“It’s my turn to take care of you,” I said as I undid his belt and slacks, pushing them down his strong legs.
“You don’t have to.” He said the words, but he wasn’t fighting me very hard.
“I want to. This time I’m going to take it all, Blake.”
“Fuck.”
I loved it when he’d say that. Sex was the only time I saw Blake ever let go of the reins on his self-control. He didn’t seem to have a filter when I touched him, and instead, he’d talk dirty and let me know the pleasure he was receiving from me.
I gently stroked his dick when it sprang free from its confines. It was already long and hard. I kissed the tip, then licked it.
“Don’t tease me, Bella.” I heard the strain in his voice. He’d had to wait for hours to have his turn, so I supposed it would be cruel to draw out my seduction.
I pressed my lips on his tip, and then slowly took him in my mouth.
“Ahhh... fuck... yes…”
I moved slowly, taking him deep and then sliding him out.
“Your mouth, Bella... Christ…” His fingers gripped my head, holding me to him as he slowly rocked his hips.
I worked him, listening to his moans and grunts, learning what he liked and listening for the telltale signs of impending orgasm. His cock thickened and grew more rigid with each stroke.
“I’m so close…”
With one hand, I cupped his balls, gently massaging them, while with the other, I gripped him, holding him tightly as I stroked him, and used my tongue along the rim of his cock.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck… more... faster.... shit, I’m going to come.”
I sucked him deep into my mouth until he hit the back of my throat.
He cried out and his hips bucked as warm liquid filled my mouth.
“Yes…. yes…” He rocked back and forth, fucking my mouth, filling it with his cum. I did my best to take it all, but by the time he finished, it was dripping down my chin.
When I pulled back, I wiped my chin as I looked up at him. His eyes were closed and he was taking in heaving breaths. His eyes popped open. In the next instant, he gripped my arms and hauled me up. He kissed me, hard. He had to taste himself on me and I wondered if that was the goal.
Finally he sagged back against his desk. “That was fucking awesome.”
I smiled, feeling very pleased with myself. “I’m glad.”
“You know this makes me want to take a turn.” He pulled me to him again.
“I had a turn in the elevator.”
“And now you get another one,” he said as he turned me and lay me back on his desk. We each had another turn, which made him ten minutes late for his call.
After that, there was a slight shift in our relationship, such as it was. The emotional aspect didn’t change, at least for him. But the awkwardness was gone. We could come together, two bodies seeking pleasure. Which wasn’t to say things were perfect. I could still see his struggle to reconcile his feelings for his dead wife. But when we focused only on the physical nature of our relationship, we were in sync.
For the next five weeks, we fell into a routine that involved work and sex. Sometimes, I wondered what I was doing, especially during Blake’s more tender moments toward me. At least once a week, we did something to honor my mother or his wife. He asked me to go with him and Lily to the children’s festival at the French embassy. That had been difficult for me because seeing him in daddy mode and spending time with the two of them made my heart fill with such a yearning to be a part of their family. That, of course, led me to chastise myself and try to rein in my feelings because they’d only lead me to pain when he finally had enough of me.
There were also times when he was touching me that it felt like more than just physical pleasure. In those moment I thought maybe we weren’t having sex, but we were making love. In those moments, I had to remind myself what I’d agreed to because while he could be sweet and tender, he gave no indication that he cared about me or that he was inclined to change his mind about us.
In fact, he still occasionally expressed guilt about enjoying life without his wife. The last time was when Lily was invited to a mother-daughter tea by another family in the building. Patsy couldn’t go, so I offered to take her. His “no” was immediate and he warned me that I wasn’t Lily’s mother and shouldn’t get those notions in my head.
Shocked, I backed off. Later he apologized and indicated it was just part of his guilt and grief about his wife and worry that Lily would forget about her mother. I accepted his apology and made a note to not offer any help with Lily. Sure, if he asked, I’d consider it, but I wouldn’t suggest it.
The other clear sign that I’d never be more to him was the fact that most of our sexual encounters took place at the office or my place. Never at his place, even when Lily was away over a weekend with her grandparents. In fact, he’d only ever spent the night with me once. When he woke the next morning, he was kind, but I could see it bothered him. He left right after he got dressed. He didn’t even stop to have a cup of coffee. He never said why he needed to leave so quickly, but I suspected that also had to do with his wife.
It had me rethinking the whole situation because even if he decided he could love again, I felt certain Joanna would always be there. While I’d never expected him to forget his wife, I also thought she’d remain such a big part of him it would be like having a third person in the relationship. Just like now. I had to accept that as his mistress, but I’d never be able to deal with having her between us if the relationship grew.
I was thinking about this on the day I stayed home with a small bout of the flu. Being away from the office for a day, gave me time to think. Being alone while sick also made me wonder that maybe if I was with someone else, he would be here to take care of me. Certainly, I could take care of myself, but I was never as lonely as when I was ill. Memories of my mother taking care of me would always come and make me sad. It would also remind me that I had no one special in my life. Not a mother. Not a boyfriend. Not even close friends.
By the end of the day, I was feeling better and decided I needed to make a change in my life. I wasn’t ready to let Blake go, but I knew I needed to meet new people and do things. I needed to live, but not through Blake taking me places. I needed to live for me. Finding out what I enjoyed in life.
On Tuesday morning, I felt nauseous again, but I didn’t have a temperature and after a shower I felt well enough to go to work. When I overheard Dana talking about going out after work with some of the other secretaries I asked her if I could join them.
“Sure thing. If I’d known you wanted to go out on the town, I would have invited you sooner. I always thought you were more of a homebody.”
“I am… I was, but I’m trying to make a change.” I was grateful she was willing to include me and happy that she seemed pleased to have me join.
When Blake called me to his office at the end of the day, I told him about my plans to go out.
“I didn’t know you went out with the ladies,” he said.
“It’s a new thing. I’m trying to get out there. Live a little.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.” I waited for him to make a move, but he simply kissed me on the forehead. “Have fun.”
I frowned. Was he rethinking this thing with us too? Not that I thought he’d pressure me to stay and have sex, but he didn’t seem disappointed that I wasn’t going to spend time with him either.
I would go mad trying to figure him out.
The evening with the ladies was loud but fun. I learned all sorts of gossip about who was sleeping with whom, including Dylan and one of the accountants. Fortunately, there didn’t seem to be any rumors about me and Blake. They seemed like a group of ladies who would ask about it if there was.
The next morning, I woke and wanted to hide under the covers, that is until I needed to empty my stomach. I had drunk only a little. Maybe two glasses of wine. That wasn’t enough for a hangover. Clearly, I hadn’t recovered enough
to go out. Still feeling unwell, but not nauseous anymore, I dragged myself to work. I had to be there for Blake’s presentation to the board about the France deal. If all went well, it would be signed and sealed next week.
I arrived at work and set out to get the conference room ready. I checked with Dana to make sure the coffee, fruit and Danish order was on its way. Then I went through the presentation papers, slides and reports to make sure all was in order for Blake.
Blake walked in, as he usually did, twenty minutes early. He liked to review everything one last time in the room.
He frowned when he saw me. “Did you overdo it last night?”
“That bad, huh?” I pressed a hand to my forehead.
“Just a little paler than usual.”
“The thing is, I didn’t drink that much. I think I’m just not fully recovered from the flu yet.”
He traced a finger along my cheek. “Do you need to go home?”
Moments like this, when he was being tender and caring, were when my heart was the most vulnerable. He will never love you, ran like a mantra through my head. “No. I’ll be fine. Plus, today is important.” I then showed him the reports the board would be getting, the notes I made for him, and the slideshow I set up.
By then, the rest of the board had arrived and sat around the table, with Blake at the head. I sat along the back wall behind Blake so I could hand him any supplemental materials he might need. Dana sat next to me taking notes.
The meeting progressed just as I’d planned. The board appeared pleased by the progress, especially at the financial projections for sales in France.
At one point, Blake asked me for the report that provided more details about the cost projections. I stood to hand him the report but before I was completely upright, the world tilted on its axis and then went dark.
I opened my eyes and stared into the gray eyes of the man I was hopelessly in love with. For a moment, I wondered if I’d died and gone to heaven. Blake Alexander was the man of my dreams and if heaven were a perfect place when I died, I’d be in his arms, with him loving me for eternity.
“I’ve called 9-1-1.” A voice informed Blake. I looked around and saw other faces, then it came to me. I wasn’t in heaven. I was in the boardroom of JoXander Cosmetics. I was laying on the floor although I wasn’t sure why. One minute I was upright, having just stood to bring a report to Blake, the CEO of JoXander and in the next, everything went black. Clearly, this wasn’t heaven and the concern I saw in Blake’s eyes wasn’t love or devotion.
Unrequited love was torturous. Sure, he cared for me. There must be some affection because I don’t think he’d touch me the way he did if he didn’t like me a little. But he didn’t love me. He would never love me. No, everything he had to give a woman had all been taken by his deceased wife.
My heart broke for him to have a love like he had with his wife taken away by cancer. At the same time, I was jealous of the woman who owned his heart and soul, even in death. Not meanly, my envy was tempered by my admiration for a man who could love so deeply and stay so devoted to his wife’s memory.
“Bella.” Blake’s deep voice reverberated in my chest, reminding me of the emptiness I felt even as I loved him. “Are you in pain?”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.” I moved to get up, but he wouldn’t let me.
“Just stay down. We’ve called for an ambulance.”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital.” I was mortified to be laying on the boardroom floor with all the important company execs staring down at me. I was an executive assistant, and my job was crucial to Blake’s success. But most of the board thought of me as a glorified secretary.
“Too bad.” He inhaled deeply, and for a moment, I thought I saw emotion in his eyes. But maybe it was my imagination or wishful thinking because I blinked and it was gone.
A few minutes later, paramedics came in and poked and prodded me while asking questions. Had I eaten? Did I have a head injury? On and on. They seemed to think I’d simply fainted, but Blake insisted they take me to the hospital.
“Bl—Mr. Alexander, really, I’m okay. I just need to rest.” I tried again to have him let me go home to regain my dignity.
Blake’s intense gaze told me I had no choice.
“It’s best to be sure,” Dana Gleason, Blake’s actual secretary said to me. “You’re too young to be passing out.” She turned to Blake. “I can go with her to the hospital, Mr. Alexander.”
I looked to him, wondering what he’d do.
He shook his head. “She’s on my time, I’ll go with her. Check with the other interns to see if they’re all right. Maybe she ate something with the others and they could be at risk too.”
“You can’t ride in the ambulance, but you can meet us at the hospital.” The EMS guy gave Blake the hospital name.
“Anything she needs, take care of it,” Blake said.
I still thought it was overkill to take me to the hospital, but I didn’t have the mental will to fight or the physical strength to get up and walk out on my own. So I let them strap me to a gurney and wheel me through the executive office to the elevator, and then out onto the street where they put me in the ambulance.
I zoned out until I was in some sort of triage area at the hospital with nurses taking over the poking, prodding, and questioning routine. They took blood and urine and then told me to wait.
It seemed like forever before a nurse came in. “Ms. Hanson, do you want us to send your father back?”
“Father?” Why would my dad be here? How would they know him? I didn’t even know him.
“He’s out in the waiting area.”
Oh, God. “That’s not my dad. That’s my boss.” I hoped they hadn’t asked him if I was his daughter. That would be a disaster.
“Do you have family we can call?”
“Am I dying?” Suddenly, I was afraid and wished my mother was still alive.
“No honey.” The nurse moved to stand closer to my bed. “It can be scary to be at the hospital so if there’s family we can call—”
“I don’t have a family.”
She gave me that expression most people did when they learned I didn’t have a family. A mixture of pity and uncertainty of how to respond. “Well, that will be changing.”
“What do you mean?” Maybe I hit my head because I couldn’t make sense of what she was saying.
“Honey, you’re pregnant.”
My breath caught in my throat. “What?”
“Pregnant. It’s not that uncommon to faint during early pregnancy, especially if you stand up quickly.”
I finally took a breath and another and another until I was nearly hyperventilating.
The nurse frowned. “Ms. Hanson.” She said my name harshly and caused me to jerk. “Take a slow, deep breath.”
I did as she said, once and then twice and again until my breathing was normal, even as my heart thundered in my chest.
“I take it this isn’t planned?” she said.
I shook my head. How did this happen? Well, I knew how it happened. And I knew when. We’d used birth control every time except once. The first time. The old wives tale that you can’t get pregnant the first time wasn’t true. I’d just proven that. I’d also proved that no time in your cycle was safe.
I felt like an idiot. I was a smart woman. A smart woman who let love and lust get the best of her. Now I was pregnant by a man who didn’t love me and never would.
I swallowed as the magnitude of my predicament set in. From this moment on, my life was going to change.
“Do you want to see your boss?” the nurse asked with an expression that suggested she knew he wasn’t just my boss.
I had to tell him. He’d probably hyperventilate too. Then self-flagellate for betraying his wife. He was the type of man who’d make sure the baby was financially cared for, but that wasn’t the life I’d wanted for myself or my child. I understood that fairy tales weren’t real, but I knew true love existe
d. That’s what I wanted. My problem was that I loved a man who couldn’t return my love.
A wave of despair rushed through me, and I started to cry. Oh God, what was I going to do now?
The nurse looked at me with pity. “Do you want me to get a social worker? She can help you sort through your feelings. And there are options. Adoption for example.”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t need options.” What I needed was a plan. And strength. There was nothing like a positive pregnancy test to bring focus to what I wanted and what I was willing and not willing to settle for. “I would like to see my boss.”
16
Blake
What the hell was taking so long? I paced in the emergency room waiting area, wondering what was wrong with Bella. The image of her swaying, then her eyes rolling back as she fell played on repeat in my head. Luckily, I was close enough to her to catch her before she hit the ground. The few minutes she was unconscious were some of the longest in my life. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from turning to Joanna and when we’d learned her cancer was back and terminal. Jesus, did Bella have cancer or something else seriously wrong with her? What the hell sort of God would put two women in my life just to have me lose them?
“Sir? You’re here with Ms. Hanson?”
I whirled around at the voice of a nurse. “Yes, is she okay?”
“Yes, she’s fine. She’s asking for you. I’ll show you in to her.”
I followed the nurse through double doors to a triage area. The nurse pulled back a set of curtains and I could see Bella sitting in bed, still pale but awake. But I could tell something was wrong. Her eyes were red and puffy. In my experience, that meant she’d been crying. Shit. Was she sick after all?
“Bella, are you all right?” I rushed to her side, taking her hand as the nurse closed the curtain around us again.
She swallowed as she nodded. “I’m not sick.”
That was good. So why the tears? “You look upset.”
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