by Jen Davis
The longer Robby spoke, the deader his voice sounded. It made Matt’s chest tighten. He had so many questions. Why would Robby choose a man like John? What had happened in his early months in Atlanta? The look on Robby’s face stopped him from asking.
Obviously, the answers were nothing good. Still, this was Robby. “You don’t act like—I mean, you’re you. You’re sweet, and maybe you’re not innocent, but you definitely don’t seem jaded.”
“I don’t? Good.” Robby huffed out a breath through his nose. “I’ve been through some stuff. I’ve done whatever I had to do to get by. Some of it I haven’t thought about since. You want to know how I stay me? That’s how. I dig a hole and I bury things there when I can’t bear to face them. They’re not entirely gone, but they’re far enough away I can focus on having a different kind of life. I can believe I deserve friends and family, someone to love me.”
Could Robby not face his past—or was he just not ready to share it?
“I was the person I needed to be back then.” Robby gestured to himself. “This is the person I need to be now. Both of them are real. They just live in different places. I adapt. It’s survival.”
Something about those words made Matt uneasy, but if he were being honest with himself, the last half hour had pushed him entirely outside of his comfort zone. “Well, whoever you are, I’m here for you. I might not be able to get rid of a body, but I’m great at providing a distraction, and I’m an even better listener.”
“Thanks. It means a lot to have people who can accept me for who I am. Whoever that is.” He gripped the railing and pulled himself to his feet. “You deserve the same thing.”
Matt turned over those words as Robby returned to the trailer. He appreciated the sentiment. The only problem? Maybe like Robby, he wasn’t sure who he was.
And there was no one he could talk about it with. Not Patty, for obvious reasons. Not his mom. Gross.
So how did he figure it out? If he knew who he was for sure, maybe he could safely explore whatever he felt toward Robby.
There was a definite attraction there. Patty was so sure he was gay, but it felt more complicated. Why did he only feel this way about one man? He’d never really spent enough time around any other gay guys to see if there could be a spark there. Maybe the first step was in changing what he was exposed to.
He looked over his shoulder, then pulled out his phone. A quick Google search provided the names of about two dozen places listed as gay bars. And one was right down the street from Closing Time.
Briefly, he wondered if the club was where Robby had been drinking before he asked for a ride home Saturday night. He brushed it off. Even if it was, it seemed unlikely Robby would be going out again tonight.
Resolved, he stuck his phone into his shirt pocket. He’d keep his PlayStation plans with Robby, but afterward, he’d try the bar. No one would have to know. And maybe it would give him the answers he’d asked about himself for as long as he could remember.
Chapter FOURTEEN
Matt
Matt glanced uneasily at the sea of men packed tightly into the bar. He couldn’t really get a good look at any one of them, with the lights dim and pulsing.
Running a hand over his khakis, a painful awareness reared its head, reminding him he had no idea what he was supposed to be wearing to a place like this. Though from what he could see, the attire ran the gamut from dressy to casual to shorts so short they should be illegal to wear in public.
Ignoring his nerves, he stepped up to the bar and motioned for the bartender’s attention. The bearded man didn’t even ask for his order; he just pushed two shots in his direction and walked away.
Jell-O shots. How bad could they be?
He squeezed the contents of one paper wrapper into his mouth and followed with the other.
Pretty good, actually. He could barely taste the alcohol at all. Just cherry flavoring. He raised his hand and ordered more, this time placing a twenty-dollar bill on the bar.
After he swallowed two more, a handsome blond man sidled up next to him. “Willing to share one of those with a new friend?”
“Help yourself.” He handed one over, hoping his bravado didn’t come off as forced as it was.
The blond took his time, sweeping his tongue over the shot and curling the Jell-O into his mouth. “First time here, darlin’?”
He nodded, watching with fascination as the man’s tongue slid another shot into his mouth.
The guy chuckled. “Take the last one and come dance.” He slid his hand over Matt’s arm. “Don’t look so scared. I won’t bite. Not on the first date.”
He came for this, right?
He downed the last shot and followed his new friend to the dance floor. It only took a few seconds to remember he didn’t know how to dance.
But, it seemed, he didn’t have to.
The blond took hold of him by the hip and the opposite shoulder and moved his body to the pulsing beat of the music. Soon, Matt could pick up the rhythm on his own, and his partner moved even closer.
Having a stranger’s body crushed against him was awkward, but it got a little easier when he closed his eyes. He tried to parcel out the sensations and couldn’t deny the physical pleasure of moving with the music and the closeness of another person.
He let himself imagine for a moment he was dancing with Robby, which worked almost too well. Because when he opened his eyes and saw a stranger, it was worse than feeling nothing. It was kind of gross.
No more pretending. From that moment on, he concentrated wholly on his partner, who, by the way, looked a bit like an actor on one of his mom’s soap operas. The fit man filled out his skinny jeans in all the right places. He had high and well-defined cheekbones. The man probably could have done a little modeling.
So, when the guy leaned toward him, seeking a kiss, he let it happen.
And it left him positively cold.
The stranger’s lips mashed all against him, his tongue making an insistent play to get inside Matt’s mouth. It was awful. Nothing like what he’d shared with Robby.
He stepped back and shook his head in an unspoken apology, but he couldn’t think of any explanation where he wouldn’t insult the guy.
“It’s okay.” The man blew a kiss into the air. “Plenty of fish in the sea.”
Grateful for an easy exit, he scurried back to the bar. More Jell-O shots followed. And more men approached. Tall men. Short men. Black. White. Asian. Skinny. Muscular. Fat.
He danced once or twice more, but he couldn’t bring himself to try anything else.
His experiment ended as an abysmal failure.
At least he learned he liked Jell-O shots.
It was almost midnight when his Lyft driver dropped him back home. He fell into bed and dreamed of being back on the dance floor. Only this time, Robby snuggled in his arms, and the kiss was one that rocked his world.
***
Robby
Robby had just settled in for his standard frozen dinner in front of the TV Tuesday night when a knock on the door forced his attention away from an old rerun of Big Bang Theory. He scowled as he set the plastic tray on the coffee table. Probably someone trying to sell him something. As it was, he already had more Girl Scout cookies than he’d ever know what to do with.
Still, he couldn’t ignore whoever it was, no matter how gross his pot pie would be when it got cold. Maybe he could politely send the kid packing by pretending to be sick.
He coughed as he swung open the door. “I’m sorry. I—Parker?”
His old friend shot him a Cheshire grin and breezed past him into the apartment as if he’d been invited. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you left the club. I just had to track you down and see your amazing new life for myself.”
Closing the door, Robby felt acutely aware of the small, spartan space where he lived. Compared to the apartment he’d shared with John, it looked more like a hovel than something his old friend would consider amazing. “How did you find me?�
�
Parker wrinkled his nose for a split second before settling in on the sofa. With his perfectly styled hair and designer royal blue silky shirt, he would have been far better suited someplace higher end. He waved off the question. “A friend of a friend has a LexisNexis account and helped me track you down. We made a drinking game out of it.”
Robby perched on the edge of the sofa cushion beside him. He couldn’t think of a thing to say.
Parker didn’t suffer from the same problem. “Hanging out together again felt a little like old times.”
“It wasn’t.”
“You mean because you’re not with John anymore? The two of you always seemed meant for each other. The way he always fawned over you and bought you things. Like your PlayStation and all those nice clothes.” Parker leaned forward like he was sharing some juicy gossip. “I saw you smiling with him the other night. And I saw the two of you slip off to a dark corner.”
Robby gritted his teeth. “Are you kidding me? When have you ever not seen me smiling? It’s what I do. It’s what we all do.”
Parker’s salacious grin dissolved.
“It was one of the first lessons I learned. Well, the first lesson was to look for a guy in a button-down shirt and slacks, right?”
“And a blazer,” Parker murmured.
“Yeah. It took me one night on the streets and three in the shelter before the guy on the bunk next to me clued me in on the way things work.”
Smile. No matter what happens. No matter what they ask you to do. Do it and smile.
The advice had served him well.
“He told me, ‘Just flash those puppy dog eyes and roll over when they tell you to.’ He was right.” Going home that night with the guy who called himself Tex may have meant a few unpleasant minutes in the bedroom, but it had given Robby a safe place to sleep for the first time since his dad had thrown him out.
“Of course he was right.” Parker settled back in his seat. “Mother Nature made babies look so innocent and cute for a reason.”
Robby nodded. “People want to take care of them. It’s a biological imperative. Even ugly animals are cute when they’re babies.”
“Yeah, well, your buddy should’ve warned you to watch out for the predators.” Parker smirked. “In the wild, they eat the babies first.”
Robby rubbed at the tension building in his neck. The lesson had come a little too late. “Why are you really here, Parker? Did John tell you he tracked me down at work?”
“He did?” Parker’s eyes narrowed. “What happened?”
“I told him to get lost.” Which part of him wanted to do with Parker now. “Now I’ll ask you again. Why are you here?”
His old friend shrugged. “Guess I wanted to see how the other half lives. What my life might’ve been like if I’d left the way you did.” Parker looked around, barely trying to hide his disdain. “I’ve got to be honest. I don’t see the appeal.”
No. He wouldn’t. But Parker didn’t know the small part of Robby’s soul he’d sacrificed to get here. Holding the dark memories at bay, Robby stood and walked back to the front door. “It was nice of you to drop by.”
He smiled and they both knew the familiar expression for the lie it was. “Maybe we’ll catch up some more later.”
Parker swept a kiss over his cheek on the way out.
Robby spent the next hour trying to shove old memories back into the box where he kept them locked tight, but for some reason, they wouldn’t fit. John had found him at work. Parker had come to his apartment. The old life he’d worked so hard to escape was too close for comfort.
He paced the floor. Twice, he almost poured himself a drink.
Then he picked up the phone. Stared at it. And made the call.
Matt answered on the first ring.
Robby gathered his courage. “Can you come over?” He hated how small his voice sounded.
“I just got out of class. I’m on my way.” No questions. No delays.
He was there in ten minutes. “Tell me what you need.”
Robby growled. His own weakness made him want to put a fist through the wall. Instead, he sank into the sofa and dropped his head into his hands. “I need to be someone else. Anyone else.”
The cushion beside him sagged under Matt’s weight. “No. No way. I like who you are.”
It was only true because Matt didn’t really know who he was. Robby looked up. “My own family didn’t like who I was.”
At least not once they learned the truth about him.
“I grew up in a very religious household. Small town. Almost a relic from the past. It was all I knew, though. My parents, my brothers and sister. We were all close, you know? But they didn’t know I was gay.”
Matt scratched the back of his head. “They never suspected?”
Robby hugged a pillow to his chest. “Who knows? My dad sure seemed shocked enough to find me kissing Luke Potter in the barn when I was sixteen. He threw me out on the spot. I had nothing but the clothes on my back and twenty-three dollars in my wallet.”
“Which is how you ended up alone in Atlanta.” Matt nodded like something had clicked in his head.
He didn’t even know the worst of it. None of his friends did.
They only saw the Robby he wanted them to see.
The sweet people pleaser was second nature. Seven years ago, in fact, it was the only way he knew to be. Loving, innocent, and earnest. That kid was the best version of himself. But unlike his sixteen-year-old self, the adult version had experienced every emotion on the flip side of the coin. He knew what hate felt like. Desolation. He’d been jaded before he turned eighteen.
The things he’d done—just to survive—would shock and horrify the people who knew him now, the people who loved him.
Those sides of Robby: the whore, the thief, the chameleon, the addict…and worse…those facets of him still lingered beneath the surface. But if he shoved them down hard enough, he could pretend like they weren’t there. Like they’d never had been.
Like he’d never committed the ultimate sin.
His father would have never been right about him.
“Things were hard. I don’t want to go into it all, but in the end, drugs helped me get through the worst of it.” Looking back, he hated himself for it. For the drugs and for so much more.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“No. I want to forget it all. I would, but all of a sudden, my past is right here, and it’s like it wants me back. I don’t want to go.” He wanted to grab onto Matt with both hands and hold on until everything else went away.
“Your ex seems like a bastard.”
Yeah, well, Robby’s threshold for bastards was pretty high. “I’ve known worse. I don’t want to talk about John. I don’t want to think about John or the person I was when we were together. I want to be better and stronger and to be able to deal with stress without wanting to drown in oblivion.”
Matt grabbed his hand. “You are better and stronger, because whether you wanted to or not, you didn’t choose oblivion. You chose me.”
If you were mine, I’d always choose you.
Robby looked down at their linked hands, squeezed, and pulled away. Matt wasn’t his, at least not in the way he wanted. He was here, though, which counted for a lot. “You want to check out those new map downloads?”
Matt swiped the controller from the coffee table. “Your account or mine?”
Chapter FIFTEEN
Robby
Shuffling from one foot to the other, Robby stood outside Brick’s door waiting for someone to answer his knock. Liv had texted him to come by after work, but she didn’t say why. If he was lucky, a plate of pasta waited for him in the kitchen.
Liv opened the door, grabbed him by the wrist, and pulled him inside.
He caught a whiff of a light, floral perfume.
“We,” she declared, “are all going out tonight.”
“We are?” On a random Wednesday?
She pursed he
r lips, drawing his attention to the shiny pink gloss there. Liv wasn’t usually one to wear makeup. She also had on a cute dress with a flared skirt and strappy shoes. Not her normal teacher attire.
“What’s the occasion?” And why was he here?
“Jonathan came home in a terrible mood Monday night and hasn’t come out of his funk since. He wouldn’t talk about it.” She smoothed her hair. “When I was talking to Amanda this afternoon, she told me the same thing was going on with Kane. I don’t suppose you know any reason why the two of them were set off?”
He stared at his shoes. Brick and Kane had seemed okay at work, but if he was being honest, they had kind of been walking on eggshells yesterday. He didn’t want to lie about what happened with John, but he had no intention of reliving the experience.
She hummed. “Well, whatever happened, I figured it would be nice for us all to go out and have a good time. Jonathan said you were working at another site today, so you didn’t see him, but he’s still wound up a little tight.” She ruffled his hair. “He loves you. If anyone can help me get him out of this funk, it’s you.”
How could he say no?
“Kane and Amanda are at the restaurant. Matt is meeting us there too.”
He perked up at the mention of Matt’s name. “Yeah?”
Brick scowled as he emerged from the bedroom. He tugged at the collar of the polo shirt straining across his broad chest. “You have anything to do with this, Robby?”
“Oh, hush,” Liv tutted. “Just get in the car. We haven’t been to Moe’s in ages.”
Moe’s was a small bar and grill just a few blocks away. He had only been there once before, when Brick and Liv first met. They had pool tables in the back. Unfortunately, pool was not his forte.
Still, if Liv thought it would make Brick happy, he considered it no hardship to go back. Especially if they still had cheese sticks on the menu.
Kane and Amanda were already seated at a table when they arrived.