by T. S. Joyce
“No,” Grim said, his voice breaking on the word. “I didn’t even know you owned the mountains until a few months ago. I don’t know why you would trust someone like me with something like that.”
“Because I know your story. I made it my business to dig into the Tarian Pride after they went after Beast. You didn’t show up for that battle against Kane’s Crew. Why? I think I know the answer, but I want to hear it from you.”
“Because it wasn’t a good fight. It was stretching our Pride too thin on a battle that didn’t mean anything. Plus, fuck Justin. He deserved to die.”
“Try again.”
Grim swallowed hard. Fuckin’ shifters and their ability to sense lies. He sighed, but it tapered into a snarl. He didn’t like answering to anyone. “Because the female who ran from Justin was a girl I grew up with, and I watched him treat her like shit. She deserved a Crew like Kane’s. She deserved to have a mate like Beast. I wasn’t going to be the enforcer for something I didn’t believe in. So while Justin and the council were going to war with Beast, I was packing up my shit and leaving the Tarian Pride. I never wanted to be a killer.”
Vyr’s smile was slow and unsettling. “There it is. The Reaper doesn’t have as much power as you think he does. You just have to learn how to compromise with the monster.”
“Yeah? And how do I do that?”
Vyr shrugged. “Ash’ll do.” He turned to leave, but stopped and turned back. “Oh, and Grim?”
“What?”
“You might want to give me a list of any Tarian Pride members who are worth keeping around.”
Grim’s heart clawed its way into his throat. “Why?”
Vyr’s cold smile lifted the fine hairs on Grim’s body. “Because they went after people I consider friends. I’ll be claiming their mountains next.”
Chapter Ten
“Do you need anything?” Juno asked as Ash removed her apron.
“Like what?”
Juno looked all frowny and worried. And behind her Remi was still hanging out at the table, too. They’d been done with their food hours ago, and Kamp and Rhett had left for the recording studio right after they finished lunch.
“Like to talk? Are you…missing anything in your life?”
“Like what?” she asked again.
Juno shrugged. “I don’t know… Are you lonely?”
Okay, she needed to put a stop to whatever was happening. Ash hung her apron on the hook behind the registers, grabbed her purse and jacket from under the counter, and marched to the table, leaving Juno to trail behind.
She plopped her perfectly cushioned ass on the bench seat across from them and pulled her jacket on. “Look. You have something to say. You are worried about something. Just tell me. You know I like things black and white. I’m not good at guessing, and this is all very…very…”
“Very what?” Remi asked in a soothing tone, arching her delicate eyebrows.
“Very frustrating!”
“Well, I can imagine so. Grim isn’t easy to—”
“I’m not frustrated with Grim. You two are acting so weird.”
“Not weird,” Juno argued. “Protective.”
“Really? Because when you told me about Rhett, I supported you right away. And when you told me about Kamp,” she said, jamming a finger at Remi, “what did I say immediately? Without even waiting a second, what did I say?”
“That you were happy for me.”
Ash huffed a breath and then plopped her chin onto her folded arms on the table. “Then you owe me. Be happy for me.”
Juno scrubbed her hands down her face and growled. “It’s not that easy, Ash. You’re…you’re…and Grim is…well he’s…”
“Just say it.”
“You’re too good for him.”
Ash shook her head, digging her chin into her wrist. “You never just say what you mean with me. And it used to be okay because I just wanted you to keep liking me. And so I was quiet when something bothered me.”
“Oh my gosh,” Remi said in a small voice. “Like what things? What things weren’t okay?”
“The way you talk for me sometimes. Like when we are out and someone pays attention to me, you talk for me. I used to like it because it meant I didn’t have to talk or try to be smart to other people, but right now, I don’t like it. You both moved away, but I’m still here, and I…changed. I don’t need you to talk for me anymore, but you still do it when you come back home.”
Both of her friends were quiet and exchanged a glance that said something big, but one she didn’t understand.
“I know I’m simple,” she murmured. “I know it. I know I’m submissive. I barely graduated high school because stuff is so confusing. But I do know how to talk. For myself. And I know the things I want.”
“What things?” Remi asked quietly.
Grim. “A mate someday. If you block me from anything real, I’ll never find it.”
“You think Grim is real?”
Ash shrugged. “He feels different.”
“But…he’s, well…” Remi said, struggling. “He’s bad, Ash.”
“Only half-bad, same as everyone else. I got bad in me. I got hungry at lunch and wanted to steal a sandwich before I even paid for it. Bad. You drank whiskey before you were even eighteen, and me and Juno had to hold your hair back while you got sick in the men’s bathroom because the women’s bathroom was all full and that was a gross night. Bad. Juno, you got all wrapped in your career like duct tape and stopped visiting your parents for a long time and they got sad. Bad. You both left me.” Ash’s eyes filled suddenly with tears and her lip trembled, so she buried her face in her arms to hide her crying. Her voice broke on the word, “Bad.”
“Aw, shhhhit,” Remi muttered.
Ash was going to get it all out, all the poison in her mind, because if she didn’t do it now, she never would. She couldn’t look up at them, though, or she would turn chicken-bear, so she just talked into her arms instead. “You both went and got big lives and you stopped calling me and you stopped telling me your inside jokes and you left me behind. I still existed while you were away. I waited. I was happy for you both, but I waited because I wanted things to go back to when it was just the three of us running around here. But you left, and it made me be more independent. And then right when I was getting used to being more independent, you come back and speak for me again.”
“You really like Grim?” Remi asked.
“Yes. And I can tell he likes me, too.”
“How?”
“Because his good lion watches me.”
“Wait, what?” Juno asked.
Ash sniffed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She probably had mascara smeared everywhere now, but she didn’t care. “The green-eyed one. He comes out for me.”
“Grim doesn’t have green eyes,” Remi whispered. “He has brown eyes and he has gold eyes.”
“The good part of Grim does have green eyes,” Ash assured them. “You just haven’t seen them. I do.”
Now Juno and Remi looked as confused as Ash always felt. “Huh,” Juno puffed out on a breath.
“And look.” Ash pulled out her phone and showed them the first picture that popped up in her Grim the Hottie album. It was the one where he was chopping wood. “He did this without me even asking him to. When we were hanging out at the firepit last night, we ran out of wood, so he got up early before I took him back to town and chopped more wood. I snuck this picture.”
Juno and Remi stared at the picture with eyes that were round as pepperonis.
“Okay,” Remi said.
“Okay?” Juno asked her.
Remi nodded and looked back at Ash, then gave another nod. “Yeah. If Grim hurts her, we’ll just kill him.”
“Yeah. Okay, we’ll just kill our Alpha, no big deal,” Juno said.
“Then it’s settled,” Ash said. “No more speaking for me, okay?”
“Deal,” said Juno.
Remi’s lips curved into a smile.
“What?” Ash asked.
“Well…I’m just so proud of you.”
“Me, too,” Juno said. “This is a side of you we haven’t seen before. Good for you, Ash. You should go get the life you want. And we shouldn’t be standing in the way of anything. That’s not what friends do.”
“And we are friends,” Ash said with a nod. She wiped her damp cheeks. “Best friends. Things are different, but we are still best friends. You will always be my best friends.”
Juno and Remi reached for her hand at the same time and clutched it hard.
Remi’s eyes were leaking. “Yeah.”
“Always,” murmured Juno.
Chapter Eleven
She was definitely being stood up.
Ash wrung her hands again to warm them and blew out a long, frozen breath. It was really cold sitting out here on the front porch. She loved stormy days and gray clouds and usually she didn’t get cold easy, but she was nervous, and that wasn’t helping.
She’d dressed in layers, her purple sweater, leggings, snow boots, a jacket, and a scarf that was the same shade of blue as her hair. She’d done her make-up like those internet videos she’d watched after Juno and Remi left Damon’s Mountains and everything got boring. She was pretty good at eyeliner now but not contouring her cheekbones. That was witchcraft and rocket science.
He’d said five o’clock, and she’d been sitting out here for a whole hour. She should probably go inside, heat up a TV dinner, watch a movie, and try to forget about how much her chest was hurting right now.
Boys did that when they threw girls away. They hurt them in their chests. She’d wanted Grim to be different, though.
“Goodnight, Wanda,” she muttered to her ancient charcoal-gray Dodge Ram pickup. Her dad had given her his old truck for her sixteenth birthday, and they still fixed it together when it broke down. She would never get rid of it because she and Dad had put so much love into keeping the old girl running.
Sad down to her bone marrow, Ash stood and made her way across the creaking front porch to her front door. But right as she reached for the handle, the soft hum of a car engine sounded.
And just like that, the hole in her chest filled with hope.
The sound got closer and closer. She lived out in the middle of nowhere, so it had to be him. She arranged her face to be mad because he was very late and shouldn’t be greeted with a smile when he did something wrong.
He parked right in front of the house in the SUV rental and shoved open the door. “I know I’m late. I’m so sorry.”
“Why?”
Grim was wearing the same black T-shirt that clung to his powerful shoulders, the sleeves of his blue flannel were rolled up to his elbows. The gray beanie was pulled low on his forehead, and his skin was paler than she remembered. The black tattoos on his neck looked so dark next to his white skin. His eyes were hollow, and he looked unwell.
But all he said in answer was, “There’s no excuse good enough to make up for being an hour late, Ash. Light me up.”
Like a glowstick? “I don’t know what that means.”
“You can yell at me.”
“Did you Change?”
He ducked his gaze, and that was answer enough.
“Into the Reaper?”
He nodded slightly.
“Well…I suppose that’s okay then. You aren’t easy, are you? This is one of those times when I have to decide if I accept the bad part or leave, right?”
Grim inhaled deeply. “Yeah. You’ll have a lot of those moments with me. And if you leave, I’ll understand. It’s okay.”
She canted her head and studied him. In his hand was clutched a small paper bag. “Did you bring me a present?”
He huffed a relieved-sounding chuckle and closed the distance between them. He handed her the bag.
“I really love presents,” she whispered, giving up on trying to hide her smile. “And I missed you and thought you didn’t want to see me anymore. I really wanted to go to a movie tonight.” She opened the paper bag and gasped at the present inside. It was a tiny flower pot, no bigger than a golf ball. On the packaging was a picture of miniature pink roses.
“It has everything you need to start growing the roses in that tiny pot. When they get big enough, you can transplant them into the yard. And I’ll kill anyone who rips them up.”
“Ooooh,” she said on a breath, holding the tiny pot and crinkling paper bag to her chest. “This is my favorite present.”
He searched her face with an awed look she didn’t understand.
“What?” she asked, worried.
“You just look so pretty when you smile like that. Your cheeks go all pink. I think they turn pink when you’re happy.”
Wow. No one had ever looked that closely at her. Now her cheeks were probably getting even pinker. “I like being happy,” she whispered.
“I know. I can tell. It’s just…well, I’m not usually the one that makes anyone happy.”
“Well, you do that for me,” she said with a nod. “I’m going to grow pretty roses and cut off the thorns and send some to your grandma.”
Grim wasn’t even growling right now. That was new. He was just smiling. He pulled her in for a warm hug that smushed her boobs against his stony chest and made her feel all fluttery inside.
Boys could make a girl’s chest hurt, sure. But they could also fill them up with butterflies, and butterflies were her favorite bug.
Grim swallowed hard. “You asked if it hurt.”
“The Good and The Bad?”
“Yeah.” Grim held her closer and swayed with her. “Yes, it hurts.”
“All the time?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, Grim.” She rested her cheek against his chest and scratched his back gently as they rocked. “If I could take it away for a little while, I would.”
“Really?”
“Of course. It must be very hard to stay steady when you get pulled like that. Tug of war for you all the time. In my head, I get mad at my bear when she is too submissive. I wish she was different sometimes. And you have two different ones.” She looked up into his face and touched his beard lightly. “You are very strong, Grim.”
He chuckled darkly and shook his head. “Wrong,” he said, using her word from last night at the bar. “Why would you think that, woman? I want to kill everything. I want to fight everything. I can’t stand the man I am. I can’t stand the animal I am. I can’t stop my Changes, I can’t do my job, and I can’t be an Alpha for my Crew. I can’t keep you. I know I can’t. And I want to. It’s the first thing I’ve really wanted in I-don’t-even-know-how-long. And it makes me angry. Makes me pissed I can’t have one thing I want.”
“But you can.”
“Ash, you’re breakable. It’s not your job to fix a monster. You’ll lose some of the things I like about you. You’ll have to accept things when you deserve better. And you’ll compromise over and over until you realize how unfair it is that I picked you. I like you a lot. I like you enough to know you deserve much better than where I’m headed.”
Ash huffed a breath and tugged his beard. “Are you done tryin’ to leave?”
He froze, looking utterly stunned that his beard had been accosted, but so what? He was being ridiculous.
“This is a boring talk,” she assured him. “Doesn’t change anything. I still want to be around you tonight. And probably tomorrow night. And probably the next night until your Crew makes you go back to your mountains. And then I’ll be very sad and wait to see if you message my bangaboarlander page. I’ll imagine what your life is like there and make ten-ten wishes that you find happy moments. Because you deserve them.”
Grim shook his head, back and forth, back and forth, but she pressed her fingertips tighter against his cheeks to keep him in place.
“You don’t see me right,” he whispered.
“Maybe it’s everyone else who doesn’t see you right.”
He swallowed hard and moved away from her. He angled his face at the
SUV in her driveway. “Come on, Good Girl. You’re shivering, and there are butt-warmers in the truck. I don’t like when you’re cold.”
As she walked beside him, she slipped her hand into his because she was figuring him out. He wasn’t as worried about her being cold as he was about her words. She was breaking him down a little. Why? Because Ash knew no one had been nice to him like this. No one had ever told him he was worth anything more than an enforcer for a bunch of heartless monster lions. But he was so, so, soooo much more. He was still here. Still fighting. Tough man. She respected that way more than a man who’d buckled under the darkness and quit. Who’d given in. Grim wasn’t a quitter. She’d never figured out someone this easily. He was like a book. He had triumphant chapters and scary chapters. Right now, the triumphant chapters were short and the scary ones long. But that was okay because, for once, she was good at reading. For her, every interaction with people was confusing and hard. Every day was the same. But Grim had come in and made sense to her. She felt relieved around him. And she didn’t want him to leave. So…she was going to keep breaking up his scary chapters with the nice words she thought because, no matter how strong a man was, he should hear the good.
Grim squeezed her hand, and when he looked down at her, his eyes were a brilliant green. Hello, The Good. He was telling her thank you for being nice to him. For being understanding. Those green eyes were a reward. She understood his thank you. It was another sentence of his book that she could read.
“What kind of music do you like?” he asked as she buckled herself into the passenger’s seat.