“Are you all the family of Savannah Carpenter?” he asks, his accent confirming that he is of Middle Eastern descent.
Every single person answers in the affirmative, except Cam and Claire. Pussy…
“May I see you all in the waiting room, please?” he announces, and something settles over me, something I refuse to give thought to.
Doctors only bring people into waiting rooms to deliver bad news…
We pile into the room, leaving Cam and Claire behind. Becky grips my hand, nervousness and worry making her shake like a leaf.
Or maybe that’s me…
“Miss Carpenter had a hard fall,” he tells us. “She hit her head pretty hard but, luckily, it was in a grassy area. If it had been on the concrete or on a rock, we might have had a different outcome.”
My iron grip squeezes Becky’s hand, but she doesn’t yelp in pain or pull away. Mrs. Carpenter whimpers and her husband pulls her tighter to him, almost in an attempt to shield her from the news the doctor is delivering.
“What does that mean, doctor?” Mr. Carpenter demands.
“It means that we have stabilized any swelling, and we have her in observation,” Dr. Ramkisoon answers with a soft, reassuring smile.
I want to hug and kiss the man. Relief seems to sweep through all of us at once. We all sag and release huge breaths. She is okay…
“We can allow you to see her,” the doctor informs us and we are already rushing toward the door when his voice halts us. “But you can see her one by one or at most in pairs. Only family members.”
Mr. Carpenter thanks Doc Ramkisoon and both he and his wife take the first visit. I go outside and update Claire while Becky tells Cam. Claire kisses me on the cheek then hugs me, comforting me as I wait.
Grayson and Becky go in after Savi’s parents. I have never seen Mrs. Carpenter cry as much as she has tonight. I see her vulnerability, feel it even, but what is most apparent to me is how strong her husband is for her. He is her rock as their daughter lies in a hospital bed and I wonder if I can be half the man he is.
After Grayson and Becky leave, a nurse comes in to announce that they will only accommodate one last visit and that we should decide on which two of the family members will go next. Everyone looks at me, even Cam. His eyes are resigned, as if he knows that he’s inferior when it comes to Savi and me.
Lisa is the one who breaks the silence and says what everyone is thinking, “You should go see her, Kyle.”
Rising on shaky legs, Claire grasps my hand in support. I kiss her forehead before making my way to Savannah’s room. Opening the door, I notice how dim the lighting is inside her room. Doctor Ramkisoon is checking her chart and when I enter, he looks up and gives me a warm smile.
“The lights are low as we do not want the brightness to have any adverse effects on her. As little exposure to light as we can give her, the better,” he explains. “I will leave the two of you now.”
The doctor leaves me alone, but I don’t inch further into the room. I am rooted to the spot as I stare at my girl – purple hair fanned out on the white pillows, skin pale and looking like some kind of gothic angel. There is white bandage on her forehead, and she is hooked up to different IVs. She takes my breath away…even in a hospital bed.
“Kyle?” her tiny voice calls in confusion.
Quick feet carry me to her bedside. I lean down and kiss her cheek, my lips tingling with the contact.
“W-what’re you doing here?” she stutters and I silently “bless her heart” at the silly question.
“Like I’d be anywhere else right now,” I answer matter-of-factly, snorting in derision.
A genuine smile brightens her face before she winces in discomfort. It’s then I realize the stitches in her bottom lip and the bruise on her cheek. My fists curl tight wanting to put Cam in her place – all banged and bruised up – but I don’t waste any more time or thought on that idiot. He never deserved her in the first place.
“Wanna know the first thing I thought about, just before I hit the ground?” she asks, clearing her throat.
Hit the ground…
The image does things to me and I close my eyes to clear the awful picture from my mind. She’s here. She’s alive. That is what matters.
I brush hair from her face, tenderness, relief and love – pure and fierce – battling inside me. I almost lost her. So goddamn sobering…
“What’s that, Crazy Hair?”
She smiles at my name for her before answering, “That I’d never see you again.”
My heart thuds in my chest because the painful truth is: I thought the same damn thing.
“But…” she continues. “The thought of haunting you for life sounded just as good.”
I bellow out a laugh and Savi winces, but smiles brightly at me and I get a glimpse of heaven. The nurse chases me out at the sound of my boisterous laughter. Everyone stares at me still chuckling, wiping happy tears from under my eyes.
“Guys, she’ll be fine,” I say confidently, realizing her sense of humor is still intact. “She’ll be just fine.”
My crazy-haired fighter.
Chapter Seventeen – This isn’t a Conundrum…This is a Clusterfuck
Kyle – Past
“CAN YOU STOP fussing over me?” Savi snaps, batting away my hands. I had lifted her to take her to the bathroom after she mentioned she needed to go.
She had been released a few days ago and her parents took her back to our hometown. Claire didn’t like it, but I made sure to come home this weekend to help out where I could. So far, Savi’s being a bigger pain in the ass than she usually is.
“Savi, stop fighting me!” I argue, laying her back down on the bed.
“Goddamn it!” she yells, holding her head and wincing in pain afterwards.
I rush to her and touch her forehead, worrying she might be in severe pain. Dr. Ramkisoon told us to watch out for head pains so I’m taking no chances.
“Stop it, Kyle,” she fights, stubbornly glaring at me.
“I just need to know if you’re okay, Sav.” I go to lift her again, but she just pushes my hands away again. “I’m trying to help, Savannah, goddammit!”
“I’m not a baby, asshole!” she seethes.
“But you’re mine!” I blurt out; my mouth going faster than thoughts can catch.
Surprisingly, that rips the fight from her. She lays back gently, watching me warily, not saying a word in edgewise, and allows me to help her up. I refuse to look at her because of what I said, and her silence tells me she wants to talk about it. But I can’t. If I do, I’ll do something I can’t take back…
Kiss or hurt her; either way I’ll hurt her in some way.
I sit on the floor outside of her bathroom, waiting for her to finish. Spike totters over to me and rests a sad head on my leg. This is the most subdued I have seen him. He hasn’t been terrorizing Savi like he always does and that is out of character for him. I know it’s because he senses she isn’t well. Dogs are so perceptive.
“Hey, buddy,” I whisper as I lightly rub his head. “She’ll be okay.”
His response is a soft whimper before he rubs his face into me. The door knocks and his focus shifts to it. Savi slowly opens it and pokes her head out, looking for me. Her eyes catch me on the floor before it shifts to her arch nemesis. They stare at each other before Spike gets up, rubs his nose against her fuzzy slippers and trots off.
“He’s been…peaceful,” she notes, taking her time to shuffle out of the bathroom. “Am I gonna have to kick you in the shin for trying to carry me?”
Holding my hands up in surrender, I shake my head and stand up. We are facing each other now. Looking down at the purple-haired sprite with a bunch of things unsaid between us, I can’t help but touch her. Slippery slope, but there isn’t much I can help when I’m around her.
My knuckles meet her cheek in a barely-there touch and her eyes flutter closed. I wish I could do what I have been yearning to do for the longest while. I am starting to forg
et how her lips taste, how she feels. Her eyes open, as if she knows what I’m thinking, and she bites down on her bottom lip. Something stirs in my stomach and an urge I’ve long tamped down pushes me to step toward her.
“Let’s go for a drive,” she chirps, stepping away from me and plastering on a bright smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
The small fire inside me ebbs away and I want to smack myself for even thinking of taking advantage of her in her fragile state. I’m always doing this, always wanting things on my time and terms; never thinking about what she wants or what is best for her. Have I ever really been a friend to her?
No. No I haven’t.
Nodding, I smile, missing the times when we used to hang out and eat…
“Pop Tarts and purple soda?” I suggest, the thought of our pastime already warming me from the inside out.
“Hell yeah,” she agrees before dashing off – well, going as fast as she can go without hurting her head.
Twenty minutes later, we are on the road, Pop Tarts and purple soda in hand, music low with the sounds of some primates feeling good. Savi has shades on to protect her from the glare of the sun, but her windows are down, and her hand is out riding the motion of the wind. I can’t help but smile at the contented feeling I’m experiencing. I am barely driving forty miles, but I am in no hurry to end this time with my best friend…
Despite the horns blaring behind me to drive the fuck faster, and the drivers passing me in a rage and flipping me the finger. I’m in fucking fairytale land, so y’all can suck it.
We arrive at Cape Aventura and get out after I turn the engine off. Savi kicks off her slippers before sinking her toes in the sand. The smile on her face is so infectious that I can’t help but stare at her with my lips curved in happiness too.
“There’s something about the sand back home,” she murmurs as she stares down at her feet. “The beaches in Florida are nice but I always feel like I don’t belong there, as if something’s missing there.”
She hugs herself as she stares out at the beautiful blue waters that our home offers, and in that moment, I know exactly what she means. Maybe it is the warm and friendly nature of North Carolinians, maybe the pleasant climate we experience even in winter. Maybe it is the sprawling, breezy coastline like the one we are taking in right now. Maybe it is the rich history. Or, just or…maybe it is this beautiful purple-haired woman that is filling my sight.
Whatever it is, North Carolina is home.
“What’s missing is the feeling of home, Sav,” I theorize, stepping around to the front of my car and sitting on the hood.
She looks back at me as if she knows exactly what I’m saying, like she knows that we are each other’s home and that that is what has been missing. But she doesn’t vocalize it, and neither do I. Too scared to voice what I’m feeling. Too scared of being rejected for it.
Pulling out our snacks, I shake them in her direction and she smiles before approaching me and taking a Pop Tart. We dig into our sweet treat and sip on our fizzy soda, lost in the beauty of home. Lost in the beauty of our time together.
A strangely cold breeze whizzes around us and Savi shivers. I pull her closer and tuck her under my arm, hoping to warm her up. She looks up at me then, but I need to see her eyes. Taking her glasses off, she squints and blinks a few times, trying to adjust to the light. After a few seconds, I finally see her pretty blue eyes.
Taking my cell phone from my pocket, I open it and go to the camera app, snapping a picture of my best friend. I have hundreds of her – I’m slightly obsessed – but I can’t help but add to my stash.
Savi looks at the snapshot and giggles before pulling out her own phone and capturing a picture of me and then one of us together. It is a beautiful evening that I’m glad I get to spend with her.
The wind kicks up once more and whips her hair across her face. Brushing the purple locks away, my fingers linger on the apple of her cheek and her eyes flutter closed. She licks her lips and rubs her cheek into my hand, and I don’t know why that makes my chest swell with protectiveness. Even if it’s protection from me.
Pulling my hand away from her beautiful face, I turn away, knowing that if I don’t…
Everything in me demands I kiss her and claim her, but my ringing cell phone breaks the tension. My caller ID flashes Claire’s name across the screen. I contemplate answering, but I also don’t want to interrupt this moment Savi and I are having. Yet, if I don’t, it will only worry my girlfriend.
My girlfriend…
“I wish things were different,” Savi’s soft, sad voice cuts through my indecision.
The weight of her words hangs in the pit of my stomach like a block of regret. Our hearts cry out in sorrow as we stare at each other, the strings reaching out desperately, but knowing we can’t afford to entwine even more than we already are. I feel the painful loss as she walks away from me and toward the beach, but I don’t chase after her.
She wishes things were different, but they aren’t. I wish we could go back to old times, but we can’t. Wish things were not so complicated between us…
But they are.
After talking with Claire, and feeling like a first-class prick, I know what I have to do. Claire doesn’t deserve my indecision and I don’t deserve her. She is the sweetest woman, supportive no matter what. She trusts and loves me. I either give her a man to trust or leave her alone.
Savi and I drive back to her parents’ in silence, letting the words of that rock group singing about an avenue on the ocean say all we need to say. The song takes me back to when we were sixteen and everything felt so right between us. We were friends in the truest sense despite the feelings between us, and I miss that.
The past few years have been wrought with hurt and brokenness. More than that, they have been filled with unsaid feelings and moments that will lead us down roads we probably could never come back from. Like Claire, Savi doesn’t deserve the mixed signals. And I don’t deserve her. Probably never did.
What almost happened tonight can never happen between us again, but we also need to find a middle ground, because a life without Savannah in it will not work for me.
I pull up to her house and keep the car idling behind her Dad’s Highlander while I get out and help her out of the car and inside the house. She doesn’t fight me when I carry her up the steps to her room and lay her in bed. I thank every deity known to man that she gave me this small concession. I do the smart thing and not call her out on it.
When I turn to leave, she catches my hand. It takes me a moment to turn around, but when I do, I stare into her tired eyes, hoping she doesn’t see my world shattering in mine.
“Thank you for today,” she mutters, squeezing my hand. Then she says what I didn’t know I’ve wanted to hear for so long: “You’re a great friend and I’m glad I get to call you bestie.”
I don’t know how she knows just what to say. She always does.
“Don’t let Becky hear you say that,” I joke. “She just might find a way to kill me so that she can get the top spot.”
She laughs at that, but there are days I feel like it’s true. Becky is more territorial than a Doberman on steroids when it comes to our purple-haired friend.
“I think she and Grayson are gonna battle it out one day,” Savi adds, chuckling.
When her Dad brings my keys to me and her Mom brings us dinner, I realize I am here longer than I expected to be, chatting with my best friend like it’s old times.
“If you could choose between a bald head and a ponytail, would you let me shave you?” Savi asks and I burst into laughter.
“What the fuck?” I laugh until I’m wheezing.
“Hey, man, how else are we gonna test how close we are if you don’t let me near your precious head of hair?” she deadpans, and it makes me laugh even more.
In no time, the corners of her lips tip up and she is smiling then laughing.
“You’re an idiot,” I continue laughing at her.
And wh
en Spike appears at her door, staring at us with a “shut the fuck up” look, we lose it even more.
I didn’t think it was possible, but I leave the Carpenters’ that much lighter.
The next day, I go to see her before I head back to Duchannes. The reality has been weighing on me all morning. Her mom and Spike lead me to her room before Mrs. Carpenter wishes me a safe journey back with a kiss on the cheek.
She is almost to the stairs when she turns back to me and says, “How long are y’all gonna do this?”
I’m confused, my brows knitting together as I try to decipher what in the name of God she’s talking about. Spike looks between us then he looks at me with a deadpan, as if he understands what Mrs. Carpenter is saying. Then this dog shakes his head and huffs – huffs! – at me, as if I’m some kind of pathetic idiot.
Mrs. Carpenter chuckles before scooping Spike up and muttering into his white fur, “One day he’ll get it, Spike.”
They disappear down the stairs and I’m left baffled. I think Spike is a human trapped in a dog’s body…
Knocking lightly on her door, I enter Savi’s bedroom, finding her standing in front of her mirror with her hand in her hair. I look at her sadly because I know what she is looking for. The scar. The one that tells a horror so terrifying that it sends a chill down my spine.
I almost lost her.
“Hey,” I say to her.
“Hey,” she says back, her hand falling to her side. “Come to say g’bye?”
I smile; it is all I can do. I don’t want to say the words.
She doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I am leaving any further, just announces, “I’m starving.”
We go downstairs in silence where I make her eggs, bacon, and toast. She doesn’t fight me when I feed her, acquiescing easily as if she knows I need this. When she has eaten everything, I flick away crumbs from the corner of her mouth…at the same time her tongue darts out to lick it away.
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