And so he inquired how many fouaces had been taken and, on learning that it was four or five dozen, commanded that five cart-loads should be baked that very night, one load of which was to be made from the best butter, the best egg-yokes, the best saffron and the best spices and set apart for Marquet, to whom, for the hurt he had suffered, he would give seven hundred thousand [and three] Philippus-crowns to pay the barber-surgeons who had treated him; and, on top of that, he would further grant him the farm of La Pomardière, free for him and his heirs for ever.
To lead the convoy and see it all through, he despatched Gallet, who, on the way, near the Willow Grove, had a great many bunches of reeds and rushes cut and strung about the carts and each of the carters; he himself bore one in his hand to let it be understood that they were seeking nothing but peace and were coming to pay for it.
Once arrived before the gates, they requested to parley with Picrochole on behalf of Grandgousier.
Picrochole absolutely refused to let them in or to come out to parley with them, sending to state that he was otherwise engaged but that they should say what they had to say to Captain Braggart, who was up on the walls adjusting some cannon or other.
And so our good man said:
‘Sire: to cut from you any handle for a quarrel25 and to remove any excuse for not returning to our original alliance, we are making good to you now the fouaces over which this controversy arose.
‘Five dozen our people took; they were amply paid for, but we so love peace that we send you five cart-loads of them, of which this one is for Marquet, who is raising most complaints. In addition, so as to satisfy him entirely, here are seven hundred thousand [and three] Philippus-crowns which I deliver to him; and for any damages he might claim I cede him the farm at La Pomardière, for him and his heirs to hold in fee-simple for ever. Look. Here are the deeds of conveyance. And for God’s sake let us live in peace from now on, with you withdrawing happily to your own lands and giving up this fortress to which you have no right whatsoever as you yourself admit.
‘Then let us be friends as before.’
Braggart related it all to Picrochole and increasingly poisoned his mind, saying to him: ‘Those bumpkins are in a fine old fright. By God, Grandgousier is shitting himself, the poor old soak. His business is not going to war but emptying wine-pots! My opinion is that we keep both the fouaces and the money and hasten to dig ourselves in so as to pursue our good fortune. Did they really think they were dealing with a twit, feeding you with those fouaces! But there it is: the good treatment and great intimacy that you have maintained with them up till now have made you contemptible to them: Flatter villein, he will batter: Batter villein, he will flatter.’
‘Yeah!’ said Picrochole. ‘Yeah! Yeah! By Saint James, they’re in for it now. Do as you said.’
‘There is one thing I want to warn you of though,’ said Braggart. ‘We’re pretty short of victuals and most meagrely furnished with belly fodder. If Grandgousier were to lay siege to us, I would here and now have all my teeth pulled out save three, doing the same to your men as to me: with three we would have more than enough to eat up our supplies.’
‘We shall,’ said Picrochole, ‘have all too much to eat. Are we here to feed or to fight?’
‘To fight, certainly,’ said Braggart, ‘but, Food short: no sport; and, Where hunger reigneth, power draineth.’
‘All this yap!’ said Picrochole. ‘Seize what they’ve brought.’
Whereupon they did seize the money, fouaces, carts and oxen, and then sent the men back without a word, except that they had better not come so close again, and that they would teach ‘em why tomorrow!
And thus, having achieved nothing, the men returned to Grandgousier and told him all, adding that there was no hope of bringing them to make peace save by war, quick and strong.
How some of Picrochole’s governors put him in the ultimate danger by their impetuous counsel
CHAPTER 31
[Becomes Chapter 33.
A chapter with laughter directed at real events.
The effect of bad counsellors on stupid kings. Rabelais has read and digested Lucian’s The Ship, or the Wishes and Plutarch’s Life of Pyrrhus. He directs the lessons they imply against the Emperor Charles V, whose device consisted of two columns with the motto ‘Plus Ultra’, (‘Further Beyond’). (The Straits of Seville, or of Sybil, are the Straits of Gibraltar: the twin columns of Hercules stretched only that far. Charles V ruled over a much greater empire, ‘Further Beyond’).
The Turkish admiral Barbarossa took Tunis on 22 August 1534; from at least January 1535, Charles V began preparing a mighty navy to reverse the Turkish successes. He invested Tunis for several weeks from 20 of June 1535. The French were actively seeking an alliance with Barbarossa and the Sublime Forte generally; there was no question of restricting French alliances to Christians only! Early in 1535 Guillaume Du Bellay wrote a general letter to the German princes explaining why François I was suppressing seditious Christian extremists at home while Turkish emissaries were flitting in and out of Paris. This part of Gargantua is best understood as referring to these events. (The interpolation of Algiers, Bona and Corona in 1542 keeps up the satire of Charles V: in 1541 the Emperor had undertaken a disastrous campaign against those Moorish towns, and the French were pleased at his reverses.)
Dividing an army into two parts is a folly condemned by Rabelais in a letter to his patron, Geoffroy d’Estissac, Bishop of Maillezais: the Turk had divided his army and was defeated by the Sophy. Rabelais adds, ‘See here the ill counsel that it is to divide one’s army before victory.’ (The Duke of Albany also drew off the flower of his camp before the battle of Pavia when François I was defeated and taken prisoner.)
‘Hasten slowly’ is one of the best known of all emblems, represented by the anchor and the dolphin used by the French admiral. It is the subject of a very long and personal explanation in the Adages of Erasmus (II, I, I), in which both Horappolo and Lascaris are mentioned.
The name of the only wise counsellor, Echephron, means ‘prudent’ or ‘wise’ in Greek.
‘Spadassino’ suggests an Italian; Squit’s name renders merdaille, a name given to raw recruits.
An error, ‘Swedes’ – for ‘Swiss’ – was corrected in ‘35. Such errors suggest that Rabelais did not see his new book through the press.]
Having plundered the fouaces, there appeared before Picrochole le Duc de Little-trash, le Comte Spadassino and Captain Squit. They said to him:
‘Sire: today we will make you the most sprightly and knightly prince there ever has been since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Here is how:
[‘Please, please,’ said Picrochole, ‘do put on your hats.’
‘We are most honoured, Cyre,’ they said. ‘We are merely doing our duty.]26 You will leave behind you here some captain or other with a small band of men to garrison the fort, which we believe to be sufficiently strong, partly by nature, partly because of the ramparts you yourself have devised.
‘You will divide your army in two, as you well know how. One part will go and throw itself against this fellow Grandgousier and his men. He will be easily discomfited by them at the very first encounter. There you will put your hands on piles of money, [, for that villein has pots of it: we say villein because a noble prince never has a penny: saving is a villein’s vice].
‘Meanwhile the other part will make for Aunis, Saintonge, Angoulême and Gascony, as well as Périgord, Médoc and the Landes. Without resistance they will take towns, castles and fortresses. At Bayonne, Saint Jean-de-Luz and Fontarabia you will commandeer all the boats and then coast along towards Galicia and Portugal, sacking all the maritime forts as far as Lisbon, where you will find all the shipping required by a conqueror. By Gosh! Spain will give in! They’re nothing but yokels! You will pass through the Straits of Sybil: there, you will set up two pillars as magnificent as those of Hercules in perpetual memory of your name: and those straits shall be called the Picrocholine Sea.
&n
bsp; ‘You’ve crossed the Picrocholine Sea and look! Barbarossa’s becoming your slave.’
‘I,’ said Picrochole, ‘shall have mercy upon him.’
‘Indeed,’ they said, ‘provided he gets baptized!
‘Then you will storm the kingdoms of Tunis and Hippo, [Algiers, Bona, Corona:] indeed all Barbary.
‘Passing ultra, you will hold Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica and the islands of the Gulf of Genoa and the Balearic Sea.
‘Sailing leftwards along the coast, you will establish your dominion over Languedoc, Provence, Savoy, Genoa, Florence, Lucca. And then, God help you, Rome! Poor mister pope is already dying of fright.’
‘By my faith,’ said Picrochole, ‘I shan’t ever kiss his slipper.’
‘Italy taken, look! Naples, Calabria, Apulia and Sicily are all ransacked. Malta too. I wish those funny old knights who used to be in Rhodes had resisted you, just to see the colour of their piss.’
‘I would very much like to go to Loreto,’ said Picrochole.
‘No, no!’ they said. ‘Do that on the way back. From Malta we shall take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes and the Cyclades; and then set upon the Morea. We’ve taken it! By Saint Trinian, God help Jerusalem, for in might the Sultan cannot be compared to you!’
‘I,’ said Picrochole, ‘will therefore rebuild the temple of Solomon.’
‘No,’ they said, ‘not yet. Wait a while. Never rush into your enterprises. Do you know what Octavian Augustus used to say? Hasten slowly. It behoves you first to hold Asia Minor, Caria, Lycia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia, Mysia, Bithynia, Carrasia, Satalia, Samagria, Castamena, Luga and Sebasta as far as the Euphrates.’
‘Shall we see,’ said Picrochole, ‘Babylon and Mount Sinai?’
‘No need of that just now,’ they said. ‘Good Lord! haven’t we done enough, slogging through the Caspian Mountains,27 sailing over the Hircanian Sea and riding over the two Armenias and the three Arabias?’
‘By my faith!’ said Picrochole, ‘We’re in trouble! Oh! those poor wretches!’
‘Eh?’ they said.
‘What’ll we drink in those deserts? [For Julian Augustus and all his army died there of thirst; or so we are told.]’
‘We,’ said they, ‘have already seen to all that.
‘Upon the Syrian Sea you have nine thousand and fourteen large ships laden with the world’s best wines. They have already arrived at Jaffa. There they found twenty-two hundred thousand camels and sixteen hundred elephants, which you had already captured during a hunt near Sidjilmassa when you rode into Libya, taking into the bargain the entire Mecca-bound caravan: that provided you with all the wine you needed, didn’t it?’
‘True,’ he said, ‘but it wasn’t cool when we drank it.’
‘Ha! [Cool!]’ they said. ‘By some little Cod’s might! A valiant knight, a conqueror, a pretender to universal Empire cannot always have it easy. God be praised that you and your men have come safe and entire to the very banks of the Tigris.’
‘But,’ said he, ‘what is being done by that part of our army which discomfited that soak of a peasant, Grandgousier?’
‘They are not being idle,’ they said. ‘We shall link up with them soon. They have taken Brittany for you, together with Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland and Zeeland. They have crossed the Rhine over the guts of the Swedes and the Lansquenets.
‘Part of them have quelled Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne and Savoy as far as Lyons, where they met up with your troops returning from their naval victories in the Mediterranean Sea and are now regrouped in Bohemia, having first sacked Swabia, Würtemberg, Bavaria, Austria, Moravia and Styria. Then together they fiercely attacked Lübeck, Norway, Sweden, Dacia, Gothia, Greenland and the Hanseatics as far as the Frozen Sea.
‘That done, they conquered the Orkneys and subjugated Scotland, England and Ireland. From there they navigated through the shoals of the Baltic Sea, passed through the Sarmatians, vanquished and subdued Prussia, Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Walachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria and Turkey, and are now in Constantinople.’
‘Let’s join up with them as quickly as possible,’ said Picrochole, ‘I want also to be the Emperor of Trebizond. We’ll slaughter all those Turkish and Moslem dogs, won’t we?’
‘What the devil else!’ they said. ‘And you will bestow all their goods and lands on those who have done you honourable service.’
‘Reason so requires,’ he said. ‘That is only just. On you I bestow Carmania, Syria and the whole of Palestine.’
‘Oh, Cyre!’ they said. ‘That’s most kind of you. Many thanks. May God make you ever to prosper.’
An old nobleman was there present, a man tried by many hazards and a true old campaigner. His name was Echephron. When he heard that discussion he said:
‘I fear this whole enterprise of yours will be like that jug of milk in the farce, by which a cobbler had a mad dream of becoming rich: the jug was shattered and he had nothing for dinner. What is your aim in these fine conquests? What will be the end of such travels and travails?’
‘We shall then rest at our ease,’ said Picrochole.
Echephron replied, ‘[And what if you never come back, for the journey is long and perilous.] Would it not be better to take our rest here and now without exposing ourselves to such hazards? [“Nothing venture: gain nor horse nor mule,” quoth Salomon. “Too much venture, lose both horse and mule,” retorted Malcon.]’28
‘Oh!’ said Spadassino. ‘By God, what a mad dreamer! Are we to hide in a chimney-corner, passing our lives and our time with the ladies, stringing pearls or spinning yarn like Sardanapalus!’
‘Enough!’ said Picrochole, ‘Let us pass ultra! My only fear concerns those devilish legions of Grandgousier’s. Supposing they attack our tail while we’re here in Mesopotamia: what remedy is there?’
‘An excellent one,’ said Squit: ‘a pretty little mobilization order sent by you to the Muscovites will instantly put fifty thousand elite fighters in the field. O! Make me but your Deputy and – I disavow, damme! the flesh…, the death…, the blood…!29 – Why! I’d kill a comb for a haberdasher! I snap, I bay, I strike, I slay!’30
‘Up then and onwards!’ said Picrochole. ‘Hurry everything along! Let him who loves me follow me.’31
How Gargantua quit the city of Paris to come to the help of his country; and how Gymnaste encountered his foes
CHAPTER 32
[Becomes Chapter 34.
From dreams of world conquest back to the pays of Rabelais. All the place-names would have been known to Rabelais from childhood.
‘The devil take me’ was an extremely common oath.]
That self-same hour Gargantua (who, having read his father’s letter, had left Paris at once astride his great mare) had already crossed over Nuns’ Bridge with Ponocrates, Gymnaste and Eudemon, who had taken post-horses to follow him. The rest of his train were coming at the normal pace, bringing all his books and philosophical paraphernalia.
When he reached Parilly he was warned by the tenant-farmer of Gouget that Picrochole had fenced himself round at La Roche-Clermauld, despatched Captain Tri-ffart with a large army to assail the forest of Vède and Vaugaudry and ransacked the very hen-houses as far as the wine-press at Billard: the excesses they were committing throughout the pays were outlandish and hardly credible. Gargantua was so alarmed that he was unsure of what to say or do, but Ponocrates advised that they should proceed towards le Sieur de La Vauguyon, who had always been their friend and ally: by him they would be better informed about all that was going on.
They did so at once and found him already fully determined to help them; his opinion was that he should send one of his men to reconnoitre the pays to learn how the enemy was situated so that they could act upon counsel based on how things actually stood at that time. Gymnaste offered to go, and it was decided that it would be better if he took along with him someone who knew the highways and byways and the local rivers.
So he left with Prelinguand, Vauguyon
’s equerry, and they fearlessly spied out the land on every side. Meanwhile Gargantua rested and had something to eat with his men, giving his mare a picotin of oats (that is, sixty-four hundredweight [and three bushels]).
Gymnaste and his companion rode on until they came upon the enemy scattered in disorder, pillaging and pilfering everything they could. When they espied him afar, they came dashing up in a mob to rob him.
Then he cried out to them:
‘Gentlemen; a poor devil am I. Have mercy upon me, I pray. I still have one golden crown left: we shall drink it up [for it is potable gold]. And this horse here shall be sold to pay for my welcome. That done, retain me as one of yours, for no man knows how to catch, baste, roast, dress and indeed, by God, carve and season a chicken better than I do. And for my initiation gift I drink to all good fellows.’
He then unstopped his leathern bottle and took a decent swig without sticking his nose in. The poor wretches stared at him, gaping with jaws a good foot wide and hanging out their tongues like greyhounds waiting to drink after him. But at that moment up ran Captain Tri-ffart to see what was going on. Whereupon Gymnaste proffered him his bottle, saying:
‘Here you are, Captain. Take a bold swig. I’ve tried it: it’s wine from La Foye-Monjault.’
‘Hey!’ said Tri-ffart. ‘This here bumpkin is taxing us with his mockery! Who are you, fellow?’
‘A poor devil,’ said Gymnaste.
‘Ha,’ said Tri-ffart. ‘Since you are a poor devil you may rightly pass through: “poor devils pass through without tax or toll”. But it is not the custom for poor devils to be so well mounted. Wherefore Monsieur Devil, dismount so that I may have your steed. And if it doesn’t take me, you, Monsieur Devil, will have to do so: I’d very much like such a devil to take me!’
How Gymnaste nimbly slew captain Tri-ffart and other of Picrochole’s men
CHAPTER 33
Gargantua and Pantagruel Page 33