“Test?” asked Samantha.
Absolute didn’t answer. He grabbed her by the shoulders so quickly that she didn’t have time to react, and he steered her over to the big whiteboard in the center of the cavern.
“One, two, three, four! I declare a math war!” he bellowed.
All of the SNOW agents stopped what they were doing, and the dome went silent, except for the steady sound of mine carts rolling in and out of the chamber.
One by one, all the members of the SNOW formed a wide circle surrounding Absolute, Samantha, and the big whiteboard.
Samantha was nervous. This had been her idea, but she hadn’t realized she was going to have to take a math test. Could she really outsmart a room packed with numerical overachievers? She spotted her father, standing in the circle with the SNOW. Now she was really glad he’d come along with her on this mission.
Mr. Spinner smiled and gave her a big thumbs-up.
“The girl’s father,” Absolute called to the crowd, “has wisely decided not to talk during the test.”
“I have?” asked Mr. Spinner. “How did you reach that conclusion?”
Absolute pointed to a SNOW agent beside Samantha’s father. She pulled a shiny, and very sharp, metal ruler out of her coat and held it up to his throat.
“You may not speak,” she said to Mr. Spinner. “Understand?”
Mr. Spinner nodded silently.
Samantha gulped. She was on her own, facing whatever math test the SNOW had in store for her.
“You will now solve three problems,” Absolute growled at Samantha. “Solve them and join the SNOW. Show your smarts…or become multiple parts.”
As if on cue, several of the agents in the circle held up rulers. The sharp edges glinted in the light of the dome.
“Agent 98.6,” said Absolute, without taking his eyes off Samantha. “Start us off.”
A SNOW woman stepped from the ring and went to the board. She picked up a marker, scribbled something on the board, and then returned to her place in the circle.
Samantha looked at the whiteboard:
1 + 2 =
“You have fifteen seconds,” said Absolute.
Samantha looked at the board again. It was too easy.
“Um…three?” she replied, unsure.
“Correct,” said Absolute.
Samantha relaxed a bit. Maybe joining the SNOW was going to be simple.
“Agent 186,282,” Absolute called.
Another SNOW woman stepped forward.
“Come on, come on,” said Absolute impatiently.
The agent scurried to the board, picked up the pen, and wrote and wrote and wrote. She zipped back to her place in the circle, revealing what she’d written:
674 x 35,229 x 0 x 7,869,132 x 41=
“You have fifty-five seconds,” Absolute snarled at Samantha.
She gulped. How was she supposed to figure this out without paper and pencil? And in less than a minute? She tried multiplying the first two numbers in her head. There were too many digits.
“You have twenty seconds,” said Absolute.
Wait. She looked at the middle of the equation. It had “x 0.” Anything times zero is…
“The answer is zero,” Samantha said.
The big man stared at her. He nodded slowly.
“Six hundred seventy-four,” Samantha read, “times thirty-five—”
“I know, I know,” growled Absolute, cutting her off.
The SNOW boss looked around the circle and began pointing.
“You, you, you…and you,” he said. “Get up here…now!”
Four SNOW agents sprang forward and scribbled furiously on the whiteboard for several minutes. As they scattered back to their places in the circle, Samantha saw that the board was completely full.
3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882353787593751957781857780532171226806613001927876611195909216420198978053279517805321…=
“You have three minutes,” said Absolute.
Samantha stared at the wall of digits. She had no idea what to do.
“Two minutes, thirty seconds!” an agent shouted from the circle.
She studied the big whiteboard. What could it possibly mean? She was getting nervous.
“Two minutes!” another agent called.
Samantha scratched her head….And heard music?
Her father had started whistling.
“Stop, stop, stop!” shouted Absolute. “You!” the SNOW boss growled, marching up to Mr. Spinner. “You were warned not to talk.”
“I wasn’t talking,” Mr. Spinner replied. “I was whistling.”
Absolute glared at Mr. Spinner. The large man looked over at Samantha, then back to her father again.
“Okay, okay,” he said. “But not too loudly. I hate that song. It’s for babies.”
He turned back to Samantha.
“Continue,” he ordered. “You have two minutes left.”
Samantha looked back at the board. She still had no idea what the numbers could possibly mean.
Her father began whistling again. The music sounded so familiar. Then it hit her!…It was the It’s a Big Little World song!
He’d remembered!
Last year, when the family had gone to Pacific Pandemonium Amusement Park, Samantha had made her father go on the It’s a Big Little World ride with her nine times in a row. They’d rolled in globe-shaped cars while people in animal costumes sang about food around the world. By the time they’d finished, they’d been really hungry, and they’d both known the It’s a Big Little World theme song by heart.
Now her father was whistling that song…but why?
“One minute and thirty seconds,” called one of the SNOW.
“Give up?” asked Absolute gleefully.
In her head, Samantha quickly went over the lyrics to the song:
There are billions of people, and like it or not,
We ride around the sun on a little blue dot.
Don’t be unhappy. There’s nothing to fear.
IT’S A BIG LITTLE WORLD, and you’re lucky you’re here!
Samantha’s head bobbed a little as she sang quietly to herself. She pictured sitting next to her father as the performers danced and waved oversized inflatable food at them.
There are waffles, falafels, and chocolate fondue,
Burritos and sushi, and Irish beef stew.
“Thirty seconds!” called a SNOW agent.
“Ticktock,” said Absolute. “Your time’s almost up.”
Samantha smiled. She suddenly knew why her father had whistled this song.
There’s kielbasa and yassa, pastrami on rye.
There’s goulash, masala, and blueberry…
“Last chance!” Agent Absolute shouted. “What’s the answer?”
“Pie!” Samantha shouted back at him.
Absolute stared at her.
“Fine,” he said. “Three point one four one five nine two etcete
ra, etcetera, etcetera, is—”
“Pi!” shouted everyone in the SNOW.
“You remembered!” Samantha called to her father. “You remembered my favorite ride!”
“It’s more of a musical theater show than a ride,” Mr. Spinner replied.
Samantha didn’t try to argue. It felt great to know that her father had paid attention to something that mattered to her, even though it wasn’t about lightbulbs.
“Congratulations,” said Absolute. “You are now a super-numerical overachiever. Welcome to the SNOW.”
He pointed to the glass case with Uncle Paul in it and gestured for Samantha to go to it.
“Now let’s go squeeze some answers out of that guy,” he said.
“Nope,” said Samantha, not budging. “Not yet.”
The big man looked confused.
“You’re in the SNOW now, and I’m the boss,” he said. “You have to do everything I tell you to, and now I’m telling you—”
“I challenge you to a math contest,” said Samantha.
“What?” Absolute replied. “Why would I want to do that?”
“Because I know where the red umbrella is,” Samantha answered.
“We tried to tell you, boss,” one of the agents called from the circle. “We saw the girl carrying the umbrella in the museum and we—”
“Be quiet!” Absolute shouted.
He turned back to Samantha.
“I’ve hidden the umbrella somewhere,” she told him. “You’ll never find it.”
Absolute stared.
“But if you can solve my challenge, I’ll give the umbrella to you,” Samantha continued. “You’ll have the Super-Secret Plans to the whole world.”
“And what happens if you win?” asked Absolute.
“Then you let my uncle go,” she answered.
The big SNOW boss grunted and scratched his chin. She could tell he was thinking it over.
“Fine,” he said at last. “Bring it on.”
“One, two, three, four! I declare a math war!” Samantha shouted.
The SNOW fell silent. They stood, frozen in the circle, eyes locked on Samantha and Absolute.
Samantha walked to the whiteboard, grabbed an eraser, and cleared it. Then she picked up a marker.
Standing on her tiptoes, she began to write a long line of numbers, letters, and symbols along the top of the whiteboard:
22x—39/(9.3y2) * 67 x 8—√69m ± 33 ÷ 12.000007 × 82m ≥ 4n + W(x+5) + 6 * 11.4587r × (4.56389 ± F)3
“This makes no sense,” said Absolute, squinting at the board.
Samantha kept writing.
13B2–45.76K √ (4.1r) 33n2—(88 x 5h) x 43n2—(89–40b) + 7 6.239–8y(x) ÷ 4.76(x-3) 59.55 ÷ 36K
She glanced over her shoulder at the enormous man.
“Is this a joke?” he bellowed.
“I’m not done,” she answered, and continued to write.
6J2 + 876–3(b-1) + 91 13 x 288y(9x) + 3j 63g2—(base N) x 62 59222.84819–2y ± 30 59.02 + 3M2
The SNOW started to whisper quietly to each other.
Samantha looked over at her father. He was watching intently. Far in the distance, she could see Uncle Paul. He was leaning up against the wall of the glass box, watching, too.
She continued to write.
Numbers. Letters. Symbols. Numbers. Numbers. Numbers. Symbols.
“Really?” asked Absolute. “Base N?”
Samantha stopped writing.
The board was full. She took a big step back and smiled.
“You have five minutes,” she said.
“Hold on,” said Absolute.
“Whoopsy,” said Samantha. “Your five minutes just started.”
All of the SNOW agents began muttering loudly. Some scratched their heads. A few took out pencils and notepads and began scribbling calculations. Every one of them seemed very confused.
“This is beyond challenging,” shouted a SNOW man.
“Four minutes,” said Samantha.
“Math class was never this tough!” a SNOW woman called out.
“Enough!” shouted Absolute.
The dome went silent.
“This is gobbledygook!” he bellowed. “Nobody could figure this out!”
“So,” said Samantha. “Do you give up?”
“There’s nothing to give up on,” said the big SNOW boss. “Most of this isn’t even math. Nobody could figure out what this means!”
“I know what it means,” said Mr. Spinner, raising his hand.
“What?” Absolute asked, surprised. “You do?”
“Sure,” he replied. “It means I—”
A SNOW agent pressed her ruler against Mr. Spinner’s throat. She looked to Absolute, as if waiting for instructions.
The SNOW boss stared at Mr. Spinner. Then he looked at the board. Then he looked at Samantha.
“All right,” he growled. “Show me.”
Mr. Spinner didn’t move. He glanced down at the sharp ruler still pressed against his throat.
“I said let him show me!” barked Absolute.
The agent let go of her ruler, and it clattered to the ground.
Samantha’s father rubbed his throat a few times. Then he walked up to the board.
Samantha held out her marker.
“Brilliant,” he said softly, and took it from her.
“Come on. Come on,” said Absolute.
Mr. Spinner began drawing lines around Samantha’s fake math equations. When he was done, he put the pen back, returned to the ring of super-numerical overachievers, and took his place in the circle.
Everyone looked at the big whiteboard:
“I win,” said Samantha. “Let my uncle go.”
Absolute smiled and shook his head.
“I don’t think so,” he chuckled. “He’s going to be divided, and then your father will be, too…or four or eight.”
“What?” Samantha asked. “I just gave you a challenge and you failed. Let my uncle go.”
The big man nodded at her.
“That was impressive,” he replied. “But I just wanted to see what kind of trick you’d try to pull. I’m keeping your uncle….And your father, too.”
“What?” Samantha cried.
“Unless you want to tell me where the red umbrella is hidden.”
“No fair!” she shouted.
“I’m the boss,” he snapped. “Or don’t you remember? I get to say what’s fair.”
He turned and pointed at Mr. Spinner.
“Take that guy away,” he called. “It’s boxing time.”
“I agree, one hundred percent,” said Samantha’s father.
Absolute’s face twisted in confusion. “Huh?” he grunted. “You do?”
Suddenly Mr. Spinner turned and pointed to the entrance of the SNOW dome.
“Wow! Look over there!” he shouted. “It’s a famous mathematician with an advanced degree in dynamical systems and differential equations!”
Every single member of the SNOW turned toward the entrance and stared.
“Where?” asked Absolute, peering at the tunnel. “I don’t see anyone.”
In one swift move, Mr. Spinner took off his hat and tossed it to Samantha.
She caught it.
“Very funny,” said the SNOW boss, turning back around. “Could someone please get that girl out of my sight?”
“Sure thing, boss,” said an agent close to Samantha.
But before anyone could move, Samantha held out the hat and squeezed the rim. A red boxing glove shot from the top.
Bop!
The glove struck the agent and sent her flying backward.
Absolute looked at the agent sprawled on the floor, then at Samantha.
“Never…mind,” Absolute sighed. “I’ll put them both in boxes myself.”
He pushed up a sleeve, made a fist, and marched up to Samantha.
As soon as he drew near, she fired the hat again.
Bop!
It struck Absolute on the chin.
And he didn’t budge.
The SNOW boss smiled down at her. Then he reached out with both massive hands and—
Samantha stepped forward and squeezed the top hat twice.
Bop-op!
“Cut that out,” he said to the double punch. “Can’t you see that doesn’t—”
Bop-op! Bop!
The glove punched Absolute three times.
“I said cut that out!” he snapped. “That silly hat isn’t going to—”
Boppity! Bop-op!
Samantha fired the hat at the hulking mathematician five more times. She noticed he rocked back on his heels a little after the fifth punch.
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op!
The red boxing glove hit Absolute eight times.
“I thought I told you to stop!” he shouted.
Samantha watched him carefully. His eyes darted behind her for an instant, then locked back on to her. She spun around to see two SNOW agents charging at her. One held a pickaxe. The other had a shovel raised above his head.
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Bop-op!
Samantha blasted them with a flurry of thirteen punches. Both agents staggered backward, dropping their weapons.
She whirled back around in time to see Absolute lunging toward her.
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op!
She fired the hat twenty-one times.
Her hands were getting tired, but Absolute was starting to look worn out, too.
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op!
Boppity! Boppity! Bop-op! Boppity! Bop-op!
She sent the boxing glove crashing into the big man’s face thirty-four times in a row.
“The Fibonacci sequence,” a SNOW agent called out.
Absolute turned and pointed at the woman menacingly. “Be quiet!” he snarled. “I’m trying to—”
Samantha Spinner and the Perplexing Pants Page 15