“I think you already know Dee and Dem aren’t about that kind of thing.”
“What kind of thing?”
“Possessiveness.”
“And you think I am?”
He smiled. “Aly why don’t you ask me what you want to ask me?”
“What makes you think I have something to ask you?”
“Common sense.”
I swallowed, hard. “Fine. The twins. Are they your girlfriends, or something? They are, right? And they’re okay with you having a little plaything on the side?”
That amused look on his face only deepened, to the point that he laughed, shaking his head. “You’ve got that all twisted, Aly. If anything, I’m the plaything on the side.”
My eyes narrowed. “What?”
“Dee and Dem don’t have romantic feelings for anyone except themselves. We’ve known each other a long time – we’re really good friends. I’d kill a motherfucker over them, and they’d do the same - and extend that same protection to you, if I asked. Do we have fun sometimes – that’s our business as grown, consenting adults, but I think you already know that answer is yes. What else would you like to know?”
Great question.
I wasn’t sure why I’d brought them up, other than an easy way to get the attention off myself. Only, that had backfired, because now I looked like some jealous weirdo, all wound up over some guy I’d met not even two weeks ago.
Why the hell should I care what he was doing with the twins? I’d never planned to see him again, and as he’d said – it wasn’t my business.
“Can I take your silence as a no?” he asked, moving to step closer. “Does this mean you’re done deflecting, and ready to give me a real answer?”
“A real answer to what?”
“How have you been?”
“I’ve been horrible,” I answered, honestly this time, though I didn’t mean to. I couldn’t catch the words before they came tumbling out of my mouth. “My grandmother is dying, Nadiah is waffling on a scholarship that could change her world, Ruby Hartford is inserting herself into my life, and my boss hates me. Oh, and, everything I thought I knew about society might be a lie. So there you have it.”
Since everybody wanted to press me today, they could accept whatever spilled at their feet.
Or not.
Either way, I felt a little better having spoken it aloud.
I was so preoccupied with my thoughts I hadn’t realized Maddox was approaching until his arms were around me. He completely enveloped me, arms tight around my shoulders, my face pressed against his chest. It caught me so off guard I stiffened at first, but then I melted.
The steady, comforting warmth of his body felt too good not to.
“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time,” he muttered into my hair, and I had to close my eyes, squeezing them tight to stem the sudden urge for tears. It wasn’t as if Nadiah, Harriet – hell, even Ruby – hadn’t offered words of comfort, or a shoulder to cry on. I was hard pressed to accept it because I wasn’t that girl. I didn’t cry, I didn’t get emotional – I swallowed it. Maybe I thought about crying, or I almost cried, but then instead I sucked it up, and I got shit done. Tears and talking things out took too much time. Too much energy.
Neither of which I had to spare, when there were things to do, things to take care of.
But maybe, just for a second, since I barely knew him anyway, and he was leaving soon, and his arms felt like a comfortable place to call home… maybe I could take a moment to let it all go.
Just this one time.
My hands were pinned between us, so I couldn’t return his embrace. Instead, I pulled handfuls of his shirt into my fists as tears rolled down my face, and he didn’t move. He held me a little tighter as I cried, and my stress slipped away. After a few minutes, I felt his hand under my chin, tipping my head back to point my face toward his.
He said nothing.
Just picked up a dry towel from the stack on the counter, using it to clean my face. It was a simple thing – the simplest of things – but so nurturing that it made my chest hurt.
When he put the towel down, he kissed me.
So, so softly at first, like he was testing the waters – making sure I was okay. I pressed into him, seeking more. Needing more. And that was all the invitation he needed to devour me. His tongue probed the seam of my mouth, seeking entry I eagerly gave. His hand tangled in the braids at the base of my head, gripping and holding me in placed as he licked and explored, taking my breath away before he pulled back, finishing with another soft brush of his lips.
“Do you feel better now?” he asked, prompting my eyes to narrow.
“Because you kissed me?”
He laughed. “No. Because you let it all out.”
“Oh. Oh. Yes, actually,” I replied. “Thanks for letting me ruin your shirt.”
“Just a little salt water,” he shrugged, offering a lazy grin I couldn’t look at too long. “Although, you had a little snot going on too…”
Immediately, I stepped back, embarrassed, but Maddox was laughing as he caught me by the elbows, pulling me back into him.
“Chill, Aly. I’m just teasing you.”
“That doesn’t make it less embarrassing.”
“You embarrass way too easy,” he countered. “And have a habit of running away from it.”
Obviously, he was referring to that night in the club, which was the most embarrassing thing. I didn’t want to think about it when I was alone, so I had no desire to recount it in front of him.
“Does anybody like staying embedded in situations that make them feel bad?”
His teasing expression melted into concern. “I made you feel bad?”
“No,” I shot back, immediately. He’d made me feel the exact opposite of bad. As far from bad as you could get. The aftermath though… “It wasn’t you, it was… I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You ran off like I scared you.”
“You do scare me. I’ve never met anybody like you.”
“The feeling is mutual. But you got pissy when I said I thought you were interesting.”
“Because I’m not.”
“And I disagree with that. So tell me, where do we go from here?”
I shrugged. This time, he didn’t catch me when I disengaged. “You came to check on me and bring Nadiah the charger. You’ve done that.”
“Are you kicking me out?”
“I don’t know what reason you’d have to stay.”
“We talked about this already, I thought.” He pushed his hands into his pockets. “I want to know more. What is your boss tripping about? What did Ruby want? Is there anything you can do for your grandmother? What scholarship is Nadiah up for?”
“Let’s say I tell you all these things. Then what? I’ve spilled my guts and then you leave, and I never see you again?”
“It doesn’t have to be that.”
“Doesn’t it though?” I asked. “You don’t live here – you only came for business.”
“I never said I only came for business,” he corrected me. “And either way – I’m here now. I could be here again, another time.”
“Why?”
“Damn – what is with you and that question?” he asked, laughing, as he leaned into the counter with his hip.
I frowned. “What’s with me? No, what’s with you?” I threw my hands up. “You’re… handsome, you’re smart, you’re strong, you’re dangerous. The tattoos, and the motorcycles, and the take-no-shit persona. You’re sexy. You’re cool. You probably have the women of the Burrows all over you. Why are you here?”
It wasn’t about self-esteem – I was confused. The twins made sense for him. Hell, I didn’t know the details of their relationships, but even Ruby or Ches would make more sense, even with the age differences. I was the polar opposite of those strong, sexy, confident women.
What the hell did he want with me?
“So you think you’re not cool? That’s our disc
onnect here?” he asked, eyes narrowed, waiting for me to respond. Or maybe not, because he kept talking. “You are beautiful. Smart. Strong. Dangerous. We had this conversation already, but I’ll say this again since you forgot, but you left the Mids in the middle of the night, in the dark, to come for your sister. Attacked motherfuckers twice your size, with nothing but an improvised weapon and heart. I’ve watched you not let fear make you shrink and give up. You work hard to take care of your family, and I haven’t heard you complain about it. All this shit I’ve mentioned? That’s sexy. That’s cool. Why the fuck wouldn’t I be here?”
I dropped my gaze.
I didn’t know how the hell to respond to that without embarrassing myself, so I didn’t. I walked off with my face hot and ears ringing and heart galloping so fast it was a wonder it was still in my chest.
I went to my room, thinking a chance to breathe a little air that wasn’t filled with his energy, his scent, would help me think more clearly.
It didn’t.
Probably because when I looked up, Maddox had followed, and was standing in the open doorway of my bedroom.
“So no answer, huh?”
Ugh.
I rushed toward him, pulling him inside and closing the door before the deep tenor of his voice pulled Nadiah into our conversation. She was probably asleep again anyway, with those damn earbuds, but still.
“Take your shoes off on the carpet. I’m trying to keep it nice.”
He responded immediately to that request, removing those heavy boots and placing them beside the door.
“This is your space, huh?” he asked, flipping the light on without asking. The room was fine – I liked this room, had done a good job of making it my own instead of feeling like I was sleeping in my parents’ room. But no one had really been in here before.
“Yes,” I answered, holding my breath as he approached the desk. There were at least 200 ink pens there, sorted into various cups and tins and mugs. I treasured every one. As the Mids became more and more digital, like the Apex, pens had become obsolete. Checks weren’t accepted anymore, and I suspected cash would disappear soon.
In the meantime, I was holding on to this one relic – handwriting and paper sketching were both useless skills my father had taught me. Two things I held close, but rarely showed anyone. If Maddox had taken notice of the pens, there was no doubt in my mind that the sketchbook would be next, and if he picked that up I might die.
That thought was still lingering when he turned with a smirk. “I’m not going to open your sketchbook, Aly. You can relax.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding. “How did you…?”
“Well, you about sucked all the air out of the room,” he chuckled, as my face heated yet again. “But even if you hadn’t reacted, shit like that is personal. You can show me if you want to, another day.”
“You sound sure we’ll see each other again.”
“Just a gut feeling,” he countered, with another grin. He sat down at the edge of the desk. “But you seem sure we won’t. Which, if that’s what you want, I’ll respect that. I told Mos you might not be that happy to see me.”
I’ve thought about you every single day though.
“What makes you say that?”
His eyebrows pulled together. “That you literally ran from me in the club. Well, a lil bit ago you said it wasn’t me. So are you freaked out by orgasms or something?”
He wasn’t being a creep. There was no innuendo. It was just a question. An honest question, a casual one, though it was anything but casual to me.
“No.”
It must not have been convincing, because his eyes narrowed more. “That wasn’t your first one, was it?”
“Of course not!”
The skepticism playing across his face didn’t let up. “Your first because of someone else though?”
“I told you I wasn’t a virgin.”
“That doesn’t have shit to do with the question I asked,” he countered. “And if you say you’re not, then okay.”
“I’m not.”
I wasn’t.
I’d had a boyfriend, in high school. His family was moving away – transferred, to another division. Before that, we’d been content with our clumsy teenaged kissing and groping, but had never gone further than that.
Until he was leaving.
Then, we went all the way.
And then he was gone.
“It’s not something that matters,” Maddox tried to assure me, shaking his head. “We can talk about something else.”
He said it didn’t matter now, but I still remembered his teasing that first night we met.
“Typical good girl from the Mids, probably never even had your cherry popped.”
I’d denied it then too, because technically I had.
Eight or nine years ago.
It wasn’t something I thought about often – at least not with someone else. I was familiar with my body – knew how to make an orgasm happen for myself, if I was too stressed or anxious to get to sleep. But when Maddox touched me, that was something else.
Something better.
“You wanna talk about your job? Didn’t you say your boss was giving you drama?”
“No,” I responded, stepping up to him. “I mean yes, she is, but I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Fine. What do you want to talk about?”
Nothing.
Definitely not any of the shit that was stressing me out. I had no reason to expect he’d be around later, but he was here now. The perfect temporary distraction from everything that ailed me.
This time, I kissed him.
Nervously.
Clumsily.
But he accepted me with open arms and minimal teasing, and hands at my waist to pull me closer, and soft nibbles and slow licks. Like he was savoring me.
That made it feel so easy.
Easy for me to get lost in that kiss, easy to get intoxicated off mutual desire, easy to be a little bold.
I pushed his jacket off his shoulders.
No, it wasn’t a big move, but it was something – enough that I felt gratified when he shrugged it all the way off, tossing it behind him before he pulled me in closer. Kissed me deeper, harder. Stoked the fire he’d started in me that night at the club, that never had burned out.
Before I could second think it – over think it – I let my hands fall to the waistband of his jeans. I had the button undone, and was going for the zipper when he pulled back, his hands covering mine.
“Aly, what are you doing?”
I met his gaze. I was nervous as hell, but backing down wasn’t an option, not from here. Not for me. “You know what I’m doing.”
“Yeah, but do you?”
“If we do this, you won’t have to ask that question anymore, will you?” I countered. “No choice but to believe I’m not a virgin, if you’ve been inside me.”
He dropped his gaze for a second, shaking his head before he brought his eyes back to mine. “Aly, I will not have sex with you so you can prove you’re not a virgin.”
“That’s not why.”
“Okay I’m listening. Why then?”
I pushed out a sigh as I drew my hands away from his. “Because, I need this. And I need you to not make me explain that, I need you to… wait…” I stepped back, as it dawned on me. “Unless you don’t want to this.”
Shit.
How had that not occurred to me?
Sure, he thought I was cute, and thought I was sweet. So he’d kissed me, okay. That was a far cry from wanting me in this way.
Not compared to who I knew he’d been with.
“Aly, don’t,” he insisted, catching me as I turned my back to him, not wanting him to see the humiliation playing across my face. “It’s not like that.”
I pulled away, avoiding his touch as I moved across the room, wishing I’d stayed in the kitchen the first time. I could use an escape route now.
“Hey.” His voice was firm now, and so
was his touch as he forced me to turn and face him. “What the hell is happening right now?”
“Well, I am about to go to bed, and you are going back to the Burrows, or something. I don’t know.”
“So you’re kicking me out?!”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Maddox, but I don’t feel like talking anymore, and I’m not about to beg you to fuck me!”
“Nobody is asking you to beg for shit, Aly! Damn, I’m trying not to end up being something you look back on and regret.”
“It’s too late for that.”
Did he think I would look back on being rejected after I threw myself at him with a smile? Did he think there was happiness, instead of mortification, behind the gloss in my eyes?
“Just go,” I insisted, pulling away from him. “Or, if you need to lie low for a few hours or something, you can crash on the couch. Thank you, for coming to check on me, and for bringing Nadiah the charger, and for letting me cry. Thank you.”
“Aly…”
“It’s fine. It’s fine, Maddox, I promise.”
That was a lie, but I’d say anything to get him to just leave, please. Before I embarrassed myself any further. I grabbed his jacket from the desk, putting it in his hands before I turned back, intending to climb in my bed and bury myself under the covers. I’d only made it a few steps before Maddox hooked an arm around my waist, turning me back in his direction to crash his mouth down over mine.
Yet again, this was different.
Not the sweet and comforting, or the slow and savory, this was urgent.
Whether I could breathe seemed of secondary importance to him, and I quickly realized it didn’t matter much to me either. I wanted to kiss and be kissed exactly like this, clumsy and hot, tangled tongues and bruised lips, with his hands gripping my ass so hard I was up on my toes.
But…
“I don’t want this, if it’s out of pity,” I said, half-breathless, as I pulled back. “I want this – need this – but not if you’re only doing it because you feel bad for me.”
Maddox smirked, shaking his head as he grabbed the hem of the tee shirt I’d thrown on with a little pair of shorts, after my shower earlier. I was suddenly very conscious of my lack of underwear. He pulled it over my head, tossing it away, then went for the hem of the shorts, bending to tug them down my legs.
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