by Lucy Coleman
That’s a tough legacy with which to come to terms for anyone. From a tender age, the men in his life, who should have been there to guide and support him, failed him – albeit in very different ways. Does he fear that those traits will eventually surface within him? That thought sends a chill to my stomach and my heart aches for him.
17
A Closer Association
‘You look happy,’ I remark, as I let Ronan in through the door. ‘I’m guessing you had a good day.’
The last week has flown by and when we’ve not been working, we’ve been inseparable. It’s the tonic I needed, as money is now really tight, so I’ve applied for a business loan. At the moment, no one – including Elliot – is aware of the situation. And I need to keep it that way until it’s all sorted.
‘I did, actually. Productive and, oh, I received some good news.’
‘Come on up. Have you eaten? I was going to wait for you, but I was starving. I can rustle something up.’
‘No. I’m good. I had a late lunch with Solange, which turned into a bit of a celebration. I assume she told you?’
‘That Philippe has asked her to marry him? Yes. Is it still a secret?’
He nods, striding over to the sofa and gratefully easing himself down into it with a groan.
‘So, come on, what have you been up to?’ I enquire.
His smile is lighting up his face.
‘Solange isn’t the only one taking her relationship to the next level. My mother rang to break the news that she and Frank got married this week at the local registry office.’
I look at him, rather puzzled. ‘And she didn’t invite you?’ I ask, hesitantly.
‘She didn’t invite anybody. They grabbed a couple of witnesses from the waiting room. That’s just her style. She’s not big on being the centre of attention and I’m only delighted Frank finally talked her into it. Anyway, they are heading off on a three-week tour of Europe. The second stop is Versailles.’
I sink down on the sofa opposite him.
‘Is that wise? I mean… old memories and things.’
He sits up, resting his hands on his knees, and looks at me with a frown furrowing his brow. ‘I thought the same thing at first, but she said it’s time to put the past behind her. Revisiting my grandmother’s house shows this isn’t lip-service, and she really does mean to move on. She says that with Frank beside her she knows she can do it and it gives her a chance to check up on me.’
Now he grimaces. ‘Which is why I’m here. I wanted to ask you a big favour.’
I look at him enquiringly. ‘Of course. Anything.’
‘They’re arriving on Saturday and will stay at the house overnight. I don’t really want to take them out to a restaurant, which isn’t a problem as I can easily cook, but it would be a little easier if I had some help. Even if it’s just to keep the conversation going while I’m in and out with the food. It’s a lot to ask, I know, but—’
‘Hey, it would be my pleasure. I’ll help you get the house ready, too. This is a big deal for her, well, for them and for you. Consider me signed up.’
He looks relieved. ‘Thanks, Lexie. That means more to me than you realise. And it deserves a hug.’
Ronan’s words carry a sincerity that stops me in my tracks for a moment and as he walks around the coffee table I stand, relaxing into his arms as he folds himself around me. I think he’s in need of a little reassurance and I can tell he has mixed emotions about the visit. After a few moments I look up at him and he takes the opportunity to kiss me softly on the lips. Kissing him back, this time he responds with vigour. This feels so good and so right. To know that he’s turning to me for comfort is reassuring.
However, as I nestle into him again, I feel bad not saying anything about George. But last night in bed I mulled it over for a long time. Ronan is an experienced researcher and he knows the questions to ask, and where to go to find information. Maybe there’s an element of self-preservation in the fact that he hasn’t been able to get the answers he’s looking for about his grandfather. He must have said something to alienate George at some point.
Obviously, Ronan’s mother doesn’t know any more than he does. George may be the last surviving person with any knowledge of what went on at that time, but I wonder how accurate even his account could be after all these years. Especially as it sounds as though he didn’t get on particularly well with Fabien. Could there be an element of payback involved in this? I’d hate to think that George was a vindictive person, but how would I know whether or not that’s the case?
I look up to see Ronan watching me with interest.
‘You are sure about this, are you? Be warned – however I introduce you, my mother will know instantly that there’s something going on between us.’
‘I’d be disappointed if she didn’t pick up on that.’ I laugh.
Ronan’s hands slide down to my waist and he lifts me off the floor quite effortlessly, until our eyes are on the same level.
‘I can’t get you out of my head, lady. You know what you’re doing to me, don’t you?’ he groans. ‘Whenever I’m around you I can’t even think straight any more.’
When he lowers me back onto my feet, he grabs my hands in his and excitement bubbles up inside me. I look up at Ronan from beneath my eyelashes, flirtatiously.
‘I’ll take that as a good sign that we’re moving in the right direction, then.’
His look is one of amusement, but I have to catch my breath as my eyes travel over his face. Ronan makes me want to ignore the voice in my head advising me to do the sensible thing and take this slowly, or risk being disappointed. That adrenaline high doesn’t always last and the fall, afterwards, can leave you feeling hollow.
Whatever happens next, although I’ve only been living here for a few weeks, it’s already beginning to feel like a lifetime. One I could never, ever have anticipated.
‘I have another dog,’ I announce, looking across at Ronan, and he immediately stops reading.
‘The Bulldog, this time.’
‘In what context?’
‘Grandma was taking soil samples, she doesn’t say who she was with, but she says, “The Bulldog appeared, even stopping to chat for a few moments. I was nervous in his presence, afraid I would say the wrong thing, but he wasn’t checking up on what we were doing” and then she goes on to talk about an evening out. It was someone’s birthday, but she doesn’t give any details.’
‘The Terrier and now the Bulldog. This notebook I’m reading is fascinating from a gardening point of view, but there isn’t much else in here really. She mentions posting letters back home but, again, no names. I sort of sense she was a little homesick but then this was probably, what, towards the end of her first month here, I would think.’
I’m not sorry we haven’t discovered anything revealing. Clearly, Grandma was aware of the personalities and friction involved, maybe even witnessed some of the arguments and that’s why she exercised caution in her notes. For my purposes, I’m beginning to feel I’m journeying with her and I can’t really ask for more than that. To Ronan I’m sure this is a growing disappointment. Another step towards giving up on his quest to discover the truth about his grandfather maybe.
‘If this is getting too tedious, please say, Ronan. Eventually I’ll work through them all but I don’t think we’re going to find anything to help your research.’
He leans his head back against the cushions, looking relaxed and mellow.
‘I think you’re right, but I’m enjoying reading about life here in the early sixties. Vivian talks about trees that are long gone and areas that are now so different even she wouldn’t recognise them any more. It’s fascinating reading.’
‘I agree, but I think it’s time we put this away. Let’s do something else.’
He looks surprised. ‘Okay. Let’s head out and grab a drink. Somewhere with some noise and bustle. How does that sound?’
‘Perfect.’
Ronan makes a neat little pile of s
ome loose sheets of paper he’s been scribbling on, his A4 pad and Grandma’s notebook, while I head upstairs to run a brush through my hair. I add a touch of lipstick and a squirt of perfume. The reflection looking back at me in the mirror is someone who is happy and content, because the smile comes from within.
As we head out through the gates, Ronan catches hold of my hand.
‘Thanks for your support. You know, helping to keep my mother happy this coming weekend. I want her to head off on her little European tour without a care in the world. If she thinks she’s leaving me in the hands of a warm-hearted, kind and intelligent woman, she’ll be delighted.’
I burst out laughing. ‘And I’m all of those things?’
‘Yes, you are. And totally adorable. And sexy. And—’ He pauses, mid-thought. ‘And there are times when you drive me crazy. I don’t mean in an annoying way, of course.’
I can feel the heat tingling in my cheeks and suddenly he spins me around, wrapping me up in his arms as we come to a standstill.
‘I’m not sure that came out right, actually. But you know what I mean. Somehow, I’m a better person when I’m around you; more positive and life feels good. Now it’s your turn. Did I make a good first impression?’
The answer isn’t one I can voice. There was a vulnerability in him that was so tangible, it touched my heart – and that’s what grabbed me from the start. Even when he was surrounded by people, there was a quality to him that screamed loneliness and an innate sadness, too. Now there is no comparison at all to the version of him I see before me now.
‘I found you annoyingly interesting from day one, although you came across as a little offhand,’ I admit, toying with him a little.
‘Offhand?’ he questions, indignantly. ‘I was trying to impress you! That was me being cool… and enigmatic.’
‘Then you were trying way too hard.’ I retort.
Ronan tilts his chin, resting his forehead against the top of my head.
‘I’m sorry about that. I’m out of practice and I never was a natural charmer.’
He kisses my cheek, working his way around to my mouth. My toes begin to tingle and I don’t really want him to stop. When we eventually release each other, he catches my hand again as we resume walking.
‘You mentioned it was a productive day?’
He nods his head, enthusiastically.
‘It was. I’ve made some tough decisions about book three. I will finish it off, but the emphasis will change slightly. I’ve decided I have no choice but to work with the information I have. I’m done chasing the impossible and looking for answers that simply aren’t there.’
It’s a relief to hear him say that. I can fully appreciate how difficult it is to let go of something you’ve pursued with a passion. But the decision can only be his and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, so I simply squeeze his hand. Ronan sounds happier, as if at last he’s free of a monumental task he never relished in the first place.
A suicide in the family is a traumatic thing to deal with for those left behind. How did it affect his grandmother, when her husband took his own life? I ask myself. And Ronan’s mother, losing her father in that way? Do the scars ever heal, and if they don’t, for someone as sensitive as Ronan, that’s a tough thing with which to make your peace. I really hope this decision doesn’t feel like defeat to him, or that he’s letting anyone down, but the decision of a man who has learnt that acceptance can sometimes bring inner peace.
I can empathise with that. For a long time after my father’s death I blamed him for choosing a job that took him away from us. So far away that in his time of greatest need no one could help him. I believed there was a chance that his life might have been saved if he’d been at home with us. I felt angry with him for taking that risk, because our lives were suddenly filled with pain, sorrow and regret. Youth and inexperience are not good tools for handling the harsher side of life or having a balanced point of view.
‘And what are your plans beyond book three?’
‘I have two options. I’ve been offered a job as a lecteur in the languages department at the Versailles Saint-Quentin-en-Yvelines University. I’d have enough time to get this book finalised before the start of the new academic year. But I’m enjoying this little stint filming again. It’s made me stop and think about the future in a slightly different way. A part of the reason why I walked away from my career was to spite my father. That might have been a big mistake in hindsight. So, I’m torn at the moment.’ He turns to look at me, grinning. ‘But I’m working on it,’ he assures me.
There’s a sparkle in his eyes that tells me he thinks his life is about to change in lots of ways. Could this spark between us turn into something more permanent? I miss my family so much but being here feels so natural. Maybe it’s because spring is so invigorating, everything is going well despite the upset with Elliot and suddenly it feels as though fate is smiling on us all.
Is this the missing link I’ve been searching for all my life? A sense of belonging? I mistakenly linked home and family to that word in the past, because I didn’t know any different. And yet, here I am with someone I’ve only known for a few weeks. But when I’m with Ronan I feel I belong… maybe not here specifically, but with him. He has turned my world upside down.
‘Lexie,’ Ronan’s voice interrupts my thoughts. ‘I’ve fallen in love with you and I have no idea how I’m going to handle this, because it’s a first for me.’
‘Bye, Auntie Lexie.’ Maisie disappears as she hands the phone back to Shellie. But then I see her blowing an exaggerated kiss to me in the background and I blow one back.
‘How I miss my little angel.’ I sigh.
‘Well, you’re probably better off out of it at the moment, Lexie,’ Shellie admits. ‘With everything that’s going on here we’re all a little on edge, if I’m honest.’
‘Gosh, that’s not like you to sound so defeatist. Are you feeling okay?’
‘Yes. My jelly belly is growing by the day and judging by the shape of me I think it might be a… boy.’ She turned to check that Maisie was out of earshot before saying the final word. ‘Boys are not the favourite choice right now,’ she continues in a soft whisper. ‘No, this is about Jake, really.’
I’ve been so caught up with what’s happening here that it’s easy to switch off and forget about the problems back in the UK. Especially now Mia is within a day or two of being able to leave hospital and Elliot is talking about flying back in about two weeks’ time.
‘Oh.’
‘Mum has summoned us all to a family meal on Wednesday evening, so that Jake can meet Maisie for the first time. I’m fuming about it. I have to go along with it for Mum’s sake, but this is all wrong. I swear if Jake fell out of a plane he’d land on his feet and walk away without breaking a sweat.’
Shellie is annoyed and I fully understand that.
Jake created a lot of havoc and family discord. After he sacked me, Shellie was the one who helped me keep it all together. She was my crutch at a time when my pride was in tatters; she refused to let me hide myself away and forced me to plaster on a smile. Because of her insistence, I quickly realised that one apparent failure didn’t mean every door was shut to me. And I took the first job offer that came my way, albeit because I had no choice. But there was no time to wallow in self-pity.
It was only a few days later that Jake left for the States, with seemingly nothing rattling his conscience over the mess he was leaving behind.
It’s only natural that Mum is going to welcome her only son back into the nest. I understand that and it’s a maternal thing. But to try to force it on Shellie, well, that’s not fair. If I were there would she be roping me into her little celebratory ‘welcome home’ dinner for him, ignoring the real damage he did?
‘Just get through it as best you can and if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing. Even if Mum doesn’t rethink her decision, it doesn’t mean you’re obliged to have anything to do with him. In future, you could simply pi
ck her up and take her out for the day. You sure as hell don’t have to socialise with him if you don’t want to.’
I can feel her sense of frustration. She doesn’t want to hurt Mum, but, in all honesty, I don’t think I could go and sit round a table with him as things stand. So, I know exactly how she’s feeling.
‘Of course, Maisie is excited to meet her uncle and I have to be so careful not to influence her unfairly. Oh, this is a nightmare, Lexie, and I so wish you were here. How am I going to get through the next seven weeks until you come home?’
My stomach does a little somersault. Shellie has no idea what’s happening at my end. I can’t simply blurt out the fact that Ronan has grabbed my heart in a very real way, and that on Saturday Ronan and I are spending time with his mother and her new husband, as a couple. She’ll think I’ve lost my mind.
A warm glow makes me close my eyes for a brief second, realising that something deep inside me is saying Ronan is the one. Is this really how it happens, just like that? Quite how we’d make it work, I have no idea at all. But now is not the time to share this with Shellie and add to her worries. I feel bad that she can’t just sit back and enjoy her pregnancy, but is dealing with the fallout of our latest family crisis.
‘You can’t tie yourself up in knots over it, Shellie. Plaster on a smile and be polite. Jake will, no doubt, commandeer the conversation anyway. You need to tell Drew how anxious you are about it all. He’ll think of an excuse to make a quick exit if things start to get out of hand.’
She makes a sound that comes out like a disparaging snort.
‘What is most upsetting is that Mum is so set on everyone “making up”, as she refers to it, as if we’d had some sort of childish squabble. If she sits at the table looking at Jake with adoring motherly eyes I will walk out, I swear. He did wrong and maybe we were wrong, too, for protecting her from the real impact of his actions.’