"From the gourd?" Ida asked.
"You don't know about the realm of the gourd? It's where bad dreams are made, for the night mares to carry out to deserving sleepers."
"Yes, I know that. My tutor told me. But I didn't know that any creatures could come out of it, except the night mares."
"Well, they seldom do. But sometimes funny things happen. Marrow and Grace'l had quite a story. They helped me, actually; that's how I recovered my firewater opal."
Okra noticed that a closet door was opening a crack by itself. Could the skeleton be listening? Maybe talk about big skeletons interested little skeletons.
Could that be a way through? If they got all the little skeletons listening, so they didn't want to yell "boo!" all the time? Okra wasn't quite sure how that would help, but it seemed better than nothing.
"Tell us about Marrow and Grace'l," Okra suggested.
"Yes, I'm curious too," Ida said.
"Well, it really isn't—" Mela started to demur. But Okra nudged her gently with a toe. Then Mela saw the partly open closet doors, and realized that something was happening. "Very well. It all started, as far as I was concerned, when Marrow brought Prince Dolph to me in a boat. Actually the boat was made up of the bones of Marrow and Grace'l; it was weird! I saw that cute prince and decided that he would do for a husband, once he came of age to join the Adult Conspiracy." She paused. "Do you suppose those little skeletons in their closets are youngsters? Then I mustn't say any more about that!"
"How many adult skeletons are out of the gourd?" Ida inquired.
"Only those two, I believe. So they made a couple." Then Mela's eyes widened. "Why, these little skeletons must be theirs! There's no other way, because any other little skeletons would still be in the gourd."
"So there can't be very many," Okra said. "Maybe only one or two, and they move around to block off any doors we open."
Mela nodded. Then she resumed her history. "So I took the little prince down to my cozy den under the sea, and fed him nutritious food. But the little mischief changed into a gourd and I got caught by its peephole. Then Marrow Bones came down to take him away. But we made a deal: in exchange for the prince, they would fetch me back my lost firewater opal. So Grace'l remained with me as a hostage, and I let the prince go."
Okra saw the doors opening farther as the little skeletons listened. There were only two of them, it seemed. That would be about right for a family of four.
"So then the prince and Marrow Bones went to beard Draco Dragon in his den, where he hoarded my precious opal together with another he had. They fought, and the prince changed into all sorts of shapes, but it was an even contest. Then they had to make a truce, to attend Chex Centaur's mating ceremony. But while they were gone, the goblins raided the dragon's nest, and only Marrow Bones was there to defend it. I must say, he behaved exactly like a hero, fighting off all those goblins alone."
The doors opened all the way, and the two little skeletons came out, fascinated by the history. They weren't nearly so frightening, now that they were acting like children instead of like spooks.
"He used all sorts of skeleton tricks," Mela continued. "He had the bats who helped guard the dragon's nest dump the gems into the water, and the fish who also helped guard the nest bit at any goblin who tried to get those gems. But in the end the goblins pulled his bones apart and put them in bags, and got most of the gems. He hid the two firewater opals in his skull, but the goblins took his skull too."
The little skeletons crept closer, listening. They were almost within reach.
"When the prince and dragon returned, they discovered the disaster," Mela continued. "So they enlisted the help of the naga folk, and Prince Dolph agreed to marry Princess Nada Naga, when they both grew old enough. Later he changed his mind and married Electra instead, but that's complicated. The naga intercepted the goblins and rescued the treasure. And Draco Dragon was so grateful to Marrow Bones for all he had done that he gave him both firewater opals, and he brought them back to me. I was so pleased! So I wish him all the best, and his offspring too."
Then Okra caught one little skeleton by an ankle, and Ida caught the other by a wrist bone. They struggled, but they were too small to win free.
"And you must be Marrow and Grace'l's children," Mela said. "How nice you look! What are your names?"
"I'm Picka Bone," one said. "I'm Marrow's son."
"I'm Joy'nt," the other said.
"Well, you seem like two fine boys," Mela said.
"I'm not a boy, I'm a girl," Joy'nt said. "I'm Grace'l's daughter."
"Oops. I couldn't tell, without—" Mela paused, evidently concerned about the Adult Conspiracy.
"I have an extra rib," Joy'nt explained. She flicked a rib with a bone finger, and it chimed.
"And you are serving your service for an Answer," Mela said. "And you did very well. But I think now we shall be able to get through one of those closets without getting spooked."
"We just wanted to hear about daddy's great deeds," Picka said.
"And about mommy's trial," Joy'nt said.
"Well, I hadn't gotten to that yet." So then Mela told them all about Grace'l's trial for messing up a bad dream. They had evidently heard all this before, but never tired of it, in the manner of children.
And while Mela talked, she got up and checked the nearest closet. Sure enough, it now had no spook, and it led into the castle proper. They had found the way past the third challenge.
Inside they found Humfrey's Mundane wife, Sofia. She was old but brisk. "You must clean up immediately!" she exclaimed. "You have moat moss all over you! And you'll have to put on something more than panties. I fear that dressing all three of you is more than I can handle. Socks are more my specialty."
"We're sorry," Mela said, sounding as shamefaced as Okra felt.
"I will have to exchange with Rose," Sofia decided. "She's expert with dresses."
"We don't mean to be any trouble," Ida said. "We just came for some Answers."
"Not garbed like that!" Sofia said firmly. "Suppose someone saw you? Now get in the shower, and I'll see about exchanging."
Obediently they marched into the shower. This was a chamber with a dense little raincloud floating above. The moment they stepped in, it proceeded to rain on them. The water was cold, but that couldn't be helped. They struggled out of their soiled clothing and stood bashfully bare, getting cleaned by the water.
Okra, shivering, had an idea. "Maybe if we make the cloud mad, it will heat up."
"Oh, that does make sense!" Ida exclaimed.
"So who is the best at insulting clouds?" Mela asked, bemused.
"Let me try it," Okra said. "I'm going to pretend it's Fracto." She took a breath. "Cloud, listen to me. I think you're the ugliest bit of fog I've seen."
The cloud twitched. It was listening.
"I've seen big clouds and small clouds," Okra continued. "But you're the puniest excuse of all."
The cloud developed a pink fringe. It was getting angry!
"I've seen satisfying clouds and maddening clouds, but you're far from the maddening cloud."
Little flecks of lightning zapped through the cloud. It was really getting furious. Indeed, its water was warming.
"In fact—" Okra began.
"Enough," Mela whispered. "The water's getting too hot." She was using a carved soapstone on her body. It cleaned off the grime wherever it rubbed. Okra had not seen this type of magic before, but she liked it.
"In fact, I guess you're okay," Okra said.
The rage of the little storm subsided. The water went from hot to warm. As it sank back to cool, they got out from under, having finished their shower.
They found cottonwood towels and dried themselves off. It was a job to get their hair dry and fluffed out, for all three of them had whole hanks of it. Mela's was golden in the air, but sea green when wet; Ida's was light brown above, turning green-yellow below; Okra's own was of course ogre dark.
Then Mela put on one of her spare
plaid panties, and Okra put on her spare black panty, and Ida dug her spare yellow panty from her purse. Her remaining clothing was still sodden; she rinsed it out under the cloud.
They stepped back into the larger chamber. There was a new woman. She was dressed like a former queen or princess, with roses on her gown. "Oh, you must be Rose!" Okra said.
"So I am," the woman agreed. "Sofia exchanged with me. And you three are surely Mela, Okra, and Ida. Let's see about dressing you. I have a collection of clothing left behind by various parties, and I think some of it should fit you, with a few adjustments."
Rose did indeed know her business. For Okra she produced a pair of ocher dragon leather pants and boots, making her an ocher ogre, as well as stainless steel gauntlets and an umber vest and jacket lined with a golden fleece.
"I have heard so much about you," Okra said shyly.
Rose was surprised. "You have? But I have been back in Xanth only recently."
"I know Magpie, the demon maid. She said—"
"Oh, Magpie! She's the only demoness I know with a tender heart. She doesn't have a heart, of course, but she acts as if she does. I didn't know she was working among the ogres!"
"I think it amuses her. The way it amuses Metria to trick people, only Magpie never tricks anyone."
"That is true," Rose agreed.
For Ida she brought a princessly blue dress and slippers. "Oh, I couldn't wear that!" Ida protested. "It's far too fancy."
"Oh, it's all right," Rose said reassuringly. "This is one of Princess Ivy's dresses. You are just about her size. She's visiting Castle Roogna now, a place dear to my heart, but I'm quite sure she will be glad to have you borrow it."
"A princess!" Ida exclaimed, dismayed. "No, she wouldn't want a lowly person like me to touch her things!"
"Trust me," Rose said, with a subtle smile. "She is a sharing person."
Then she dressed Mela. "Sofia was right: you cannot go around showing mantraps like those," Rose said, glancing down at the plaid panty. "Any male who saw you would freak out."
"They did," Ida said, giggling.
Soon Mela was wearing a nice plaid skirt which completely covered her panty, so that if a naughty gust of wind should happen to blow it up, no one would realize that the matching panty had been exposed. That should save a number of males from risk. Above, she wore a heavy-duty halter which must have been left by a sea horse, and a blue green shirt with wave patterns on it. Okra would hardly have recognized her, if she hadn't been present for the change. Mela looked just exactly almost like a full human woman, with the accent on the full.
Then Rose showed them to a mirror wall, and Okra almost didn't recognize herself. "But I too look almost human!" she said. She had never thought that what was possible for a merwoman was feasible for an ogress. It was disgruntling, and an ogre without grunts would be in a sad state.
Rose considered. "You're right. We must do something about those gauntlets." In a moment she brought a pair of elbow-length black gloves. "Put these on instead."
"But I like the gauntlets!" Okra protested. "They are ogre style."
"Then perhaps you can wear them over the gauntlets," Rose suggested.
They tried that, and it worked. The outline of the gauntlets softened, and now Okra's hands and arms looked nearly completely human. It was embarrassing.
"Now you must be hungry," Rose said. "Sofia is better at meals than I am, so I will switch back with her."
"You can switch back and forth, just like that?" Okra asked.
"Oh, certainly. As long as there is only one of us here in Xanth at a time."
"But don't you get into any differences about whose turn it is?" Ida asked.
"Oh, no. We have known each other for a long time, and we are all friends. We have much in common."
"In common?" Mela asked.
"Humfrey."
Oh. Okra realized that it probably would be awkward for more than one wife to be here at a time.
Then a strange animal appeared in the doorway. "Eeeek, a monster!" Ida shrieked.
Rose laughed. "No, that's only Canis Major. He's from the Dog Star. He's very Sirius."
"He certainly looks serious," Mela agreed.
"He's a dog of the species transmuto," Rose explained. "Each day he is a different breed. He was invisible when our last visitors were here, so they never noticed him. Today he is nondescript; tomorrow, who knows? Let him sniff you, so he will know you."
Canis approached. He sniffed each of them in turn. Then he wagged his tail. They discovered that it was fun petting him. None of them had seen such a creature before.
"Now you must be hungry," Sofia said from the doorway.
They jumped. For a moment it seemed that Rose had changed into another species, but Okra realized that she had merely exchanged again with the other wife. This must be a strange household!
She brought them to the dining room and served them homemade shepherd's bread from a large old black iron kettle with a lid on, in the big stone oven. She sliced up the bread and made toasted cheese open-faced sandwiches served with pumpkin-seed sauce, fresh razzleberries and cream in glass bowls, fresh figs from the figment tree, and watermelon shells full of fresh water.
Okra lifted her sandwich to her mouth, and paused. Its open face was frowning.
"Just bite into it," Sofia said.
"But I'm afraid it will bite me back."
"No, I'm mundane. My food is mostly unmagical. My open-faced sandwiches aren't really alive."
Okra poked the face with a finger, and it didn't react. She realized that it was merely a molded face, not a real one. So she bit into it, and it tasted magically good.
For dessert they had cheesecake scented with key lime juice and topped by crystals of citrus rinds. There was also what Sofia called chocolate bliss: fresh chocolate cake served with a dish of white chocolate and raspberry sauce swirled together. The cake was topped with candied violents which whipped the cream.
Finally Mela protested. "You folk are being very nice to us. But we came here to ask the Good Magician our Questions. We don't deserve all this attention. In fact, we expect to have to serve our years for our Answers."
"That's no reason not to treat you courteously," Sofia said. "I spent a good many years with Humfrey, and we always treated querents well. After all, if they have the gumption to come through the challenges, they deserve some respect."
That did seem to make sense. "But we had better go ask the Good Magician and get it over with," Ida said.
"I'm afraid you will have to wait until tomorrow morning," Sofia said. "The Magician is indisposed today."
"You mean he's grumpy?" Okra asked. Immediately she regretted it, because she could tell by the reactions of the others that she had pulled another ogreish social blunder.
But Sofia only smiled. "That is his nature," she agreed. "Every decade he gets a little worse. But of course he has a lot on his mind. However, I'm sure he will see you in the morning."
Their room for the night was piled with pillows. Okra sniffed the air with her sensitive ogre nose. "Someone has been here," she said.
"Well, of course," Sofia said. "This is our guest chamber. I wasn't here, but I understand that the last group of querents visited during Dana's watch. A goblin, an odd elf, and a winged centaur foal. They have been the objects of some interest among those of us who now reside down in Hell, as have you three."
"Us?" Ida asked, startled.
"Of course. All of us were curious about the color of—"
"My panties!" Mela said, seeming not entirely pleased.
"And about the identity of Ida, who it seems was lost by the stork near Nymph Valley. And Okra, who it seems was displaced by Jenny Elf."
"Displaced?" Okra asked, as startled as Ida had been.
"Oh, didn't you know? There was to be a Jenny character, and the choice was between an elf girl and an ogre girl, and the elf was chosen. So she is Jenny Elf, and you are a minor character."
"I was supposed to be
a major character?" Okra asked, a strange emotion coursing through her.
"Well, only if you were chosen. But you weren't, so it doesn't matter. Well, good night." Sofia departed.
Mela and Ida rearranged the pillows, doffed their new clothing, and soon settled down. But Okra remained in a morass of emotions. She had had a chance to be a major character—and someone else had horned in! That elf had gotten it. She could smell the traces of Jenny Elf, who had been here. She smelled like no ordinary elf, because there was no particular elf scent associated with her. That was odd. But it made her easy to identify. Okra would not forget that scent.
Slowly a thought percolated through her ogre brain. Her Question for the Good Magician had already been half answered. Jenny Elf had gotten the status that might have been Okra's. But if something happened to that elf, then there would be only one person to have that status: Okra herself.
How could she get rid of Jenny Elf? That was now her Question.
In the morning they got up, dressed, and joined Sofia for a breakfast of pease porridge. Some of the peas were hot and some were cold and some looked as if they had been in the pot for some time. "This is just right for eating, now," Sofia said, confirming Okra's impression. "It is exactly nine days old."
Mela picked out some hot peas, and Ida selected cold ones. But Okra liked those that were nine days old.
At last it was time to see the Good Magician Humfrey. Sofia ushered them into the smallest, dingiest, most crowded chamber of the castle. There, almost lost amidst the piled tomes, was an old gnarled gnome of a man. This was Himself.
He looked up. "What do you want?" he demanded grumpily.
They hesitated. Then Mela spoke. "We—we have Questions, sir."
"Don't call me sir!" he snapped.
"No, your majesty."
"Don't call me that either. In fact don't call me anything. It only wastes time."
"Uh, yes," Mela agreed, out of sorts.
"Well, get on with it," he grumped.
Mela took a breath, which was impressive even in her clothing. "How can I find a suitable husband?" she asked.
The Color of Her Panties Page 17