She turned left to walk the ten blocks up to 91st street. When she reached the 90th street reservoir entrance, she paused for a moment before climbing the steps to the track that circled the reservoir. She began to walk around it alone.
She ran here most every morning, though she hadn’t in the last week. The scene was a lot different from when she and Landon had walked around it in January. They had been the only ones out that day. Today, Cat walked around it leisurely while dozens of joggers darted around her. The sun warmed her skin as she continued to make her lap. When she reached the bench that she and Landon had sat on that day, she took a seat.
Cat wasn’t sure how long she sat there. She only knew she was starving and her bladder told her she needed to go to the bathroom. Deciding it was pointless to continue sitting there and risk peeing on herself, she marched herself to Le Pain Quotidien, where she stayed until school let out, so she could walk home under the pretense of coming home from school.
Cat continued this charade until Wednesday.
She walked in the door after spending most of the day perusing the new exhibit at MOMA when she was suddenly approached by her two very flustered parents.
“I’m in trouble, aren’t I?” Cat said simply. She didn’t even try to play the “whatever could be wrong?” card.
Her father said, “Yes” at the same time her mother answered, “No.”
They looked at each other.
“No,” her father surrendered. “But you have some explaining to do.”
“I got a call from your school this morning asking why you hadn’t been there yet this week. I told them I’d watched you leave every day,” her mother rubbed her temples. “Cathleen, you must know how worried we were!”
“I came home from work, missing a very important meeting,” her father added.
After Cat’s mother shot him a look, he amended his statement.
“That’s not important,” he sighed. “What’s important is that you’re safe. But we were frantic with worry. After what Landon did to himself …”
“I’m not going to kill myself,” Cat practically shouted. “I just wasn’t ready to go back yet. I’m still not ready!”
“Well, I’m sorry. We’re both sorry. But it’s time for you to go back. You don’t have a choice,” her father’s voice was firm.
His Blackberry beeped.
“I need to take this,” he said. With that, he retreated to his study, leaving Cat and her mother in the foyer.
“They’re going to let you retake the tests you’ve missed,” her mother said, as though that would make her feel better.
Cat looked at the tile flooring.
“I’m supposed to make sure you’re there tomorrow by seven a.m.,” her mother added. “I’ll be riding with you.”
Cat nodded. She knew there was no further discussion on the matter. She knew she should probably retreat to her room and study. She hadn’t picked up a textbook in over a week. Instead, she laid down on the couch mindlessly flipping through channels until she ate dinner and abruptly went to bed.
The week passed and Cat remained in her zombie-like state. She was certain she had flunked her tests. She hadn’t even paid attention to what bubble she was filling in on the scantron forms. She made the pattern of a flower on one, and the other was a waterfall with rocks at the bottom. She was certain she had filled in more than one oval per line several times.
They would probably call her parents, Cat realized. But she felt too numb to have any worry about that.
She walked through the halls like a ghost. It wasn’t until the next week, on Wednesday, when Meghan approached her cautiously in the hall that Cat felt some emotion stirring inside her.
“There’s a party this weekend,” she said apprehensively. It was the first big party since Landon’s death.
“It might be good for you to get out, Cat,” she added.
Cat was suddenly overcome with the desire to go to a party. Anything. Anything that would help her to forget the sadness she’d been drowning in. She wanted to bury the pain. Bury it so deep that she would forget about it.
After all, Landon had said she had two lives left. She wanted to live them recklessly.
“What time could you pick me up?” Cat faked an excited smile.
“Don’t you want to know where it’s going to be?” Meghan looked at her friend curiously.
“Oh, sure,” Cat backpedaled. “Where is it?”
“Only at Matt Darlington’s” Meghan shrieked. “He still likes you, you know?”
“Really?” Suddenly, Cat had another way to lose herself in mind. She set her thoughts on this party and meditated on it all week. It would be a night to remember, she told herself. A night that would help her forget.
Chapter Thirteen
Her mother and father had happily agreed to allowing Cat a night out. They said it would be good for her to surround herself with friends during this difficult time. If only they knew what Cat had in mind.
Meghan picked her up at 8pm sharp. The party had officially begun at seven, but Cat always believed in being fashionably late. She had left her house in a classy Ralph Lauren sundress, but had asked Meghan to bring her something scandalous to change into. She quickly changed into a barely-there, sequined dress by Zac Posen in the backseat of the car. Meghan had even brought her a pair of her mother’s five-inch Brian Atwood heels to complete the ensemble.
“Cat, you look fab,” her friend beamed, as they stepped out of the town car and stared up at the Fifth Avenue mansion.
“Thanks,” Cat felt her stomach doing somersaults at the thought of what she had planned for the evening.
“You know Ralph Lauren only lives a few blocks north of here,” Meghan said knowingly.
“Yes, I know,” Cat tried to feign interest, but she had known that fact for years.
Once inside, Cat walked straight to the bar. Forgetting Landon seemed like such a daunting task. Maybe after a few shots it would seem more easily achievable.
Meghan took two shots of tequila with Cat, before flitting off after her latest love interest.
“Trying to get drunk, Cat?” a familiar voice spoke.
Cat turned to see Samuel standing there with a shot in hand.
“This will get you there faster,” he said.
“What is it?” Cat eyed it suspiciously.
“Do you really want to know?” he smiled coyly.
Cat took a deep breath. Knowing Samuel, it was probably laced with some sort of drug. Cat shrugged, ignoring the screaming voice in her head, and downed it in one gulp.
“Now, let’s go enjoy the party,” he said as he took her hand and led her into the oversized living room that served as the dance floor.
The beat of the music seemed to pulse through her very veins. The flashing lights and the spinning of the disco ball all seemed to swirl together. She felt lighter than air.
Cat couldn’t remember what she was doing or where she was exactly. She knew she had a mission, but that too seemed to elude her. All she could think was how free and relaxed she felt, as though floating. Is this what it felt like to be high? Cat guessed it was, but she had never tried any sort of drug before.
Samuel took her hand again. He was leading her somewhere. There were steps and she stumbled. At one point, she took off one of the five-inch heels and carried it as she hobbled along, laughing nonsensically. Cat couldn’t think straight enough to care or to wonder where she was going. The music seemed further away. The lights had faded. She felt like she was suddenly falling. It was an uneasy sensation. She stopped to hold on to the wall to keep herself upright.
“Wait,” she pulled back, leaning heavily on the wall. “I’m falling.”
“It’s all good, Cat,” Samuel hissed in her ear. “You’ll feel better when you lay down.”
“Good idea,” Cat agreed.
She needed to lie down. To sleep. She didn’t like this feeling at all. Like she was spinning and free falling at the same time. She could barely walk straight.
When Samuel laid her down on the bed, she closed her eyes.
Cat opened them again to find Samuel, half on top of her, groping her. Where was she? Oh right, a party. Cat began putting things together. She had taken a shot of whatever he had given her, and after that, her memory was fuzzy. The drink had obviously been a poor decision on her part.
Samuel’s hand was up her dress, on her chest; his mouth was on her neck. This felt disgusting, like being slobbered on by a big dog. But, then again, Samuel had much more experience in this area than Cat did. Maybe this was what fooling around was supposed to be like. She closed her eyes and tried to enjoy it for a moment. Thus far, she had been quite successful at forgetting. She congratulated herself. Landon was completely forgotten. At the thought of his name, pain started seeping back in. It was a duller pain, not quite as sharp or intense as before.
Cat took a deep breath. She needed to throw herself more into this awkward make-out session if she was to forget Landon again. She desperately wanted to forget him. And soon.
Samuel was obviously drunk himself, as he was fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. He was completely on top of her now.
Samuel grabbed her hand and moved it into his pants. Cat tried to pull it away, but he wouldn’t let her hand go.
Suddenly, with panic, she realized what she had gotten herself into. She didn’t want to do this. She only prayed it wasn’t too late to get out of it.
Again, she tried to pull her hand away. And again, Samuel held her hand in place.
“Let’s go back downstairs,” she tried sitting up.
“I don’t think so,” he said, rubbing her hand against himself.
Cat was mortified. She pushed against him harder; but this time, he pushed her back roughly onto the bed.
She formed her hand into a fist, “You can’t make me do that to you! You’re sick!”
Suddenly, he had both of her hands pinned above her head.
“Fine!” he shouted back; his breath reeked of liquor. “I’ll just have to find another way to finish!”
His free hand was undoing his pants. Cat kicked him as hard as she could. She tried to dig the other five-inch heel right through his shin.
He shouted a stream of profanities and slapped her hard across the face. Suddenly, his hand was around her throat as she gasped for air.
“You try that again and I’ll beat the shit out of you,” he hissed, with his face an inch above hers.
Releasing his hold on her, Cat gasped for air and began to sob.
“Please, Samuel,” she stuttered. “Please let me go!”
She tried to sit up once more and was backhanded across the other cheek.
Cat bit her tongue; she could taste the blood in her mouth. She wanted to reach and make sure all of her teeth were still there, but Samuel still had her hands painfully pinned above her head.
He had gotten his pants down now and was violently pushing her dress up; he pulled down her panties.
Please, please God make him stop, Cat prayed with all her might.
When he pushed himself against her, Cat felt another wave of nausea. Turning her head towards Samuel, she puked all over him, herself included.
“You nasty bitch!” he pushed off the bed and ran into the bathroom to wash the vomit off.
Cat didn’t care about the fact that she was covered in her own sick, she got out of there as quickly as she could. Running down the stairs, with both shoes in her hand at this point, she bolted out the door before anyone could even comment on her appearance. She ran to the end of the block, turned, and ran three more blocks south. Only then did she decide it was safe to stop and catch her breath. She crossed Fifth Avenue and sat on a park bench. She wasn’t sure what time it was, at some point she remembered her cell phone reading 12:45am. She didn’t know how she was getting home; Meghan was supposed to be her ride. She hadn’t seen her since they’d first arrived.
Leaning her head into her hands, she began to sob. How could she have been so stupid? Landon would have been furious with her if he had seen the way she’d behaved. She couldn’t believe she had actually tried to get drunk, or that she had accepted that drink. She shook her head at her own foolishness. She was ashamed. She felt so guilty and alone. It was her fault that she couldn’t see straight. It was her fault that she was nearly raped tonight. Burying her head further into her arms, Cat let out a cry of agony. It was her fault that Landon was dead.
Cat let herself cry for another moment before she decided it was time to go home. There was something she had to do. Coming into the front door, she opened it as quietly as she could. On tiptoe, she crept towards the stairs and found a note waiting for her on the landing.
“Cat, we hope you had a great time at the party. Your father and I are going out with Dave and Kim on their new yacht. Be back very late! Love you, Mom”
“Perfect,” Cat thought to herself. This would make the task at hand that much easier.
Cat no longer felt the need to tiptoe as she climbed the stairs with steadfast resolve to the third landing, where her parents’ bedroom was. Opening the double doors into their huge master bath, Cat went to work. They had to have some prescriptions somewhere in here. Something that Cat could take enough of in order to never wake up again. Cat searched for thirty minutes, but all she found were muscle relaxers from when her mom had sprained her ankle last fall.
Cat examined the bottle. This would have to do. She took three and waited a few minutes. Nothing. She popped in three more. She realized that if she was going to do this, she might as well get it over with already. Turning the bottle up, she swallowed several more capsules.
She laid down on the bathroom floor. She could feel her heart and her breathing slowing down, when somewhere in the distance, she heard someone screaming her name. It was like trying to hear someone underwater. There was a lot of noise, but none of it made sense.
She tried to open her eyes to see what was going on but she couldn’t. She couldn’t move at all for that matter.
She wanted to shout, ‘Hey you! Keep it down, I’m trying to die here!’ But alas, her mouth wouldn’t work, either.
The fog was getting thicker, the noises were sinking further and further away. Perhaps she was dead. Being dead meant all her pain would be dead, too. Cat smiled on the inside at that thought.
Chapter Fourteen
She was not dead. Dead people didn’t continue to think, as far as Cat knew. Dead people certainly didn’t hear things, of that Cat was quite sure. She had been hearing noises for some time now. Some were voices, shouting, loud mechanical sounds, the wailing of a siren, all sorts of sounds.
Cat was just beginning to realize that she must be alive when she noticed she was now able to move, too. Carefully, she opened one eyelid and then another.
Light green walls, white sheets, medical equipment. “Another hospital,” Cat groaned.
“Oh well, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” Cat murmured to herself.
Somewhere in her mind she heard Landon’s voice laughing at her. “You should have remembered you had two lives left, Cat,” it seemed to say.
“One life left now,” she said aloud.
The loudness of her voice in the still room startled her. It sounded dry. Cat realized she was quite parched. She tried to move her hand towards the call button on the side of the bed, but found that her hands and arms were strapped down.
Seriously? Cat looked at the straps. What do they think I’m going to do?
“Kill yourself,” the voice in her head answered her before she’d even finished the question.
Cat laughed. Her laughter immediately turned to sobs. She knew she wouldn’t try it again. She hadn’t really wanted t
o die in the first place. That was why she had started taking the pills so slowly to begin with, so someone could find her and stop her before it was too late. Death wasn’t the answer. She’d been foolish enough to trick herself into thinking that it could be. The pain of Landon’s death was unbearable. How did people get through circumstances like this?
Did they pray? Did the thought of a God listening to them and being there so they weren’t experiencing it alone make them feel better? The thought of it did sound nice. Cat had never been a particularly spiritual person. She had been to church for some of the major Christian holidays at some point in her life and occasionally she would accompany her father to mass, but that was about it. She knew the Lord’s Prayer. Cat said it in her head. She didn’t feel any different.
“God, I’m so alone,” Cat prayed. “Be with me. Ease my pain. Please.”
Cat didn’t feel that was polite enough so she added, “Thanks, I mean, thank you.”
Surprisingly she felt a little bit better. Was it admitting the fact that she was in pain that made her feel better? Was it the thought of having someone there to take this burden from her? Cat wasn’t sure, but she did feel better.
Cat was just in the midst of deciding she should try this prayer thing more often when the door opened.
“Cat?” Lili asked, “Mom! Dad! She’s awake!”
Lili hurried to her side.
“Cat! I was so scared when I found you!” Lili sniffled; her eyes were brimming with tears.
“I’m so sorry,” Cat whispered. She wanted to reach out to her sister, but again found she was tightly strapped down. She didn’t like the feeling of having her arms held down. It made her think of the last time, which was still all too fresh in her memory.
Looking from her sister to her parents’ worried faces, she realized the agony she had put them through. She felt another wave of guilt wash over her.
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