by Karla Luna
I looked down and played with my hands.
That was true.
But hell! Why would I give a fuck what people think?
Zavier clenched his jaw once again and then turned to look straight at me. “You know, when I met you, I couldn’t help but think ‘Wow… look at her. She’s so badass.’” That actually made my lips curve a little at the corners. “Of course I never admitted it, not even to myself. But I also thought, why would this girl like some nerdy boy like myself? Who hangs out in his room all day trying to figure out Math equations, read comic books, and has absolutely no experience with the girls. Seriously. None.
“But you taught me. I was really glad to find someone who didn’t think any of those things were stupid. Sure, dorky, but… you were also honest with me and you taught me to be more confident. But you should know something.” He paused to take deep breaths. I stood up when I noticed him put his arms around himself to stop from shaking. He got teary-eyed, started to breathe harder than usual and was coughing.
He was having a panic attack.
“Oh my god,” I said to myself as I quickly ran to him. I felt dizzy and I was glad I wasn’t as drunk as I probably was earlier.
I put my hands on Zavier’s shaky shoulders and tried to get him to look at me. “Hey, hey.” I grabbed his face but he seriously wouldn’t budge. He just kept his head down as his lips curled. “Zavier, please… please breathe.”
“I think I need to…” He coughed and inhaled deeply. “I need to… I… I need you.” At that, more tears flowed down as he hugged himself even tighter.
My eyebrows were furrowed with worry and I felt like crying myself. But all I did was hug him to me and kissed his head, smoothing down his hair as he cried on my shoulder.
Dammit. I just wanted him to be okay. He was going to be okay, and I was going to make sure of that.
“And I’m right here,” I whispered, clearing my throat and looking up to stop my own tears from flowing down. I sniffed and talked louder, making sure my voice didn’t sound as broken as his was. “I’m not leaving, okay? You understand? I’m always here for you. I’ll always be here for you, Zavier. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“You’re with… h-him.” His voice honestly broke my heart. He was referring to Davne, and even thinking about him made me angry. I wanted to hurt him bad, for making me hurt Zavier this way.
“Who gives a fuck about him,” I said, tightly clenching my fists.
“I just…” Zavier breathed out and sobbed some more against my shoulder. “I can’t. I… I love you.”
My heart completely stopped right then and there as he said those three special words to me. It’s like those times, where everything just freezes and it’s just the two of us. I didn’t hear anything but his heartbeat and his cries. I didn’t feel anything but his warm body against mine.
And I didn’t feel any other emotion, except the love I had for him.
And he… he said he loves me. He actually…
No… no, no, no, he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He can’t! Why would he even…
“Zavier, I…” I was completely cut off when he stopped hugging himself and then brought his arms around my waist to pull me to him.
“D-Don’t. Don’t say anything,” he breathed out again, still trying to calm himself down. “E-every time… I just, I think about going over to you… a-and kissing you. And, holding you… all night.” That’s when he tightened his arms around me, making me gasp. I could still breathe, he wasn’t holding on that tight. I felt like crying so badly though.
Yes, I wanted to talk to him about what’s been happening. I just didn’t think we’d end up being… here.
“Then do it, teddy bear,” I whispered to him, and I could’ve sworn I felt him tense up yet relieved at the same time. I hope he didn’t think I’d leave him, even after this happened.
This was a huge confession. And I felt just the same way.
He had nothing to worry about, at all. I was here for him, and he was here for me.
My thoughts were interrupted when suddenly, Zavier brought his head up, cupped my cheeks in his hands, and brought his lips roughly yet passionately to mine.
I didn’t move at all at first. I had no idea what else to do. I was still in complete shock from what he had told me. I wanted him to kiss me. I just didn’t think he’d be bold enough to actually do it.
But he did. And I managed to bring my hands up to tug on his soft, dark hair to kiss him back. His lips were sweet, yet I felt some of his salty tears. But I didn’t care. I just knew I wanted to keep on kissing him and have him in my arms always.
I just wanted to be with him and have no one bother us at all.
So we kept on kissing, and slowly made our way to the bed again… where we stopped kissing and just looked at each other.
He was still breathing hard, but so was I. His panic attack stopped right away and so did his tears, which made me sigh in relief because just seeing him tear up was breaking my heart. Never in my life did I want to see him like that again.
He was just so broken and frightened. And I hated it more than anything. So I wanted to hold him the rest of the night just to reassure him that everything was going to be okay. And to tell him that we were going to be okay if we just stayed together and ignored everyone and everything else.
But instead, he grabbed me and held me close to his heated body, kissing the very top of my head and playing with my hair with one hand, and holding my hand with his other.
All of this felt so nice and comforting. I, we, had nothing to worry about at that moment and I loved it. I loved being with him. I loved the way he was. And I…
I was drifting off to sleep but I remembered something. I wanted to tell him part of the reason why I had been wanting to talk to him. My voice was barely a soft whisper, but I knew he heard me when I said, “I... did it to protect you,”… right before falling asleep in his arms.
38: The Back-Up Plan
• Evelyn •
I turned to the side and blinked a few times before fully opening my eyes, adjusting to the sunlight coming in through my window. It was way too bright for me so I decided to keep my eyes closed, when I heard a slight creaking of the floor. Someone was in my room, coming closer to the bed, yet trying to be as quiet as they possibly could so I wouldn’t notice them.
“Don’t even think about it, dipshit,” I grumbled, already seeing Darrel’s pout as he slowly walked out of the room. That’s when I laughed to myself. Really, he thought he could just sneak into my room, spray my hand with whipped cream, and then tickle my nose with a feather to get me to slap my face with it?
Psh! Seriously, who falls for that nowadays?
“Really, Darrel? Again!?” I heard Ian yell. “Can’t believe I always fall for that!”
Okay… I guess Ian was an exception. Usually when Darrel did it, I would scratch my face with my clean hand and slap the whipped cream to his face. It would make him pout for a very long time and it was just adorable.
He was such a kid. It was a good cover up for a bad boy. But he’s more childish than bad, to be honest.
“How does Evelyn always know? Does she have a motion sensor? Seriously!”
I smirked at that and decided to take my blanket off, feeling the cool air on my bare arms and legs. I stretched for a bit and was just about to get up, when there was a slight knock on my door.
If it were Ian or Darrel, they would’ve walked straight in no matter what. And Stormy, like most times, had a late night, which meant she was still asleep – so there was no doubt that this was Zavier. That boy, always using his manners.
“Come in,” I said, putting my legs back on my bed as I watched the door open.
Zavier walked in with his hair a cute mess, wearing a red V-neck with red and black checked pajama bottoms. He was holding a tray in his hands.
My heartbeat quickened and I cleared my throat as he gave me a warm smile.
“Hi, Zavier…”
H
e smiled at me again, but seemed pretty nervous as he put the tray down on my desk and shyly scratched the back of his neck. “Oh, hey! Good morning. I um… I thought you’d have a hangover or whatever, so I sort of just… well, I just, I woke up early and just did this. T-this being the food. I know how much you love food. I mean, really, who doesn’t. This is America, we’re a bunch of fat-asses… I mean, sorry I didn’t mean that. I just… just eat it please. I apologize if it’s horrible.” After saying that, he just huffed and looked away to avoid any eye contact with me.
All I did was smile at his cuteness and look at the breakfast tray. He really was the sweetest. “You didn’t have to do that,” I said, “my hangover’s fine. Not really as bad as I thought it would be, actually – which is a miracle.”
He nodded once, smiling yet again as he grabbed the tray and slowly brought it over to me. “Then here, I hope this still helps somehow.” He put the tray on my lap and was just about to leave, when I spoke up.
“Can you come over here, please?” I asked, making him gulp.
But he obeyed and came closer to me.
“Closer. I’m just gonna tell you something very quickly.”
“Oh, um… alright.” He licked his lips and moved closer, so that his ear was right by my lips.
Instead of telling him something though, I gave him a long kiss on the cheek – whispering a ‘Thank you, teddy bear.’ before I let him go.
His ears were pink now. And the color was crawling up to his cheeks, but he just laughed. “Just trying to be nice.”
“And that’s the real Zavier Coin.”
He smiled but then frowned as he put his hands in his pockets. “Do you um…” he then paused.
I looked up at him with raised eyebrows, some bacon hanging from my mouth.
“… remember… what happened?”
I let the bacon fall from my lips as I was chewing what was in my mouth. “What happened last night? Did I beat someone’s ass? I haven’t done that in a little while.” That’s when he froze up completely, but I just chuckled and looked down. “I’m kidding. It’s a bit hazy but I… luckily, I remember the best part of last night.” He slightly blushed again and I noticed the corners of his lips starting to tilt up into another beautiful smile.
But before the whole smile could fully take form, he frowned again and looked down at his hands. “Do you remember why you were… with Davne?”
I chewed on my lip, not caring about the subject of Davne.
“Oh, well…” I couldn’t say anything. I knew I’d have to explain everything but… where to even fucking start?
Your archenemy forced me to be his booty call. We didn’t have sex though, but I’m sure it seemed like we did. The asshole and I made a deal that he’d leave you alone if I just agree to be with him in secret, so that’s why I lied to you a lot about sneaking out. Oh, but only to protect you. Does that sound right? It sounds bad doesn’t it, Zavier? You hate me now… of course you do.
Fuck!
“Evelyn,” I shook my head to clear away my thoughts and looked back at Zavier’s worried and concerned expression, “you said you did it to protect me. And before, you said you were doing it to protect me, too, and, well… I want to hear the whole situation, if you don’t mind. Please!”
I took a deep breath and put my hands over my face. Then, I put the tray back on my desk. I loved the food, yes. But I needed to explain this now – with no interruptions at all. “I’m um… all right. Long story, come sit over here, please.”
He obeyed, and I told him then. Explaining everything about the situation, including the times when I sneaked out. I hated telling him about the kissing and stuff, because the look on his face was just downright heartbreaking. But I also saw him clench his jaw in, what seemed to me to be, anger. So I brought my hand up to his cheek and kissed his other one to at least calm him down a little.
I didn’t tell him though that Stormy practically asked me to help keep Davne away from him. She thought I was just talking with him at school or something. Well, I really couldn’t tell anyone about the deal I made with that asshole – not even her. No matter how much I actually wanted to.
After I was done, my lips were set in a hard line and I watched as Zavier breathed heavily and then stood up from the bed. His back was facing me, and he was gripping on to his hair rather tightly.
When he turned, I saw how his once brown eyes look much darker than before. This whole time, he kept his right hand hidden, and yesterday I paid no attention when I was with him. But now that he had actually put his fist up to his mouth, I saw the redness over his knuckles. There was dry blood on it! I got up, walked over to him, and grabbed his hand, lightly touching his bruised knuckles. But he pulled away with a slight hiss.
“Zavier…”
“You should report this to the police, Evelyn. I can’t… who the…” He growled and turned around, trying to calm down his breathing. Then, after a few seconds, he turned back to face me. “He can’t just treat a girl like that, especially you.”
I stayed quiet and shrugged to myself as if it weren’t even a big deal.
“I may make it seem like I’m so tough but I’m actually not. If there’s one thing I’m deeply scared of, it’s guys like him hurting the people I care about. And yes, the police have been on my mind, you know. But I’ve also done bad things they probably know of. And being Davne, he’s probably already dozens of steps ahead of me. I mean, that’s how Drake was. The bad boys always have their backup plans.”
“He’s a freakin psychopath, they’d believe you either way! He’s already murdered people before, at the age of 12! Don’t you think that’s seriously messed up!? He’s… fucking crazy and he needs to be thrown in jail for good. Six years clearly wasn’t enough for that prick.”
“Zavier, Zavier,” I said in a soft tone as I went over to him and grabbed his cheeks. He was shaking and trying so hard to avoid eye contact, but I just kept his face right in front of mine and pressed our foreheads together. I then closed my eyes. “It’s okay… I did all of this for you. Just remember that. It was to keep you safe because you mean that much to me. Okay?” I opened my eyes again and saw him looking at me with knitted eyebrows. “I’m telling him it’s over. He can hurt me, I don’t care… as long as he doesn’t hurt you.”
“No!”
“Zavier, I’m doing it…”
“Evelyn, no! You are not doing that. It’s all right. He can hurt me, just as long as he leaves you alone, please.”
I pulled away to take a better look at him. “You said he almost killed you once, I can’t let that happen again! This time you could end up in the hospital or worse.”
He stayed quiet and his lips seemed to quiver. “I actually did end up going to the hospital before.” He pretended to smile but it was so fake that it went away too fast. “I just don’t like talking about it and I tell people not to mention it to anyone, because it was horrible. I couldn’t breathe, I had a ton of broken bones, I lost so much blood, Evelyn… and yet, to this day, I still have no idea why he hates me so much. I-I don’t want him hurting you that much, please. He won't hesitate to do it, too.”
It hurt how his voice was shaking and how it actually broke in the end. Davne coming into our lives was just ruining everything. And now that I know how much he’d hurt Zavier, I wanted to murder him myself. I don’t care if I get into trouble. I’d be fucking happy in my cell knowing my good boy was safe and sound, studying well to be a teacher or something. He’d be away from danger, but…
We’d both be sad to be away from each other.
Why the hell have I not confessed to him myself? He loves me, why couldn’t I just say it then? It’s so simple! I. Love. You. I’ve said it before. But I’ve never felt love as strongly as I do for Zavier. I should just say it, straight out… because that’s how I usually am – straightforward.
Dammit, now I’m turning into a wimp. What the hell?!
“Teddy bear, I…”
“Wait, at least t
ell Ian and Darrel.”
“Please don’t. Do not tell them,” I demanded with a tone that was supposed to sound serious but sort of sounded rushed. I didn’t know what had come over me. They were my best friends. And I didn’t want to tell them what was going on? Well, I actually had a few reasons. But I guess I just didn’t want Davne bringing his own gang and hurting them, either.
“Evelyn, that’s a stupid decision.”
“Those guys are bad, yes. But they could barely survive without Drake. Do you think they’d be able to shake Davne at all if he had some sort of backup with him?”
“Then call him up or something! Just…”
“Zavier, I can’t! I can’t just call him up and tell him to be here! He’d know something is up.”
“The guys would want to help, Evelyn. They’re your best friends. They at least deserve to know.”
I sighed and looked down. He was making this really hard for me but I knew he was right.
“I just can’t tell them,” I said in a soft tone, barely a whisper, that I thought he didn’t hear me. So I raised my voice for the next sentence. “I just don’t want them getting into more trouble. The police catch them, and they’re in jail for good.”
I turned around and sat down on my bed, with Zavier following me to sit down right next to me.
“Records?” he guessed as he touched his bloody knuckles with his fingers.
“Plenty of records. Not very good ones, either.”
There was a long pause and I knew he was itching to ask something. So I let him think until he felt ready to ask. I honestly don’t care what he would ask. I was willing to answer anything for him. “Did you guys ever actually kill people?”
I swallowed a lump in my throat and hesitated before answering. I knew he would hate the answer and I didn’t want him to be more scared of me. He'd just started being comfortable enough to actually fall in love with me. I didn’t want to ruin that. And it was already quite unbelievable that he has. “Yeah… we took some people hostage, but I never really knew anything about that. I actually assumed they got killed or hurt some other way, since Drake always told me not to worry. But most of those people deserved to die. They were the type of criminals that hurt very innocent people, like you. And we hated seeing them hurt others. But as expected, we were the only ones considered to be bad. I mean, we obviously are. But we did most of those things to help good people out, too.”