than I thought. You have zero grip on reality.”
“Why? Because I believe in love?”
He cringes at the word.
“Oh come on Matthew. It’s not so far fetched. Everybody loves something.”
He scoffs at me. “Okay, since you’re apparently the love doctor now, why don’t you tell me. What do I love?”
“Yourself,” I fire back quickly.
He leans back against the booth. “Well you’ve got me there Virginia. I’m nothing more than a self-absorbed asshole, in love with myself.”
I look down at my hands, feeling guilty. “I didn’t mean it,” I say softly. “I’m sorry.”
Matthew groans. “God, and you take it back. The first good insult you’ve ever thrown my way and you take it back.”
I sit quietly, staring at my fingers.
“I swear Josie, sometimes I think you were plucked straight from a Disney Princess movie.”
I look up at him. “So I’m an optimist, so what? It’s better than being mad at everything all the time.”
It was a dig, but not one strong enough for Matthew to take notice too.
“Look Josie, I know it’s hard for you to understand, but shit happens. Friends fall out, couples break up, marriages fall apart. People leave. It’s just the way life goes.”
“So that’s it? People just always leave? You chalk humanity up to a bunch of quitters and call it a day?”
He shrugs. “It’s just the way it is.
”
This conversation is getting to me. It’s making me think of my parents. My Mom dying. My Dad leaving. And now Cammy.
“You’re wrong,” I argue, tears pricking at my eyes.
Matthew sighs, taking another bite. “Whatever you say.”
My body is buzzing in frustration, anger, memories. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know my life. He doesn’t know what these words mean to me.
I pull his sweater off and drop it next to him, standing. Suddenly the entire table goes silent, all eyes on me.
“I’ve um.. I’ve got to go. Nice to see you all.”
I turn on my heels, making the most pathetic exit of my life. Arms still crossed over my chest, tears pricking at my eyes, I rush to the door. I hear Thomas’s voice before I get there.
“What the fuck did you do?” He asks Matthew.
I push through the door and step outside. The cold air is refreshing and my legs ache to go for a walk, get some of this stress out. I pause, not knowing where I am. I look around, trying to find a street I recognize. I decide my best bet is to go towards the theater and find my way home from there. I haven’t even made it across the street when I hear a pair of feet jogging up behind me.
“What the hell are you doing?” Matthew asks.
“Go away Matthew. I want to be alone.”
He pulls on my arm, making me face him.
“Have you lost your mind? It’s nearly Midnight and it’s freezing out here. You were just going to walk home in the cold, in the dark, alone? That was your master plan?”
“Stop Matthew,” I sniffle. He’s being mean again and I have no energy for it.
He holds out his sweater to me. “Put it on Josie.”
“I’m-”
“Josie, put the damn sweater on.”
I take the sweater out of his hands and slide my arms through it again.
“I got the keys to the Jeep,” he says, showing me the key ring. “Just let me drive you home.”
“I’m fine walking.”
Matthew runs his hand through his hair. “Damn it Josie!” He shouts. “Why does it always have to end in a Goddamn fight!”
“You think I like this?” I return. “I hate fighting with you! But you’re wrong!”
“Oh Jesus,” he groans. “You’re back to that, really?!”
And for some reason, that’s it. I snap.
“Yes I’m back to that!” I shout. I feel my cheeks heating in anger. “You think I don’t know that people leave?!”
My hands come out in front of me and shove Matthew. He’s surprised and backs up a few steps.
“My Mom left me!”
I shove him again, more force in my hands.
“My Dad left me!”
My palms meet his chest again, harder, putting all my weight into it. I’m barely moving him at all. He backs up about one step every time.
“Cammy-” I start, shoving him again. It takes all the wind out of my sails. Cammy is going to leave me. My hands lose their strength, my body losing it’s anger. Slowly, I fall forward into Matthew. My fingers grip the soft cotton fabric of his shirt on the back. I break, latching onto Matthew’s shirt and I cry. I feel his body go stiff. He’s in shock, confused. But slowly, his arms loop around me and hold me close, his palms rubbing soft soothing circles against my back, letting me cry against his chest. The exhaustion, both physical and mental gets the best of me. And he just holds me there in the middle of the street, brushing his hands over my back.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers.
I sniffle, waiting for my tears to stop. They do, but I stay against Matthew a little while longer.
“It’s okay,” I say against him. He didn’t know. I never told him. There’s no way he could have known that this topic would affect me the way it did.
“No,” he whispers. “It’s not.”
There’s a moment of silence between us and I pull out of his arms. I look at the ground, wiping my eyes and shuffling my feet awkwardly.
“Please let me take you home?” He asks.
I nod my head. I need rest. I need my apartment. I need my bed. Matthew and I walk to the Jeep and have a quiet ride to my apartment. As he pulls up to the apartment he looks over at me.
“Are you okay? Do you want me to come inside or something?”
I shake my head no. “I’m fine, I just need rest. I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
“Josie wait-”
I get out of the car, closing the door shut before he has a chance to finish. I don’t know what’s going through his head right now, but I hardly have the energy to care.
Chapter 15
Matthew Steele.
Today’s the first day in a while that my schedule is completely clear. I’ve got no practice, no games, no class, and no tutoring. I sleep in late and decide I’ll hit the gym. Dressed in my work out clothes, I go to the kitchen to grab a water bottle. Chris and his new girlfriend Ariana are sitting on the couch, talking.
“Morning,” Chris says.
I throw up a hand as a greeting, ignoring them on my mission to the fridge.
“Where are you going?” He asks.
“Gym,” I respond simply. I get my water from the fridge and grab my keys off of the counter. I head to the door, swinging my keys on my finger.
“See ya,” Chris calls.
I hold up my hand again as another greeting, bye this time.
* * *
Dripping wet with sweat and starving, I find myself walking to The Burger Joint. It’s Josie’s sweet voice that greets me with a ‘Hi, welcome’ when I walk in. I find my seat at the counter, waiting as Josie fills up someone’s coffee. A minute later, she comes over to me with a menu.
“Hey,” she says.
I nod my head to her. “Can I get a water? I just came from the gym and I already finished my only bottle.”
“Yeah,” she replies. “One sec.”
She disappears into the kitchen and comes back a minute later with a tall glass of ice water.
“Thanks,” I say, taking a big gulp.
I notice she’s staring at me and I look down at the menu, then back up at her. It’s a little uncomfortable since our last encounter. Seeing a movie with her was fun as shit until we got into an argument and I fucking made her cry. I felt like a piece of shit after that. She revealed some things to me. Her Mom leaving, her Dad leaving… I don’t know what it means, but it still makes me feel like shit.
“Sorry, I didn’t know you were working today,” I say, thinking she feels uncomfortable.
She shakes her head. “No, I’m glad you’re here. There’s actually something I wanted to tell you and I wanted to tell you in person.”
“Shoot,” I say, taking a sip from my water.
“So I’m… I’m gonna miss tutoring tomorrow. I can’t make it.”
I shift in my seat. “Why?”
“I have to help Cammy move into this new treatment center. Stick around for a while as she settles in.”
“Oh… okay. We can just reschedule.”
She shakes her head. “No, that’s just it. I’m gone for the whole week. I won’t be back until Monday next week.”
“What?” I ask, annoyed.
“I know, it’s a pain. I had to get work off and get all my classwork from my teachers. It’s not great, but it’s just what I have to do.”
She’s going to be gone for five days?
“We only have two weeks left before semester is over,” I say.
“I know-”
“My final is next week.”
“I know Matt-”
“Then what the hell Josie?”
Why am I so mad? Josie’s eyes flicker in anger themselves.
“What do you want me to say? Trust me, I don’t like it either, it’s coming out of my paycheck. But I have to do this. I can call you and study with you that way.”
“That way doesn’t work for me and you know it,” I snap.
She shakes her head at me. “Matthew, my
dying sister will always come before your damn bio grade, okay? I’m sorry if you don’t like it but that’s the way it is.”
Shit. She’s totally right. I’m doing a fine job of fucking up here.
“Well I-”
“Excuse me,” she says, interrupting me. “I have to go help another table.”
I look around the restaurant. A small family just walked in and took their seats.
“Is there anything else I can get you?” She asks. Cool, calculated. Like she’s just my server.
“No.”
She turns and walks away to go serve the family. Pissed, I get up and walk out of the diner, making my way back to the apartment.
Each step I get more and more pissed. I’m not even sure where the origin of my anger is. At first, I think it’s because I won’t get her help for tutoring. I won’t get to see her until next week. But then it comes from how bad I want to see her. And why do I want to see her? And then I’m mad at letting myself get closer to her, letting myself feel that way. I’m angry at the whole damn world. I’m angry that my nightmares about my mother are getting worse. I’m angry that I’m so damaged from her, so haunted by her.
Chris and Ariana haven’t moved from their spot on the couch when I get inside the apartment. Chris hooks an arm over the back of the couch, looking at me.
“How was the gym?” He asks.
“Fine,” I reply, opening the fridge, still angry. I should have just gotten something to eat at the damn diner, but now I’m here and hungry.
“How was Josie?” He asks.
I slam the fridge shut. “She’s great.”
I turn back to see both Chris and Ariana looking at me.
“How did you even know I was going to see her?” I ask, angrily.
He quirks a brow at me and laughs. “You usually don’t come home from the gym pissed off.”
“Fuck off,” I snap, not liking that he’s right, and not liking that he’s finding it funny.
This just makes him laugh more and I storm into my room, slamming the door behind me. I sit on the edge of my bed, putting my head in my hands. The door opens and I look up as Chris comes in, no longer smiling.