by Eve R. Hart
He looked down at the table sheepishly.
I was a little irritated that Cade had said something to Reed. I’d told him that before I found out who he was. In all honesty, I probably would have kept my mouth shut if I knew his connection to Reed.
Then again, maybe it was better to get it out in the open. The last thing I wanted was to disappoint Reed but if anything, he looked like the one that was carrying that burden.
“I don’t know…” Yes, I did. Only it was hard to say to him after he’d spent all this money and time trying to get me to give into going to college. “Either I’m not good at learning this way or I haven't found a class that holds my interest. Whatever it is, I feel a little lost and frustrated most of the time. I’m not saying I want to give up though. You’ve already paid for all this stuff and I want to try.”
“Okay,” he told me. “But if you are miserable and want to leave, please come to me. I won’t be mad or let down. Besides, you do know I’m rich, right? All this was nothing.”
I could tell he meant that last part as a joke and so I gave him a huge, dramatic roll of my eyes.
“Be honest with me, I can take it,” he said, turning serious again.
“Fine, but only if you are honest with me and let me know the next time you send someone to stalk me.”
He laughed and I joined in.
“Deal.”
I felt lighter. Reed and I had hit another level of trust and that meant a lot to me.
I didn’t even mind so much that it cut into my sexy, naked time with Cade.
27
Cade
“You have a good time?” I asked the moment Theon opened the door and walked into the motel room.
He came over to the chair I was seated at by the table and kissed me. Then he set down a cup of coffee and a small paper bag on the table before taking the other seat.
“I did. We got some things cleared up.” He shot me a look that said I was possibly in trouble. What had I done? What the fuck had they talked about? I had been completely blindsided by Reed’s visit but I could tell he was here on a mission. “I brought you back breakfast.”
His face lost that look, he was smiling again. Whatever it had been, it must have not been that bad.
“Reed mentioned that you told him about how I don’t like it here.”
Oh, that was why I was in trouble.
I was only looking out for Theon. He had to know that right?
“Relax, Cade. I’m not mad. But I wished I would have known it was coming. I felt like I was put on the spot and I’m not good in those type of situations. I really hate it.”
“I’m sorry, baby,” I said to him with honestly in my tone. “I told him, but it was so he would talk to you. I only meant it for the best.”
“I know. It was good. We agreed to be more open and honest.”
“What did you tell him?” I asked as a way of dragging his plan out of him. Was he leaving? Where was he going to go? How did I fit into everything?
“I told him that I’m not ready to give up. My thought right now is that I could at least make it through this semester since it’s paid for. Then if I’m still not feeling it, um, well, I’ll figure that out when I get there.”
He laughed nervously.
“You could always come to—” I started trying to sound casual though the sudden idea sent a shot of warmth through me.
He stopped me with a hand in the air and a shake of his head.
“Don’t.” His tone was firm but not sharp. “Let’s not throw things out like that yet.”
I just stared at him. Why? I didn’t understand. Yeah, sure, it was a little soon to be talking about a step that big, but I couldn’t ignore this thing between us any longer. I thought we’d gotten on the same page with that, but it seemed that I was wrong.
What could I do to make him see it?
There had to be something and as soon as I thought of it, you bet your ass I’d be showing him.
“Besides, I’m not moving that far away from my sister. I can’t.” He turned sad and I hated it. I didn’t want him to feel torn and that was the feeling I was getting right now.
“You’re right,” I said softly. I wasn’t happy about it but I understood. “I’m sorry. I know how much she means to you.”
He gave me a wobbly smile.
“I may not have all the answers,” I said and then blew out a long breath as I leaned back in the chair. “But I want this to work out. I’ll do whatever I have to do for that to happen. I know you’re insecure and unsure of what the future holds, but I’m pretty damn convinced you are meant to be in my life. I’m not such a dumb fuck to pass you by.”
“You just love my ass,” he said and I could tell by the look on his face that I’d shocked him with my words. He was on the verge of tears and it was obvious that he couldn’t handle anything emotional right now.
“Well, yeah, I do. Have you been inside of it? Heaven,” I joked back, but I was also being serious.
“No, I can’t say that I have. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for me to be inside my own ass.”
“You’re missing out,” I shot back with a playful shake of my head.
I lifted my coffee to my lips and let the moment fade. He wasn’t ready to really talk about us and that was okay. I’d wait.
There was something that had been in the back of my mind for a few days now. The more that Theon opened up to me about his life, the more it came forth. It would have been stupid to ignore it at this point. Yeah, I wasn’t one hundred percent certain that whoever was behind Perry’s death was connected to Theon, but something in my gut told me this shit wasn’t over for him. No way it could have been that simple. And until I knew for sure, I wouldn’t let it go.
He might hate me after this, but I had to.
I was sure the abrupt change in subject would have his head spinning.
“Do you think your stepdad knew Perry?” I asked and tried to keep my tone calm.
Theon’s eyes went wide as he looked at me. Yeah, he hadn’t seen it coming, and maybe I should have eased him into this conversation. But for once, we were dressed and sex wasn’t on the table. At least I didn’t think it was. Reed taking him out to breakfast and then bringing him back alone had kind of created the perfect situation that I’d been waiting for all week.
I suppose I couldn’t really hate Reed now.
Or even be irritated at his untimely visit.
“I don’t see how,” he responded after a minute. “Why would you think something like that?”
“It’s just this feeling I have. I can’t understand how Perry came into your life. Why did it blow up so quickly?”
Theon jumped up and by the way he started pacing, I knew I’d fucked up somehow. His hand raked through his hair angrily.
“So what you’re saying is that you don’t understand how anyone could be into me? That… that he didn’t just see an opportunity and take advantage of it because he wanted to get to know me? There was no way he could have liked me? Right? Because, you know, I’m so pathetic that someone must have some kind of motive to want to sleep with me, let alone date me?”
“Baby,” I said calmly in hopes of stopping his rant.
The Theon I’d first seen— the one in the picture Reed sent me— was back and I was kicking myself for doing this to him. I hadn’t realized how much he’d changed since coming into my life— since letting me into his. He’d grown, found some kind of strength and confidence within himself. It wasn’t something I saw until this moment because I hadn’t really known him before. But it was all crashing down on me now.
“No, Cade,” he barked. “You’re right. I’m unloveable. I mean, come on, look at you. The only reason you’re here is because Reed asked you to be.”
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath. “That’s not—”
“But isn’t it?”
“I fucking love you, Theon,” I roared as I shot up out of the chair and stared him down. I hadn’t meant
for it to come out like that, but there it was. “I love you. Every single thing about you. The moment you ran into me was the moment my life changed. I didn’t want to admit it, but one fucking look in your eyes and my world was flipped.”
He sucked in a harsh breath and blinked up at me.
“That’s not a lie,” I went on. “I wasn’t supposed to get close to you, but something called me to you. And the moment I had you, I didn’t want to let you go. I didn’t want anyone else to have you. I didn’t want…”
“Didn’t want what, Cade?” He urged me on with a small glimmer of hope in his tone.
“I didn’t want to know what life was like without you in it,” I said and my voice echoed off of the walls. “I don’t want to know what life is like without you in it.”
I swallowed hard, surprised that I hadn’t choked on the words. They were true, but so hard to say. My soul was naked to him right now and he had the power to crush the life out of it.
“You are not unloveable. You are beauty and life and hope. You are everything.” By the time I was finished, my chest was heaving. I hoped he’d heard my words. I hoped he really listened.
Tears streamed down his face and his breathing matched mine. But that was the only movement I saw from him. He hadn’t even closed his gaping mouth, not even as several long moments had passed. I was pretty sure he hadn’t even blinked.
“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” he asked, his face still looking shocked and blown away.
“All of it?” I asked with a raised brow. I kind of didn’t remember everything I’d said. It had all been raw and true, and very much in the moment.
“The first part,” he told me.
It took me a moment to remember what I’d said first, but once it hit me, I stepped up to him so I could take him into my arms.
“I love you, Theon. I do. It’s soon and I wanted to tell you, but I’m so scared that it will make you run. After everything you’ve been through…”
“I believe you. I love you too,” he rushed to tell me and I sent him a tiny smile. “Oh, God. Did I really just admit that? I was scared too.”
My heart felt like it was about to explode in my chest.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered as I pulled him tightly into my body. “I’m sorry I upset you, but I need you to think, Theon. We need to sort this out so we can just be us.”
He nodded against my chest.
“I don’t know,” he said sounding sad. “I don’t think Carl is smart enough to come up with a plan like that. He’s pretty useless. And it’s not like he knows my connection to Reed. I only told Silvie and, well, she doesn’t tell him anything.”
Then he opened up to me.
I didn’t know what to do to make this easier for him, so I held him as he told me more about his stepdad. It wasn’t good and I wanted to agree with Theon that the man wasn’t smart enough to come up with such an elaborate plan. But I still wouldn’t have put it past him.
“I never understood why my mom was with him,” he said after a while. I continued to hold him in my arms. “It wasn’t like he was nice to her or helped around the house. And the man can’t hold a job to save his life.”
I guided him to the bed. I sat against the headboard and pulled him into my lap.
“Okay, so my mom wasn’t very smart. I know that’s not the nicest thing to say about your own mother, but it’s true. She worked at a strip club all my life. She had, um, lost that charm that made her money, so she had been managing this one place for the last like eight years. Around the time she got pregnant with Silvie.”
Sadness gripped my heart. I suspected he hadn’t had it great growing up, but this picture he was painting me and the tone he spoke with, made it so much worse than I imagined. He had a mom that had no aspirations to go anywhere with her life. I wasn’t saying that managing a strip club was shit. I simply meant that it sounded as if she’d taken the job because she felt like she couldn’t do anything else. She didn’t kick that asshole husband of hers to the curb when she should have. He didn’t sound like he was much help. And I knew for a fact he made Theon’s life a living hell.
So, yeah, my heart was hurting for him right now and I wished more than anything that I could make his life better.
“He would start a job,” Theon went on seeming oblivious to the thoughts going through my head. “Then he would either get fired or quit. Most of the time he just stopped going because he’d get wrapped up in some get-rich scheme that he was sure would pan out. By the way, they never did.”
He tried to laugh but it came out dry and sad.
“Did you ever have any trouble from him doing these things?” I asked, trying to tread as lightly as I could.
“No, not that I remember,” he replied. “It was just really stressful on my mom because he would steal money from her to get things started or whatever.”
He shrugged and then let his head fall back until it rested on my shoulder. His neck turned and then his nose was brushing against my skin. I tightened my hold around him and waited.
“I think that’s why she did it,” he whispered. I could hear the tears in his voice. “She was so tired and didn’t know how else to get out of it.”
“Did what, Theon?” I asked. Deep in my heart, I knew the answer. And even though it sucked, I needed to hear him say the words.
“She took a bunch of pills. Silvie and I were there in the house when she did it. I knew something was wrong, but I was making dinner for Silvie. If I didn’t do it, there wouldn’t have been anything good for her to eat, you know?”
“Theon.” His name spilled from my lips but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. There wasn’t a damn thing I could say to make it better, even if that was the only thing I wanted to do. So I stayed silent and let him get it all out.
“I figured she was tired. I left her alone because I didn’t want to get yelled at.” He paused, his hand coming up to my neck. It wasn’t a second later that he was drawing out the chain that held my dog tags. Once they were free, he wrapped his hand around them and held on tightly. I wasn’t even sure he was aware of what he’d done. There was something about it though. Something that told me he felt safe here with me. “She wasn’t exactly mean to me, but I always knew that she didn’t really want me. It was more like she’d gotten stuck with me and just done the best she thought she could do.”
“My mom wasn’t particularly great either,” I admitted. I knew this wasn’t about me but I wanted to let him know he wasn’t alone.
“Sucks, doesn’t it?” He huffed out a sarcastic laugh.
“Yeah, baby, it does.”
What more could I say? I was lucky to find Reed and his family. It didn’t matter that I’d been in high school when they came into my life, I had them. And they became the family I always wished for. It didn’t sound like Theon had that. And even now, he had Reed, but he wasn’t here to go through the everyday stuff with Theon. He wasn’t here to hang out when Theon needed some love and comfort. It wasn’t Reed’s fault, and I knew that he’d fix it if he could. It was simply the way things worked out right now.
“I found her in the morning,” he said so low that I almost didn’t hear him. “She was cold. Her body didn’t move. I stood there for a long time waiting to see her chest rise and fall, praying that it was some kind of joke.”
He jerked away from me, his body twisting until I was looking into his glassy eyes.
“I should have seen it, Cade. The night before she…” He shook his head and I lost his gaze as he looked down between us. “The night before she gave up, she sat me down and told me the truth about who my real dad was. She didn’t even tell me how it happened or why he wasn’t in my life. She basically told me his name and where he was from. I felt so betrayed and couldn’t understand why she lied to me why whole life. I was kind of still mad at her that night she… she killed herself.”
He choked out a sob and I pulled him into my chest.
“It’s not your fault, baby.
If she really wanted a way out, she would have found one, even if you had saved her that night.”
I had wanted to know. I had wanted this part of him. But now that I had it, I didn’t feel better. I might have felt closer to him but it still didn’t feel right. I couldn’t save him from this— from anything that had happened to him— and it killed a part of me.
All I could do was whisper how much I loved him as I wrapped him up in my arms.
Emotionally wrung out and thoroughly spent, he eventually drifted off in my embrace. I didn’t let him go, hoping that I could ease his pain somehow.
There was nothing I could do to fix this. Knowing that was so damn hard to swallow. But I could give him a life of happiness and love, and suddenly, that became my mission. Not out of pity or obligation, but because Theon’s life mattered more than my own.
Because that was what happened when you loved someone deeply.
28
Theon
It had been hard to open up to Cade. Not because I felt like he’d judge me, but because I hadn’t ever told anyone about my mom’s death. I’d never admitted how I felt responsible for it before. I’d kept everything inside all this time and maybe I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
That’s not it, my head whispered to me.
And, well, it was true.
It was all Cade. I felt safe with him.
Because you love him, you idiot. And he loves you too.
I got it! I screamed back in my head.
Sometimes I really, really hated my head-voice.
I wasn’t dumb, just in denial a lot of the time. If I kept myself in the dark then I couldn’t get hurt. If I didn’t hope, then I’d never be let down.
Cade had become the exception to that rule and I was okay with it. He’d proved that he wouldn’t run. He held me and gave me just enough words to show he was there for me. On some level, I believed he understood what I’d been through. I wondered how much we had in common. I was guessing more than I’d thought before.