Thorns Before Roses

by Hanna Ruthie

  The moment is broken with the sound of children screaming. Josie and I look over to see them playing tag, a tired mother snapping at them to try and get them to stop. Josie giggles at the rambunctious children and I silently thank them. Had I kissed her, really kissed her, that could have been bad… dangerous.

  Josie stands, squeezing my hand. She pulls me up with her and leads us forward.

  “Look look,” she says, charging forward with me in tow. She stops in front of a tank of jellyfish, eyes wide. “Aren’t they incredible?”

  I look at them for a few moments and nod. But when I look over at Josie, my chest hurts. Knots in my stomach tighten, my ribs ache, I can hear my pulse in my ears, my muscles tighten, my dick wakes up. It’s like just the sight of her dunks me in a tank of ice water. Every part of me comes to life. And everything I was thinking not a minute ago about dangerous flies to the wind. I grab Josie, my hands sliding into her hair, and I kiss her. A surprised little gasp leaves her mouth but I swallow it up, kissing her through the electricity that flies between us. Her kiss is tender, mine is hungry. Together it’s combustion. Her silky strands slide between my fingers as her tongue touches mine. I groan, she moans, and I pull away. We’re around children after all, we can’t be making those kinds of sounds.

  Josie’s eyes flutter open. “That was… wow.”

  I smile, letting my hands slide out of her hair.

  “I had to,” I say, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

  “Ohh,” she smiles. “So you like it when I talk jellyfish to you huh?”

  I laugh. I mean I really laugh. Harder than I’ve laughed in a long, long time.

  “You’re pretty funny,” I say, kissing the tip of her nose.

  She wiggles her nose, smiling.

  “I try.”

  Still chuckling, I find her hands and link mine in hers.

  “You’re pretty cute too.”

  This time she blushes. Her cheeks turn pink, her eyes flit to the ground. “Don’t tease Matt.”

  “Is it teasing if it’s true?” I ask, squeezing her hand.

  She squints up at me. “You really think I’m cute?”

  “Josephine Virginia, I think you’re a lot of things.”

  Cute. Sexy. Funny. Kind. Pretty. Independent. Strong. Caring.

  Josie shakes her head, smiling. “Who are you and what have you done with Matthew Steele?”

  “Oh he left the building when you started on about the jellyfish.”

  Josie laughs, the sound making my heart pump faster. Her eyes look over my shoulder and she gasps. She pulls me, racing over to a new exhibit.

  “Oh my God! Look how beautiful they are!” She says, crouching in front of an exhibit full of corals.

  “What’s the big deal? They’re just plants,” I say.

  Josie gasps and stands. “They are not ‘just plants’. They’re animals. They live and breathe and eat. And they keep everything around them alive!”

  She points to a little fish. “See that little fish? The coral is his home.”

  I smile at her. “Wow… you really love them don’t you?”

  “Of course! Coral reefs provide safety from predators, and they’re great nurseries to raise little fish and other sea creatures.”

  I laugh. “You’re such a nerd.”

  “Shut up,” she laughs, poking me in the side.

  She ogles the corals for a bit longer and then holds her hand out, wiggling her fingers impatiently. I smile, sliding my hand in hers. She leads us on through the aquarium, stopping when we arrive at the tide pools. She drops my hand, rolling up her sleeves. I feel like a pussy when my hand suddenly becomes cold. I shove both hands deep in my pockets. Josie moves around the tide pools, touching the starfish and shells and sea urchins, marveling at their feeling. I stand behind her the whole time, a little afraid of the ocean creatures. I’m actually jealous of the little bastards, getting her gentle touch. I want her to touch me like that.

  “Matt, feel this one,” she says, looking back at me.

  I shake my head no and her eyes drop to my hands, shoved deep into my pockets.

  “Matt! You have to touch them,” she says.

  “I’m fine just looking,” I say, eyeballing a furry little starfish.

  “You’re no fun,” Josie pouts.

  The employee who’s working the tide pools laughs lightly at us. “They won’t hurt you,” the employee says.

  “Nah that’s okay,” I reply. I look down at Josie. “I grew up in the inner city Jos, I’m afraid of anything that isn’t a cat, dog, rat, or pigeon.”

  She looks up at me, intrigued by this new information. “Inner city? Here in Connecticut? I didn’t know there were any inner cities here.”

  “No not here.”

  Josie pulls her hands out of the water, shaking them dry. Her eyes widen in understanding, putting the pieces together. “Oh, in Chicago then?”

  I nod my head.

  “So, since Johnny’s here…” she says, her mind already putting two and two together.

  “He moved after me. He got out.”

  Josie nods slowly, washing her hands at a small station with soap and then drying them off. She holds her hand out for me and greedily I take it. She walks slowly now, looking at me.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask.

  “Like what?”

  “Like I’m one of your little sea creatures to study,” I chuckle.

  She hums a little, leaning into me. “Well I can read up on my little sea creatures, learn lots and lots about them. But you Matthew Steele are an enigma. You are one tough nut to crack.”

  I squeeze her hand. “I don’t know Josie. You’re proving to be a very formidable secret extractor.”

  “Well I’m determined. Especially when it comes to big tough inner city basketball players.”

  “Ohh so I’m big and tough now huh?”

  “Yeah, and also a big softie who’s scared of starfish, and lets me cuddle into him and calls me cute.”

  I chuckle, shaking my head. “Man, if my teammates heard the way you talk to me…”

  “Well it’s true isn’t it?”

  I sniffle once, looking to the side. “Maybe.”

  Josie cackles gleefully. We continue walking until we reach a glass tunnel, filled with huge fish and sharks.

  “Wow,” Josie says softly.

  I hold her hand a little tighter, feeling a little claustrophobic around all the water.

  “If this breaks, I’m totally screwed,” I chuckle.

  “Well I think we all are,” Josie laughs. She points to a shark swimming over our heads. “I wouldn’t want to be around him if this thing broke.”

  I laugh, nodding my head. “No but I mean I’m really screwed.”

  “Why?” Josie asks.

  I clear my throat, suddenly a little self conscious. “I uh, I can’t swim. I never learned.”

  Josie’s expression is shock. “You never learned how to swim?!”

  “Nope. I never had the time or money or… a place to do it for that matter.”

  “Really? There were no pools or lakes or anything?”

  “Not where I lived…”

  “What was it like?” Josie asks, trying to pry more out of me.

  “Nice try Virginia. Not gonna happen.”

  Josie snaps her finger as if to say ‘darn’.

  “Hey I’ll make you a deal,” she says.

  “Go on,” I reply hesitantly.

  “If I buy you burgers next week, will you tell me the mystery of what it was like growing up?”

  I mull it over for a while and then scratch my head. “I don’t know Jos.”

  “Okay, how ‘bout I just buy us burgers and if it happens to come up, we can talk about it?”

  I squint at her, knowing she’s totally playing me. “Fine,” I mumble, really just wanting more plans for us waiting.

  “Yay,” Josie replies, putting a little skip in her step.

  We finish exploring t
he aquarium and then head out, getting back in the car while the sun sets.

  “This was really fun,” Josie says as I drive her home.

  “Yeah I had a good time,” I reply, turning onto her street.

  When I pull up to her apartment, Josie unbuckles her seat belt. Her hand hesitates at the door handle.

  “Would you… maybe… do you want to come in?”

  My God is it tempting. But luckily, my conscience kicks in. If I go inside, we’re going to kiss and then make out and then hook up. And I don’t think I can deal with that yet.

  “No that’s okay,” I reply. “I have a game tomorrow so I have to get up early for workouts. I should probably get back and go to sleep.”

  “Oh yeah! Of course!” Josie says.

  She’s so understanding. She’s so damn cheerful and happy about everything.

  “So burgers next week, I’ll call you,” She says.

  I nod my head. “I’ll be there.”

  “Okay,” she says softly.

  She opens the door, still hesitating. Then, quickly, she leans back in the car, and presses a kiss to my cheek. I stop her before she can slip away. My hands find her chin, pressing a slow kiss against her lips.

  “Happy Birthday,” I say against her.

  She smiles against me and leans in for another small peck. Then I release her, letting her pull away.

  “Goodnight,” she whispers, climbing out of the truck. I watch her as she gets inside her apartment and waves at me from the door. And it fucking hurts to drive away.

  * * *

  When I get home, I press my fingers into my jaw, massaging. My mouth actually fucking hurts from how much I’ve been smiling today. I open the fridge and grab a water. When I close it, the sound of the door opening floods inside. I find a seat at the counter when my roommates and teammates walk in.

  “Hey man,” Thomas nods. “Where you been all day?”

  Chris opens the fridge, grabbing a beer.

  “I was with Josie,” I reply gruffly.

  Chris shuts the fridge door. “Oh so that’s where you were all day? A study date?” He asks.

  I ignore him, drinking my water.

  “Where’d you guys go?” Thomas asks.

  I consider getting up and walking away, but something keeps me there. “The aquarium.”

  “Oooh,” Chris says loudly, annoying the shit out of me.

  “Fuck off Chris, it was for her birthday,” I snap.

  Thomas puts a hand up. “Wait wait, she invited you to the aquarium for her birthday?”

  I sigh, aggravated. “No. I bought her the tickets.”

  “Oh shit!” Chris yells.

  Oh Shit is right. I should have kept my damn mouth shut. Even Thomas looks shocked.

  Chris starts making sounds of a whip cracking. Thomas laughs and I roll my eyes.

  “We’re just friends,” I lie.

  Thomas gives me a look. “You’ve never spent that much money on us and we’re friends.”

  “Touché,” Chris adds.

  Shit!

  “You fuckers didn’t help me pass bio,” I return.

  Thomas nods slowly. “Soo, we’ll be seeing her around more?”

  “Fuck off you two,” I snap. “Enough with the twenty questions.”

  Chris begins making cat noises, meowing at me and shit. It sends Thomas into a fit of laughter and I stand up, going to my room and slamming the door like an immature fucking teenager.

  Chapter 27

  Josie Virginia.

  Matthew meets me inside the library just as I finish my tutoring session with Bruce.

  “Hey man,” Bruce says, tapping knuckles with Matthew.

  Matthew nods his head to Bruce and picks up my backpack, swinging it over his shoulder.

  “You ready to go?” He asks me.

  I nod, turning to Bruce. He’s staring at us with wide eyes, apparently shocked to see this behavior coming from Matthew.

  “Good work today Bruce. I’ll see you next week?”

  His eyes slide back to mine, still shocked. “Yeah, I’ll see ya.”

  Matthew and I head out of the library together.

  “You don’t have to carry my stuff,” I say, trying my best to hide the fact that I’m excited. Really excited. It seems like every time we go out I learn something new about him. Plus, we’ve kissed a few times now, and I don’t know what any of it really means, but I know that I love spending time with him.

  “It’s no problem,” he replies, adjusting the bag on his shoulder. He pulls his keys out of his pocket, unlocking the truck.

  “Hey,” he starts, “Do you Uber everywhere?”

  “Yeah. Or take the bus. Sometimes a cab.”

  “Even to the Hospital? Or treatment center?”

  I nod, watching Matthew’s eyebrows shoot up on his forehead.

  “What’s the big deal?” I ask, laughing.

  “It’s just… that must be costing you a lot.”

  “Yeah,” I admit. “But it’s cheaper than car payments.”

  Matthew begins walking again and I fall in step next to him. I let my hand swing by my side, hoping he’ll make a move. I’m not disappointed when his fingers slide between mine.

  “You know…” he starts, hesitantly. “I can always drive you… to the hospital.”

  I look up at him. “What about your busy schedule? If I recall correctly, you said something about you doing ‘class, workouts, practice, and a good party if you can fit one in’.”

  Matthew rolls his eyes. “Come on Jos, you know I didn’t mean that shit. That was before…”

  I nod my head. “Right, before.”

  Matthew bumps my arm with his own. “Quit giving me a hard time, would you? I’m trying to be nice here.”

  I laugh, squeezing his hand. “Okay, I’m sorry. All jokes aside, the offer is very very generous. But I couldn’t ask that of you.”

  “You’re not asking though, I’m offering.”

  This time I stop walking, tugging on his hand so he’ll stop with me. When he stops, he faces me, looking down at me, slightly confused. I stand up on my tip toes, pressing my lips against his. It’s just a small kiss, a light one, and I mean it as a thank you. He lets me kiss him, and when I feel his mouth begin to smile, I smile myself, stepping down and putting a little space between us again.

  “You’re really sweet to offer,” I say softly. “And I really appreciate it, but I don’t think I can take you up on it.”

  “Why not?” He asks, his smile turning into a frown.

  I release a heavy breath. “It’s kinda hard to explain, but… I try to keep that life away from this one. It’s just too heavy and too serious and I… I don’t want my time with you to be like that.”

  “Josie…”

  “I know it probably sounds totally cheesy, but that’s just the way I feel.” Nervous, I look down, shuffling my feet a little.

  “Hey,” Matthew says, stepping closer to me. He lifts my chin with his finger. “I get it. And for the record, it is cheesy, but it’s also pretty damn cute.”

  He presses his lips against mine. Another soft and slow moment. Another thank you. And I can’t help but smile. Matthew squeezes my hand, breaking the kiss.

  “Come on, let’s go eat.”

  * * *

  Matthew and I dig into our burgers from The Burger Joint, Johnny serving us again. This time, Matthew just sat down right next to me, leaving me little space next to his huge frame. A question pops into my mind as soon as I swallow my first bite.

  “So do you want to play for the NBA?” I ask.

  Matt swallows his bite and shrugs.

  “I’m not sure actually,” he replies. “I mean it’d be great, but it’s never really been my dream. Basketball has always been a means to an end. Don’t get me wrong, I love the sport, I couldn’t have played it this long if I didn’t love it, but I don’t know if the NBA is for me.”

  “So if not the NBA, then what?”

  He shrugs. “I’m a
business major, but I don’t really know what I can do with that.”

  “Maybe you should be a math teacher,” I say, nudging him in the side with my elbow.

  He snorts a laugh, taking a huge bite. I eat my own burger, thinking of the easiest way to approach the subject that’s been gnawing at me all week. I wait until we’re both done eating to bring it up.

  “So, you said before that basketball is what you played in your neighborhood growing up. Did you like it back then?”

  Matthew pauses, taking a sip of his drink. His body language shifts. He’s growing defensive. He’s just afraid to open up. Eventually, he speaks. Johnny comes over, picking up our empty plates.

  “Honestly, no. I hated it. I was always picked last. I wasn’t as good as some of the other guys. I was always better than Johnny here, but I was small potatoes in comparison to some of the older guys. And they didn’t like me either.”

  “Why not?” I ask, shifting in the booth so I’m facing him.

  “Because I was a little punk. I mean they respected me because they knew shit was tough for me, but they didn’t like me,” Matthew says.

  Johnny laughs. “Plus he was the only white kid around.”

  “Was he really?” I ask Johnny, taking information anywhere I can get it.

  Johnny nods. I look back at Matthew to see him shoot Johnny a look that tells him ‘get out of here’. Matthew, in his defensive mode, doesn’t like anyone telling his story for him. Johnny shakes his head at Matthew, rolling his eyes, and walks away with our things. Matthew’s leg starts bouncing under the table. I grab his hand, twining my fingers through his, trying to offer a little bit of support.

  “What else?” I ask.

  Matthew sighs. “I grew up in Chicago.”

  I pause. I already knew this. He grew up in Chicago. Inner city Chicago.

  “What was it like?” I press.

  He rolls his eyes. “It was fucking fantastic,” he says sarcastically.

  “Matthew,” I say softly. “Relax.”

  “What do you want me to act like Josie? Shit happened. I don’t go around asking all kinds of stuff about your deadbeat Dad, do I?”

  I freeze, releasing his hand. I angle myself straight, looking down at my fingers.