What have I done? This was all Cat could think as she threw herself onto Luke. Literally, threw herself. I don’t even know if I’m doing this right. What if I’ve embarrassed this poor guy? Will he be humiliated? Will he be angry? No, Cat told herself. No, the hands that lifted her off the ground and returned every ounce of passion were not embarrassed by her. She had this crazy notion to kiss him in front of Clarissa and had acted on it without a second thought; so unlike herself. Cat was thankful that for once in her life she had just acted. She allowed herself to get swept up in the moment, the heat, his touch; it wasn’t until she heard Clarissa shouting and whistling coming from onlookers that she realized just how carried away she’d allowed herself to become.
Cat pulled her face away and held his cheeks between her palms. She had no idea what just happened, yet she didn’t regret it. She had only turned to kiss him and the next thing she knew, she had her legs around him. He let go of her legs and her body slid down, until her feet touched the ground. The moment had only lasted a few seconds, well ten at most, but Cat felt all the underlying tension that had been present since they had met melt away in an instant.
His eyes looked into hers as she opened them.
“I think I made her jealous,” Cat smiled.
“You think?” Luke laughed.
“Should we join the group?” Cat turned her eyes to where the rest of the party was watching Clarissa stomp angrily back to her car.
“Yeah, just give me a minute,” Luke smiled, embarrassed.
“Okay,” Cat laughed.
Once she started laughing, it seemed difficult to stop. She buried her head into his chest until she could control her giggles. She hadn’t laughed so heartily in several months.
And then it hit her again. Why did she deserve to be laughing when Landon couldn’t? He was dead and she was standing here laughing. Her laughter ended abruptly.
Luke saw the shadow cross Cat’s face and she looked at him with those dead eyes — the ones that shouldn’t belong in a person so full of life.
“I need to go,” she said suddenly, and with that, she was running into the woods. Into the dark.
What am I thinking? Cat chided herself, as she ran through the thick brush. Branches swiped at her hair. Her sandals didn’t make running away any easier.
Where am I going?
It’s not like she could run all the way back to Mimi’s. She didn’t even know what direction the parking lot was from here.
There could be bears in these woods, or snakes, or, God forbid … squirrels. It was this thought that caused Cat to slow down.
She heard the footsteps of Luke catching up to her. Putting her hands on her knees she dropped her head down to catch her breath.
“Good grief, Cat,” Luke came up behind her. “You’re pretty fast.”
Cat turned to him. The humor of the situation was not lost on her. They had just shared an amazing kiss. Then, she ran away without explanation and he catches up to tell her she runs fast. She bit her lip to keep from laughing.
“Thanks,” Cat folded her arms across her chest. “I used to run. Before —”
Luke made a mental note of that. He would be captain on the cross-country team this year and they could use some more runners. But now was not the moment to ask her about her times, or whether she preferred Asics or Saucony.
“What’s the deal, Cat?” his voice turned serious as he slowly approached her.
He walked towards her as though she was a frightened animal, afraid she might dash off again.
Cat knew what he was asking, but didn’t answer his question.
“Let’s get something straight, Luke. The only reason I kissed you was to help you out and make Clarissa leave you alone,” Cat announced.
“You’re not answering my question,” Luke took another step forward.
They were close enough now that he could reach out and touch her, but he didn’t.
“I was embarrassed from kissing you in front of all those people, so I ran away,” Cat lied badly.
It’s a good thing he can’t see my face in the dark, Cat thought to herself.
Then he would be able to see how she truly felt about him. It was written all over her face. She only hoped it wasn’t coming through in her voice. She couldn’t let herself be happy. She didn’t deserve to love like that. To be swept up in something so completely that it would take her pain away. Her pain connected her to Landon. She wasn’t ready to let go of it yet … it would be like forgetting him.
Luke touched her hand, “You can do it, Cat. It’s okay.”
“What?” she was confused.
“You can let yourself be happy. You can laugh and not feel guilty. You …”
Cat interrupted, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Luke!”
Wrenching her hand away from his, she turned and began to stomp away.
“Cat! Cat, where are you going?” Luke wanted to grab her, and laugh at her, and let her go all at the same time. Instead, he just followed as she continued to stomp deeper into the woods.
“Away from you!” came her snappy reply.
“You can’t grieve forever, Cat. It’s not healthy. You deserve to be happy,” he called after her.
She continued to stomp away.
“Landon would want you to be happy,” he tried this approach, knowing that what he said was true.
Cat stopped, but didn’t turn.
She knew he was right. Landon would have been furious to see her behaving this way. To see how she beat herself up every time she smiled or laughed. She sighed heavily. She was so scared that forgiving herself would mean forgetting Landon.
Luke walked up behind her. His hands went to her shoulders and gave them a squeeze.
“No one blames you for his death Cat,” he whispered.
“That’s not true,” a tear rolled down her cheek.
“I don’t know what happened, but you can’t keep blaming yourself,” he wrapped his arms around her.
If she was going to let herself be happy, she would first have to be honest. Luke needed to know what happened, everything that happened, before he decided to get mixed up with someone as messed up as Cat had been the last few months.
“You don’t know,” she began, turning around to face him.
“Then, tell me,” he pushed her hair from her eyes.
She looked up at him through her tears and, though it was dark, she saw understanding in his eyes. She saw someone she could trust.
He caressed her cheek with his fingertips. When he got to her chin, he tilted her head up and kissed her. Slowly, sweetly, Cat felt weak in the knees.
“Wait,” she pushed him away, “I want you to know everything first. Then, you can decide if I’m worth getting to know better.”
“I already know,” Luke answered assuredly. “But if it will make you feel better to tell me your story first, then you should. I want to know everything about you. Everything.”
The sincerity of his answer left her a little breathless.
“Where’s a good place for us to go?” Cat looked around, the woods kind of creeped her out.
“Let’s head back to the campfire, before a million rumors start flying about what we’re doing in the woods. Then we can leave,” Luke smiled.
Taking his hand, Cat let him lead her out of the woods and back to the beach. She had no idea she had run so far. She was about to ask Luke if he was sure they were headed in the right direction when she heard voices in the distance.
Whistles and cheers erupted when they emerged from the woods. Cat felt her face turn beet red.
“Oh, come on guys, we were only gone for like five minutes,” Luke brushed them off.
“That’s long enough,” yelled one guy, the football player whose name Cat couldn’t quite recall.
Luke shook his head
and laughed them off. He was still holding Cat’s hand, until Rachel came bouncing up to her.
“So? Are you guys official?” Rachel asked, looking from Luke to Cat.
Cat wasn’t sure exactly what to say. They hadn’t ironed out any details of their relationship. Cat didn’t want to say they were dating until he knew everything.
“We’re going to spend some more time together and then Luke can decide,” Cat said thoughtfully.
“Oh,” Rachel looked disappointed, “okay.”
“I think I’m going to go ahead and take Cat home,” Luke said, “I promised Mimi I’d have her back early.”
They said their goodbyes. Cat tried, with some difficulty, to remember all the names she had learned tonight. As she left, she wondered what they all thought of her — the new girl who kissed Luke in front of his ex. Did that make her somewhat of a bitch?
“They all think you’re great, you know?” Luke appeared at her side to walk her to the car.
How did it seem like he was always able to read her mind?
“I don’t know,” Cat tilted her head to the side thoughtfully.
“I do. You’re the only girl they’ve ever seen who could put Queen Clarissa in her place,” he held the door open for her to get in the truck.
“It was kind of awesome, wasn’t it?” Cat smiled.
Leaning in, he pecked her quickly on the cheek, “Damn straight, it was!”
She threw her arms around him, pulling him in, and leaned her head back with a burst of laughter. Luke couldn’t help but kiss her in that moment. The way she had smiled, her face all flushed, the desire just overcame him.
With one hand behind her neck and the other on her waist he leaned in to where she sat in the truck. He knew he had taken her by surprise by the little gasp she gave right after he kissed her. It was so innocent; he couldn’t help but kiss her again, only this time holding it for just a bit longer.
When he pulled away, he smiled at her and closed the truck door. Cat leaned back against the seat and tried to catch her breath. She placed her hand over her heart, only this time it was not aching; it was swelling with joy. How can the human heart be capable of so much feeling? One moment she’s sinking, the next soaring, and all in a matter of 24 hours. She didn’t know if this was the roller coaster of emotions she needed in her life right now, but she didn’t want to get off.
This is going to be difficult, she realized, as she thought about the task that lay before her.
How did she begin to tell him about Landon’s death? Or what had happened to her in the aftermath?
Luke had said earlier that no one blamed her for what happened. She shut her eyes, trying not to remember that what he said was entirely untrue. Someone did blame her, and because of that, she also blamed herself.
Chapter Ten
Mimi had been up reading when Cat got home.
She and Luke had already planned it out. She would go in, chat briefly about the get-together, then exclaim how crazy tired she was and go upstairs to bed.
Meanwhile, after Mimi had seen Luke’s truck drive away, he would park on the other side of the barn and carry the ladder around to her window. She would then climb down and they would find a place to be alone and talk. Simple.
It sounded like something out of a movie, Cat thought. She giggled to herself as she hopped out of the car and called loudly, “See you tomorrow!” just in case Mimi was watching or could hear.
She had butterflies in her stomach as she climbed the steps of the porch. She was a terrible liar. Anyone who knew her knew it. Of course, Mimi didn’t really know her. So, Cat had that working in her favor.
“You’re home early,” Mimi smiled, looking up from her book, when Cat came into the living room.
“I know, I’m exhausted!” Cat yawned loudly; she hoped that didn’t sound super fake.
“Well, Catie you had an early morning,” Mimi nodded.
Good, she bought it, Cat thought.
“I had fun tonight. It was nice to meet some new people,” Cat smiled. “But I think I’m going to bed. Another early morning tomorrow, right?”
“No work tomorrow,” Mimi chirped.
“Awesome,” Cat was filled with glee.
“Church tomorrow. I’ll wake you up around 8am, okay?” Mimi looked back at her book.
“Oh, um, okay,” Cat responded and went to climb the stairs.
She had never attended church other than an occasional wedding. Her dad was Catholic and her mom used to be Baptist, but they had never decided in which denomination to raise their daughters, and as such, they rarely went. Except for holidays, or weddings … or funerals added a voice in the back of Cat’s mind.
She was so lost in thought she had forgotten about Luke, until she heard a rapping at the window and let out a squeal as she nearly jumped out of her skin.
“Catie? Catie, are you okay?” Mimi’s voice called up the stairs.
Cat looked at the window where Luke stood on the ladder with wide eyes.
“I — I’m fine!” she called, “I thought I saw a mouse, but it was my-uh-my shoe! I’m going to bed now! Good night!”
“Night!” Mimi called back.
Cat listened until she was certain Mimi’s footsteps led her into her own bedroom downstairs before she crossed to open the window.
“What the hell, Cat?!” Luke hissed.
“Sorry, you scared me,” she hissed back.
“But you knew I was coming,” he snapped as he climbed into her room.
“Well, I forgot okay,” Cat retorted in his face.
Then she softened. Would it always be like this with him? She grabbed his face, and pressed her lips against his, catching him completely off guard. He stumbled back, making the window rattle slightly in its frame. A floorboard creaked.
“Shh!” she said, pulling away and putting a finger to her lips.
He pushed her hand away and kissed her with equal if not greater force than what she used on him, causing her to stumble backwards to the bed.
She allowed herself to lay back, pulling him with her. Obliging, he lay down with her, and holding himself up with one arm, he cradled her head with the other. He kissed her — her lips, her cheeks, even the tip of her nose, down her neck, across her collar bone, until he pushed himself away, quite suddenly, and sat up.
Cat was confused.
“What-what’s wrong?” she sat up as well, straightening her hair.
“This is just too dangerous, Cat,” Luke smiled at her. “I want you too badly to be in your room, in your bed, alone with you.”
“We were just kissing,” Cat felt ashamed.
“I know,” Luke leaned in and kissed her cheek, “but I think you are too special for me to take advantage of you like that.”
Her heart swelled with admiration.
“I think I was the one taking advantage of you,” she laughed.
“You wanted to talk to me before we got serious anyway, remember?” Luke smiled in the way that revealed a dimple in one cheek. Cat melted. Maybe this was too dangerous. He pushed himself away from her and stood, extending his hand to help her off the bed.
“Do you have somewhere we could go?” Cat accepted his hand and walked to the window.
They had planned her escape perfectly, but she had no idea where they were going to go afterwards.
“I have the perfect place,” Luke kissed her hand before hoisting himself noiselessly through the window. He was so much better at this sneaking thing than Cat was, she decided. She followed after him with considerably less stealth, but thankful, at least, that Mimi wasn’t disturbed.
Fifteen minutes later, Luke pulled the truck to a halt. Even though it was nearly 11pm, Cat could see the outline of an old barn against the night sky. The half-moon provided ample light on the field before them. Allowing her gaze to track upwards, Cat
held her breath. The stars were unlike anything Cat had ever beheld. Other than visits to the planetarium at the Museum of Natural History near her home, she had never seen the stars so clearly. It was astounding. The touch of his hand by her side brought her gaze back down.
“Is that a barn?” she asked curiously, nodding towards the hillside.
“It is,” Luke hopped out of the truck and came around to open her door.
By now, Cat had learned not to open the door herself. She could get used to this kind of chivalry.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” she asked as he helped her out.
Luke looked around, “I don’t think so.”
“I’m allergic to hay, Luke.”
“There’s not any hay in this barn, Cat. You’ll be fine,” he smiled and led her up the worn dirt path to the side door.
Cat had never heard of a barn without any hay before. But, then again, she had never spent time in any barns so what did she know?
He opened the tack room door and turned on a desk lamp that was sitting on a table, illuminating the small room.
Cat could see an old couch against the wall that was covered with a colorful quilt. She saw the table by the door that held jars full of paint brushes of every imaginable size. Floor to ceiling shelves housed every possible color of paint, and then some. Cat saw a few easels on the other wall and stacks of canvases. She shook her head; she thought, this was a barn not an art studio.
“Where are we?” she turned to Luke.
“This is my barn. Well, you know, my dad’s barn,” he said, as he looked to his feet. “You’re the first person I’ve ever brought here.”
“Your barn?” she looked around. “You paint?”
“First, your story, Cat. Then, we can get to mine,” he said as he led her to the couch.
What Cat Lost (The Last Life of Cat Book 1) Page 10