by Hanna Ruthie
“Hey Matt?” I call, heading out of the bathroom. I open the door to find him already spread out in my bed, shirtless. I blush at the sight. “There’s an extra toothbrush. I put it on the counter.”
“Cool,” he says, standing up. He strides to the bathroom and I stand there watching him, ogling him. He notices me staring while he’s brushing his teeth.
“Are you checking me out?” He asks, mouth full of toothpaste.
Knowing I’ve been caught, I react without thinking, slamming my bedroom door. I can hear him chuckling in the bathroom and I bury my head in my hands, embarrassed. I get under the covers, grateful that my bed is a queen and will fit both of us. Matthew comes in a minute later and slides in next to me.
“I’m beat,” he sighs.
I turn towards him, resting my hand against his chest. “Matthew, there’s something I have to tell you about the banquet…”
He turns on his side so we’re staring at each other. “Hmm?” He wonders, his hand searching for mine under the covers.
“I… I don’t really have anything to wear. Just that black dress I wore to the funeral.”
Matthew raises an eyebrow to me. “That’s what you’re worried about?”
“Well yeah, I-”
“Don’t even sweat it Josie.”
“But-”
He leans forward, interrupting me with a kiss. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “Get some rest.”
I listen to him, putting my head on his chest and shutting my eyes.
* * *
Something is happening. My eyes open to the sound of frantic breathing. It takes me a few seconds to wake up, confused with the sound. At first, I think that I may have left the TV on. But then, I realize how close the sound is.
“Mom? Mom is that you?” A voice asks.
I look over at Matthew. He’s trembling, and even in the moonlight I can see the sheen of sweat on his forehead. He breathes heavier, shaking harder now.
“Matthew,” I say, reaching out for him. I touch his chest and it frightens me. His heart is pounding.
“Matthew,” I say louder. “Wake up!”
I shake him hard until his eyes snap open. As soon as his eyes are open, he throws the sheets off and swings his legs over the side of the bed.
“Fuck,” he says, breathing heavily.
“Matthew? Are you okay? You were having a nightmare.”
He doesn’t answer me until he gets control of his breathing. His arm wipes across his forehead. He looks back at me for a moment and shakes his head. “You weren’t supposed to see that,” he says. “Did I say anything?”
“Something about your Mom but-”
“Fuck.” He stands up, grabbing his T-shirt off the ground. He makes his way towards the living room. I scramble to catch up with him, turning the lights on.
“Matthew-”
“I have to go,” he interrupts. “I don’t have my sleeping meds.”
Sleeping meds?
“Sleeping meds?”
“Fuck!” He shouts. “Where are my shoes?”
I see them right by the door but keep it to myself, walking over to him.
“Matthew,” I say softly, reaching out for his hand. As soon as our skin touches he pulls his hand away. The reaction surprises me, so visceral, and I give him space to collect himself. I take a seat on the couch waiting for him to settle down. I tug on his hand, making him look at me. He’s still breathing heavily and the sight of me doesn’t seem to be helping him.
“You probably think I’m crazy, don’t you?” He asks.
I shake my head, pulling on his hand until he sits with me on the couch.
“No,” I whisper, my hands stroking his cheeks gently. “I don’t think you’re crazy at all.”
He looks away from me, his eyes still scanning the room for a quick exit. “Fuck, I might be.”
“Matthew stop,” I scold. “You’re fine. You’re perfect.”
His eyes find mine and he shakes his head. “Josie I’m so far from perfect, you have no idea.”
“Then tell me,” I plead.
He shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “I can’t Josie.”
I scoot closer to him. “I just hate seeing you this way.”
He grabs my hands, pulling them off his face and holding them in his lap.
“Josie, listen,” he says. “I’ve never ever wanted to tell anyone about it before. You’re the first person who I’ve thought about telling it to. But it’s going to take time. I’m not ready.”
“Okay,” I reply, not wanting to push him. “That’s okay. That’s fine,” I reassure.
He sighs with relief, standing up again. “I’m sorry to go like this. I hope you’ll forgive me. But I have sleeping meds at home and I need to go take them.”
I nod my head, trying my best to be understanding. “Okay.”
He doesn’t hesitate, going to the door where his shoes are and sliding them on his feet. He grabs his keys from the counter and rushes out the door without even saying goodbye. I don’t blame him though. He’s spooked. More than that, he’s haunted. And now I know who by. His mother.
Chapter 30
Matthew Steele.
What’s the worst I’ve ever freaked out? A few nights ago with Josie seems to be taking the cake. I have lost my fucking mind. There’s no way she thinks I’m sane. She must think I’m fucking mental. And I blabbed about my sleeping meds. I’m sitting at the counter, head in my hands, revisiting the catastrophe that occurred late at night at her apartment. It’s been almost three days and I haven’t said a thing to her. Not a text or call or anything. It’s fucked up, I know it is. I know it is because she’s waiting for the all clear from me. She’s not going to reach out until she thinks I’m in the right headspace. And for that, I’ve got to make the first move. But I’m drawing a fucking blank. One minute we’re talking about having sex and the next we’re cuddling on her fucking couch and the next I’m leaving her apartment at three in the morning. I don’t even know who the fuck I am. I feel completely lost. All I know is that when I’m with Josie I feel good. And she was right all those weeks ago. When she told me that I’m happier when I’m kinder. It’s true. But years of being the asshole aren’t forgotten by anyone. Not my teammates, not my roommates, not Johnny. And I don’t know how to be kind with them, or if I even want to be. I think I want to save it for Josie. I want it to be hers and mine and that’s it. Like a secret just between us. But it’s not just a switch I can flip on and off whenever I want. There are moments when I’m still a dick with her. And moments when I’m fucking soft away from her. My worlds are mixing and I need to get them in order. Of course, that becomes a nearly impossible challenge when I haven’t slept for two fucking days. I’ve got to talk to Josie, but she’s gonna want to know things, and I’m not ready for that. Deciding to just suck it up, I call her. The phone rings a few times and then goes to her voicemail. I hang up before getting a chance to leave a message. Fantastic. Either she’s preoccupied, or she’s pissed at me. I know her work schedule, when she tutors, and where she lives. If I really want to, I can track her down. But I won’t. I’ll wait and see if she calls me back, or texts. And if she doesn’t… well then, fuck.
* * *
I practically fall into a booth at The Burger Joint, praying Johnny’s working today. I thank my lucky stars when he comes over to me in uniform, a look of pure concern on his face.
“Christ almighty Matty, you look like you’ve been hit by a train,” Johnny says.
I rub my hand over my face. “When’s your break?”
“My break is over, but I’m off in twenty if you want to wait around.”
“I’ll wait,” I grunt. I sit for a while, my leg shaking under the table, my adrenaline pumping. I guess since I haven’t slept a wink in two days, that’s what my body is running on now. I stand up, unable to sit still, and go outside. I stand in front of the diner, tapping my feet, pacing a little, waiting for Johnny. When he finally comes out, changed and fini
shed with his shift, his expression is one of uncertainty.
“Matt what’s goin’ on man?”
“You have a cigarette?” I ask, running my hand over my mouth. Maybe that will help me relax, calm me down. Johnny reaches out and pushes my shoulder.
“No I don’t have a cigarette. You know better than to smoke anyways Matt, don’t be a fucking idiot.”
I shrug, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets. “I haven’t slept in two days.”
“Okay…” Johnny says, waiting for me to continue.
“I’m having nightmares about her.”
“Her?” Johnny asks. “You mean Ellie?”
“Don’t fucking say her name,” I snap.
I start walking towards my truck, nodding my head for him to follow me.
“Hell no man, you’re not driving,” he says, taking the keys from my hands. “You’re gonna fall asleep at the wheel and kill yourself.”
I don’t even have the energy to fight him over it. I let him hold them, rubbing my tired eyes.
“I can’t fucking sleep. Josie won’t call me back.”
Johnny shakes his head. “Matty, you’re not making any fucking sense.”
“That’s because I haven’t slept in two days! I’m fucking delusional!”
“Did you and Josie get into a fight or something?”
“No, but she saw me having a nightmare. I got spooked, bailed on her. She’s probably freaked out by me.”
“And you called her?” He asks.
“This morning.”
“Well Goddamn Matt, give her some time before you assume the worst.”
I grab Johnny by the collar, shaking him.
“I don’t know what I’m doing man. I took double the dosage of sleeping meds and I still couldn’t sleep. I just stared at the ceiling feeling fucking paranoid.”
Johnny is full fledged concerned now and he peels my hands off his shirt, taking a few steps back from me.
“Give me a second Matty. I’ll be right back.”
I nod my head and stare at a spot on the ground. I don’t know how long I stare at it, delusional and exhausted. I lean against my truck, no doubt looking like a crazy person. When I hear voices talking I look up. There’s no one there. I’m losing my fucking mind. I need sleep. Surely if I try again, my body will do something right, make me sleep. That spot on the ground grabs my attention again until a voice says my name.
“Matthew?”
I know that voice. That voice is Josie. I look up. She’s standing right in front of me. I stare at her for a minute, not knowing is she’s real or if it’s my imagination. Johnny comes back into sight, that concerned look still on his face.
“I had to call your girl,” he says. “You’re starting to freak me out Matty.”
I close my eyes and shake my head. If they aren’t real, they’ll be gone when I open them back up. When I lift my heavy eyelids again, they’re still there, but now they’re spinning. I blink my eyes, trying to focus.
“Josie?” I ask.
She looks at me with concerned eyes. “Matthew you need to sleep. Get in the passenger side and get some rest. Johnny and I are going to drive you home, okay?”
“Okay,” I sigh, feeling a little more at ease now that she’s here with me.
I follow her instructions and get in the passenger side. Josie squeezes in the middle of the bench while Johnny starts the truck and drives me home. I shut my eyes, hoping I can finally drift off. There’s some distorted talking and then I feel myself being lifted. Someone takes my arm and throws it over their shoulder, helping me. I’m suddenly sitting, moving, stopping. It’s all a blur of dark figures. And then I’m sinking, sinking down, and finally my eyes shut.
* * *
My eyes open slowly. I’m disoriented for a few minutes, trying to figure out where I am. Finally, I gather my bearings. I’m in my room. In my bed. How did I get here? Was it all a dream? I sit up and rub my eyes. Looking over at the clock, I realize it’s late in the afternoon. What the hell is going on? I stand, trying out my feet. Well, my legs still work. A little shaky, but they work. I open my door slowly and peek my head outside. Still adjusting, I head towards the kitchen, finding a small figure sitting at the counter. I clear my throat to get their attention. Wide hazel eyes and golden brown hair turn back towards me.
“Matthew.”
Josie.
She stands and comes towards me, taking my hands.
“You’re awake, do you feel okay?”
“Yeah,” I reply honestly. “Just groggy. What happened?”
“You don’t remember?” She wonders, tilting her head to the side.
I shake my head. “Last thing I remember was going to talk to Johnny.”
Josie grabs my hand, concern for me overwhelming her features. “You didn’t sleep for two days.”
I nod my head. “Yup, I remember that.”
“Matthew…” she says softly.
“I tried Josie. I just couldn’t.”
She looks down at our hands, frowning. “When I saw you, you were delirious. You fell asleep on the way here.”
I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m okay now.”
She nods her head, looking back up at me. “You took a double dosage of sleeping meds? What were you thinking?”
“The double dosage was supposed to put me to sleep.”
Josie’s hands travel around my midriff, squeezing me tight. “Please don’t ever do that again. You had me worried sick.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I never meant to worry you. I just kept thinking about that nightmare I had and I didn’t know how to bring it up to you.”
Josie’s eyes scan my face carefully. I look over at the clock on the microwave.
“How long was I out?”
“I think you finally went to sleep around eleven, so it’s been a good fourteen hours.”
I go over to the couch and flop down, releasing a heavy breath. “Fuck Josie, I never wanted you to see any of that.”
She sits down next to me, grabbing my hand. “I don’t understand…”
I look away from her, unable to maintain eye contact. “You must think I’m fucking mental.”
“Stop it,” Josie says. She tugs on my hand, trying to get me to look at her. After a minute, she gives up, dropping my hand. But then, her leg swings over mine so she’s straddling me, and I have nowhere to run. Nowhere else to look.
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she says, her hands landing on my chest.
I reach up, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Josie there’s so much that you don’t know.”
Her finger slides under my chin, forcing me to look at her. “I know enough,” she says. “I know you’re strong. And quiet. And moody. And good.”
I look into her kind hazel eyes, my heart fucking aching at the sight of her. “Does it scare you? That I have so much trouble sleeping?”
“Scare me? No Matthew, it doesn’t scare me. It worries me. But nothing about you scares me.”
My thumb brushes across her lip. “You don’t think I’m crazy?” I ask quietly.
Josie’s eyes widen in disbelief. She shakes her head adamantly. “What? Of course not. Never.” She presses her lips against mine. I shut my eyes, signing contently at the feeling. We sit right there for some time. Soft kisses, sweet kisses, long kisses. It’s hard not to touch her. Not to press myself against her and heat things up. It takes self control, and a lot of it.
“Where have you been?” I find myself whispering against her. She’s got me in knots, tripping over myself. I don’t even know what’s coming out of my mouth. “Where have you been all this time?”
“Right here,” she replies, kissing my lips, my jaw, my chin. “And I’m not going anywhere.”
I shut my eyes. “You’ve changed me. Everything I thought I knew about myself…”
Josie pulls back. “I don’t think I’ve changed you at all. I’ve just peeled back some of the grumpier
layers.”
“Those are all the layers I thought there were.”
Josie pulls herself off of me and sits down beside me, curling her legs up and holding my hand in her lap. I turn my head to look at her and lean forward, capturing her lips against mine. After a moment, Josie pulls away again, looking at our fingers. I rub my thumb against the back of her hand. These are the moments I live for; quiet, calm, small touches and the slight feeling of our skin touching. In these moments I can focus in on the detail, zoom in on the shape of her knuckles, the warmth of her hand, the softness of her touch. I don’t know how much time has passed when I look up her her. She bites her lip, thinking.
“What is it?” I ask.
She looks at me and then looks away. “Nothing, I’m just thinking.”
I brush a piece of hair out of her eyes. “You alright?”
She nods with a small smile. “I’m good.”
I lean forward and give her a small kiss. “Good. I just want you to be happy.”
“I know,” she whispers. She looks at me and laughs lightly, rolling her eyes at me. “Now, you can’t do that Matthew.”
I search her face in confusion. “Do what?”
“Say sweet things like that and look at me the way you’re looking at me.”
A smile begins to form on my mouth. “How am I looking at you?”
“Like you… like you’re…” she’s flustered and waving her hands around in the air, trying to find the right words.
“Crazy about you?” I supply, raising an eyebrow to her.
“Yes! Exactly like that.”
“But I am crazy about you baby.”
Josie groans, her grip on my hand tightening, her cheeks turning pink. “You cannot call me that.”
“Call you what?” I’m driving her a little insane and it’s the most excitement I’ve had in a very long time. Every fiber of my body is awake and in the game now.
“You know what,” she answers, giving me a look.
I pretend to pout a little. “Why not?”
She groans again. “Because now you’re making me crazy.”
“I’m not trying to.” Lie.