by Hanna Ruthie
I stand and Josie rises with me. She takes my hand in hers as we make the slow walk up to the front. I can’t breathe. This is torture. I don’t want to see him. But I need to see him. When his face comes into view I freeze. I can’t move anymore, I won’t. I can feel the hot tears stinging my eyes.
“Okay,” Josie says, pulling on my hand, tugging me away. She only allowed me to look for a few seconds. “You saw him. You did right by your heart.”
I stumble into the closet pew.
“Josie,” I croak. “Josie, Josie-”
“I’m here,” she says. She squeezes my hand. I drop my forehead against her shoulder.
“He was so young,” I breathe. His face, I only saw it for a few seconds but… it was so young.
“My God Matthew,” she says. “To see you in this much pain, it hurts. Tell me what I can do to take it away, please.”
There’s nothing more she can do. Nothing besides what she’s already doing.
“You’re doing it already, just keep doing it.”
She scratches my back, just as she did last night, trying to comfort me. I let her soothe me, sitting in shock, haunted by the young lifeless face I just saw. I don’t know how long I cry but at some point it stops. The burial is in two hours and for the entire time I stay in that pew next to Josie. I don’t stay in the same position. I sit forward and I lean back, and in those moments she rests her head on my shoulder, brushing her fingers over my hand. The entire church is quiet, everyone lost in thoughts and memories. When it comes time for the burial, we all stand and make our way out onto the field. It’s another hour of preparation, silence, thought, prayers, and words from the priest. I feel numb as I watch the casket lowered. The Stevens offer me, Ray, and Will the opportunity to throw the first handfuls of dirt over his coffin. After that it’ll be shoveled or bulldozed in by the funeral grounds. I release Josie’s hand to step forward, grabbing a fistful of dirt. I shut my eyes for a moment and then toss it slowly over the coffin, wishing him only peace and rest. Ray and Will follow suit and we all stand there as the priest says a few words for Clay. When it’s all over, everyone goes on their way slowly, leaving in solemn moods. Mr. and Mrs. Stevens drop a rose on top of his coffin and then walk back to their car. It’s time for them to find a way to live on without him. Josie comes over to me. I’m still stuck, frozen in place, Ray and Will a couple feet away.
“Hey,” she whispers, finding my hand. “I’m going to catch a ride back to the hotel. I’ll let you guys catch up.”
I nod at her, pulling her close for a moment to kiss the top of her head.
“Thanks,” I whisper. “I’ll see you later.”
She gives me a smile and heads off, down the same path as all the others. How long the three of us stand there, I don’t know. Long enough for the sun to set over the horizon. For dusk to settle in. Will is the first one to speak.
“We’ve got to move,” he says.
I nod my head, staring down at the casket. Ray takes the first steps. Will follows behind him. Ray pats me on the shoulder, getting me moving. These two eighteen year olds, stronger than me. How ironic it is that they’re now the ones watching me. We walk down a few blocks to a quiet diner. It’s dark out now, but the sky is clear and the stars shine bright. For a few minutes, we sit there in the diner in silence. And then, Ray begins to speak. He tells a story about him and Clay. One that makes us all laugh. Will is up next, and gives his best memory. And then I do. All three of us laugh, enjoying his memory the way we should. We order food and drinks. We eat. We relax. We do what we would do if Clay were here. And as we do it, it feels like he is. This is how he lives on. In us. Through us. With us. We sit there for hours. Eight O’clock turns to nine and then ten. The food is good, conversation better, and company best. This is what we all needed. Our conversation switches to college. Both of the teenagers are attending their first semester at University. Ray’s studying at a school in Michigan and Will’s studying here at a prestigious University in Chicago. We share more stories and I tell them about my own University in Connecticut, filling them in on how Johnny’s doing.
“He really wanted to come,” I tell the guys. “But his Mom came to visit, check in on him after he found out about Clay. Apparently she got hurt slipping on some ice. He couldn’t leave her.”
“Tell him not to sweat it,” Will replies. “Better he take care of his Mom.”
“Speaking of…” Ray begins. “Matty, you heard from your Mom?”
I tense up immediately, shifting in my chair. “Not since I left.”
She’s probably dead. Or in some crack house strung out.
“How long has it been?” Will asks.
“Since I left?” I think back to the moment I realized she was lost to me. “Three years.”
Ray whistles low. “That’s too bad man.”
I shrug, taking a long pull from my beer. Will stirs the ice in his water glass around.
“At least your girl seems nice,” he adds.
I nod, setting my beer down. “She is. She’s great.”
If there’s one thing today has shown me, it’s that. She is great. I realize I’ve just responded to her being called my girl. She isn’t. Not really. We haven’t even kissed.
“Her name’s Josie?” Ray wonders.
I nod.
Will smiles. “I’m glad you’ve got her man. She took good care of you today.”
Yes, she did. She really, really did. She deserves a fucking gold star for everything she did today.
“I don’t deserve her at all,” I admit, swirling my beer around in it’s bottle. “But she sticks around me for some reason so… I don’t know. I guess she sees something in me.”
“A fucking champ is what she sees,” Ray responds.
I chuckle, finishing the last sip of my beer. I’m not having another tonight. I don’t want to come back to Josie a mess.
“I should probably get back to her soon,” I say. “She’ll wait up for me even though she knows I don’t want her to.”
Will smiles. “Sounds like a good girl Matty. Don’t let her go.”
I don’t intend to. Not in the slightest.
Chapter 23
Josie Virginia.
The door creaks open and the light from the hallway illuminates Matthew’s tall figure slipping in.
“Are you asleep?” He asks.
“No,” I reply. “I was waiting ‘till you got back.”
“I’m back,” he announces, kicking off his shoes. I watch as he pulls out his tie, shrugs off his blazer and unbuttons his shirt. Thankfully, about halfway down the buttons, he grabs his things and heads into the bathroom. I hear the water running as he takes a long shower. Now that he’s back, I settle into bed. I’m exhausted. It’s been a really long day. After the burial, I took a cab into the city. I walked around a bit, only the good parts, looking in little shops for something to bring back to Cammy. I decided upon a snow globe. A small one that has a little replica of the city inside. But something else caught my eye on the way out. There were a few stands that had names written on keychains. Each stand held keychains in the shapes of some sport. Names written over soccer balls, baseballs, basketballs. I went over to the stand and looked around a little. No Josephine, but I wasn’t surprised. I usually don’t make the keychain stands. There was a Mathew, but it was spelled differently, with only one ‘T’. I spun the stand around. There was no Cammy, but a Cameron, which I considered picking up for a moment. But then, something else in the C’s caught my eyes. Clay. I thought ‘surely, it can’t be’. Of all the unique names, this is the one that they had. I picked it up immediately and took it with me when I checked out.
Now, the little bag of goodies sits on my nightstand. I stare at it as my eyes become heavy with sleep. It’s late. Matt was out for a long time with his old friends. I hope that they had a good talk. The bathroom door opens and steam billows out with Matthew.
“Are you asleep?” He whispers.
“Almost,” I yawn.
<
br /> He closes the bathroom door and makes his way over to the bed in the dark.
“Long day huh?” He asks, slipping in under the covers.
I turn over so I’m facing him. “Mmhmm.”
He looks over at me and smiles. “The talk with Ray and Will went really well.”
“That’s good,” I reply.
Matthew rolls to his side so he’s facing me. Now, we’re facing each other, just a foot of space between us.
“Thank you for today,” he whispers.
“Of course,” I reply. “I’m glad we got through it.”
We. We got through it. Together.
One of my hands rests right between us and Matthew’s hand comes up, stroking against my knuckles.
“You made today so much better,” he says. “I owe you big time.”
He owes me huh?
“You know, my birthday’s in a couple weeks,” I yawn.
“Interesting…”
I smile and close my eyes, unable to keep them open. I scoot a little closer to Matthew. Close enough for him to lean forward and press a long kiss to my forehead.
“Get some rest, sleepy girl,” he whispers.
I smile at his words and just like that, I’m out.
* * *
When I wake up in the morning, my back is warm, completely covered. It only takes me a minute to realize Matthew and I are spooning. I’m pressed tight to his body, everywhere from my shoulders down is completely shadowed by Matthew. One of his arms is underneath my head, acting as a pillow, and the other one is covering my arm, draped over my body. I smile, relishing in the feeling. Matthew’s breaths are still steady and his body is frozen, letting me know he’s still asleep. I don’t dare move a muscle, so I close my eyes, drifting back to rest. I don’t fall asleep again, not completely, but I’m in the inbetween, not quite asleep or awake. It must be an hour later that Matthew shifts slightly, nuzzling his chin into my neck. The action makes me stir a little and I push back, wiggling impossibly closer to him. This action however, seems to stir something in Matthew. He presses back against me, and his lips brush against my shoulder. My heart begins to race.
“Matthew?” I ask, seeing if he’s awake.
There’s no response, but his lips still.
“Matt?” I ask again, a little louder this time.
“Hmm?” He asks sleepily.
I curse inwardly. I woke him up. I close my mouth, praying he’ll go back to sleep.
“What is it?” He asks, groggy.
“Nothing,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.”
He nuzzles his chin into my neck again, making me giggle lightly. The sound however, wakes him more, and he begins to stir behind me. As he wakes up, he realizes, as I did, the position we’re in. He pulls his head away from my neck.
“Is this okay?” He whispers.
I nod my head. “It’s fine.”
It’s more than fine. It’s perfect.
He relaxes again, resting his chin back in the crook of my neck.
“Are you the mastermind behind this?” He asks.
I laugh lightly. “I might be.”
He chuckles against me.
This is so wonderfully strange. It’s so far from friendship. Friends don’t cuddle, not like this. This is more. But I don’t think either one of us knows how to approach it, and neither one of us wants to spoil the moment with a ‘what are we’ talk either. So instead we’re just letting it unfold, figuring out boundaries as we go I guess.
“Don’t we have to check out?” I ask Matthew, worried that something will interrupt this little slice of heaven.
“No,” he whispers. “Not ‘till later.”
“That’s good,” I reply.
After a few more minutes, I feel a little more awake.
“Should I get us breakfast?” I ask.
Matthew’s grip on me tightens. “Stop fidgeting would you? I’m trying to sleep.”
I smile, closing my eyes again.
“It’s still early,” he whispers. “Breakfast isn’t even up yet. Go back to sleep.”
“I can’t,” I admit. I’m too excited.
Matthew chuckles. “Well I can. So you’re just going to be trapped for a while.”
“Okay,” I reply quickly, completely happy with being held his prisoner. I lay there for a moment, but my body’s on fire. I can’t stop thinking about the way he feels behind me. His arms are so huge, swallowing me. His chest so warm. I want to see him. His face. I roll over in his arms. Matthew adjusts sleepily, his eyes still closed. His arms stay draped over me, hooking under my arm and pulling me tighter. He looks so peaceful in slumber right now and I wish I could be as relaxed as he is. I’m way too jumpy, a ball of nerves bouncing around inside me. Matthew’s hair is tousled and sexy as sin. And his mouth is closed, his scruff so alluring. He’s so close. Just taunting me.
Unable to stop myself, I lean forward, kissing the corner of his mouth. I make it soft and short, but it’s foolish nonetheless. Foolish because it makes me want to do it again, it makes me want to do it more.
His eyes open and he looks at me with a heavy gaze. I almost can’t distinguish if it’s lust or sleepiness. His eyes sink down to my lips and when he looks up at my eyes again I recognize it as lust- definitely lust.
“Tease,” he grumbles.
I smile. He has no idea. I lean in, kissing the corner of his mouth again, leaving my lips a little longer this time.
“Josie,” he groans, once I pull away.
I run my hands down his chest. “Okay,” I say, my breaths coming light and quickly. “I’ll stop,” I whisper, more to convince myself than anything else.
I turn my back to him again, knowing that if I stay the way I am, I will kiss him. And once I start down that path, I don’t know if there’s any going back. I close my eyes, forcing myself to calm down.
He nudges his chin back into the crook of my neck, getting comfortable. I can tell when he’s asleep again, and the rhythm of his breathing puts me to sleep fast against him.
* * *
“Josie?” Matthew mumbles. His hand reaches out for me in bed and hits my knee. I’m sitting against the headboard, watching a Blue Planet special.
“Morning,” I say, looking down at him.
He rubs his eyes open. “What time is it?”
“Eleven.”
He sighs, sinking back down in bed. “We have to be out of here by twelve.”
“I know. Alex told me.”
Matthew grumbles something and pulls the sheets over his head, presumably to block out the light. I push his shoulder lightly.
“Come on, you can’t be tired. You slept late.”
He sighs, pulling the sheet back down. “Did you bring me anything from breakfast?”
I look down at him, amused. “Well aren’t you spoiled. No, I didn’t bring you anything. You snooze, you lose.”
Matthew frowns. “But I’m hungry.”
I roll my eyes at him, the big baby.
“We can eat down the street. I saw a little cafe.”
“Okay,” he replies, yawning and stretching out beside me. I’ve already packed up all my stuff and changed so I’m ready to go. I stare at the television, enchanted with the show.
“Why do you look so happy?” Matthew asks me. “It’s just the ocean.”
My mouth falls open as I turn to look at him.
“You know I’m a Marine Bio major right?”
He shakes his head. “What’s that mean, you wanna work for Seaworld or something?”
“No. I’ll have you know I actually disapprove of Seaworld. What it means is that I love the ocean, and all of it’s creatures and plants. And I love oceanography.”
Matthew snorts. “You’re making up words.”
“I am not! I mean it Matt! I love everything about the ocean. I could live by the beach forever or work at an aquarium ‘till my last dying breath.”
“You’re serious?” He asks, raising his brow to me.
I smac
k his shoulder. “Yes I’m serious!”
He shakes his head at me, laughing. “What a nerd.”
I turn the volume up, ignoring his taunting. He stands from bed, collecting his things and shoving them in his bag. He goes into the bathroom and comes back out changed.
“Hey,” he says. “Don’t forget the bag on the nightstand.”
“I won’t,” I reply, still captured with the television program.
He swings his bag over his shoulder. “What’s in there anyways?”
I look at him. A tight black T-shirt shows off his arms, blue jeans on his legs. He still hasn’t shaved, and his scruff is getting thicker, or maybe just more alluring to me. I turn of the TV and swing my legs over the side of the bed so I’m sitting. I pat on the spot next to me, a wordless signal asking Matthew to come over. Matthew drops his bag and comes to sit by me. I pull the small gift bag into my lap.
“Yesterday, after the burial, I went into the city, to find something for Cammy.”
I pull out the snow globe and show him. He takes it from my fingers, shaking it around so the snow falls gently.
“She doesn’t get out much, so I thought she’d like this. It sorta shows the city.”
Matthew nods, handing it back to me. “That’s sweet Jos.”
I place the snow globe back in the bag and grab the keychain. I keep it in my fist, putting the bag back on the nightstand.
“I got something for you too,” I say softly. My nerves are in my throat, my heart is on my sleeve.
Matthew stares at me for a second, his eyebrows pinched in question.
“Hold out your hand.”
Matthew does as I ask, holding up his massive palm in the air. I drop the keychain against him carefully. I watch his reaction as he picks it up, examining it. I notice when he swallows, his Adam’s-apple sliding against his throat. In the light, the name Clay shimmers against the small basketball.
“I-I thought maybe you could put it in, you know, with your car keys,” I suggest, suddenly very nervous.