by H. M. Ward
Nate continues, “No masks. No hiding. Instead of waiting months, or however long it takes to really get to know someone, lets start there. The more I see the real you, the more I like you.”
Warning bells are going off in my head. IT’S A TRAP! SAY, FUCK NO! THEN RUN AWAY! And take his socks with you to remember him by. See? I can’t say shit like that out loud. He’ll run away screaming.
My heart is hammering hard, slamming into my lungs and making it hard to breathe. Nate is right there, so close I can feel the warmth from his breath slip over my lips.
He tips his forehead forward and presses it to mine. “You’re over thinking this.”
“You haven’t thought about it enough.”
“Life is short. This cuts out all the crap and just leaves us with two real, raw people.”
“Have you seen raw people? They’re a mess.”
“I know and I trust you.” He leans a little closer and presses a kiss to the tip of my nose. “I’ll tell you what I’m thinking, uncensored, if you agree to do the same. Would you like to hear a secret?”
I swallow hard wishing he’d press his chest to mine and ravage me. Instead, I barely move and can’t seem to get my voice to work. I’m terrified that my breath smells like dead hamsters. He doesn’t seem to notice. Maybe he has an olfactory issue and can’t smell anything? It’s not fair because he’s perfect, already showered and dressed with that cologne that makes me want to slide my hands all over his naked body and lick him from head to toe.
See? I can’t say that to him. If I did, who knows what would happen.
“There’s this little spot at the nape of your neck that has this silky soft skin combined with this beautiful curve that I’ve been dying to taste again.” He trails his finger over the spot, making me shiver.
“I don’t think this is a good idea.” I try to sit up, but he won’t let me.
“Ask me anything. I’ll tell you.”
I’m watching his face, looking into his eyes and I know he’s serious. The pit of my stomach is in a free-fall, and this makes me feel too vulnerable. It’s exhilarating and intimidating at the same time. I press my lips together, suck in a deep breath, and decide to jump.
“Okay, I’ll bite. Why’d you leave me the night we met? The phone rang, and you dropped me and walked away.” I try to avoid his eyes when I’m asking him because it still bothers me. I felt like trash that night after the way he treated me.
“My father died. I was in that hotel room waiting for the call. He was working up in New York and got in a nasty accident. An eighteen-wheeler hit his car—he flipped. I knew I’d have to go up there, but I didn’t want to be on a plane when he died. It’s stupid, I know. I’d gone to the hotel because I didn’t want those memories in this house. I went a little stir crazy, so I headed to the bar to get some fresh air. I’d been sitting in the room all day. That’s when you came over. Between the incident in the bathroom and then again at the bar, I didn’t know what to think of you, but you had my full attention. I wanted to spend the night with you and forget everything, but it didn’t work out that way. I should have never taken you back with me. I’m so sorry, Kerry.”
Nate sits back on the bed and rubs the heels of his hands over his eyes, before dropping them and glancing at me.
“I’m sorry. I had no idea.” I push up in the bed and lean back against the headboard. “Ask me anything. It’s AMA day with Kerry Hill. All crazy. All the time.”
Nate glances at me from under dark lashes. His hands are folded together, and his legs are hanging over the edge of the bed. “That first day when you walked into the men’s room, why were you crying?”
I smile, but it falls swiftly. “Ah, yeah. That day was rough. I got text-dumped by my boyfriend. He'd promised me forever, but I hadn't been here a week when he said it was over. He met someone else.”
Nate nods slowly. “And from what you said before, it sounds like the other woman is your mother?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and nod. “Yeah. They’re arriving today. I’m supposed to act like it doesn’t bother me even though it feels like I still have two knives lodged between my shoulder blades.”
“So, you seriously were looking for sex with no strings attached that night in the bar?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you find it? I mean after that?”
I shake my head. “No. I keep getting turned down. It’s like a guy can smell the crazy coming his way. I never had a chance.”
“That’s not it.”
I glance over at him. He sounds so certain, so sure there’s another reason. “Really? After the sock dance of sexiness, you're still convinced it’s something else.”
He grins and laughs. “Yes, with one hundred percent accuracy. I know why guys won’t go near you, even in sweats. It’s simple, and it’s amplified by the fact that you have no idea.”
“If you’re waiting for me to have an epiphany and suddenly get what you’re saying, you’re going to be disappointed.” I blink at him and hold up my palms, shrugging. “I have no clue.”
“I know. That’s what makes you over-the-top, drop-dead, completely sexy. You’re an unattainable goddess. Nothing can hide that. Every man wants you and hardly any have the guts to talk to you. And if you try to seduce one, well, he feels average in comparison to you.”
I’m gaping at him. “What? No, I’m not. I think you need glasses, Smitty.”
Nate shakes his head. “Nope. That’s not even the most intimidating part.”
“There’s more?”
That dimple reappears when he speaks. “Yes, and this is the reason why you can’t find a rebound guy. A woman like you, a woman so irresistibly sexy has got to want a man of equal allure in bed. They think they’re outmatched.”
I snort and jab a finger at the socks lying on the floor. “By the sock monster? I don’t think so.”
He leans in and whispers in my ear. “I won’t lie to you. Every bit of it is true.”
“And you?” I turn to him and look into those blue eyes. “Are you afraid of me?”
“I’d be an idiot if I wasn’t intimidated by you. You’re incredibly sexy, smart, and determined. The more I know of you, the more I want to know. That night we were together was just a glimpse of what it would be like to be with you. I want that. You’re worth risking everything.” Nate closes the distance between us and presses his lips to my cheek.
He takes his hands and slides them up my arms until he’s cradling my head. When he tips it to the side, he lowers his mouth onto my neck, into the curve he was talking about earlier. His lips are hot and slick as he kisses that spot. My lashes lower and I suck in a jagged breath. Every inch of me wants this, wants him, but I can’t fathom what he’s told me.
I’m not that pretty. I’ve seen myself. I know. Why would any guy think that about me? I’m normal, average, with incredibly crappy luck. I mean, there’s a hot guy sucking on my neck and I want to melt into him, but at the same time, his words worry me. If he wanted to use me, he could have. If there was a time to lie to me, it's in the past. He didn’t have to say those things to be with me.
Unnerved, I pull away and press back into the headboard. Breathless, I ask, “Can we slow down?”
Nate nods slowly and looks up at me. “Anything you want.”
I manage a fake smile and nod. “It’s just that this feels like more than a random hookup. It wasn’t supposed to. It was supposed to be a one-night thing, a fuckable evening with a hot guy. Instead, it feels like you’re in my head.” And working your way into my heart. I can’t deal with that. I don’t want anyone there, not for a long time.
“If it’s any consolation, you’re in mine too. All day and night. All thoughts keep returning to you. I can’t help it, and it’s not something I wanted either.”
His words are brutally honest, unguarded. I glance up at him. “Then what are we doing?”
“I don’t know.” He slips out of bed and paces the floor for a moment, running his hands d
own his neck. His tight t-shirt clings to his body and his dark jeans hug his hips as he walks. He’s so perfect, so beautiful, and so closed off from the rest of the world. For some reason, he decided to speak to me, and I’m jacking it up.
Nate stops and glances over at me. “I don’t want to see you upset, and I know today is going to be hard for you. I meant it when I said I’d be your friend. I’m getting the vibe that you’re a loner despite all the friends you’ve made. There’s no one you completely lean on or trust.”
“After what’s happened, can you blame me?”
“No, not at all. Life takes its toll, Kerry. Just don’t shut everyone out. You can’t survive alone. Believe me, I know. I’ve tried.” Nate’s body tenses and his jaw locks. It’s like he’s ready to fight something I can’t see. He’s thinking of something specific—something he lived through. Even though it’s over, it’s still haunting him.
CHAPTER 6
After I shower and pull on another sweat suit—this one is Nate’s and really big—I check my messages. Beth left about twenty voicemails starting with a chipper ‘let’s go shopping’ to the frantic, ‘are you dead in a ditch’ message. I need to call her.
I punch in her number. When she picks up, I hear a variety of creative threats followed by shrill swearing.
“I'm sorry, Beth. I went out with Emily and ran into Nate.”
Beth sounds like she’s panting. “Nate? As in the hot teacher man?”
“Yeah. What are you doing?”
“Running.”
“Since when do you run?”
“Since I decided I wanted to wear catsuits and I realized my ass is too big. Stay on point,” she huffs. “You went home with Nate?”
“Yeah, sorta.”
“There is no sorta. Where are you now?”
“At his house.”
“Holy shit! Did you sleep with him?”
“Stop asking that question.”
“Well, it’s important! It tells me how crazy you are. That guy is risking everything for you. Either that or he’s insane and doesn’t care if he loses his job.”
“No, that’s not it. He likes me.”
“Awh, how sweet. So are you going to fuck him or not?”
“Beth!”
“Listen, bitch. We were supposed to go shopping, so get your ass back over here and let’s find you something that will make him drool.”
He’s already drooling. I want to tell her, but it sounds weird to tell another woman that Nate said I’m a goddess. From what I can tell, he thinks it too. I don’t know what to do with that. So, I agree, hoping it’ll make things more normal. “Sounds good. I’ll meet you at the mall.”
CHAPTER 7
Nate is really sweet. He offers to drive me, rescuing me from driving the bus with the beast in back. It’s the little things that make me a happy camper.
When we pull into the parking lot, he drives up to the entrance where I agreed to meet Beth. Nate watches me gather my things. “I meant what I said before. You’re beautiful.”
I smile awkwardly and nod. “Thank you?” Damn it. It wasn’t supposed to sound like a question.
Nate grabs my hand and squeezes it. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Yeah.” Just before I let go of his hand, he pulls me in and kisses me softly on the mouth.
It was totally unexpected. I gasp when he pulls away, which makes him cock his head to the side and consider me.
“I took your breath away?”
“Literally.” I can’t Hoover in air fast enough.
He laughs and lightly runs his finger over the back of my hand. “I look forward to seeing what other sexy sounds you make.”
I laugh like that will never happen, but I’m not entirely sure what’s up with him or me anymore. Stop over thinking it, Kerry. He doesn’t want a relationship and neither do you. It’s a good time and that’s it. It’s friends by day and fuckbuddies by night—minus the sock show. What the hell was I thinking?
I wink at him and walk away. Beth is perched by the doors, and apparently watched the entire exchange. “Classy. Very nice flirty thing you had going on there.”
I tuck my hair behind my ear. I haven’t felt like myself since I got to Texas. I’m constantly wearing borrowed clothes, and I feel frumpy. “Really?”
Beth’s head jerks back and she says, “Psh, hell yeah! I’d do you. I mean it was that hot. He’s eating out of your hand, and totally wishes he was eating out—”
My eyes bug out of my head as she talks. It’s loud enough that a few passersby pause to stare at us. I cover her mouth before she can say the rest. “Beth! Cut it out!”
She pulls away. “Oh, you’re no fun. You can’t do it if you can’t talk about it.” She waves a finger at me and sounds like she’s giving me ‘the talk.’
“I’m mature enough, Mom. I promise.”
She grins. “You better be, because I want details. That man is hot.”
Nodding, I agree, “He is. The thing is—“
She grabs me by the crook of my arm and tugs me toward the stores. “No. There is no thing, no problem, no nothing. He’s crazy about you and willing to get fired to fuck you. And you think he’s super hot. Remember, you bet cake? It’s time to eat the cake, Kerry.”
She stops in front of Victoria’s Secret and stares up at the window display. There are three lace teddies. The center one is rich red with a plunging neckline that goes all the way to the navel. The back is even more revealing with a piece of string at the center back strap and a G-string. That’s it.
“I’m more of a babydoll kind of girl.” I say staring at the display.
“Not anymore. This is makeover day. You’re not leaving here without something sexy.”
I frown and follow her into the store. “Babydolls are sexy.”
“Yeah, if you’re a virgin, which you’re not. And there’s no way in hell he is, so stop pretending you have no clue how smoking hot you are and get something that’s on the level you want to be.” Beth starts looking through racks of bras. She pulls one out and studies the fabric.
“Pretend for a second that you make no sense.” I give her a big dorky grin. I didn’t go shopping for sex clothes when I was with Matt. I got bras and panties, but not a fuck-me outfit.
Beth sighs and puts the bra back. “Geeze. Fine, I’ll show you myself. The super slutty stuff is always toward the back of the store. Here.” She stops in front of a display, which looks tame. “Yeah, not that. Turn around.”
When I pivot, I’m facing a nook with lots of sheer fabric, lace, and strings. “I can’t wear something like that.”
Beth folds her arms over her chest and taps her foot. “What kind of night do you want to have with him? Sweet? Chaste kisses and giggles? Then get a babydoll. If you want to have the hottest sex of your life, you need clothing that says so. Like this stuff.” She pulls out three outfits on hangers and pushes them at me.
“Beth, this is seriously a bad idea.” One of the price tags catches my eye and I nearly choke. “I can’t buy these. It’ll use up my entire paycheck for just one.”
“Money well spent, newbie. Go pick one out. Take selfies.”
I frown as I stumble toward the fitting room. “What for?”
Beth laughs and shakes her head. “Just do it. I’ll show you later.”
A sales girl opens a room for me and hangs up the barely there clothing. “Let me know if you need anything else.”
“Thanks.” I close the door as she leaves and look in the mirror. I’m a frumpy mess with frizzed-out hair and too-big sweats.
I hesitate, not wanting to put these on. What kind of person does that make me? I’m sweet and pretty. That’s how I see myself.
That’s not how Nate sees me at all.
A goddess would wear this stuff. Actually, a goddess would walk around naked and rock it. Since I can’t pull that off, maybe this isn’t that bad. You’d think the line between modesty and nude model wouldn’t be miles apart in my mind, but they are. On
e is art and the other is sex. They don’t merge and they never mingle.
After I strip, I try to put on the first teddy. It covers my body like a swimsuit, but it’s made of lace, so it’s sheer in a lot of places. The girls have no support and I don’t like the way the crotch appears to be eating my hips. It’s just weird. I pull it off and try another. Same thing. It’s not me.
Beth comes in, hollering, “I have a few more. Where are you?”
“Over here.” As I crack open the door, she shoves a few more hangers at me.
“That pink one is kind of retro. I thought it was cool.”
I glance down at it. I can’t tell what it’s supposed to look like. There’s more fabric than the other outfits, so it’s ahead on that account. I try the next teddy and the next body suit. They aren’t right. I don’t feel sexy. I feel like someone else. That is, until I try on the last one—the retro looking, light pink, lacy teddy. It has a wire in the cup, cut-away sides, and dashes of lace on a sheer bodice. The shoulders are thin straps, like a bra, and the back dips down to my waist. There are linear stripes of pink satin and then one horizontal stripe at the waist, like a belt, with a little bow in front. It makes my waist look tiny and my hips look killer curvy. The girls are up and the placement of the lace and stripes hides my nips. It’s weird how little things like that help me find my spine because I do. I straighten up and can see me owning this. I could strut in this, in heels and thigh highs. My hair could be blown out, smooth, and I can picture me wearing it, and then not wearing it.
My daydream is interrupted by soft giggles coming from the next changing room. “Shhh, they’ll hear you.”
A male voice whispers back, “You know you like getting caught.”
TMI. I slip out of the piece of lingerie and feel happy. I won’t have money to buy jeans or Pringles for another week, but sex clothes come first, right? And if things go to hell, I can pretend this is a shirt. It’ll look great with sweatpants.
As I slip into my clothes, there are noises coming from the next room and a steady moan, tap, moan combo. He must be fucking her on the little bench and it raps the wall with every thrust. Despite their attempts to be quiet, they’re far from it.