by Hanna Ruthie
“Harper, do you mind if I steal Josie here?” He asks.
She shakes her head, glancing at our intertwined fingers. “Be my guest.”
I wave goodbye to her with my free hand and follow Matthew as he leads us to his truck.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“I’m taking you home.”
Bummed to be out of time with him so quickly, I tug on his hand, stopping him.
“Wait,” I say. “Can we walk around a little bit? Or sit and talk?”
“What do you wanna talk about?” He asks, shuffling nervously. He seems… anxious.
“I don’t know. The game or… anything really.”
His eyes watch me and then slowly slide away. “Sure I guess.”
I step closer to him, sensing something’s off. “What’s the rush Matthew? I just want to get some more time with you.”
He releases a long breath, lost in his thoughts. After some time, he tugs on my hand. “Sure, we can walk,” he says.
We begin back down the street, away from his truck. I wish he would let me into his thoughts. Let me know what’s going on inside that head of his.
“The game was great,” I say, trying to start a conversation.
He nods his head in response, still looking away from me and off into the dark street. We walk in silence for a while, nothing but the sound of our feet hitting the pavement.
“Matthew,” I start cautiously. “Is everything okay?”
He looks over at me and nods. “Everything’s fine.”
I bite my lip, not wanting to pester him about it. “It’s just… you’re acting a little strange.”
He looks over at me, finally. “Am I? Sorry, there’s just a lot on my mind.”
“Like?”
He glances down at me and then looks away. “I…uh, I don’t really want to talk about it Jos.”
I nod my head slowly. That’s fine too.
“Matthew…” I stop walking. He comes to a halt beside and looks down at me. My insecurities are stuck in my throat and I try my best to swallow them down.
“What is it Josie?” He asks.
I chew on my lip nervously, glancing up at him. “I… I’m different, right? From all the other girls you’ve…”
Matthew watches me carefully and moves closer to me. “Yeah,” he says softly. “You’re different Jos. You’re… you’re special.”
“Special…” I repeat the word. “To you?”
He nods his head. “Yeah, to me. But also, just in general.”
I smile and blush at his sweet words, and they have my heart opening up to him, revealing more. “Can I tell you something?” I ask quietly.
Matthew reaches out, I think, sensing my vulnerability. Brushing a piece of hair behind my ear, he nods his head. “Of course Jos.”
I shuffle a little bit, releasing several long breaths to prepare myself.
“Remember when you had a b-black eye?” I ask.
I curse myself for my nervous stutter, swallowing in hopes to keep it down. Matthew nods his head slowly.
“I-I… had a black eye once,” I say softly.
I’m speaking so softly that Matthew must be straining to hear me, so he steps closer to me. He looks down at me confused, with a million questions on his face. I can only imagine what’s going through his mind. A black eye? What was it from, a sports incident? Why does she seem so afraid to tell me?
I feel so… fragile. I don’t know if Matthew knows that he has the power to break me. His hands find my shoulders and rub up and down slowly, trying to comfort me as he waits for me to continue. I have to just bite the bullet now. Rip the bandaid off. Just spit it out! I swallow nervously.
“It was my Dad,” I say.
He freezes in place, trying to fit the two pieces of information together. I can feel him as he stares at me for a minute. My eyes bore into his chest, afraid to look up at his face and gage his reaction.
“Did you say your Dad did it?” He asks, verifying.
I nod slowly and with that motion, Matthew’s hands drop from my shoulders, slowly curling into fists. He’s angry. Suddenly I’m out of breath, not knowing how to say all of this. I look up at Matthew’s eyes, dark and stormy. He’s pissed. Maybe more so than I’ve ever seen him.
“Matthew,” I say, getting his attention. When his eyes find mine they soften. I continue with my story.
“He was cheating on my Mom I think… or maybe… maybe it was just a kiss. I don’t know. But h-he had lipstick on his collar, and I asked him about it, and he got so mad Matthew. He said I couldn’t tell Mom but I… I couldn’t keep that from her. And we started fighting and then… I guess he just snapped.”
“Jesus…” That’s all Matthew says. I surge onward.
“My Mom found out, kicked him out. He lives in Tokyo now. Doing business. I haven’t talked to him for years.”
“I… Josie… I don’t know what to say,” he replies.
I look up at him for a brief moment and shrug. “It’s okay,” I reply. I look down to reach out for his hand. His fingers uncurl from their fist and slide through mine. I squeeze his hand lightly. “I just wanted to tell you.”
He tugs on my hand, pulling me into his chest. His other hand brushes over the back of my hair and he presses a kiss against the top of my head. His chest is warm and dark and safe. I press myself into him there, speaking a small, “Thank you.”
He has no response for me. Only another kiss to the top of my head, and then we walk back to his truck in silence.
* * *
Matthew pulls up to my apartment and parks his truck. I unbuckle my seatbelt and Matthew unbuckles his.
“It really was a great game,” I say.
He nods slowly. “I sort of wish you wouldn’t have come.”
The breath leaves my body, disappointment seeping into me. “What? Why?”
He looks over at me. “Because now, I’m going to wish you were there, in the crowd, at every game I play.”
“Oh,” is my soft reply. The disappointment flies away, quickly replaced with happiness as his words. Matthew looks down at his keys, still stuck in the ignition. His fingers run over the basketball I got him, the name Clay shining in the moonlight.
“I got you something,” Matthew says.
I turn to him in the car. Did I hear that correctly? Matthew Steele got something for me?
“You did? What for?”
“Your birthday,” Matthew says gruffly.
He reaches over me into the glove compartment and pulls out an envelope. He hands it to me and I finger it gently.
“Matt, you really didn’t have to-”
“Just open it,” he interrupts.
I look at him, covered by darkness. I can feel his nerves. He’s anxious, he’s nervous. His fingers grip the steering wheel tight as I look down at the envelope in my hand. My heart’s beating so hard, just at this. This gift, whatever it is, that Matthew got for me. A gift! For me! From Matthew! I struggle with it, ripping the top into bits, not wanting to destroy the envelope.
“It’s not that hard,” Matthew grumbles, moody. “Just rip the damn thing.”
“Relax,” I say, focusing on the paper. I bite down on my tongue as I focus on the envelope.
Matthew gets antsy watching me. He’s like a little boy, nervous and excited at the same time. Finally, I manage to get the envelope open. Carefully, I open it up, my fingers reaching inside gently. I pull out two slips of paper, holding them in my fingers.
“I can’t read them,” I comment.
Matthew reaches across me to turn on the cabin light above me. The light shines down on the pieces of paper, two tickets in my hands. I gasp loudly when I see them.
“The aquarium?!” I gasp.
Matthew reaches over and turns the light off, hiding in the darkness.
“Yeah,” he says. “I know you like fish and shit so…”
I giggle. “Fish and jellyfish and… ooh! Do you think they’ll have corals?!”
&
nbsp; Matthew snorts a laugh. I see him drop his head back against the headrest.
“You’re such a dork.”
“I know,” I admit with a happy sigh. “But this… this is a great present Matthew. Thank you so much.”
His shoulders lift with a shrug in the darkness. “It’s whatever. I thought maybe you could bring your sister or something.”
I look down at the other ticket in my hand. I thought it was for him.
“Oh I…” I trail off.
“What?” He asks.
“No, nothing. It’s just… my sister can’t really leave the treatment center. Maybe a couple of times a year but it’s not… you know, recommended. I’d have to sign a bunch of paperwork and even then it’s a risk…”
“Shit, I didn’t know,” he replies quietly.
“No, no! It’s okay! I thought maybe you could come with me instead?” I ask, being brave.
“Me?”
“Yeah you.” I laugh nervously. “I mean if you want.”
He shrugs again. “I’ll see if I can take off practice.”
“Really? You will?” I ask, glowing with happiness.
Matthew runs his hand through his hair. “Yeah Jos, I will.”
I squeak in happiness and throw my arms around him in a hug. He chuckles, hugging me back.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
He shrugs. “It’s no big deal Josie.”
I pull away slowly and something just comes over me. Matthew smells so good, like clean mint and fresh air. And he was so kind to do this. And my heart is slamming against my chest, my body warm where he touches me. I lean forward, kissing the corner of his mouth.
When I pull away, Matthew’s eyes are on me, grey and dark.
“Josie,” he groans. “What are you doing?”
“Shh. Just let me,” I whisper.
I lean forward again, kissing him on the corner of the lips and then straight on the mouth. It’s a soft kiss, but I feel brave doing it and it spurs me on. I kiss him again, deeper this time. My lips part against his. This is a real kiss. One where our lips are gliding between each others, touching softly, eagerly.
“Josie,” he breathes against me. His hands dive into my hair, keeping me close. He kisses me back with more power and I whimper, goosebumps exploding on my arms. A chill shakes it’s way down my spine at the same time a bolt of lighting snaps through my body. I’m like a live wire, sparks flying off me. And when his tongue brushes against me, I moan.
“Christ Josie,” he groans, pulling away.
“No,” I mumble. “Don’t stop.”
I lean forward, kissing him again, this time, letting my tongue brush against his. He groans, his hands sliding down my neck, my shoulders, my arms to my waist. They plant themselves there, and then, when our tongues touch again, they slide up my stomach and ribs until they’re hesitating at the curve of my breast. Just as I think he’s going to do it, touch me, he breaks the kiss, pulling away. His hands find my jaw again, running his thumbs over my cheeks.
“We shouldn’t,” he says.
I pull back a little bit, biting my lip. His hands brush down my shoulders and arms again until they find my fingers and they lock in with them.
“Why not?” I ask.
“You know why not.”
“No I don’t,” I pout.
Matthew groans, shutting his eyes and shaking his head.
“Josie, you have no idea what you do to me.”
“I just wanted to say thank you… for the tickets.”
It’s true, but it’s also not the complete truth. In reality, that kiss was much more than a thank you. That kiss was my heart coming out. That kiss was my body wanting his.
“The tickets are no big deal,” he replies.
I squeeze his hand. “They are to me.”
Even in the dark, I can see him smile. “Okay,” he whispers.
He leans over and presses a kiss to my cheek. Then, as if he’s embarrassed, he looks out onto the street.
“Matthew Steele, did you just kiss me on the cheek?”
“Shut up,” he grumbles.
I laugh, squeezing his hand.
“Imagine if your team saw you now,” I giggle.
Matthew huffs, actually huffs. “Don’t even joke.”
I laugh again, poking him in the side. “You’ve very temperamental you know.”
He sniffles once, looking unamused.
“Temperamental means-”
“I know what temperamental means Josie, I’m not a fucking idiot.”
“Okay okay, don’t bite my head off,” I say.
Matthew looks down, brushing his thumb over the back of my hand.
“Do you think I’m an asshole?” He asks softly. It’s as if he’s tapping into his emotional side. Looking for validation, for comfort, for support.
“Do you think I would have kissed you if I thought you were an asshole?”
He looks up at me and shrugs. I tilt my head, looking at him, seeing him for what he is- a lost little boy.
“No Matthew. I don’t think you’re an asshole. I actually think you’re pretty sweet.”
His lip curls in a small smile. “Only you Josie Virginia, would call me sweet.”
“Oh come on,” I say, nudging him playfully. “I’m sure your Mom called you sweet a time or two.”
Matthew goes frigid. His hand stiffens in mine and he releases it from my grip. He looks out the window, wiping his hands on his jeans.
“Shoot,” I say. “I hit a sore spot didn’t I?”
He opens his mouth and I wait for the other shoe to drop. I wait for something mean and cold to come out of his mouth. I wait for this whole moment to be ruined. But he shuts his mouth and shakes his head. Eventually he clears his throat.
“Yeah,” he croaks.
I touch his arm gently. “You went somewhere dark there for a second huh?”
He swallows and nods his head. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he says.
“Okay,” I say softly. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
He looks down at his hands. “I have practice early tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I nod. “I’ll let you go.”
I open the door and Matthew looks over at me.
“Goodnight Jos,” he says.
“Goodnight,” I reply, stepping out of the car.
I hold the tickets in my hand tightly and wave goodbye through the window. He waits until I get inside the building to drive away. As soon as I hear his ignition, I run to the window and watch his lights dim in the distance.
Chapter 26
Matthew Steele.
Josie is bouncing up and down like a little kid at the entrance of the aquarium.
“Are you excited?” Josie asks, looking over at me. Her smile must be 100 Watts it’s so bright.
I run my hand over my chin and nod slowly. “Yeah I guess.”
Josie squeals excitedly. “I’m so excited!” She says.
I snort a laugh. “Really? I couldn’t tell,” I reply sarcastically.
She turns to look at me, poking my arm with her finger. “No being mean today mister.”
I lean closer to her. “If you don’t want me to be mean, don’t call me things like mister.”
“Fine,” Josie pouts.
I watch her fake frown for a minute and release an exaggerated sigh.
“Fine. I’ll try not to be mean. No promises though.”
Next up in line, Josie squeals excitedly again.
“Thank you!” She says, and I’m honestly not sure if she’s talking to me, or the guy taking tickets.
He scans ours and lets us in. And then Josie becomes a pretty little doe-eyed angel. Every new thing she sees, it’s like she’s seeing it for the first time. You’d think this girl has been locked in a closet her whole life by the way she goes around, hands pressed up against the glass, oohing and ahhing at every little thing aquatic. And it pumps my ego too. I’m the one that brought her here. Yeah it’s the fish and
eels and octopus that are making her happy, but I’m still the one that brought her here.
Josie drags me along to exhibit after exhibit no matter how small it is. And she stops to read the little plaque of facts next to every single one. While Josie goes ahead, distracted by something, I stop at an exhibit for a rockfish, watching the grumpy little guy stay low by his rocks.
“Matt come over here!” Josie calls.
I don’t take my eyes off the little guy, instead calling back, “You go ahead, I’ll catch up to you.”
Not a minute passes when I feel Josie’s body slide up to mine. She stands close, tilting her head and watching the fish.
“I like him,” I admit.
Josie looks at me and giggles. Then she looks back down at the fish and smiles.
“He’s kinda like you, don’t you think?” She asks.
“How so?”
“Well he’s good at what he does. Hiding. Camouflage. Looking grumpy.”
I snort a laugh, watching Josie as she crouches in front of the exhibit.
“He seems lonely,” she says.
“He’s a fish Jos, he can’t be lonely.”
“Yes he can,” she disagrees. “He’s all on his own in here.”
She looks up at me. I crouch down beside her, watching the little guy, just staying by his rock.
“It’s his bachelor pad,” I comment.
Josie laughs. “That’s a good way to look at it.”
I watch her, watching the fish, and I can’t help the words from leaving my mouth.
“What do you think about him?”
Him… me.
Josie looks over at me, I think understanding what I’m asking. She looks back at the fish.
“I think he’s great,” she says softly. “I hope he’s not alone for long.”
My hand finds Josie’s and my fingers slide between hers, latching together, holding on tight.
“He’s not,” I reply, no longer even trying to hide who we’re really talking about. Josie looks over at me. Her lips are pink and full, and the freckles under her eyes look like Goddamn pixie dust. Her hazel eyes have a million different colors in them. And her eyes are looking at… my mouth. She wants me to kiss her. And God do I want to. I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. But I’m leaning in. My mouth brushes against hers, just a feather of a touch, and then…