The Crypt of the Undead Sorcerer and Other Vacation Spots

by Berin Stephens

head again. “Fahr-haveen two day away. Von't make it. Skeletons out looking for veecteems. You be dead by morning.”

  “Skeletons?” Nut-boy's eyes widened and his body stiffened as if he had been placed into a coffin.

  “No vorry, I keep you safe. It be fun.” He shoved his sword into a sheath along his back before picking up a shoulder bag.

  “Wouldn't it be better if we stayed here and got a fire going for when you get back?” I tried.

  “No. Too dangerous. Troglyns about. Come vit me, Nonac protect.”

  Now, I didn't believe all his cabbage about troglyns and skeletons. What I did believe was that if he wanted to, he could grab our necks and pop our heads off like pimples.

  “Okay, uh, maybe we'll go. Help a little.” I didn't know what else to say.

  Nonac's smile returned. “Ah, goot. Vee'll have so much fun. Huh, huh, huh.” He put a kind, but firm hand on each of our shoulders as he escorted us back out into the deluge.

  We walked along a narrow trail with my socks squishing noisily the whole time. Nonac looked down at my feet and shook his head. “Ah, you city folk and your shoes.”

  I looked at his feet and noticed he was barefoot. Barbarians must have something against clothing and boots. I just hoped that fur loin cloth of his stayed on.

  “So, uh, Nonac,” I said, “what is it that you plan to do at this tomb?”

  “Ancient evil sorcerer buried there, Mah-reek. Been hired to find ancient, powerful orb.”

  “But what do you need us for?”

  “You hold torch, yah? Help me fight off skeleton guards.”

  I swallowed. “Um, okay.”

  “You have veapon?”

  “Veapon? Oh weapon, yeah.” I patted the trusty knife at my belt.

  We reached the top of a hill and saw the crumbling remains of a graveyard. The centuries hadn't been kind, as many of the grave markers were little more than worn stubs. Erosion had exposed several bones throughout the area. Nonac strode toward a large gray building in the middle of the graveyard. He drew his sword and stabbed at the bones along the way to make sure they didn’t attack us. Like that could happen.

  “Uh . . . Myrick,” Brutus said.

  I turned and saw him standing at the edge of the graveyard. “What?”

  “I can't do this.”

  “Sure you can.” Actually, I didn't think he could either, but I wasn't wild about making our gigantic friend angry. Besides, I was a much faster runner than Brutus, so if there really were monsters, they'd get him first.

  Just kidding. Sort of.

  By now, Nonac was halfway to the tomb entrance, gleefully hacking old bones to bits. I realized that this was our chance to make a break for it. We could run back to the building, grab our packs, and head to Fairhaven. Assuming, of course, that there weren’t any skeletons waiting for us.

  Just before I could tell Nut-boy to run, an eerie howl erupted from the woods below. It could have been a troglyn, or a wolf, or zombies craving brains; all I know is that both Nut-boy and I ran past Nonac and reached the tomb entrance before he did.

  Once inside, I shook the rain off my clothes the best I could as Nonac’s huge body filled the open doorway. He reached into his shoulder bag and pulled out two torches. He lit them and handed them to Nut-boy and me. We stood at the top of a stairway that descended deep into the ground.

  I stared at the torch while I put my marvelous brain to work. “How about if you go check things out down there and we'll wait up here. You know, watch your back.”

  “No vorry, Nonac fast. Nonac vatch your back. You first.” Nonac gave us a little push forward. “You light vay so I can see vhen zombies come.”

  “Okay,” I said, trying to hide the trembling in my voice, “I have an idea. How about if we go first?”

  “Yah. Goot.” Nonac grunted as he drew his gigantic sword. I also drew my knife; all two inches of its menacing steel glinted in the torch-light. Nonac gave another scary grin and waved me down the stone steps. I swallowed hard and took the first step.

  The size of the building above ground in no way prepared me for the vastness of the underground portion. Long hallways seemed to stretch forever leading to numberless dusty chambers. All of the rooms we passed had been either emptied by looters or by time. Nonac kept urging us forward, though I couldn’t figure out any pattern to his directions. Several times we had to find ways around passageways blocked by cave-ins. We also found a few triggered spike traps with impaled skeletons and a couple of bottomless pits. Nonac stopped every few steps to probe his sword in front of us searching for any unsprung traps.

  After several minutes, I relaxed and sheathed my knife. All the traps had been sprung centuries ago and we hadn’t even seen the slightest hint of an undead creature. Besides, it felt nice to be out of the rain and to feel the warmth of the torches. Maybe this could be fun, other than my cold, wet feet going almost completely numb.

  “M-m-myrick?” Nut-boy asked.

  “What?”

  “Are we going to die?”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s just a bunch of empty rooms. The only things that live down here are rats. Our biggest danger is our muscle-brained friend, here.”

  “Huh?” Our muscle-brained friend asked. “You talk 'bout Nonac?”

  Oops. “Uh, no, it's some other guy, a friend of ours. You don't know him.”

  “Oh. Yah. Goot.”

  “So, my well-biceped friend, what is this orb you’re looking for?”

  “Oh, yah, very powerful. Boss says he pay goot if Nonac find.”

  “But what does it do?”

  Nonac shrugged, then thumped his chest. “No vorry. Nonac share gold with you vhen find. Share vit friends Mah-reek and Broo-tus.”

  I have to admit, that piqued my interest. “So, where are you from?”

  “From north land, from Airamic.”

  “Never heard of it. Nice place?”

  “Perfect. It too varm down here in south. Not enough snow.”

  “Oh, yeah, that could be a problem.” I was beginning to think this guy’s brain had experienced severe frost-bite.

  “Myrick,” Nut-boy said. “I have a feeling that something terrible is about to happen. That neither of us will make it out of here alive. I keep seeing things moving in the shadows. I think zombies are following us.”

  “That's cabbage. It's just your imagination being overly active. Trust me, my boy, there are no such things as zombies, ghosts, or skeletons.”

  Right on cue, Nut-boy screamed. I would have screamed to, but instead had to duck as Nonac's blade of death whistled over my head. As I fell to the ground and rolled to my side, I saw his sword crash into a skeleton that hung in chains against the wall. Bones flew everywhere as Nonac repeatedly slashed and hacked at the poor departed soul.

  Once Nonac finished bashing the remains of the skull into minuscule bits, I said, “Uh, hey, my shirtless friend, I think it's dead.”

  Nonac stopped and looked at the carnage he had created. Tiny chunks of dry bones lay spread all across the hall. He nodded.

  I stood up. It smelled like someone had wet their pants. After checking to make sure it wasn't me, I looked at Brutus. His face had gone completely white and he took rapid breaths.

  “Hey, Brutus. Are you okay?”

  He didn't answer.

  Nonac screamed some kind of Airamic battle-cry causing my flesh to almost leave my bones. I turned to see our pet giant charge up the hall with his sword swinging over his head. In the torchlight, I could make out several more dusty skeletons haplessly hanging from the wall, not bothering a soul. Nonac's sword smashed into them, sending their pieces flying about as if they had been struck by a tornado. It took him a couple more minutes to turn them into nothing more than piles of splinters.

  Nonac walked back wearing a huge grin, panting from his exertion. “All dead now.”

  “Yeah, I think you're right.” Of course, the poor chaps had already been dead for the last thousand years, but I wasn't going to p
oint that out to him. He looked too happy for me to burst his bubble.

  “Vhere Broo-tus go?” Nonac asked when he reached me.

  I looked at where Nut-boy had stood a moment before. Evidently, he had scampered away while I had watched Nonac defeat the enemy hoards. All that he left behind was a puddle.

  “Um, I guess I better go back and find him. You go on without us. We’ll catch up.” I turned to head back out of the tomb.

  “Dat okay, vee don't need him.” Nonac grabbed my arm and led me deeper into the dark catacombs. “I still have my friend, Mah-reek.”

  “Wonderful,” I muttered.

  We continued on for several minutes without any more threats from the inhabitants. Nonac must have frightened them away with his amazing fighting prowess. Or else they had crumbled to dust because of fear.

  Something moved and clicked beneath my foot. “Uh oh.”

  “Vhy you say 'uh oh'?”

  I looked down and saw that a stone disk beneath my foot had pressed down. A low rumbling sounded from above. Before I could even think, Nonac grabbed me with his free hand and carried me under his arm. Trust me, that is not an experience you want to go through. The time I snuck into the castle through the privy hole smelled better than Nonac's armpits.

  Rocks fell around us. I choked from the dirt and dust. Several pieces hit Nonac's head and back, but he just grunted and kept running. Fortunately, he was a faster runner than he looked and had us out of the collapse in a matter of seconds.

  He put me down, allowing me a chance to see the damage. A giant stone slab now sat where we had been a moment before.

  “Not good.” I turned and noticed Nonac was bleeding from several cuts.