by E. M. Foner
“Well, this is awkward,” Bork exhaled, looking around at his colleagues. “Did anybody slip up and tell her the truth?”
“Does that mean you lied?” Srythlan rumbled.
“Well, I didn’t go out of my way to upset her, though you wouldn’t have known it from her reaction. What did you tell her?”
“I suggested that Human math skills are below par,” Srythlan replied, looking down at the table.
“What a cop-out!” Bork declared. “You say that to everybody.”
“She seemed surprisingly sincere in her desire for honest criticism,” Abeva said. “I mentioned how most of them have terrible posture, and pointed out the difficulty in communicating with a species whose languages are so limited.”
“But did any of you tell her about the real issue?” Bork persisted.
“Longevity?” The Horten ambassador who had reason enough to be disgusted with humanity for precipitating the piracy crisis shook his head. “That would just be cruel. By the time you get to know any of them, they’re already forgetting your name and shuffling around like Verlocks.”
“And losing their hair,” the Gem ambassador added. “It’s a mercy that it’s much more prevalent with the males than the females.”
“I feel a little guilty now about telling the EarthCent ambassador that they all speak without thinking,” Crute admitted. “Did you hear that she’s invited a Teragram mage to stay in her home?”
“What?”
“Oh, no!”
“Don’t her Stryx friends tell her anything?”
“I only know about it because the Humans sent the mage’s camper to one of our small ship repair facilities for rehab work,” the Dollnick ambassador explained. “When the painter realized that there was a Teragram entropy cocoon active in one of the rooms, he panicked and painted over it without telling anybody. The manager of the shipyard only found out when the ambassador’s husband came to complain that the paint was disintegrating.”
“Poor Kelly,” Czeros said, rubbing his jaw in concern.
“Maybe her artwork will drive the freeloader out,” the Grenouthian ambassador suggested helpfully.
“The Human lack of impulse control is a symptom of the longevity issue,” the Verlock ambassador said. “Their lives are so short that they are afraid to miss anything.”
“But how does that explain the lazy ones?” the Chert ambassador inquired. “I’ve never seen a species with so many members who are willing to sit around and do nothing all day.”
“They’ve become some of our best media content customers on a per capita basis,” the Grenouthian ambassador said.
“So what do you all think?” Czeros coaxed his colleagues. “Why don’t we just give them a pass and let them feel good about themselves for a change.”
“That’s another thing,” Ortha complained. “They must be the most depressive species to hit the tunnel network since the Kasilians withdrew to go home and wait for death. You’d think they were actually responsible for some terrible event from the way they walk around looking guilty all the time.”
“That’s just one more reason to vote in favor,” the Frunge ambassador said. “Can we make it unanimous?”
A chorus of “Ayes,” came from around the table, and Czeros nodded in satisfaction. “Thank you. I will fetch the ambassador and give her the good news. You’re it, Crute.”
“Very well,” the Dollnick said. “While we are waiting for our Frunge and Human members to return, I’ll just say that if I’m ever accused of a crime, I want Advocate Jursha to defend me.”
“Our news network has been raking it in rerunning the hearing all over the galaxy,” the Grenouthian ambassador boasted. “It couldn’t have played any better if it had been scripted.”
“Are you accusing us of something?” the Horten ambassador demanded.
“Lighten up, Ortha. He was giving Jursha a compliment,” Bork said. “Now let’s drop it or we’ll kill Kelly’s good mood.”
The EarthCent ambassador was glowing like a Horten when she reached the table, and over Crute’s objection, she insisted on going around to each ambassador and thanking them personally and effusively.
“You’re starting to make me regret my vote,” Abeva told her coldly.
“I know you don’t really mean that,” Kelly gushed. “And I want to take a moment to invite everybody to my home to meet our new guest. The Stryx tell me that it’s been quite a while since there was a Teragram mage living on the station.”
“Pass,” Czeros said immediately, followed by every other ambassador with the exception of the Verlock, who just looked sad.
“On to the business at hand,” Crute announced. “Stryx Jeeves will be arriving shortly to hear our proposal, so we don’t have any more time to waste. Did your people complete the calculations, Srythlan?”
“The sum is manageable,” the Verlock pronounced slowly. He opened a valise and began laboriously passing out thin sheets of a crystalline mineral packed with data and numbers. The Grenouthian ambassador waited about two seconds before seizing the whole stack and then hopping around the table to deliver them himself.
“What’s this?” Kelly whispered to Bork, as she stared at the mass of alien symbols.
The Drazen looked over at her sheet, swiped his thumb along the top, and tapped on “Humanese.” All of the text and numbers immediately converted to English.
“As you can see, we have provided cost projections for reducing piracy in decrements of five percent, starting from the thirty percent reduction level down to a seventy percent reduction,” Srythlan explained.
“Why start at thirty percent?” Crute asked. “I thought the Stryx wouldn’t settle for anything less than a fifty percent decrease.”
“Thirty percent reflects the reduction in piratical activity we anticipate if all of the Gem exit the profession, and Hortens with more than two hundred years of service accept a buyout. If you’ll give your attention to the cost/benefit curve in Figure 1, you’ll see that our expenses accelerate rapidly if we are compelled to pay severance bonuses to younger pirates.”
“I don’t see a separate table for buying out my sisters,” the newly appointed Gem ambassador said. “Surely you don’t expect young clones to accept the same package as old Hortens?”
“There’s an additional block grant to the New Gem Empire for reabsorption expenses in the miscellaneous footnotes.”
“Have you included a calculation for savings from the reduction in piracy?” the Horten ambassador demanded.
“Illusory, for most of us,” the Verlock replied. “The pirates have been careful to avoid creating large expenses for tunnel network species that would bring about a military response. Humans excepted,” he added apologetically.
“So what exactly were the expenses that Jeeves was talking about when he said that the Stryx have had enough?” Crute asked. “As expensive as reactivating the VTGERN network for a single use must have been, that was just the one incident.”
“I requested an accounting from the station librarian and the data was quite illuminating,” Srythlan replied. “If you’ll all proceed to the next page.”
Bork reached over and tapped the center of Kelly’s crystalline sheet at the bottom, bringing up a new set of tables and graphs.
“What is this?” Ortha frowned as he ran his finger along the table headings. “It looks like an enormous travel agency bill for a package vacation, complete with hotel rooms, transport and a meals allowance. But who includes clothing in a tour?”
“Safaris?” Czeros suggested.
“It’s the expenses the Stryx have laid out for survivors of piracy attacks,” the Verlock ambassador said. “While the AI don’t interfere with piracy outside of the tunnel network, they see a steady flow of victims, including those who escape or abandon ship and make their way to a station after being attacked. As you can see, it’s a substantial amount.”
“Is my sheet translating the decimal place correctly?” Kelly whispered to Bork. �
��I’m afraid to bring up math in front of Srythlan, but I think that number is in the trillions.”
“It is,” the Drazen ambassador whispered back after consulting his own sheet. “Keep in mind it’s a cumulative bill that’s been adding up since your fascinating Ice Ages.”
“Are you feeling well, Ortha?” the Chert ambassador inquired.
Kelly looked over and saw that the Horten had turned bright purple, and was trying unsuccessfully to hide his face with his hands, which were now a slightly darker shade of the same color. Czeros nudged the EarthCent ambassador and muttered, “Purple for embarrassment,” and then continued in a louder voice, “I don’t understand the probability projection you’re making here, Srythlan.”
For once, all of the ambassadors breathed a welcome sigh of relief when the Verlock began a ponderous explanation of the factors involved in predicting recidivism. Everyone kept their eyes studiously on their crystal sheets while Srythlan talked, even Kelly, who lost track of the proof immediately after the Verlock declared, “First, it is given that...” By the time that Srythlan finally reached, “Therefore, it is obvious…,” Ortha was almost fully recovered, and Jeeves had floated silently into the room and taken his place at the opposite end of the table.
“I took a look at your proof, Srythlan, and I don’t see that the conclusion is obvious at all,” the Stryx said. “However, I’m less concerned with predictions about the behavior of future generations of pirates than what you intend to do in the next few cycles.”
“I didn’t know,” Ortha suddenly said without explanation, but it was immediately clear to the other ambassadors what he was talking about. “I will need to contact my government again before making an official offer, but it is my belief that we should reimburse the Stryx for the expenses they have incurred in this vein.”
“We’re talking about a substantial amount of creds,” the Grenouthian ambassador observed. “I believe it would be cheaper for all of us to go with one of the options presented by our esteemed Verlock colleague, provided the Stryx find that acceptable.”
“Reimbursement does have the attraction of being computationally trivial,” Czeros pointed out. “We’ve already agreed on how the costs will be shared by our species, so the only remaining challenge is to negotiate the amount with the Stryx. A straight cash payment offers a much cleaner solution than retraining programs with a requirement to monitor tens of millions of retired pirates to make sure they stay retired.”
“I wish to state for the record that my chairmanship of this committee is concluded when the Stryx accept our solution…” Crute hastened to say, but the Horten ambassador interrupted the Dollnick before he could complete his disavowal of future responsibility.
“You didn’t understand me,” Ortha continued sadly. “I intend to request that my government repay the Stryx the full amount, which in the end will come down to a handful of creds per Horten citizen. I imagine this spells the end of my diplomatic career, but we are an honorable people. Will that be acceptable?” he asked, turning to face Jeeves.
“It’s not my preferred solution, but it meets our requirements,” the Stryx replied.
“How will that reduce piracy?” Kelly blurted out before she could stop herself.
“My people have been remiss when it comes to discouraging the less desirable elements in our society from leaving and taking up a, uh, less conventional lifestyle,” the Horten ambassador replied in a tired voice. “Perhaps the imposition of a special tax assessment, even a small one, will lead families and employers to make a greater effort to rehabilitate those who go astray.”
“What about a severance package for my sisters?” the Gem ambassador demanded of the Stryx.
“If Ambassador Ortha’s proposal is accepted by his government, the Gem pirates will be free to remain in their current occupation,” Jeeves replied.
“That makes no sense at all!” Kelly objected, “Here you have the chance to reduce piracy by between thirty and seventy percent, and instead you’re willing to settle for a few trillion creds that Gryph probably earns from Union Station rents every year?”
“I think you’re forgetting who is making the decision here, Ambassador,” the Stryx replied. “If my elders felt that piracy was a threat to either the tunnel network or to the agreements we have made with other governing bodies, we wouldn’t be here talking about costs. But it is not our way to interfere with the affairs of biologicals any more than necessary, and if your colleagues prefer Ambassador Ortha’s offer over the option of reducing piracy through military action or financial incentives, that is their right. You have to admit that Advocate Jursha made a compelling argument.”
“Hear, hear,” a number of the ambassadors concurred, primarily in an attempt to cheer up their Horten colleague.
“So there’s nothing further to discuss until Ambassador Ortha contacts his government,” Crute declared. “I motion we close this meeting with the understanding that a positive response from the Hortens means that this committee is dissolved.”
“Aren’t we at least going to vote?” the Gem ambassador asked in frustration. “I never got to vote on anything other than the Human review!”
“I understand your disappointment, but as committee chairman, I can’t ask members to potentially burden their own governments with costs that the Hortens may be willing to shoulder alone,” Crute replied. “None of us were in favor of military action, at least, none of us with militaries,” he amended himself, glancing in Kelly’s direction. “Under the proposed solution, the New Gem Empire will be free to spend the money you would have contributed to a joint fund on repatriating your own people.”
“Second the motion,” Abeva said.
“Third,” Ortha muttered.
“All in favor? Carried.” With that, Crute rose from the table and headed for the exit, quickly followed by most of the other ambassadors. Srythlan remained behind, engaged in some sort of complex calculations, and Kelly lingered in order to talk with Jeeves.
“Is this about your houseguest?” the Stryx asked the EarthCent ambassador. “I thought you’d be pleased with the opportunity to add another first contact to your resume.”
“No, I—what do you mean ‘another?’” Kelly demanded in response. “Wait. Are you hinting that I need a resume for some reason?”
“Your trip to Kasil was a first contact for Humans, as was Maker Dring. It’s possible that some of the Cayl Empire species also had their first official contact with humanity through your embassy, though it’s not something we keep track of. And I was using the resume as a figure of speech.”
“You’re just trying to get me confused by changing the subject. How can you defend piracy as a way of life?”
“We aren’t defending piracy,” Jeeves replied patiently. “We’re defending your rights as members of our tunnel network to make your own choices, including bad ones, as long as they don’t violate the rights of other species.”
“But how about the people who have been attacked, held hostage, or killed by pirates. What about their rights?”
“And what about the criminal who sold the condemned ship Clive’s sister ended up with? Should we police the used spaceship business everywhere on the tunnel network? Should I go to Earth and fly around intervening in violent crimes like some kind of comic book superhero?”
“But organized piracy…” Kelly began to object.
“The organized pirates are less of a problem than the rogues. I would have preferred if the ambassadors had reached a consensus to reduce the number of pirates, though as was pointed out, I expect that most of the clones have had enough of that lifestyle. As long as the New Gem Empire grants them an unconditional pardon and resettlement help, I predict that they will return to the fold.”
“I don’t understand. We could all see how ashamed Ortha was when he found out that the Stryx have been cleaning up after a Horten mess. Why didn’t you give them a bill tens of thousands of years ago?”
“I wasn’t alive tens of tho
usands of years ago,” Jeeves reminded the ambassador. “But I think that the answer you are looking for is that the other members of the tunnel network never asked us to act. They all suspect that we are using the VTGERN activation as an excuse to interfere, and there’s a good deal of truth to their suspicions.”
“So now you’re saying I don’t understand any of the other species!”
“You have been going around begging for criticism,” the Stryx pointed out. “I think you sometimes forget that the other ambassadors aren’t really humans with odd bits and pieces tacked on. If anything, it works the other way around.”
“Look here, Jeeves,” the Verlock ambassador interrupted, shoving over a tablet packed with dense mathematical notations. “I’ve rechecked the equations for our recidivism projections and it turns out that the solution is obvious after all!”
“I was just having you on,” the Stryx replied, poking the thick-skinned Verlock ambassador with his pincer.
Twenty
“Are you sure you don’t want to come along?” Kelly asked her Teragram houseguest. “I thought you said that you’ve never seen a newborn human.”
“I was stating a fact, not an ambition,” Baa replied from her position on the couch. “Besides, I have thousands of years of dramas to catch up on.”
“Dring is coming with me,” the EarthCent ambassador coaxed the alien. “I know you want to meet him.”
“All the more reason I should remain here so he knows where to find me. Do be a dear and bring me one of those delicious bubbly beverages your husband makes in the cellar.”
“Beer,” Kelly told her for at least the third time, accepting Baa’s empty mug and heading downstairs. “And it’s a lower deck, not a cellar.”
As the ambassador drew a fresh pint from the keg, Libby inquired privately, “Is your guest getting on your nerves already?”