by Lauren Wood
I told her that it wasn’t a big deal. I knew that I was just going to throw the shirt away when I got home, but I liked how she wanted to take care of me. I wanted to take care of her.
“It is just a little ice cream. And Blue Moon. It's good, but it has so much food coloring in it, I don't think you would be able to get it out. I'll just get another one, no big deal.”
She smiled in response, but there was something now missing in her eyes. Some suspicion was back, and I didn't know how or where it came from. Maybe I was just seeing it wrong. Maybe I was just feeling guilty and I was projecting it out to her. That's what it was…
Amber stood up and let the sheet fall to the ground. I was stuck staring at her, almost biting my tongue, and she just smiled my way. What could I say to that? She was trying to tease me, and she was certainly doing a good job of it. I thought that I might bit my tongue off.
“Are you sure you have to go? If you stayed, I am sure that we would be able to work something out. If you just give it a chance.”
“Yeah, sure. If I could stay, trust me, I would. As fine as you're looking tonight, I definitely don’t want to leave you.”
“Then don't.”
She said it so simply and it certainly did sound like the easiest way to fix the situation.
“I'm sorry, Amber, but I have to go. Trust me, if I didn’t have to, I would slide right back in bed with you and right back inside of you.”
I gave her a kiss and it felt like she was holding on to me just a little bit stronger. I was never going to see her again. I don't know why that thought ran through my head, but it's all I could think about.
When I was leaving, there was another moment that I told myself I should turn back around and tell her about Caroline. Just tell her the truth. I was going home because I had a child there, and I needed to be there when she woke up. How hard would it be? All I had to do was just say it, just say the words.
For all the bluster, though, it was a lot harder to do than it sounded. I stood there with my hand on the door, ready to leave and out of sight already. All I had to do was go over there and tell her. Just tell her the truth and then see what happened. It's not like I could change anything, anyway. What was already going to be, would be.
I couldn't get myself to do it, though. As much as I told myself how easy it would be and how I just needed to do it, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
There was still just this huge part of me that was so afraid she was going to walk away. I had spent a week with her, which felt like a lifetime, and now I never wanted it to end. I was already messing it up because I wasn't telling the truth, but maybe it was better than nothing at all. Really, what were my choices?
On the way home I tried to play the scenario out in my head, me telling her about Caroline and why I had a daughter that I didn't tell her about. Every time I played out the scenario, though, it ended with her never talking to me again. Maybe I was just overreacting and she would be completely fine with it, but what if I was wrong?
By the end of the mental experiment, my answer was quite clear. Keep my mouth shut as long as possible.
14
Amber
It was one thing to see the smudge of blue on his shirt cuff. I probably wouldn't have even thought twice about it. It was just a mark, possibly pen, but Frank had made it a point to tell me that it was more than that. It was actually Blue Moon ice cream and that information was what sent my mind spiraling. That’s when I knew what was going on.
Naturally, my mind went to the little girl and the woman at the ice cream shop. While I knew that Blue Moon was popular, could it really just be a coincidence? I didn't feel like it was, and I was starting to think that I had the answer to the questions I had about where he took off to. What if he was going off to be with his other family? It felt like proof to me. What more did I need, to see this all for what it was?
To me, that wasn't even the worst part. It was bad enough that I had been lied to, and all of the hopes and dreams that I had for the two of us being together and moving forward was now all up in smoke. How could I be with a man who already had a family? Why would he tell the truth? I could see what the truth was now, but I wish I had known before. I wouldn’t have fallen for him all over again.
I didn't know if I was supposed to be mad or upset. I was probably a little of both. I was mad that he hadn’t told me the truth, and maybe I was mad that all of the hopes that I had for us, was now a thing of the past. Taking that away was probably the most brutal part of it all.
I went to the shower and washed him off of me. It wasn't enough to make me forget the way his hands felt on my body or the way that I still felt like I needed him. I didn’t think anything was going to help that.
I almost called him several times after I got out of the shower. I even thought about going back to his house but could never get up the courage to do it. It was easier just to stay up and think about it all night. It was hard on my mind, but I could see no other alternative.
Instead, I tried to go to sleep and when that didn't work, I went to work. Work was always a place for me to hide my head, especially when I was so confused about what to do. There didn't seem to be a good answer. I was going to have to confront Frank and it wasn't the actual confrontation that worried me. It wasn't that at all. It was him agreeing to what I already knew to be true. How would I be able to stomach such information?
I woke up and tried to push everything out of my mind. I had a meeting that I needed to go back to the city for, and it seemed like the perfect time to do so. A quick flight would get me there and on time for the meeting Gemma had scheduled.
I didn't have anything taken care of with my grandfather’s house, because all of that was up in the air. As much as I knew what I saw and heard and had to do, there was still that small part of me that hoped I was wrong. How badly I wanted to be wrong about all of it.
Gemma had someone pick me up at the airport, and I was immediately struck with how different the city was to my hometown. It probably would have felt normal if I hadn’t slowed down and gone back home. Now, it was the hustle and bustle that I found strange.
By the time I got to work, I already had a headache from all of the chaos going on around me. How had I ever been invigorated by such things?
Gemma was first to notice something because she asked me if something was wrong. I, of course, refused to admit that there was anything going on. What was on my mind was nothing that I wanted to share with anyone. How could I admit that I was a woman that was with a married man? I felt incredibly guilty about it and certainly didn't want anybody to know. It was something that I would want to take to my grave, if it was an option.
“So, what time is the meeting?”
“They're going to be here in a few minutes. Are you ready?”
I told her that I was, even though it was obviously not the case. I couldn't even focus, so how could I be ready for one of the biggest meetings of my career so far?
I showed her some other new designs and she said that they were good. Even though Gemma worked as my assistant, she had an eye for fashion, which was why she worked with me to begin with. It made me feel better that she liked the new work I was doing. I was in a weird place, and even though I was feeling creative, sometimes what was going on around me would negatively affect the final product. I was glad to see that it wasn't the case. I was really proud of the work I was doing.
By the time it was time for the meeting, I was feeling better about everything, and I had even shaken the strange feeling I got from all the people around me.
Part of me liked to believe that I was made for the city. I didn’t get tired as fast as the rest of them, and I was still interested in all of the wheeling and dealing that took place in the big city.
Hampton was more for people that wanted a slower life. While I was there, I wanted to believe that that's what I wanted, but now that I was back in the city, it was hard to think that way. I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunities that were in
the city that I could not have in a smaller town. I wanted to make my own fashion house, and even though grandfather’s house would have been the perfect place, the location of the house made it untenable. I really didn't know what I was thinking. I guess that's where a little bit of good sex would get me. I was ready to change and give up everything for a man that I'd only been around for one summer a decade ago and one week in the present. It all seemed so silly, now, when I thought about it.
The question that kept coming to my mind was, what had I been thinking?
The meeting went well, and the client made a large purchase from me. It wasn't just for one or two of their stores, either, but for all of their stores, almost one hundred of them. It was the big order that I had been looking for, the one that was going to bring me into the mainstream, and put my name and product out into the world where more people could find them. It should have been one of the happiest days of my life.
It was something that I had been working toward for as long as I could remember. It had never been enough for me to make clothes that everyone wore. I wanted to make things that would be admired. There had always been a part of me that wanted the recognition that came with a well-known brand. I was convinced that it was the only way I would be able to fulfill myself.
There was a part of me that didn't want to go back to Hampton. I could just leave grandfather’s house the way it was and go back when all of this had blown over and I wasn't so raw feeling. How could anything good come from this?
Even as I told myself that, though, I knew that I had to go back. I wanted answers, and I didn't want it to be up in the air and something that was on the back of my mind for the rest of my life. I spent ten years wondering what happened to him. I wasn't going to spend another ten wondering what happened this time around.
After I got back to the office and I gave Gemma the good news, I set up a few things, made a couple of phone calls, and then had her get me a flight back that night, so that I could be there the next morning.
“You’re already going back? So soon?”
“Yeah, but it won't be for long this time.”
“Are you going to tell me why you were there so long to begin with?”
“Let's just say that I ran into an old friend.”
“That sounds promising if it was a guy.”
“Yeah, actually, I thought it was promising, too, but I learned my lesson. It was just a waste of time.”
She frowned and told me that she was sorry. I believed that Gemma actually meant it, too. She was one of the nicest people that I had ever met, and she was a great assistant. I was lucky to have her, and I was lucky to have my life. I didn't know why I thought that everything would be changed in the blink of an eye. For that week that I was with Frank, it really had felt like anything was possible. Now that I was back down on earth, though, I knew that it wasn't true. Even more than that, why would I want to change it? My life was finally going exactly how I wanted it to. I would be crazy to want to change it.
As I made my way to my house, everything looked so strange. It had only been a couple of weeks that I was gone, but even my own neighborhood looked like somebody else’s. I was still torn on everything. I could tell myself that the right thing to do was to walk away from it all and to walk away from the guy I had thought about for so long, but then again, if I was going to do that then, I at least wanted some answers before I left. How else was I going to be able to think straight?
The flight wasn't so bad. I slept most of it, and I think that the fact that I hadn't slept in the last few days ever since Frank had told me that he was going back to work, helped. Of course, I wanted to believe him when he said that it was all just because of work that he couldn’t see me, but it was hard to believe it. What I wanted to believe, and the reality of it, were two different things.
I had ignored a couple of phone calls from him and when I got back to Hampton and back to my grandfather’s house, I gave him a call. He picked up almost immediately and asked me if everything was okay.
“Yeah, why wouldn't it be?”
“Well, because you weren't at your grandfather’s house. I tried to call and then I tried to stop over last night, and you weren't there. I was afraid that you had gone back to the city.”
“I was just there yesterday. I'm going to have to go back, eventually. I guess you should get used to that idea.”
“You sound strange. What's going on?”
I told him that there was nothing going on. I was just tired because of all of the traveling. I might have even blamed it on jetlag. He didn’t buy it by his tone, but he didn’t call me on it, either.
“Why don't you let me come see you?”
My first reaction was to tell him yes. I wanted to see him, and I was already thinking about what would happen when he got his hands on me again. That was like heaven, and it was hard to pass up on such a thing. I definitely didn’t want to. Frank made my body feel amazing every time he touched me.
I couldn't do it, though. If I let him get his hands on me, again, then how was I going to be able to confront him about what I thought to be true? I could have just done it right then. I could have asked him on the phone and not even had to meet with him face to face. It would have been so much easier.
Once again, though, nothing was said. There were a lot of thoughts in my head about what could be done to make it easier and better, but it never happened. Instead, I was worried about the truth coming out and me not being able to handle it.
“I want to see you, Amber. We spent so long apart, that I don't want to spend any more time without you.”
“If that was the case, then you would have stayed over a couple of times. I don't really know what's going on with you, but I know that there's something you're not telling me.”
He assured me that it wasn't true, but I asked him to prove it, and he didn't have anything to say. I didn’t even know how he would have proved it, but I doubt he would ever realize how badly I wanted him to. I didn’t want to believe that he had a family and kids that I didn’t know about.
“I'm going to be honest with you, even though this is really hard for me to say. I don't think you quite know how much I thought about you all of these years, Frank. Or how much I wanted this to work between us, because of our history. But, obviously, whatever was going on between us isn't working. I think it would be better if we just accept that and try not to make it any more complicated than it already is.”
“You're not going to break up with me. We're not even going out yet, Amber.”
I told him that was even easier than whatever it was we were doing, breaking up or what have you. The truth was that we were never going out. It was true, but if it was, then why did I feel so bad about it?
“Even easier. It was nice seeing you again and maybe we will run into each other in another decade, but I think that's been enough visiting for a while, don't you?”
I hung up the phone and I seriously thought that it would be the end of the conversation. I didn't expect him to knock on the door a little while later. I should have. Even when we were kids, Frank never was good at hearing the word no. I just didn’t know how to deal with him, and I worried about being there with him in front of me. Courage was sapping out of me quickly.
A part of me wanted to rush to the door and find out why he was here. Maybe it was good news. The other part of me didn't want to answer. I was afraid that he was going to talk me into believing him, and then I would be stuck again. Lost really.
“Amber, open up! I know that you're in there.”
I scoffed to myself. I wasn't going to be able to run away like I wanted to. Like I needed to. Frank was the source of my issues, and he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere until I opened up and heard him out.
15
Frank
I was standing outside the door, trying to figure out what the hell happened. One minute everything was going great with Amber. We had a week that was probably the most perfect I'd ever experienced
in my life. I thought everything was perfect. Really perfect. I kept going back to the word perfect because there was nothing else that compared to it.
Then Caroline came back, and I had to spend some of my time away from Amber. It wasn't like I wanted that to be the case, but that's just how it was. I also had to get back to work, and now Amber was making it really hard to remember why it felt so great between us. It's not like I was completely dense and did not understand why she was upset, but it did not change the fact that there was nothing I could do about it.
So, when she hung up on me, I knew that it wouldn't be long until she was gone. Then how would I find her again? And even if I did, would she even talk to me? The only thing I could come up with to do was to go over to her house and try to explain it to her. How I was going to, what I was going to say, was all still a mystery to even me. The mystery wasn't going to matter if she wasn’t even going to answer the door for me. How had we gotten here so quickly? It usually took me longer in a relationship to really botch it up this bad.
When she didn't answer, I knocked a little harder and finally tried the doorknob. It was actually unlocked, and she wasn't too far from it when I opened it. I couldn't guarantee that she didn't realize that it was unlocked, either.
“You really shouldn't walk into people’s houses. I'm pretty sure there's laws about that.”
I didn't know if she was being serious or not. Her face held no emotions and it was not an expression that I cared for. I liked it better when she was looking at me with long-lost love. This, this was something altogether different. It was quite clear that she thought I was a liar. How did she know, though? How did Amber know so much without me even telling her?
“We really need to talk.”
She was just kind of standing there, and I finally told her that I could see her. It wasn't like she was camouflaged or something.