Her Protector

by Rianna Campbell

  She found the whole scene so ordinary, so domestic, and so, so sexy. She pushed aside visions of the two of them sitting side by side working on different things, but together, sharing quick smiles, fleeting touches and teasing kisses. At least she tried. But it was replaced with images of them cooking together in the kitchen, sitting on the couch together watching TV, and going to bed together, snuggled in each other’s arms. A life together.

  She shook her head and went to the dresser in search of clothes. She debated between real clothes, since it was still fairly early, and pajamas. She decided on pajamas since she didn’t want to have to change again later, but then hesitated between comfortable or sexy.

  She opted for comfort since she didn’t know if Connor intended to stay. They hadn’t actually spoken much so far. Either way, she didn’t think he would complain. He seemed to like her in pretty much anything, though lord only knew why.

  She smiled to herself as she dropped the towel and pulled on a pair of plain panties and a plain white t-shirt. She put on a pair of sweatpants and grabbed a pair of socks. She sat on the bed to pull them on and then scooted up to sit next to Connor, being careful not to disturb his papers.

  He looked up and gave her a sheepish smile.

  “I’m a wee bit behind since some siren dragged me away from work early today.”

  “I did no such thing.” She said.

  “Alright, maybe not. But nonetheless, I’ve a bit of work to do. Do you mind?”

  “Not at all.” She smiled. “Beer?”

  “You’re a Goddess.” He replied, giving her a quick kiss.

  She went down stairs and perused the menus. She was starving and she figured Connor would be too. She ordered Chinese food, making sure she got some of all her favorites, and then rejoined Connor, beer in hand.

  She opened her book and tried to read, but her mind kept returning to her confused feelings. She brooded over them, trying to sort out, logically of course, what she thought she should be feeling and then how to reconcile that with what she was feeling. Except she couldn’t really tell what she felt.

  The doorbell rang and Connor jumped up to get it. She stayed put and in a moment he returned with a bag of food. They unpacked and ate there on the bed, sharing sesame chicken and lo mein straight from the container. It felt intimate and casual, as if they’d been together for much longer than just a week.

  Had it really been just a week? That was another thing she couldn’t wrap her mind around. She’d gotten much closer to him, physically and emotionally, in just a week than she’d ever thought possible.

  “You’re quiet.” Connor observed.

  “Eating.” Alexandra replied between bites of pork dumpling. Connor gave her that crooked smile, but there was something in his eyes as he watched her. Anxiety perhaps?

  “I was starving.” She shrugged.

  “Me too. Thanks for thinking of this.”

  “Sure.” She smiled, wiping a bit of sauce from the corner of his mouth with her thumb. He smiled that broad sexy grin that showed his dimple and sucked her thumb into his mouth, licking the sauce away.

  “Cheeky.” She admonished him with a smile. He raised an eyebrow and went back to his Kung Pao chicken. The silence stretched on for a few minutes before he pressed on.

  “Sure you’re alright?” He asked. There was that uncertain look again, and Alexandra couldn’t brush it off. She wanted to reassure him.

  “Absolutely.” She smiled, meaning it. “You’re very sweet, Connor MacLachlan. And very sexy.”

  “Yeah?” He grinned.

  “Like that’s news to you?” She snorted.

  “It’s news that you think I’m sexy. Headline news.” He leaned over and kissed her sweetly. “But you’re thinking awfully hard about something.”

  “I’m just not used to this.” She shrugged.

  “What?”

  “This. Being… close to someone. Physically, emotionally. And before was…”

  “Was?” He grimaced, apparently expecting the worst.

  “Amazing.” She said quickly. “And confusing.” She added.

  “Why?” He asked. He put his container aside and took her hand. So sweet it made her want to cry. She wasn’t sure how to explain. She didn’t want to compare Connor to Lucas in any way, but she didn’t have another way to communicate what she was puzzling over.

  “I told you about… what happened.” She began. He just nodded, waiting patiently for her to continue, his thumb making soothing circles on the back of her hand. “He always tried to control everything and after… I hated the idea of ever letting anyone take control again when it came to intimacy. I never wanted to be that… vulnerable, that helpless, ever again.”

  “But earlier was… amazing. It shouldn’t have been, though. I let you… direct things, and that should have made me uncomfortable. But it didn’t. It was just the opposite, in fact. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it. How I could feel that way when I shouldn’t have.”

  Connor nodded, squeezing her hand.

  “First of all, there are no rules when it comes to how you feel. It usually can’t be helped, and it can’t be forced. As long as you’re being honest with yourself about what you’re feeling, then it just… is. If you enjoyed it, you enjoyed it. I understand why you think you shouldn’t have, but there’s no point in feeling guilty about feeling something that you don’t think you should.” He shook his head. “Am I making any sense?”

  “Yes.” She nodded, frowning. It did make sense.

  “Second. I’m not him, and I hope you know that. I know you know it, but I hope you feel it.”

  “I do.” She said, looking him in the eye so he could see she really meant it. “I’m sure of that much.”

  “Good.” He nodded. He punctuated the sentiment with a quick smooch to her forehead. “Now I’m going to tell you my theory, and if I’m wrong, feel free to tell me to bolt. I think that feckin’ pile of shite made you afraid, but I think he also made you ashamed of having enjoyed a bit of… untraditional sex. You said yourself that you didn’t want your father’s mates and colleagues to know about the video because you didn’t want him to be embarrassed. Same with your sister.”

  “Thing is, lovely girl,” He paused, tilting her chin up to make sure she was looking at him. “There’s naught in that to be ashamed of. Like I said, no should or shouldn’t when it comes to what you feel.”

  She nodded, acknowledging that his words rang true. As much as her subsequent sexual experiences had been carefully controlled, they’d also been decidedly mundane, until Connor. She’d associated anything more adventurous with the shame she felt of ever having allowed Lucas to do them. She realized now, she was ashamed of having trusted him, not of what they’d done.

  The fear still lingered close to the surface, and she wasn’t sure she’d ever want to be restrained, or that she could tolerate it even if she did. It was too large a trigger. But Connor was right, she’d muddled things in her mind to the point where certain acts in themselves caused fear and shame, when really that burden should have been placed squarely on Lucas’s shoulders. Her wants and needs weren’t a source of shame, Lucas’s abuse of them was.

  “Lex?”

  Alexandra looked up at him and realized she’d been in her own world for a few moments.

  “I think you’re right. Actually, I know you are.”

  “But these things take time.” He said knowingly. She was suddenly curious about his demons. She didn’t want to focus on hers anymore. She’d let them rule her life for too long. If Connor could be so patient and understanding while she dealt with her demons, surely she could offer him the same solace. She wanted to, more than she could say.

  “If you’re willing, I’d like to help you reclaim that bit of yourself.” He continued softly.

  She began to panic. Isn’t this what happened every other time? After a while they always wanted to change her. They wanted her to “get over it” and be normal. Was he saying the same thing? As if
sensing her rising panic, Connor took both her hands in his.

  “I’m not going to push, Alexandra. I’m not a Dominant. I’m not looking for a submissive.” He smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “And I meant what I said when I told you that whatever you gave me was a gift I would cherish. I’m more than happy with that. But-- if you want to-- I’ll be here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

  She was overcome with relief and joy and something tender she didn’t want to name yet. She pulled him to her and kissed him sweetly and thoroughly, expressing wordlessly everything she was feeling.

  “Even if I decide I’d like to tie you to the bed and have my way with you?” She asked, trying to reassure him with humor.

  “I would endure that for you, yes.” Connor said. His expression was solemn but his eyes danced with humor.

  “Thank you.” She said. And she meant it. In her experience, men were not as understanding and patient as he had been under similar circumstances.

  “Anything for you.” He smiled, kissing her cheek.

  The rest of the evening passed in companionable quiet as Connor worked on his proposal. All the while, Alexandra sat, a book in her lap, deep in thought .

  ✽✽✽

  Connor slipped from the bed where Alexandra had been sleeping for several hours. It was nearly two in the morning, and Connor had decided he was as prepared as he could be for his meeting tomorrow. He’d tried to sleep, but had found it difficult. He was anxious about this trip to London.

  He was worried about being away from work for so long, though he had faith that his team could handle most things in his absence, but he was also concerned about being solely responsible for Alexandra’s safety. He had promised her when this started that he would keep her safe. He had told her that he wanted to be her world. Well, for two weeks, he would be just that. Everything would fall on him in a way that it hadn’t in years.

  He was afraid. Not of danger, not of risk, but of failing her. Of not being able to do the one thing he wanted-- and needed-- to do most. Protect her. He retrieved his phone from his pants pocket and crept downstairs. He grabbed a water bottle and sat at the kitchen table as the phone rang.

  “Connor.” His father answered. “Jesus, what time is it there? You must be burnin’ the midnight oil, eh lad?”

  “A wee bit.” Connor smiled. “I dinnae wake you, did I?”

  “Nah, you know I’m up with the sun most days. I haven’t heard from you lately. Everythin’ okay?”

  “Aye, Da. Busy with work, but things are good. How’s Mary Fran?”

  “Ach, brilliant. Just brilliant. Dinnae ken how I survived without her for so long.”

  “That's easy. You had me cookin’ and cleanin’ for ye until I left school.”

  “That I did. You weren't half bad, either.”

  “Thanks.”

  “And how’s your sister?” Connor’s father asked. He was a sweet man and Connor had always loved him all the more for taking an interest in Angel, without needing any more reason than that Connor loved her.

  Connor filled him in on all the minute details of his life, as he often did as he had no one else to confide in-- at least he hadn’t until recently. Angel worked so hard to stand on her own, but she had issues with anxiety, and he was the older brother. His job was to help her, not add more stress to her life by worrying her with his own problems.

  His father regaled him with stories from his practice and of his Scottish cousins. He repeated his invitation to spend the Holidays with them, and to bring Angel along, as he did every year. Angel had never been keen to go, and although she’d insisted she wouldn’t mind if he did, he would never leave her alone for Christmas.

  “Well, lad, I had best be gettin’ on wi’ it if I’m goin’ to make it to the office by nine.”

  “You’re not retired yet?” Connor teased him. His father seemed to have no intention of slowing down. His father laughed.

  “Course not. What would I do wi’ myself all day long?”

  “Play golf? Travel?”

  “Aye, and drive Mary Fran to drink, no doubt.”

  “Right. Best keep workin’ then.”

  “Right. Love ye, ye wee rascal.”

  “Love ye, Da.”

  Connor made his way back upstairs quietly and climbed back into bed. Feeling as if he’d eased a bit of his burden, he tugged Alexandra against his chest and buried his face in the crook of her neck, breathing in her honey almond scent, and relaxed into sleep.

  Friday morning came too early, and Connor left a sleepy and very sexy Alexandra with nothing more than a kiss. His meeting went well and the new clients approved of the contributions his team had made to his proposal.

  He spent the afternoon reviewing the vague itinerary Alexandra had provided him for the week leading up to the festivities in London. When asked, she’d given him a list of things she wanted to do but without a timetable.

  He arranged for a car to rent for the duration and someone to drop it off at the airport. Hotel reservations and plane tickets had already been taken care of, so he tied up some loose ends at the office and went home to pack before picking Alexandra up at work.

  He called Angel while he packed to make sure she didn’t need anything before he left and to relay his father’s invitation to spend Christmas with him and his wife. She was working and insisted she would be fine on her own, as he’d expected, and deferred any decision about the Holidays until after he came home. Which meant she would make a show of thinking it over so she wouldn’t look rude when she finally said no.

  Alexandra was waiting for him at the office, standing at the security desk chatting with Archie. Jealousy spiked through him when Archie smiled at her, and he found himself scowling as he approached them.

  Archie gave him a gruff nod in greeting and Connor returned it. Alexandra smiled, and he returned that as well.

  “Ready?”

  “Yup.” Alexandra picked up her briefcase and they waved goodbye to Archie.

  For a moment, Connor wondered if he should compare notes with the man. Sam had found a lot of information about Whitmore from public records, including that he’d been sentenced to five years but only served three years and change. Early release for “good behavior” they called it. As if the right bastard who raped and beat a woman could possibly behave well enough to warrant a reprieve.

  His family was apparently from Detroit, and he’d returned there upon release.

  Sam was still trying to track down his employment history since he was released five years ago, as well as a recent address. It was slow going, especially using strictly legal means, but if anyone could do it, it was Sam.

  He didn’t want to withhold any information that Archie needed to do the job, but he also didn’t want to share Alexandra’s story with anyone unless it was strictly necessary. It wasn’t his story to tell and he didn’t want to betray her trust if he could help it. Besides, it was likely that if Mr. Hughes had given him Lucas Whitmore’s name, he would have given it to Archie as well.

  “Sorry I’m late.” Connor said, realizing he’d been very quiet so far. He unlocked the car and waited for her to climb in before closing the door for her and heading around to the driver’s seat.

  “You’re not. I was early. I had nothing to do most of the day so I finally just gave up.” She said with a sigh.

  “No billable hours today, counselor?” Connor teased.

  “Don’t tell my father, but I spent at least two hours just shopping online.”

  Connor laughed. He couldn’t see Alexandra spending two hours shopping anywhere. Her professional wear was in excellent taste and well tailored, but it was in basic colors. For the most part interchangeable. Her casual clothes were all good quality, but geared toward comfort. She would-- could-- never be frumpy, but that was due more to her person than her clothing.

  “What in the world were you shopping for?”

  “Christmas presents.” She said, as if it should have been obvious.

  “Y
eah?” Connor laughed. “What did you get me?”

  Alexandra blushed and turned to look out the window.

  Shite.

  “Not that you have to get me anythin’.” He shrugged. “I was just kiddin’ ye, love.”

  “I did get you something, but you won’t find out until Christmas.” She smiled, while biting her lip and managing to look a little bashful. He didn’t want to wreck the Hummer, so he settled for taking her hand and pressing a kiss to her knuckles. Before he could say anything-- though he wasn’t sure what he would say-- she continued. “I also got Amanda these fancy ramekins she’s been drooling over, and a new purse since she’s been carrying the same damn messenger bag since culinary school. It’s a little funky, but that’s just her style, and it’s large enough for all the stuff she carries constantly. I mean, really, who travels with knives for crying out loud? Ooh, and I managed to find a signed first edition of Champagne for One for my Dad.”

  Connor laughed. “Sounds like a productive day.”

  “It’s a start, but it’s still early.” She shrugged. “I have a tendency to go a little overboard, but I can’t help it. Watching people open their gifts is the best part of Christmas.”

  Conor smiled because he felt the same. He could see Alexandra was the type who put lots of thought into her gifts, making sure they were personal and meaningful. It was the same sweetness she’d shown worrying for Janie, cooking for the guys and ordering chinese food for them while he worked.

  He wondered what she would have gotten for him that would have met what was probably very strict criteria on such a short acquaintance. Whatever it was, he was sure he would love it. She seemed to know him so well already.

  He was suddenly nervous about what he should get her. He had been joking when he’d asked. He hadn’t even thought about it so early in the year, but even if he had he would have told himself to wait. The fact that she’d gone ahead and bought something, even if it was just a trinket, meant she had some faith in them. Two months worth of faith was still faith.