by Eve R. Hart
I let out a little laugh despite the fact that I was still stuck in my head.
“Thanks for the walk,” he told me as he sent me one last look before turning around and leaving me there alone.
It wasn’t hard to tell that he didn’t want me to go. I imagined that if he had more courage, he would have asked me up. I should have made it easy on him and just invited myself to tag along, but now my mood was dark and I was done with being out in the world for the day.
Then he was gone and I hadn’t even said goodbye.
He must have thought I was a huge dick. What kind of asshole returns someone’s wallet and walks him home to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself again, only to leave him feeling like none of it mattered?
But did it matter?
I could have told myself this was all for Reed but I knew better. Theon mattered more than just being my best friend’s little half-brother. There was something about him that I couldn’t let go of.
Or rather, there was a part of him that wouldn’t let me go.
Whatever it was, I had to give it up. I wasn’t good for anyone. Hell, I wasn’t even good for myself right now. So I sure as hell wasn’t any good for Reed’s little brother. And I could tell you that it didn’t matter that they’d only found each other a little over a year ago, it was clear as day in Reed’s voice how important the kid was to him.
Fuck… he wasn’t a kid.
Or at least I didn’t see him as one, not really.
All I had to do was make sure Theon was fine, report back to Reed, stay long enough to make it worth it, and then get the fuck out of here.
My feet stayed rooted in place as the rest of my body sent mixed signals to them. My head screamed at me to turn around and go, while something else willed me to move forward. To walk up those stairs and seek out the apartment that I already knew from the outside.
In the end, I did the appropriate thing.
I left.
I went back to my motel room on the outskirts of town and tried not to let the lonely feeling gnaw at me. I had a few beers in hopes of forgetting the cute little smiles he sent me during our walk together. Or how he’d made me laugh with a few rambling sentences.
I did my damnedest to forget that Theon Graham, in all his awkward adorableness, was not something I could ever have.
8
Theon
Oh, how I wanted to ask him up.
It was on the tip of my tongue to. My heart had been racing and my palms sweaty. I might have done it too, if it wasn’t for the harsh reminder that my apartment had nothing in it. And I certainly didn’t think it was wise to ask him to come in and sit on my bed.
Okay, I still had the table and chairs, but the bed was the first thing that popped up in my mind.
You know why.
Stupid head voice.
“Of course I know why!” I called out to the bare walls and cringed when it echoed back at me.
I might have pictured him in my bed once or twice on the short walk back to my place. As much as I wanted him there, hovering over top of me and giving me everything I would be begging for, there was no way I could let it happen. I couldn’t bring him into my mountain of crap.
You don’t even know him.
I knew that. I mean, I’d really only heard his voice for the first time today.
And what a voice.
Deep. Sexy. Rough, like he didn’t talk very often.
It did all kinds of things to my insides.
Yeah, he was silent and a little broody.
Which was hot!
The man oozed deadly and closed off. Two things I needed to stay far away from. But there was something in the back of my head that told me he’d never hurt me.
Not that my instincts were all that great.
All I had to do was remind myself of what Perry had done to me and it was like I’d been doused with ice water.
Cade was attractive and I was drawn to that. I had to convince myself that was the only reason I’d spent most of the walk to my place trying my hardest not to pop a full-on boner.
He’s probably not even into guys.
Yes, okay, fine. Another valid point, brain.
I didn’t get a vibe that he was checking me out. And while I’d caught him a few times glancing my way, I suspected it was more of an uncomfortable thing because he could feel my sexually examining gaze. And I knew I hadn’t been sly about it at all. I was sure he noticed. But what could I do, it was like my eyes were just drawn to him no matter how hard I tried not to take a peek. Not to mention that there had been no extra or lingering touches. Everything pointed to him being friendly and not interested.
Well, friendly wasn’t exactly the right word.
He didn’t seem friendly. Or nice.
Even in his politeness, there was this jaggedness in his tone.
However, I couldn’t get that laugh out of my head.
The pain of falling had been worth it just to hear that.
Which reminded me that I needed some ice.
I hadn’t said anything, but on the walk home my whole body felt stiff and sore. My elbow was the worst and I hoped that if I iced it for a bit, it wouldn’t swell too badly.
After stripping off my ruined shirt and pulling on a new one, I dug my laptop out of my bag.
I hadn’t thought about it until now, but I was praying I hadn’t damaged it during the fall. That would be the last freaking thing I needed right now.
Flipping it over and over in my hands, it seemed to be okay. Then I opened it up to inspect the screen.
I breathed out a breath thinking, so far, so good.
But I knew my luck and I wasn’t done wishing, praying, and hoping yet.
And of course, I wouldn’t be that lucky. As I powered it on, I noticed the picture was all kinds of wonky. With each key I hit, it only got worse.
The tears filled my eyes and the dam broke before I could stop it.
I didn’t want to be a downer, but my life was starting to really suck. Like really, really. It wasn’t all that great before but now it only seemed to be a ball of snow rolling down a hill, getting bigger and faster. Growing to the point that it was leaving a trail of wreckage in its wake.
What I wouldn’t give to go back in time thirty minutes to where I temporarily forgot about everything around me and my biggest worry was not getting a noticeable chubby in front of the hot guy.
I sighed, tears still streaming down my face as I flopped back onto my bed. I reached for the ice pack I’d brought in here with me and held it against my elbow. At least I’d remembered to do one thing right.
“Life has no place for little pussy bitches.”
My father’s words played over and over in my head.
Step-father.
I was still getting used to the whole fact that I didn’t share blood with that man, though it should have been the first wave of relief I felt every time I thought about it. He was all I’d ever known as a father figure and since my mom started dating him not long after I was born, I hadn’t known any different.
Not until she told me the truth right before she left me.
Yeah, I was still a little sad and angry over the whole thing.
I felt the phantom burn of his belt hitting my back over and over again, and as I closed my eyes, I was back in that house with him standing over me.
“Real men don’t cry. You’re not a fag, are you, Theon? There’s no place for little pansy ass bitches in my house.”
Reliving it only made the tears fall harder.
Carl was all I’d ever known as a father figure. I thought that he was right and I had always been in the wrong. I tried to be the man he wanted me to be, but I failed at every turn. I was never good enough. Never manly enough. Never smart enough. Any way you could imagine, I’d failed all of them in his eyes.
Then my life got shattered. Not only had I lost my mom, but I found out my entire life had been a lie. A lie that couldn’t be undone. It had gone on for my entire life and by
the time the truth was set free, I’d lost the chance to meet the real man that shared my blood. I’d never know if he accepted me as I was. Or if I could make him proud by being the best me that I could be.
Then again, I still didn’t know what that was.
I was kind of… floating along in life. I stumbled through on shaky legs, trying to figure out what the hell I wanted my future to be. I wasn’t ever great at one thing, just okay at most. There wasn’t a way that I could say I stood out.
So maybe it was better that I hadn’t met the man who was my real father before he passed. One less person to disappoint and all.
I still had Reed.
I still had Silvie.
Sure, I was failing both of them pretty badly right now, but I was doing my best not to. They were the only family I had left, I would hold on to them as tightly as I could. And yeah, they were pretty much the best things in my life. Well, there was no pretty much about it, they were the only good things I’d ever had.
Silvie with her smile and curly hair that reminded me of little springs. Thinking about her now, running around the house in her pajamas and her hair bouncing in every direction brought a huge smile to my face. I missed my little sister so much and I hated leaving her behind. I hated leaving her with him. But I had to. This was an opportunity to better myself. To get a degree and hopefully a good paying job so that I could take care of her. Because I knew he wouldn’t. She may have been his actual blood but he clearly wasn’t a kid kind of person. At least he’d never lashed out at her like he did to me. That was the one saving grace right now and I hoped that wouldn’t change with me gone. I talked to her often enough that I would have noticed a change in her. So far, she was still the bright, bouncing, happy kid I knew.
She was why I was here.
Why when Reed pushed me a little harder, I caved and took him up on his offer.
And it was that thought that had me rolling off the bed to find a new outfit. I might have missed my first class, but I could make the other two.
Fake it until you feel it.
Not exactly the cliché saying everyone was familiar with, but it made sense to me.
Sadly, I was still waiting for that one thing that just clicked and made me feel alive.
I glanced at the laptop one more time and sighed. I needed to get it fixed but it would have to wait until later.
Closing it up, I dragged it out to the main area with me. I set it on the counter as a visual reminder to call around and find someone that could help me out.
Then, very slowly, I made my way back to campus.
I might have been looking around for my sexy mystery man.
Cade.
His name caused a smile to creep up on my face.
This time, I wanted to see him. I hoped that he would just pop up from the shadows and walk with me.
Then my fantasies got away from me.
Because I wouldn’t be headed to class.
No, if I had Cade with me, I’d throw caution to the wind and suggest we grab lunch. Maybe even get it to go and sit in the park to eat. Then after, we could get ice cream and I could torture myself by watching him lick the cold, sweet cream from the top of the cone.
I could just see how sexy he would look doing it, those intense eyes pinning me in place with desire and a hint of mischief. The unspoken things of what he could— no, would— do right there for me to read.
What is wrong with you?!
I snapped out of my daydream and I could feel the blush tinting my cheeks. It looked like I’d we walking into Economics with a hard-on. Just great. I only had myself to blame.
This thing with Cade… I had to forget it.
He wasn’t interested and there was no sense in lusting after a straight man. I mean, even if he wasn’t, which I felt like would be a big if, he wasn’t thinking of me in that way.
“No more,” I muttered to myself as I pulled the door open and entered the building.
No more remembering about how his shirt seemed to mold to every ripple and bulge of his muscles. No more thinking about how soft his lips looked. No more wondering how strong he would feel as he hovered over me while he…
Yep.
Nope.
No more of those kinds of thoughts.
Sexy Mysterious Man Cade was not for me.
Time to move on and focus on what was important.
9
Cade
“Yeah?” I barked into the phone.
I knew who was on the other end.
I knew why he was calling, too.
I might have been avoiding Reed. Which was shitty knowing that he was probably going out of his mind wanting to know that everything was okay.
But what could I tell him?
No, it wasn’t okay.
The first time I actually laid eyes on the kid he had the fading marks of a big bruise on his face.
He wasn’t what I thought and I might have been wrong about him.
I think your kid brother is hot.
I couldn’t say most of those things so I hadn’t called.
At first, I hadn’t reached out with an update simply because I hadn’t really seen Theon. When I did, I wanted to find a reason for the bruising that marred his pale, beautiful skin. And then I got too close and just kept on wanting to get closer and closer.
So see, things had spiraled out of control and the last thing I wanted to do was tell Reed I was on a slippery slope.
Another slippery slope.
Because it was clear that part of the reason he’d asked me to come here was because I was headed in a direction he didn’t think I could claw my way out of. I would admit I was drowning, but I also didn’t care that I was. I wanted to. I wanted to live that tortured life, my head never leaving the memories that haunted me. Never letting them go. It was what I deserved, after all.
I was still there, only now I had a distraction.
Theon.
Well, this job. And I had to face it, this was pretty much a job. I wasn’t getting paid but I still felt a sense of fear about fucking up. I couldn’t. I had to give it my best because letting Reed down was not an option.
“Cade? You there?” Reed’s voice called out, sounding half irritated and half concerned.
Had he been talking?
I couldn’t replay his words in my head so I wondered how deep I’d gone into my head after I answered the call. Maybe I’d passed back out.
I lifted my head as I told him I was still there. The time on the cheap alarm clock next to the bed read ten. By the light streaming in through the windows, I knew it was in the morning.
Then my eyes caught on the beer bottle on the night table. And another one… and a few more on the small table across the room.
Fuck. How much did I drink last night?
I sat up too quickly and my free hand went to the side of my head. It felt like the little drummer boy was hanging out up there.
“Are you drunk?” Reed snapped.
“Quite possibly, yes. I might still be a little drunk,” I told him honestly. “But I stopped a while ago.”
Well, passed out, really, but that was irrelevant right now.
By the huffy breath that crackled through the speaker, I knew he figured that part out without me having to voice it.
“Look, I know. I just had a bad night, okay,” I told him before he had a chance to give me a speech and make me feel even more like shit than I already did.
I didn’t tell him that my bad night had actually started during the day or that his brother was part of what was wrong.
“Well, can you tell me what’s going on?” he asked and I could hear all the unsaid things in his tone. He wanted to talk about it but he wouldn’t push me. So he was letting it slide. Again. It was only a matter of time before he really stepped in and tried to fix me.
Except there was nothing left to fix.
I hated that he couldn’t see it.
I hated it even more how it would shatter him when he realized it.
“You didn’t tell me the kid was scared of his own shadow,” I said trying to find humor in all of this.
It was my fault because I hadn’t asked anything about Theon after Reed had told me about him. Well, not anything like that. I’d questioned Reed about what Theon’s intentions were. I’d even voiced my very unhappy feeling and warned him to watch his back. Not once since he’d found out about Theon had I actually stopped and listened to what he was like.
Then I realized my very big mistake. I’d given a hint that there had been more. Maybe Reed wouldn’t notice.
“Yeah, he’s pretty shy and unsure. But once you get to know him, he’s funny and sweet. I don’t think he’s had the best life.”
“Why do you say that? Did he say something?” I was only digging my hole deeper but I had to know.
“No,” Reed breathed out sounding sad. “It’s just the feeling I get from him.”
Reed was right, there was this heaviness that he seemed to carry around. Not to mention how jumpy he was, that came from somewhere.
I sobered suddenly. I had to find out what was up with Theon. I had to hear about all the demons that haunted him.
And I had to fight them for him.
“Uh, what?!” I blurted out, but I had been talking to myself.
“I said, he doesn’t talk about his home life. But he does go on about his little sister a lot. He really loves her.”
I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t meant that for him but was also relieved that he repeated himself because I’d missed everything he’d said.
“Little sister?”
“Yeah, I think she’s seven, maybe? She lives with her father now, which Theon thought was his dad up until right before his mom died. I guess she told him the truth because she knew she wouldn’t be around much longer or something. That’s another thing he doesn’t really talk about.”
“His mom?” I asked just to be clear.
“Her and her dying,” he responded. “I’m not even sure what happened, but I get the feeling like she knew it was coming.”