by Jack Dunn
It was the sixth day of our tour in Ireland and everybody in the group had pretty much gotten to know the basics about each other. Sarah and I had made an effort to try and dine with different people at each meal in order to learn a bit more in depth.
Tonight we were sharing a table with Lorene who was from California and Elaine who was from Wisconsin. This was the first instance we’d had the opportunity to spend some one on one time with either of them.
Elaine wasn’t the least bit reticent to start the conversation.
“I know you two are from Pennsylvania and I believe I heard that you’re not married, not that I have a problem with that. How did you two hook up?”
Sarah and I looked at each other and exchanged smiles.
“Well,” said Sarah, “we both like to tell the story but, Adam, maybe it’s your turn.”
“Okay,” I replied. It’s a little disjointed and I always have to think where to start.”
“You’re making it sound mysterious,” said Elaine. The beginning is always a good place to start.”
“All right then, but I’ll have to take you back about fifty years, back to a time when we were both in college at the State University. I was in my first year of graduate school and Sarah was in her senior year as an undergraduate. That would have been the spring semester of 1956.”
“I remember that evening as if it was yesterday. My office mate, Art, and I decided to take a break from our scholarly pursuits and head down to the Student Union Building for coffee and whatever might develop in the way of socialization. We walked into the snack bar and scanned the groups of students seated at the tables. I failed to see anyone I knew but Art after looking around said ‘ Ah, there’s some M O T’s. C’mon.’ Art was Jewish and I had been around him long enough and exposed to a bit of Jewish Culture 101 to know that meant members of the tribe.”
“We made our way across the room and stopped at this table where five coeds were seated. Art knew two of them and the next few minutes were devoted to introductions and appropriating nearby chairs to expand the seating. I was immediately attracted to this slender, dark haired and really, good looking young woman. I don’t remember if I was seated beside or across from her but I do remember that she had a nice smile. We seemed to hit it off and found things to talk about. One by one the other people at the table departed and soon just the two of us were left. I walked her back to her dorm and must have got her room/telephone number because we connected and started seeing each other.”
“Had you dated other Jewish girls,“ inquired Loreen?
“Hard to remember…I don’t think so but I didn’t date much, period. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I had a date with a coed, the entire time that I was an undergraduate.”
“That seems peculiar.”
“Not really when you understand the circumstances. I had skipped a grade in elementary school and was a year younger than my peers. At that time at the university there was a ratio of three guys to every girl, really bad odds especially for a shy young farm boy. And finally, I didn’t belong to a fraternity and the fraternity boys seemed to have the inside track with the coeds.”
“Oh, break time. Here come our drinks,” observed Elaine.
The waiter distributed the drinks, explained the specials on the menu and promised to return later for the dinner orders.
Lorene took a sip of her daiquiri and inquired, “So you two guys started dating”?
“Well, I don’t know if you’d call it dating. We started seeing each other. I was on a graduate assistantship which paid me about one hundred and five dollars a month and after I paid my rent and meals, it didn’t leave a lot for social life. As I recall, I’d pick her up at her dorm and we’d go to the Student Union Building. We’d have coffee and cigarettes. She was a light smoker and I was a heavy smoker. I remember taking her to the Mineral Sciences Building where my office was and there were some interesting mineral displays. We might have gone to a movie. I do remember going into the Corner Room downtown and she introduced me to iced coffee. The waitress brought the coffee, ice, glasses and cream and Sarah made it. I’d never had iced coffee and I was very impressed.’
“Sounds like it was a pretty innocent relationship,” observed Lorene, with a smile.
Sarah smiled in return. “Well, I refer to that period of my life as when I was a professional virgin.”
That statement produced chuckles from Lorene and Elaine.
I continued. “Well, there was that time right at the end of the semester when we went out for dinner.”
“Oh, yes,” said Sarah. “That was a pleasant evening. Better explain.”
“Okay. I had gone home, probably by bus, to get my Dad’s car and bring it up to the University so I’d have some way to get my clothes and other stuff back home for the summer. So I had some transportation for a couple of days before I had to head home.”
“We went out for dinner but I can’t remember the name of the place. I think it was out of town a few miles and it was nice. Not a diner or burger joint. It really made me feel great to be taking a special girl out to dinner.”
“Yes, observed Sarah, “that was a pleasant evening. Do you remember that afternoon we went out to the state park?”
“I sure do. We spent a lot of time together those couple of days. For me, though, it was bittersweet. I had really fallen for you but I knew that the end was around the corner.”
“What end was that?” inquired Elaine.
“Well. as you have probably surmised, Sarah is Jewish. I was raised as a Presbyterian, although even then I wasn’t affiliated with any church. Religious inter- marriage was pretty much of a no-no back in the fifties.”
Both Lorene and Elaine nodded in agreement at that observation.
I continued. “I don’t recall that we ever talked about our relationship and to what it might ever lead, perhaps, because intuitively we saw it as futile.”
Sarah nodded in agreement. “At the time, I considered Adam to be forbidden fruit. My family was not deeply religious but with the Jews there is also this cultural thing. Our backgrounds were very different. It would have been very difficult with both of our families.”
I continued. “So it all came down to that morning that we said our goodbye’s outside of her dorm. I was close to being a basket case and I couldn’t understand how calm she seemed to be. But she’s the tough one and I’m the marshmallow. Anyway, away I went with two of her friends that I’d agreed to give transportation back to the home area. It was a somewhat strange ride since I didn’t trust myself to speak for about the first thirty miles.”
“So I guess that was it for the two of you back in the your college era”, observed Elaine.
“Pretty much. Oh, I did hear from Sarah once the following winter when she was working in New York. I got a letter out of the blue. She talked about her work and living in the Big Apple. And she said there was this dentist that wanted to marry her. She didn’t elaborate on that statement so I didn’t know what to think. ”
“Did you write back?” asked Elaine.
“I don’t remember.”
“Neither do I, “added Sarah.
“Time for an intermission,” said Lorene, as she picked up a menu. “Here comes our waiter and I expect he’s going to want our dinner orders. Everybody made their selection?”
“No doubt that Adam’s going to get the salmon again,” said Sarah.
“That’s a fact. It’s my favorite seafood and what we’ve been having here is superior to back home.”
It only took a few minutes and the dinner orders were all taken.
“Well, I’m anxious to hear the continuation of the story,” said Elaine, as she stabbed at the olive in her martini with the tiny plastic cocktail sword.
“Yes, I am, too,” said Lorene. So, when you parted ways at college, that was the end of things.”
“Pretty much, for the next forty-five years or so” I replied. There were times over the years that some event or circumstance would trigger a memor
y of Sarah in my mind.
But basically we each went our separate ways and fashioned our respective lives.”
“Tell us a little bit about that.”
“Okay. Well, Sarah and the afore mentioned dentist did get married. They had three children, who at this point are married and have their own lives. Sarah’s husband, David, was a good provider and well liked in the community. The negative circumstance was that he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in his forties. However, he never had the tremors, responded well to treatment and continued his dental practice for several more years. Eventually the progression of the disease caused him to retire. Sarah was able to care for him at home for a few years but at some point his needs required nursing home placement. At an earlier time Sarah had gone to work in the office of the temple where she and her husband were congregants.”
“And how about you?” inquired Elaine.
“Well, I had a very satisfying professional experience in the field of planning and community development. My first job was with an engineering firm, followed by a short stint in state government. I then got a job as director of a county planning agency where I stayed until I retired about ten years ago. It was a great situation, lots of challenges and always seemed to be a learning experience.”
“I know that I’m being nosey but how about your personal life?” asked Lorene.
“Well, it was not so satisfying. About two years after college, I got married for the first time. It was a mistake from the get-go. I was lonely and the young lady didn’t want to go to college and didn’t want to live at home with her parents. Not much of a basis for a long term relationship. So after two years it ended on reasonably amicable terms.”
“Then, a few years later when I was working at the State, I met another young woman to whom I was attracted. We seemed compatible although our backgrounds were a bit different. The first few years were okay and during that time a son was born. As time went along, however, friction developed. She had a number of medical issues. In addition what at first seemed like some personality changes evolved into full blown mental health problems. She was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. At about the same time her physical health problems advanced to the point that she became wheelchair bound. She was in effect an invalid for about twenty years until the time of her death.”
“Did she have to be placed in an institution?”
“Only briefly on two occasions for some rehab but for the most part I was able to care for her at home with a little bit of outside help.”
“That must have been a difficult period of time for you,” observed Lorene.
“Well, to use an old cliché, I’ve always thought that you have to try and play the cards that you’ve been dealt,” I replied.
“He’s being far too modest,” said Sarah. “Some of his friends who were familiar with all he had to deal with referred to him as Saint Adam.”
Our conversation was interrupted as the waiter approached the table with the dinners. In a few minutes we were all served and were enjoying the food.
“Well, Adam, in between bites, tell us about the circumstances of you two being reunited. Did you live close to each other?”
“No. Actually our respective homes were about one hundred and fifty miles apart and neither of us had any idea of where the other lived.”
I paused for a drink of coffee and then continued. “The University played a role in my finding Sarah. Over the years on something like an annual basis I would receive mail from the alumnae association inviting me to join. I was always tempted but never followed through. Then about ten years ago the solicitation pointed out that now that I was over sixty-five and officially a senior citizen I could become a life member at half price. That got my attention. But what really got me energized was the statement that as a member I’d have access to the alumnae directory and be able to look up old friends and classmates.”
“So I immediately took the bait, sat down at the computer with credit card in hand and began the process. In the following days I anxiously checked the mail and was finally rewarded with a response from the association. Again I sat at the computer and soon gained access to the alumnae directory. And there she was! Now I knew where Sarah lived, her married name and some contact information, including the address of her work place at the temple.”
Our waiter appeared at the table to inquire as to our satisfaction with our dinner selections. We assured him that everything was excellent and to our liking and after filling our water glasses he left.
I had barely enough time for a couple of bites of salmon until Lorene urged me to continue the narrative. “I’m finding this story to be fascinating. So what was your next step, Adam?”
“Well, at that point, I had no idea of Sarah’s personal circumstances and while I was anxious to make contact, I didn’t want to be the source of any problems.”
“In other words, no awkward confrontations with a suspicious husband?” asked Elaine.
“That’s about it. So, I reasoned that the most discrete avenue would be to write to her where she worked. So I carefully crafted a letter that described my circumstances, inquired about her situation and expressed the hope that I would hear from her. I included my email address. The opening line in my letter was, Of course I’ll be crushed if you don’t remember me.”
“I had a couple of anxious days and then on the third day, I received an email in reply. It started out, Of course I remember you, the sweetest guy this side of University Park. Thrilled, excited, or pleased, no single word could do justice to my reactions on hearing from her. Her email provided some brief summary of her situation, including the point that her husband was in a nursing home.”
“Well, Sarah, how about you?” asked Lorene. “Were you surprised to hear from Adam?”
“Yes, I certainly was but more than just that. I seldom got any personal letters at work which in of itself was surprising. When I looked at the return address and saw who it was from I became a bundle of nerves. I had no idea of what it might contain and how I would react to it. I put the letter in my purse and didn’t open it to read until I got home.”
“So, Adam, what happened next?”
“The evening that I received her email, I called her on my cellphone. We had a nice conversation and in each succeeding day we had regular phone conversations and the exchange of emails. I guess we were acting like teenagers.”
“The timing was flawless,” added Sarah. “We were both in our mid-sixties and our respective spouses were in poor health with no prospects for recovery. So we really had little basis for having an upbeat outlook for the balance of our golden years. And then, out of the blue, comes this possibility for a renewed relationship. It was exciting.”
“It certainly was. Within a few days of the our contact, I departed from my usual cautious and conservative ways and said that I’d like to meet with her. She agreed. This was all happening in the middle of December and so on the Twentieth I drove to the area where she lived for a lunch date.”
“Sarah had selected a nice place for lunch and provided me with directions to get there. It was very easy to find and just a short distance off of the Interstate. I wanted to be sure and be on time and as it turned out I was about a half hour early. This was a motor inn with a small lobby and the dining room just beyond. So I sat on a sofa where I had a view of everyone coming in.”
“This is getting exciting,” said Elaine. “I guess you wouldn’t have had time to exchange pictures, so neither one of you knew what the other looked like.”
“Yes that’s so,” I replied. “And to be honest, after forty plus years we wouldn’t have recognized each other if we would have passed on the street. But neither of us thought that would be a problem and it wasn’t. At right around twelve noon, this attractive woman came thought the doors, I correctly assumed it was Sarah and got to my feet and we greeted each other.”
“Can I assume it was a warm reception?” asked Lorene.
I paused to think for a
couple of seconds. “Well, looking back, it’s sort of hard to characterize. It wasn’t a rebuff in any sense but it was hurried and she quickly took off for the coat room. I really had to hurry to catch up with her and she had her coat off and hung up before I could help her.”
Both Lorene and Elaine chuckled at that statement and Sarah shook her head and smiled.
“I guess that I’d better explain myself. I was very nervous and tense.
I hoped that our reunion would have a positive outcome of some sort but there were a lot of unknowns and I wasn’t sure of myself. On top of that I’d been a caregiver for my husband for several years and had been used to doing things for myself.”
Sarah paused and laughed. “Oh lord, Adam, tell them about the flowers.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Okay. I had brought a small bouquet of flowers and arriving early, I spoke with the head waitress, told her this was a special occasion and asked that when my guest arrived and was seated to bring the flowers over to our table.
This all happened, right on cue. When the flowers appeared, the look on Sarah’s face was one third terror, one third panic and one third worry. And it was a small table so the flowers ended up sitting on the floor until we were ready to leave.”
“I guess it seems funny now,” remarked Sarah, “but at the time I was nervous and there was some possibility that someone who knew me might come in and I would end up being accused of scandalous or adulterous behavior.”
“Sounds like a rocky beginning for your reunion, Sarah.” observed Lorene.
“Yes, it was but we soon had our lunch and were engaged in conversation and before long we were very comfortable with each other. I had taken the afternoon off from work and we went back to my home for an hour or so. All in all it was a very pleasant rendezvous. Adam left about three o’clock to go back to his home and I spent the balance of the afternoon and the evening as well with a great number of thoughts and questions swirling around in my mind.”
“So what happened next? asked Elaine. “Adam, I suppose you had the task of devising future get to gathers.”
“Yes, the ball was in my court. Well, for the next several weeks, we continued our daily phone calls and emails. Sometime during that period I developed a plan. I had continued my involvement in professional affairs in my field of work and once or twice a year there had been weekend workshops on legislative or other matters. So this was my cover story for us to enjoy a weekend at the end of January. It was a pleasant interlude from Friday night through Sunday afternoon. And it was after that we knew we wanted to be together as often as possible.”
“How did you accomplish that?”
“A few years earlier, I had taken up bicycling as a way to try and keep physically fit. Weather permitting, Sundays had become my day for riding. Instead they now became my day for being with Sarah. I would get up about three o’clock in the morning, make the drive and we would be together until mid-afternoon.”
“Seems like a fair amount of stealth involved.”
I had to pause for a few seconds to gather my thoughts before I responded to that comment.
“Yes, I guess that you could say that. But I would want you to understand that neither of us had any intention of walking away from our responsibilities. In Sarah’s case she had built a fine life and raised a family with a good man that she loved. She could not turn away from the shadow of his previous self that the disease had produced. It was not so clear cut in my situation where there were a lot of negatives. I had spent about fifteen years as my wife’s caregiver. While any feelings of love that I might once have had were long gone, she was totally dependent on me and I did pity her. I did not want to hurt her but I had no feelings of guilt because of my relationship with Sarah.”
“Well, I don’t suppose you kept your relationship a secret indefinitely, did you?” asked Lorene.
“No, early on, Sarah emailed her two daughters and her son with the news. And she confided to a few close friends. For my part, I shared the good news with my brother’s family. Neither of us got any negative responses and in fact, we received expression of delight that our personal lives had taken a positive turn. Time passed by and within a few years our respective spouses passed away and I moved to live with Sarah.”
“How long has it been that you two have lived together?”
“It’s been a bit over two years; two wonderful years. You know, I used to say that my college years were the best time of my life but they have to take second place to this time. I hope we have several more together. Agreed, Sarah?”
“Oh, absolutely. I remain persuaded that if we would have married right out of college, it would have been a mistake. On the other hand, I’m convinced that we are soul mates and that from the beginning our being together was meant to happen. There’s a Yiddish word, “beshert” which means “it was meant to be”.
She smiled.
“It was just postponed for a while.”
GOING HOME