by A. m Madden
I reveled in this quiet time with just Michael and me.
“I’m sorry, my boy,” I said softly. “Mommy’s so sorry I’ve been so distracted. You’re my life now, and I promise I’ll do the very best I can.”
…
Max
The string of texts and the few pictures of my son that came through once I powered on my phone caused a tsunami of emotion. Relief that Jade and my son were fine dominated. But the guilt over missing it all refused to let my joy soar.
It was a sheer miracle I made it to the hospital in one piece while not having gotten arrested. The small mob of people standing at the elevator bank forced my decision to take the stairs. By the time I barreled toward the nurse’s desk on the maternity floor, the sweat that coated my back had little to do with the physical exertion.
“Jade Easton,” I said.
The woman looked at her screen. “Room 611.”
Just then, Mitch placed a hand on my shoulder. “Max.” Behind him was my mom, a brilliant smile contradicting her glassy, red-rimmed eyes.
“Is she okay? Is my son okay?”
“Yes,” she said, grabbing my hand and squeezing. “They’re fine. They’re both fine. Michael Lawrence, Max. I love it. Your father is probably handing out cigars in heaven as we speak.”
“It was Jade’s idea.” I released a very long sigh of relief. “Where is everyone?”
“We’ve all met him and saw Jade. Her parents are in the lobby, making calls. Your brothers just went to the cafeteria. Amy is in there with her now. We were just going to grab some coffee as well. Go be with them.”
“Thank you.”
I turned on my heel and headed right for her room. As soon as I entered, Jade looked up and smiled. She really was okay. My knees almost buckled.
“Hey,” she wearily. Despite the lack of color in her cheeks, she looked beautiful. When she raised a hand toward me, I bolted to her side to clutch that hand.
“Thank fuck, you’re here.”
Amy? So focused on Jade, I hadn’t even realized she wasn’t alone.
“You two owe me big,” Amy said.
Ignoring her, I scanned Jade’s face and then her body before asking, “How are you?”
“I’m good. It wasn’t too bad.”
“She lies,” Amy argued. “That was the most horrific thing I ever witnessed.” She then grabbed her bag and made for the door. “I’ll be back. I need tequila.”
Once we were alone, Jade’s focus returned to me. I kissed her lips, and they lifted in a smile as I hovered there for a few seconds. With our foreheads pressed together, she said, “I’m so glad you’re here. She’s an awful coach.”
“I don’t doubt it. Wasn’t Brad here?”
Jade laughed sarcastically. “Um…he curled into the fetal position in that chair during my contractions and then tried to escape. He and Amy argued when Amy suggested taking shifts. He flipped a coin, won, and never came back.”
“Bastard.” That brother of mine. “I’m sorry you were alone.”
“I wasn’t. Sapphire got here just in time. Then our parents arrived. They were so determined to…” She paused and bit her lip.
“To what?” At her silence, I guessed what she didn’t want to say. “To cover my absence.”
She smiled sadly. “They meant well.” Removing my jacket, I tossed it on the recliner Amy had vacated. The chair screamed luxury. In fact, except for where Jade was propped up in bed with equipment and IV drips around her, the rest of the space looked nothing like a typical hospital room. The plush couch against the window, the dim lighting, the soft music playing over a speaker all gave the impression we were at a posh hotel.
I sat on the edge of her bed and took her hand. “Is Michael in the nursery?” I couldn’t wait to meet my son, but when Jade hesitated, I gripped her hand tighter while my overheated skin prickled with goose bumps.
“He’s in the NICU,” she said.
“What?” My heart thundered as my blood ran cold. “Why?”
“He’s fine, Max. It was just a precaution.” Her words should have calmed me, but I felt no comfort. “They needed to be sure he was breathing fine on his own and wanted to monitor him closely.” She palmed my jaw. “He’s great. I was already there to feed him. You can go see him.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, searching her face for any sign she was holding something back.
“I am. He’s great, I promise.”
“Okay.” Slightly appeased, I kissed her forehead, letting my lips linger on her warm skin. Just as I pulled away, she gripped the back of my neck and brought my mouth to hers. Feeling her familiar lips caused the emotions I’d held back to come to the surface. All of it, the fear, the terror, the dread, the panic that I tried so hard to push deep down, denying any of it the power to cripple me, rushed through me, having nowhere to go but out through a strangled sob.
And although those negative thoughts dissipated, for now, left in their wake was the guilt that refused to subside over not being here for Jade and my son.
When she pulled away and looked into my tear-filled eyes, she smiled.
“Jade, I was so scared.”
“I know. I was, too. But our son is here, and he’s perfect.”
Nodding, I refrained from apologizing again, not wanting to threaten the obvious joy engulfing Jade. Having missed Michael’s birth would be an unfortunate burden I’d have to add to the one I already carried over missing Mia’s.
“You said you fed him. Breastfeeding went well?”
“It did.”
There was a serenity about her that calmed me, but only slightly. I couldn’t let her know the depth of regret that hung over my head like a storm cloud. This was my cross to bear, and somehow I needed to figure things out…because goddamn guilt shouldn’t be weighing down the joy I felt over Michael’s birth.
I pecked her lips one more time. “You rest. I’ll be back.”
Walking out of her room, I made my way to the nurses’ station. A nurse regarded me, and I informed her that I was Michael’s father and apologized for being there so late, mumbling out the reason why. With a sympathetic nod, she asked for identification and tagged me with a matching hospital bracelet.
“Is it okay if I see my son?”
“Of course, it is,” the nurse said, making me feel like an idiot.
She made a phone call, and soon enough, another nurse appeared. “Mr. Navarro? I’m here to take you to the NICU.”
Wordlessly, I followed her to where my son lay in a plexiglass bassinet, sleeping peacefully.
He seemed so tiny. “How much does he weigh?” I asked, my eyes glued to him.
“Six pounds, five ounces.”
“Is that all?”
“That’s a nice size for a late preterm birth. His APGAR score is normal. He’s having no trouble breathing on his own and will be cleared very soon. You can hold him.” I was directed to scrub up, led to a rocking chair, and handed the baby.
“Hand me your phone. I’ll take some photos.” I unlocked and then handed her my cell before staring down at my son. “Perfect. Now sit and get to know him, Daddy.” The elderly nurse handed me back my phone before leaving me alone with Michael.
When I skimmed a fingertip down his cheek, his eyes fluttered open and focused on me. Seeing him staring at me for the first time caused another bout of tears to moisten my eyes. It was never ending, the emotions controlling me. As fear that he was okay left my thoughts, a new fear that I would somehow continue to disappoint him replaced it. As guilt over missing his birth subsided, a new guilt that I couldn’t be a full-time father replaced that.
On and on it went.
I inhaled, trying to calm myself down, but I couldn’t seem to adequately fill my lungs. The negative emotions created a solid thump in my throat that outweighed all the positives.
As I struggled for a sense of peace, I stared down at my son in awe. He was the second-most beautiful little creature I’d ever seen. My heart swelled to the point of rupture with the amount of love I felt, even while stuck in an abyss of worry. The two melded and fused into one entity, making it impossible to separate them. And as his sister had, Michael merely stared at me oblivious to my angst.
“So…making your debut on Valentine’s Day, huh, bud?” I teased, smiling through my blurred vision. “Well, happy birthday. I am so happy to meet you.”
Michael blinked once, making my heart pound even harder in my chest.
“And…I’m sorry I was late.” I could’ve gone on and promised I’d never disappoint him again, like I had the day his sister was born, but I had no confidence in myself.
Disappointing those I loved was becoming a pattern.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Jade
My eyes flittered opened to see my dad sitting in the chair beside my bed. “Hey.”
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“How long have you been sitting there?”
“A few minutes. I didn’t want to wake you.”
I nodded. “Where is everyone?”
“Scattered. They want to give you some time to rest.” He stood and came to sit on the side of my bed. Awkward silence stretched with things still unsettled between us. I missed my father and the way we could talk about anything.
“Those are pretty,” he said, referring to the huge arrangement sitting on the windowsill. Next to them were a teddy bear Sapphire bought and a balloon bouquet from my parents. “Are they from Max?”
“Work.” I hated sounding so brittle, but he made me defensive when it came to Max. The first thing my father said after Michael was born was I assume your guy is in Miami?
“We were able to get a quick peek at Michael. Named after both grandfathers, huh?” On my nod, he went on to say, “That means a lot to me. Jadie, he’s so beautiful.”
“He is.” After another bout of silence, I tried to swallow down the lump swelling in my throat.
“Sweetheart, I just want you to be happy.” He had voiced this before, but did he really? He took my hand in his as I waited for him to say more. “I also know you’re happiest when you accomplish what you set out to do.”
And there it was…what my father believed I needed to be happy. Could I blame him? Until recently, I had believed it, too.
“You’ve been that way your whole life,” he continued. “That job you were—”
“Whoa,” I cut him off. “What job?” He looked away sheepishly. “Dad?”
“I overheard your sister telling Greg.”
“Great.”
“Don’t blame her, please. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for you. Even without the junior partner title, the money is amazing, Jade. You must take it.” Tears instantly began to swell, and I swiped one away that had rolled down my face. My hormone fluxes had turned me into a leaky faucet lately. I wasn’t ready to talk about that job offer with him, maybe because I knew what he would say. And now he was predictably saying what I knew he’d say.
“I looked into the firm,” he went on. “They’re international. Their practices are exemplary. This is an amazing opportunity for you. And don’t worry about taking on a new job with an infant. Your mom and I are here to help you. I was thinking…you can move back home, and we can watch Michael while you’re working. The commute is a breeze, and you wouldn’t have to worry about cooking or cleaning.”
Sure, it would be easier, but at the cost of my independence. “I’m not moving back home.”
“No day care is open as late as you work,” he argued. “The baby won’t know the difference while he’s young. With your mother and I caring for him, you can work hard to achieve your goal. And then, by the time he’ll be demanding more of your time, you would be able to reap the benefits that come with making partner. Jade, you can’t do it alone without sacrificing something—either your career or quality time with Michael.”
“Women with jobs have babies all the time,” I said angrily before sucking in a deep breath and wincing from all the throbbing that plagued my entire body. “And I’m not alone.”
“But you are, sweetheart.” The pity in his eyes—eyes so similar to my own—made me want to throw up. “He wasn’t even here for Michael’s birth.”
“Stop.” I yanked my hand out of his. “Does Mom know about this? About you ambushing me?”
“I’m not ambushing you,” he said petulantly. “I’m trying to help you see your options. And to answer your question, no, your mother doesn’t know, but she’d be happy to have you back home.” He took advantage of my silence to continue and plead his case. “Your sister, being only a few miles away, would be a big help as well. It makes much more sense than the alternative,” he said, using the same argument Max had.
What was it with the men in my life thinking they had to fix everything for me? Did they think I wasn’t capable of handling my own life?
“Max seems like he’s a good man, but—”
“Dad, I know you went to his gym. I know everything you said to him.”
He sighed. “I went there intending to apologize. And then I saw those balloons.” A mixture of disgust and anger altered his normally neutral expression. “All I did was state the truth. His situation doesn’t allow for a stable life here in New York. He has obligations thousands of miles away. I know you care about him, Jade, but it can’t work. He can’t be in two places at one time. He’s building a future on unstable ground, and you’ll get caught up in the aftershock.”
Hearing my own concerns coming from my father’s mouth crushed me. There were so many things I wanted to argue, but I couldn’t bring myself to say even one of them.
This conversation shouldn’t be happening while my hormones were raging out of control. Because it didn’t bode well for me to silently sit there and cry when I wanted to scream that Max was there for me. Maybe not physically, but he was always there in my corner. He loved me. He wanted me with him.
So why couldn’t I voice any of that to my father?
…
Max
Every muscle in my body went into lockdown over all that I heard. I wanted to barge in, tell him he was wrong. I was there for her. I’d always be there for her. But to a man like him, they’d be nothing but empty words and meaningless promises.
Muffled sobs were the only thing cutting through the sudden silence, and they sliced me wide open.
“Jade, sweetheart…” her dad finally said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want you to know we’re all here for you. You have options.”
When she remained silent, that crushed me more than her sobs had. Clearly, she was confused over our situation, and that one-sided conversation was a huge wake-up call for me.
A few seconds later, as the unmistakable sound of footsteps neared, I ducked into the empty room next door. I needed to talk to her. She was getting it from both ends. And I wasn’t any better than her father in pushing her into something she wasn’t ready for. The difference was his idea actually gave her what she’d worked so hard to achieve. Mine would strip her of the ability to take control of her career. To follow through on the plans she’d so carefully laid before she met me.
I waited a few more seconds before entering her room, where she sat stone-like with her gaze transfixed on the window. When I approached, she turned her head and instantly plastered a huge smile on her face. “Hey. Did you see Michael?”
“I did.” Her smile never faltered as I sat on the edge of her bed and took her hand. “He’s so beautiful.”
“I know. I can’t believe he’s here.”
“The nurse said he should be cleared soon.”
“Oh, thank God.”
I skimmed my hand over her cheek, swiping away the moisture left behind by tea
rs, and her smile wobbled.
“I have something for you.” Reaching into my pocket, I retrieved a slim box I’d been dying to give her. “I had planned to have it delivered to you tonight for Valentine’s Day. I guess now, it serves two purposes.” Wordlessly, I watched as she lifted the hinged lid.
Her eyes widened in wonder. “Max. This is so pretty.” She lifted the slim chain holding a diamond heart. “I love it. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I wanted to say she always had my heart, and this would be a reminder. I wanted to tell her it didn’t matter how many miles that separated us because a titanium tether kept us connected. But knowing what I had to actually say would undermine all that. Still, I remained silent, staring at her hands, holding the token that represented my heart.
Suddenly, she wrapped her hand around mine and squeezed until I met her eyes. “Max, please don’t beat yourself up. You’re here now, and I’m so happy you are.”
I waited a moment then quietly admitted, “I heard what your dad said a few minutes ago.” At that, her smile disappeared completely. “Why didn’t you tell me about the job offer?”
“I was going to. You just had so much on your plate.”
“Babe, he’s right about the job,” I admitted, holding back that her father also correctly pegged every one of my vulnerabilities.
“What?” Her eyes searched my face, silently questioning further.
I wished I could say his disapproval wouldn’t stop me from being with her, but I couldn’t. What the man had voiced was the absolute truth. I hated that he was right about Jade deserving more. I hated that there may never come a day where we saw eye to eye. What I hated most, though, was how those realities were as sharp as a blade that managed to slice a divide between Jade and me.