by Jane Austen
Page 51
Harriet, who had been standing in no unhappy reverie, was yet very glad to be called from it, by the now encouraging manner of such a judge, and such a friend as Miss Woodhouse, and only wanted invitation, to give the history of her hopes with great, though trembling delight. -Emmas tremblings as she asked, and as she listened, were better concealed than Harriets, but they were not less.
Her voice was not unsteady; but her mind was in all the perturbation that such a development of self, such a burst of threatening evil, such a confusion of sudden and perplexing emotions, must create. -She listened with much inward suffering, but with great outward patience, to Harriets detail. -Methodical, or well arranged, or very well delivered, it could not be expected to be; but it contained, when separated from all the feebleness and tautology of the narration, a substance to sink her spirit-especially with the corroborating circumstances, which her own memory brought in favour of Mr. Knightleys most improved opinion of Harriet.
Harriet had been conscious of a difference in his behaviour ever since those two decisive dances. -Emma knew that he had, on that occasion, found her much superior to his expectation. From that evening, or at least from the time of Miss Woodhouses encouraging her to think of him, Harriet had begun to be sensible of his talking to her much more than he had been used to do, and of his having indeed quite a different manner towards her; a manner of kindness and sweetness!-Latterly she had been more and more aware of it.
When they had been all walking together, he had so often come and walked by her, and talked so very delightfully!-He seemed to want to be acquainted with her. Emma knew it to have been very much the case.
She had often observed the change, to almost the same extent. -Harriet repeated expressions of approbation and praise from him-and Emma felt them to be in the closest agreement with what she had known of his opinion of Harriet. He praised her for being without art or affectation, for having simple, honest, generous, feelings. -She knew that he saw such recommendations in Harriet; he had dwelt on them to her more than once. -Much that lived in Harriets memory, many little particulars of the notice she had received from him, a look, a speech, a removal from one chair to another, a compliment implied, a preference inferred, had been unnoticed, because unsuspected, by Emma. Circumstances that might swell to half an hours relation, and contained multiplied proofs to her who had seen them, had passed undiscerned by her who now heard them; but the two latest occurrences to be mentioned, the two of strongest promise to Harriet, were not without some degree of witness from Emma herself. -The first, was his walking with her apart from the others, in the lime-walk at Donwell, where they had been walking some time before Emma came, and he had taken pains (as she was convinced) to draw her from the rest to himself-and at first, he had talked to her in a more particular way than he had ever done before, in a very particular way indeed!-(Harriet could not recall it without a blush. ) He seemed to be almost asking her, whether her affections were engaged. -But as soon as she (Miss Woodhouse) appeared likely to join them, he changed the subject, and began talking about farming:-The second, was his having sat talking with her nearly half an hour before Emma came back from her visit, the very last morning of his being at Hartfield-though, when he first came in, he had said that he could not stay five minutes-and his having told her, during their conversation, that though he must go to London, it was very much against his inclination that he left home at all, which was much more (as Emma felt) than he had acknowledged to her.
The superior degree of confidence towards Harriet, which this one article marked, gave her severe pain.
On the subject of the first of the two circumstances, she did, after a little reflection, venture the following question.
"Might he not?-Is not it possible, that when enquiring, as you thought, into the state of your affections, he might be alluding to Mr. Martin-he might have Mr. Martins interest in view? But Harriet rejected the suspicion with spirit.
"Mr. Martin! No indeed!-There was not a hint of Mr. Martin.
I hope I know better now, than to care for Mr. Martin, or to be suspected of it. "
When Harriet had closed her evidence, she appealed to her dear Miss Woodhouse, to say whether she had not good ground for hope.
"I never should have presumed to think of it at first," said she,
"but for you. You told me to observe him carefully, and let his behaviour be the rule of mine-and so I have. But now I seem to feel that I may deserve him; and that if he does chuse me, it will not be any thing so very wonderful. "
The bitter feelings occasioned by this speech, the many bitter feelings, made the utmost exertion necessary on Emmas side, to enable her to say on reply,
"Harriet, I will only venture to declare, that Mr. Knightley is the last man in the world, who would intentionally give any woman the idea of his feeling for her more than he really does. "
Harriet seemed ready to worship her friend for a sentence so satisfactory; and Emma was only saved from raptures and fondness, which at that moment would have been dreadful penance, by the sound of her fathers footsteps. He was coming through the hall. Harriet was too much agitated to encounter him. "She could not compose herself-Mr. Woodhouse would be alarmed-she had better go;"-with most ready encouragement from her friend, therefore, she passed off through another door-and the moment she was gone, this was the spontaneous burst of Emmas feelings: "Oh God! that I had never seen her!"
The rest of the day, the following night, were hardly enough for her thoughts. -She was bewildered amidst the confusion of all that had rushed on her within the last few hours.
Every moment had brought a fresh surprize; and every surprize must be matter of humiliation to her. -How to understand it all!
How to understand the deceptions she had been thus practising on herself, and living under!-The blunders, the blindness of her own head and heart!-she sat still, she walked about, she tried her own room, she tried the shrubbery-in every place, every posture, she perceived that she had acted most weakly; that she had been imposed on by others in a most mortifying degree; that she had been imposing on herself in a degree yet more mortifying; that she was wretched, and should probably find this day but the beginning of wretchedness.
To understand, thoroughly understand her own heart, was the first endeavour. To that point went every leisure moment which her fathers claims on her allowed, and every moment of involuntary absence of mind.
How long had Mr. Knightley been so dear to her, as every feeling declared him now to be? When had his influence, such influence begun?-When had he succeeded to that place in her affection, which Frank Churchill had once, for a short period, occupied?-She looked back; she compared the two-compared them, as they had always stood in her estimation, from the time of the latters becoming known to her-and as they must at any time have been compared by her, had it-oh! had it, by any blessed felicity, occurred to her, to institute the comparison. -She saw that there never had been a time when she did not consider Mr. Knightley as infinitely the superior, or when his regard for her had not been infinitely the most dear. She saw, that in persuading herself, in fancying, in acting to the contrary, she had been entirely under a delusion, totally ignorant of her own heart-and, in short, that she had never really cared for Frank Churchill at all!
This was the conclusion of the first series of reflection.
This was the knowledge of herself, on the first question of inquiry, which she reached; and without being long in reaching it. -She was most sorrowfully indignant; ashamed of every sensation but the one revealed to her-her affection for Mr. Knightley. -Every other part of her mind was disgusting.
With insufferable vanity had she believed herself in the secret of every bodys feelings; with unpardonable arrogance proposed to arrange every bodys destiny. She was proved to have been universally mistaken; and she had not quite done nothing-for she had done mischief.
She had brought evil on Harriet, on herself, and she too much feared, on Mr. Knightley.
-Were this most unequal of all connexions to take place, on her must rest all the reproach of having given it a beginning; for his attachment, she must believe to be produced only by a consciousness of Harriets;-and even were this not the case, he would never have known Harriet at all but for her folly.
Mr. Knightley and Harriet Smith!-It was a union to distance every wonder of the kind. -The attachment of Frank Churchill and Jane Fairfax became commonplace, threadbare, stale in the comparison, exciting no surprize, presenting no disparity, affording nothing to be said or thought. -Mr. Knightley and Harriet Smith!-Such an elevation on her side! Such a debasement on his! It was horrible to Emma to think how it must sink him in the general opinion, to foresee the smiles, the sneers, the merriment it would prompt at his expense; the mortification and disdain of his brother, the thousand inconveniences to himself. -Could it be?-No; it was impossible.
And yet it was far, very far, from impossible. -Was it a new circumstance for a man of first-rate abilities to be captivated by very inferior powers? Was it new for one, perhaps too busy to seek, to be the prize of a girl who would seek him?-Was it new for any thing in this world to be unequal, inconsistent, incongruous-or for chance and circumstance (as second causes) to direct the human fate?
Oh! had she never brought Harriet forward! Had she left her where she ought, and where he had told her she ought!-Had she not, with a folly which no tongue could express, prevented her marrying the unexceptionable young man who would have made her happy and respectable in the line of life to which she ought to belong-all would have been safe; none of this dreadful sequel would have been.
How Harriet could ever have had the presumption to raise her thoughts to Mr. Knightley!-How she could dare to fancy herself the chosen of such a man till actually assured of it!-But Harriet was less humble, had fewer scruples than formerly. -Her inferiority, whether of mind or situation, seemed little felt. -She had seemed more sensible of Mr. Eltons being to stoop in marrying her, than she now seemed of Mr. Knightleys. -Alas! was not that her own doing too? Who had been at pains to give Harriet notions of self-consequence but herself?-Who but herself had taught her, that she was to elevate herself if possible, and that her claims were great to a high worldly establishment?-If Harriet, from being humble, were grown vain, it was her doing too.
CHAPTER XII
Till now that she was threatened with its loss, Emma had never known how much of her happiness depended on being first with Mr. Knightley, first in interest and affection. -Satisfied that it was so, and feeling it her due, she had enjoyed it without reflection; and only in the dread of being supplanted, found how inexpressibly important it had been. -Long, very long, she felt she had been first; for, having no female connexions of his own, there had been only Isabella whose claims could be compared with hers, and she had always known exactly how far he loved and esteemed Isabella.
She had herself been first with him for many years past.
She had not deserved it; she had often been negligent or perverse, slighting his advice, or even wilfully opposing him, insensible of half his merits, and quarrelling with him because he would not acknowledge her false and insolent estimate of her own-but still, from family attachment and habit, and thorough excellence of mind, he had loved her, and watched over her from a girl, with an endeavour to improve her, and an anxiety for her doing right, which no other creature had at all shared. In spite of all her faults, she knew she was dear to him; might she not say, very dear?-When the suggestions of hope, however, which must follow here, presented themselves, she could not presume to indulge them.
Harriet Smith might think herself not unworthy of being peculiarly, exclusively, passionately loved by Mr. Knightley. She could not.
She could not flatter herself with any idea of blindness in his attachment to her. She had received a very recent proof of its impartiality. -How shocked had he been by her behaviour to Miss Bates! How directly, how strongly had he expressed himself to her on the subject!-Not too strongly for the offence-but far, far too strongly to issue from any feeling softer than upright justice and clear-sighted goodwill. -She had no hope, nothing to deserve the name of hope, that he could have that sort of affection for herself which was now in question; but there was a hope (at times a slight one, at times much stronger,) that Harriet might have deceived herself, and be overrating his regard for her. -Wish it she must, for his sake-be the consequence nothing to herself, but his remaining single all his life.
Could she be secure of that, indeed, of his never marrying at all, she believed she should be perfectly satisfied. -Let him but continue the same Mr. Knightley to her and her father, the same Mr. Knightley to all the world; let Donwell and Hartfield lose none of their precious intercourse of friendship and confidence, and her peace would be fully secured. -Marriage, in fact, would not do for her.
It would be incompatible with what she owed to her father, and with what she felt for him. Nothing should separate her from her father.
She would not marry, even if she were asked by Mr. Knightley.
It must be her ardent wish that Harriet might be disappointed; and she hoped, that when able to see them together again, she might at least be able to ascertain what the chances for it were. -She should see them henceforward with the closest observance; and wretchedly as she had hitherto misunderstood even those she was watching, she did not know how to admit that she could be blinded here. -He was expected back every day. The power of observation would be soon given-frightfully soon it appeared when her thoughts were in one course. In the meanwhile, she resolved against seeing Harriet. -It would do neither of them good, it would do the subject no good, to be talking of it farther. -She was resolved not to be convinced, as long as she could doubt, and yet had no authority for opposing Harriets confidence. To talk would be only to irritate. -She wrote to her, therefore, kindly, but decisively, to beg that she would not, at present, come to Hartfield; acknowledging it to be her conviction, that all farther confidential discussion of one topic had better be avoided; and hoping, that if a few days were allowed to pass before they met again, except in the company of others-she objected only to a tete-a-tete-they might be able to act as if they had forgotten the conversation of yesterday. -Harriet submitted, and approved, and was grateful.