by Marian Snowe
“So Meg...never cheated on me,” Tia said. It was a statement and not a question. Her body felt dragged down, like gravity was suddenly ten times stronger, and she really did wish she could burrow into the earth and hide there for the next few centuries.
“I was jealous of you,” Faith told her. Her voice sounded thick now, and Tia wanted to shout at her that she better not start crying. “My boyfriend at the time was such a dick. He tried to control everything I did and I realize now how petty and mean and manipulative he was. But you and Meg were so happy and it seemed so easy for you to be in love. I didn’t think it was fair.”
“So, you just...?” Tia waved her hand weakly.
“I was working so hard to make my asshole boyfriend happy, and you two didn’t have to work at it at all. You just were happy. I was miserable...and I wanted someone to commiserate with.”
“You mean Meg,” Tia said. Her insides clenched tighter with anger. “You broke us up because you wanted Meg to feel shitty like you did, and then you’d have someone to cry with?”
“Yeah,” Faith replied pathetically. “Around that time I stopped hanging around with Meg much because I didn’t want her to suspect. Then I told you she was cheating on you with her TA.”
“At the dorm Christmas party,” Tia said in a dull voice. Reasons for her to hate Christmas just piled up in her life one after another, but in spite of how much she disliked her name, that year’s party was the biggest one.
“I was confused when she didn’t deny it,” Faith went on. “But I did what I thought I had to do. After that, there was an investigation into the TA because of the rumor. She was going to get into serious trouble, maybe lose a scholarship, so I had to come forward.”
“I never heard about that,” Tia said, frowning.
“No... I was too ashamed to tell you.” Faith was sniffling now, and even though Tia tried to keep in mind that confessing must be really hard, she still wanted to slap her.
“And I bet you did get what you wanted, after all,” Tia said resentfully. “You got Meg to commiserate with.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t like I thought it would be. She knew. And I felt too guilty to enjoy it.”
Tia clapped her hand to her forehead. “Enjoy?!” she shot back, finally snapping. “You seriously thought you’d enjoy the suffering you put your best friend through?”
“I did think that, and I was wrong.” Faith was silent for a moment. “I’ve been in therapy for years about the way I used to lie. The program is helping me acknowledge what I’ve done.
Tia took a few calming breaths. Once she got off the phone with Faith, she could scream all she wanted.
“Well, okay. That’s what I wanted to know, then,” Tia sighed. Then she waited. What she really wanted—other than for this to have never happened—was an apology.
After a moment or two, Faith seemed to catch on. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I really am. I was wrong.”
“Yes, you were,” Tia growled. She exhaled slowly. “And I reacted totally wrong, too. Anyway, I think I need to talk to Meg.”
“You should,” Faith urged. “Tell her I’m sorry too, okay?”
“Sure,” Tia replied without enthusiasm. She ought to urge Faith to do it her own damn self, but she had more to worry about than Faith’s conscience. “Thanks for being willing to talk to me, anyway.”
“Thanks for letting me.”
They said a stilted goodbye and Tia ended the call. “Jesus,” she croaked, slouching down on the couch. She missed yesterday morning, when the worst thing that happened was almost getting killed by a Christmas tree.
Chapter Six
Meg
Meg’s parents’ house was devoid of anything cheerful—besides, newly, a kitten—and Meg resented it. They were off on a cruise so obviously they hadn’t gone all-out to decorate for Christmas. There was a wreath on the front door and some candles in the windows, which Meg plugged in the moment she got there.
That didn’t do much to dispel the gloom inside, though.
Meg gathered an armful of blankets and brought them into her old bedroom to make a nest for Spruce. He’d proven himself capable of using a litter box (thank God) but he still needed to be bottle-fed until Meg could coax him into eating his own food.
It felt weird to sleep in here, but where else was she supposed to sleep? Her parents’ room? No way. It would have been nice to at least stay somewhere where other people were.
Other people like Tia.
Meg wanted to throw something across the room. For about five minutes, seeing Tia again had been nice. Sitting all cozy in front of the fire, taking care of a little lost kitten, bantering a bit about the old days... But then the inevitable happened, and Tia went off on her. Again.
Meg sat beside Spruce’s blankets and watched him crawl around, wobbling on his paws. Tia refused to listen to her, to give her even ten seconds of time to speak. It was just like before. That had been the worst day of Meg’s life, and for once she wasn’t exaggerating. All in one moment, she lost her girlfriend, her best friend, and her picture-perfect imagined future. Tia didn’t love her enough to let her defend herself, and Faith made the whole hateful lie up in the first place.
Meg had been too stunned in that terrible moment to say anything at all in her own defense. The air in her lungs disappeared and her voice shriveled up, and she couldn’t form a single word in her head. When your girlfriend accused you out of the blue and your best friend stood by with almost a smile on her face, how could you do anything but stand there, reeling?
This was going to be a shitty, boring, lonely Christmas. Even with a kitten.
While Spruce was sleeping and safely closed in the bathroom where he couldn’t get into anything dangerous, Meg went out to the grocery store and got some frozen dinners and food for breakfast and lunch. She called to arrange a replacement window, but of course nobody would be able to install it until after Christmas. She spent the rest of the day watching Netflix with Spruce in between bottle feedings. That evening, he lapped up a little bit of wet food, but she continued to give him the bottle too.
The next morning she was getting ready to search through the attic to find some decorations and make the house feel a little less bleak when she heard a strange tapping sound coming from overhead. She listened for a few moments; it wasn’t regular like the noises the hot water pipes made, just a little click or plink every so often. Was it coming from upstairs or outside?
She walked over to look out the window, and her eyes widened. Then she went over to the door and swung it open.
Tia was standing on the snow-covered lawn, throwing pebbles up at one of the windows: Meg’s old bedroom.
“Tia?” Meg called in disbelief. Tia jumped when she heard her voice and they locked eyes. Even after all this time, looking into Tia’s eyes felt as familiar as seeing her own reflection. How could so many years be swept away by nothing more than a glance?
“Oh,” Tia said, looking as if she had forgotten anything she planned to say. “I should’ve knocked. Of course you’d be downstairs. Why’d I think you’d be in your bedroom at this time of day?” Her words came quick with nervousness.
“Maybe I was crying in bed with my kitten,” Meg replied pointedly, and Tia turned red. Meg sighed. “What are you doing here?”
“I... How’s Spruce?” Tia dropped her handful of pebbles and laced her fingers together, shifting from foot to foot in obvious discomfort.
“He’s doing pretty well.” Meg narrowed her eyes. Would Tia really come all this way to ask about the kitten? Well, she didn’t have Meg’s phone number, after all, but Meg couldn’t imagine Tia cared enough to drive over here just to check up on them. There had to be some other reason.
Meg’s breath curled in the air and she knew she ought to invite Tia in, but she didn’t. The pain of their breakup had come crashing back into her life like an avalanche when she heard Tia accuse her again. Meg wasn’t willing to dodge any more boulders.
Tia bent do
wn and picked up two travel mugs by her feet that Meg hadn’t noticed. Tia held one out like you’d offer a treat to a cat who you didn’t want to scare by approaching.
“I have to tell you something,” Tia said. Her face was drawn and tired and she had the look of someone who was bravely facing the gallows. Meg couldn’t guess what was going on and she wasn’t sure she wanted to expend the emotional energy to unravel whatever Tia had wound herself up in.
“What?” she asked cautiously, and in spite of herself, she stepped outside and closed the door behind her. She rubbed her hands up and down her arms; she was wearing a thick sweater but it was still bitterly cold.
“I was thinking about what you said,” Tia told her, dropping her eyes. She took a step or two toward Meg and held out the cup again, and Meg warily came over and took it. The rich smell of hot chocolate wafted up to her nose.
Tia trailed off into silence and Meg lifted her eyebrows, waiting. “...And?” If Tia didn’t trust her enough to at least listen to her, why was Meg giving her the same respect? Maybe it was her eyes, the way they roved over Meg’s face in that same intense, knee-melting way they did years ago when the two of them shared everything, wrapped up in each other and talking about their most intimate hopes and dreams.
They used to talk about everything together. That was one reason Meg was so blindsided by Tia suspecting her of sleeping with someone else. They just didn’t keep secrets from each other; their lives became too entwined.
Until that connection was just...gone. It was incredible how the hole that was left just opened up again to fit Tia now that she was here, in spite of Meg’s better judgment.
“And...” Tia met Meg’s gaze, and Meg felt their eyes connect like the deep ringing of a bell. “I found Faith Hewitt on Facebook. And I asked her. She said she lied, about you and your TA.”
Meg stood there in the cold with her hands wrapped around the mug of hot chocolate and just barely managed to stop herself from flinging it at Tia.
“Really?!” Meg burst out. “No kidding?! I am shocked by this news.”
The color left Tia’s face and she stepped back again. “I—I know, I should’ve believed you. I was so, so stupid that I didn’t. I can’t forgive myself.”
“Good!” Meg shouted. “You shouldn’t! I shouldn’t! You never even gave me a chance to defend myself! You took the word of a person you barely knew over mine.” If Tia was finally willing to listen, Meg would make damn sure she had something to listen to.
“You can tell me I have no right to be angry now,” Tia said in a small voice.
Meg gave a yell of frustration. “So that’s why you came here? To tell me that you finally believe me? Because somebody else, somebody you only ever knew as your girlfriend’s friend and who you haven’t spoken to in twenty years, said it’s the truth?”
“I know,” Tia said miserably. “I’m a piece of shit.”
“Yeah, you kind of were,” Meg snapped. She stared Tia down in silence for a moment and then groaned. Her head was spinning. She couldn’t decide whether this was more of a shock than actually seeing Tia open the farmhouse’s door in the first place. At this rate, she was going to drop dead of a stroke if any more unpleasant surprises got sprung on her. “Look, help me out here. I don’t know what’s happening,” she said, at a loss. “You say you talked to Faith?”
Tia nodded. “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. I’d always been so blindly certain...” Her eyes unfocused and she looked like she might get dragged back into her thoughts, but she shook herself. “I knew the only person besides us who knew anything about what happened was Faith. I looked her up and she has all this stuff on her Facebook about honesty and reforming because she used to lie all the time and it ruined all her relationships. When I read that...” Tia looked away and bit her lip, and Meg’s heart twisted. She should be hardened against this, but Tia seemed honestly destroyed, like she might start to cry any minute.
“It’s nice to know she recognizes what she did.” Meg’s comment wasn’t spiteful, but it held barbs.
Tia winced. “I was such an idiot,” she said. “That doesn’t come close to describing it. I’m so, so sorry, Meg. I treated you terribly.”
“Yeah, you did.” Meg pulled in a deep breath and let it out again. “This is a lot to hear. Honestly, it’s kind of ‘too little too late,’ you know?”
Tia’s mouth crumpled but she looked away and quickly took a sip of her hot chocolate. “Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, I get it. You’re right. I guess it was just something I needed to say. I should go.”
Meg watched her. Even though twenty years had passed, she still recognized every expression and movement Tia made...and every one still set wings fluttering in her chest. She’d never felt like this with another person. It was only Tia, always Tia.
So many times, she’d wondered what might’ve been. What would their lives be like now if they’d stayed together?
And, to be completely honest, she’d played out this scene more than once in her head. Tia would show up and confess how wrong she’d been to leave. She would have flowers and be despondent, begging Meg to reconsider and take her back. Especially right after they broke up, Meg waited every day for that to happen. And it never did. Eventually she stopped hoping it would.
Sure, this wasn’t a big romantic gesture with a perfectly paired soundtrack just like in a movie. Was this the moment she’d always wished for, or was it just like she told Tia, too little too late? She looked down at the hot chocolate Tia had brought.
“What do you want me to say, Tia?” Meg asked. “That I forgive you?”
“No, you don’t owe me that,” Tia replied quickly. It sounded like she’d thought long about the right things to say and memorized them. “I was just thinking...” She trailed off and tentatively looked into Meg’s face again. With every glance, Meg felt like she fell closer and closer to her past self, like she was under a spell. “I know I can never make it up to you,” Tia said in a rush, “but you deserve something more than just an apology.” She rubbed her hands together nervously. “I thought we could maybe, like, do some Christmassy things together? I know you always loved to and I was such a killjoy about it. I’m not trying to make you forgive me. But you deserve to have somebody treat you right...even if it’s just me. And I know you’re alone this year.”
Both of Meg’s eyebrows went up and she blinked at Tia in surprised silence. She had no idea if Tia’s hatred of Christmas had mellowed over the years, but if it had stayed the same, this was a pretty big thing to offer.
Was it enough, though?
Tia looked afraid but hopeful; what exactly was she hopeful about? Did she think they could ever be close again?
If Tia wanted that...
Meg bit hard on her lip. Wasn’t that what she always wanted too?
Night after night, even after all this time, Meg still dreamed of Tia’s lips on hers, Tia’s hands moving over her body, her eyes caressing Meg like silk. If there was ever a good reason to hold a grudge, it was this, but...
Meg raised the travel mug to her lips and sipped some hot chocolate. It was creamy and rich and smelled slightly of cinnamon: clearly a gourmet kind.
Just that gesture made Tia stand up a little straighter with hope. Meg gave her the smallest of half-smiles.
“Want to come visit Spruce? I have to feed him. Then maybe you can take me shopping for some new decorations.”
Chapter Seven
Tia
“So, where to for decorations?” Tia asked after they fed Spruce (and she gave him liberal pets and scritches). She and Meg got into Tia’s car and Meg pulled her phone out.
“I wonder if that shop is still here...” She typed a name into her maps app. “Oh, it is! Christmas Wishes. Out on Route 106.”
“It’s a whole store dedicated to Christmas?” Tia’s knee-jerk reaction was that she never wanted to step foot in the place in her life.
“It’s only open from October to March,” Meg said. “And they
have lots of other wintery and holiday decorations. I’m going to drag my parents’ stuff out of the attic but I thought it would make me feel a little better to pick up a new ornament or two. They’ll have stuff at this store that’s a lot nicer than what we could pick up at a strip mall.”
“Okay,” Tia said. “Plug in the directions.”
The drive to Christmas Wishes was still a touch uncomfortable, but the atmosphere between them had eased. Tia spent yesterday hatching her plan to treat Meg the way she deserved, assuming Meg accepted her apology. That had been a big assumption, too, one she was prepared to be wrong about, but to her relief, Meg seemed willing to listen.
Unlike Tia had been when they broke up.
She tried to calm the beating of her heart, which was still hammering even half an hour after she made her apology. It had been a really long time since she was that vulnerable with anyone. It would figure that that person would be Meg once again.
Christmas Wishes was set back from the road, behind a large dirt parking lot. It was a big building that looked like a renovated barn. The shingled roof had an icing of snow and all of the windows were twinkling with lights. Pine bough garlands hung over the door and each window had a different wreath.
“This place really is cute,” Tia said as they got out of the car. A shed to the right of the barn was strung with lights of all varieties to show what each kind would look like when hung.
“I told you, they have everything imaginable here.” Meg went inside with Tia on her heels, and a set of jingle bells rang when they opened the door. “Have you finished all your decorating, this close to Christmas? I was kind of too stunned to notice when I was there.”
“Oh, I...” Tia shrugged sheepishly. “I haven’t put anything up, really. I don’t have anything except one of the wreaths I made to display it so people will buy one.”
Meg’s mouth dropped open, and Tia was distracted when her eyes were drawn to Meg’s soft pink lips. Even though it had been so long since they kissed, Tia remembered exactly what they felt like: yielding and silky at first, and then forceful with hunger as they both grew more passionate. Her cheeks warmed and she darted her eyes to the side.