My voice came out harsh and unyielding. “Untie me.” I sounded incredibly calm considering I felt like I couldn’t get enough air.
His expression was blank, guarded and unreadable. He touched a hand to mine, and the binding instantly fell away. I drew my arms around myself.
Immediately I felt better. In control.
“Thank you,” I said. Probably, I shouldn’t have thanked him. That was the number-one rule in the Unseen Realm. Even so, he’d thanked me on occasion, stating he trusted me not to extract a price for his gratitude.
I wanted to say I felt the same way about him.
The panic was still there, ebbing away like a wave of molasses, millimeter by millimeter. I could breathe, but my heart still thrummed wildly. I felt overwhelmed and uncertain about what I wanted versus what my magic wanted. I hated how stupid my affinity made me.
“I’m sorry.” Tears filled my eyes. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
His eyes were wary. He said nothing. Just when I’d gotten past his emotional armor, I had to ruin everything between us. I wanted to say something to explain myself, to make the moment better, but words often eluded me at times like this.
I hugged my arms around myself more tightly. “I think I was having a panic attack.”
He swallowed. “Did I misunderstand you?”
“Misunderstand? No, yes, maybe. What do you mean?” This was a lot to think about at the moment, and I was still trying to get my head together.
“Was this what you wanted when you came to me?” He waved a hand at the drapes of the canopy bed. “Or was it only what your affinity wanted . . . after I touched you?”
“I want you. It isn’t just my affinity. I’ve always wanted to be with you, but you said it would be unprofessional. You said you could never be with me, so I didn’t think you actually would go this far.” He’d always pushed me away before. That had been safer. Love was scarier. Maybe that was where my panic came from.
“I changed my mind. I decided . . . I was ready for love.” He drew the sheet over me, tucking it around me. “Did you . . . change your mind?”
“No. I still want to be with you. I just got overwhelmed by everything.”
“By everything? By me, you mean. Pray, what did I do that vexed you?” His lips pressed into a flat line. His words suggested that scowl was directed at himself not me, but I couldn’t be sure.
“I wasn’t mad. I just got . . . I don’t know.” After how adamant he’d been about needing me to trust him, how he didn’t want a relationship with someone who was suspicious of him, I could only imagine how well this was going to go over. If I told him I was afraid he’d lost control and was going to use pain magic on me and tying me up and blindfolding reminded me of every other horrible boyfriend experience I’d had, I didn’t doubt my lack of faith in him would hurt him. He would hate me forever. I wouldn’t be surprised if he shoved me out the door, with or without clothes.
“I believe you do know what upset you. In case you haven’t guessed, there’s no use in lying to me.” He attempted a smile, but it didn’t touch his eyes. “In addition to my superior training in clairvoyance, divination, and empathetic abilities, it is clear to all you’re a horrible liar.”
I tried to wiggle out from under the blankets to hug him, but he had done a thorough job of tucking me in. It took me a moment to loosen one arm and reach under the sheet for him.
He shook his head. “No.” He took my hand and placed it back on my side of the bed. “Use words, not touch right now.”
He covered me again, though I noticed now how he didn’t touch me as he did so. He used an elbow to pin the covers in front of himself, a divide of fabric between us.
I understood why he didn’t want me to touch him. He didn’t want my affinity to overpower my mind. Or for it to overpower me.
I didn’t want to hurt him. This was supposed to be a happy moment, not an emotional rollercoaster. “I need a hug,” I said.
“No. Tell me what’s wrong first. I won’t have you regretting this decision. There will be no going back after this. At least there won’t be for me. It has been hard enough as it is.” The sorrow in his eyes was as tangible as a lake of tears.
“I’ve wanted this moment too. I still do. I don’t regret wanting to be with you.” I yearned to touch him more than ever. I wished I could have held his hand and kissed his forehead and made that pained expression go away. That wasn’t my affinity talking; it was my humanity. I cared about him.
He watched me, his face a mask made of skin and muscle so still and unmoving he gave nothing away. It was his eyes that hinted at the hurt inside.
The lump in my throat felt like a balloon, expanding and making it hard to breathe. I had to get this over with. “I don’t like being tied up or blindfolded.”
He blinked. His expression was so shocked I would have laughed had the circumstances been different. “You told me you did.”
“When?”
His cheeks flushed pink. “When we were in your bed. It was after Josephine Kimura bit you.”
I hadn’t been vexed before, but I was now. “You’re basing what I like from when I was high on jorogumo venom and I had absolutely zero inhibitions?”
He stared at the white sheet between us, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade of crimson.
“Also, I wasn’t blindfolded,” I said. “And sure, maybe I would like to try something kinky like that someday in the future after we’ve spent more time together, but not our first time really being together.” In his way, Thatch was as clueless as Elric.
He stared with wide eyes. “Oh.”
Relief flooded through me that he wasn’t yelling. But then, he seldom did yell. It was that low ominous rumble when he pretended to be calm that made the alarm bells go off in my head. The genuine surprise in his eyes gave me courage.
“I wasn’t lying when I said I had a panic attack. All these thoughts and feelings started jumbling through me. Illogical thoughts. I want to be with you, I really do, but I started to feel trapped, like I did when Julian confined me with vines.”
He sucked in a breath and nodded his head once. From that, I knew he was listening.
“Or when Derrick held me down and killed me. I had that same horrible sensation of not being in control. I wanted to be able to move and see you and know you were Felix Thatch.” It had been more than that. I had feared there had been something evil in the room. I wanted to know he was the Felix Thatch who cared about me, not the one who would use me for pain magic.
He rolled onto his back and stared up at the red curtains of the canopy. He let out a long sigh. “Merlin’s balls.”
Now that he wasn’t holding the blankets down with his elbow, I tried to wiggle free to give myself more room.
Wrapped in the covers, I was pretty much an armless worm. I hated the feeling of being stuck there. “You enchanted these blankets, didn’t you?”
“I wasn’t trying to trap you.” He tugged on the sheets, and they came free. I breathed easier.
“I realize you’re probably mad at me right now,” I started. “I should probably—”
“I’m not mad at you. I’m vexed with myself.” He turned back to me. Dark waves of hair fell across his cheek. He shook his head to toss them back. “I should have realized what was going on. I didn’t consider Derrick or Julian. All I could think about was my own pride and vanity.”
Now I was the baffled one.
His mouth worked, but no words came out. He placed a hand over mine. “During one of our arguments, or last argument, Gertrude accused me of being a boring and unimaginative lover. I couldn’t keep up with her sexual needs. She was disappointed I acted like a prudish old man in bed. And out of bed.”
My eyes went wide. That coldhearted witch! “Gertrude Periwinkle is a siren. She’s sexually depraved.”
“Not depraved. Just insatiable. As I imagined your appetites might be.” He grimaced. “You’re young an
d lively and have been educated in the arts of lovemaking by a Fae prince. There is nothing I can do that can compare with that. I wanted to ensure our first experience of sexual intercourse was . . . exciting and imaginative. I wanted it to be more thrilling for you than the time with the jorogumo venom. I thought I was giving you what you wanted.”
For all his seriousness, he could be as ridiculous as I was at times. “I didn’t want anything wild and kinky. I just wanted normal—for you to make love to me.”
He squeezed my hand. “In my boring and unimaginative heart, that’s all I wanted too.”
“You could have told me that. Instead, you told me you wanted me to be your captive, and you said the dungeon master got to collect a reward from his naughty student.” I said it in a teasing tone. When he didn’t respond, I poked him in the nose. I was afraid I’d gone too far.
He drummed his long fingers against the mattress of the bed, thinking it over. “Indeed. I can see how that might come off as a bit . . . intimidating. I shall endeavor to be more . . . communicative in the future.”
I swallowed, trying to find the right words. After the lengths I’d gone to in order to show I trusted him, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. “Okay. So I need you to start communicating. Right now.” I rushed on before I changed my mind. “What did you have in mind for that reward? A treat for someone with a pain affinity would be. . . .”
His expression softened. “Are you asking if I would hurt you? In bed?”
“You say it like it should be obvious this isn’t what you’d want, but—”
“No, it isn’t obvious.” He hugged me now and covered my face in kisses. “For you, there will never be pain. Not from me. You are a creature of pleasure.” He stroked my hair away from my face.
I’d never seen such open adoration in his eyes. He could have hypnotized me and kept me from thinking clearly with that gaze.
I forced myself to focus. “There might be pain,” I said. “I might explode lightning at you if I lose control—”
“You didn’t kill me the other day, did you?” A slow smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
That was true.
He arched an eyebrow at me. “Did you worry about all this with Elric?”
“No. He told me he was strong enough.”
“And was he?”
“I guess. But we didn’t actually. . . . I don’t know if we ever made love.” I sighed in frustration, trying to explain. “I told him I wasn’t ready. He was thoughtful and patient and said he had an eternity to wait. And then I was ready, and there was the condom incident. After that, we couldn’t do anything because he was injured. I thought we did after the ball, but there was this strange shimmer around his crotch. I suspected it was a glamour, but I was also pretty out of it with touch magic until I drank your potion.”
He nodded.
Relief washed through me when I saw how he absorbed my words, listening as though I were giving the most important lecture in the world. “Vega told me later that Elric had tricked me to test me, and all that lovemaking had been in my head. Or maybe it wasn’t. I can never tell what is real or what isn’t with Elric—or Vega. She might have just been saying that to try to get under my skin. I was mad at him when I found out he had lied to me about his wives—and everything else. He wanted to get me pregnant, and I don’t want to get pregnant right now. I want to be an art teacher and learn magic.”
It was so humiliating talking about this. I hadn’t been able to control my powers around Elric—which was why Thatch had given me that potion. There was nothing worse to kill the mood than when I talked about everyone my magical vagina had killed so far—or who it might kill in the future. My vision blurred, and I blinked the tears away.
He hugged me closer, tucking my head underneath his chin. “I overestimated your level of experience.”
“I know. I’m twenty-four now, and I’m still afraid of sex. I’m pathetic.”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s quite sensible that you waited. You’ve learned how to control your powers. You aren’t going to pine away for a Fae, living with no other desire than to bear his heirs.” He kissed me once, a quick kiss that felt like a promise. “And I will be gentle with you. I can sense the limits of your pain threshold because of my affinity. Unlike a Fae, I can also sense the limits of your magic.” He kissed my forehead and my cheeks and my chin. “Making love will be a reward for both of us . . . when you’re ready.”
How did he always know what to say? At times he knew exactly what buttons to push to annoy me. He also knew the right words to make me love him beyond all else.
He was so incredibly sweet and selfless. I’d never known such depths of kindness could come from him, and I felt ashamed I hadn’t realized it sooner. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed against his shoulder.
He stroked my back. It was a long moment before he spoke. “What did I do wrong now?”
“I’m just so happy.”
“You are the queerest creature I’ve ever encountered. Aside from teenagers, that is.” He laughed at his own joke. The sound of him laughing made me laugh and cry at the same time.
“How are you feeling?” He smoothed my pink hair out of my eyes. “Do you want to proceed? Or do you need a moment to decide?”
I bit my lip, thinking it over. The comfort of his arms was reassuring and safe. I didn’t feel aroused. Maybe that was a good thing. It meant I hadn’t fallen prey to the whims of my affinity.
“I think I need a minute in your bathroom to freshen up.”
He gave my shoulder a friendly squeeze. “Certainly. When you’re finished . . . if you are willing to give me a second chance, I shall endeavor to behave more—” He sighed overdramatically. “—normally.” The slight curve to his lips told me he was teasing.
I scooted closer to the edge of the bed and hesitated as I neared the perimeter of the blankets. It was cold, and I felt vulnerable because I was naked under the sheet. Nearly naked anyway. All that I wore was the amulet Elric had given me, permanently fastened around my neck, the magic of one of the stones already spent.
Thatch had taken my clothes while I’d been blindfolded. I glanced over my shoulder at him.
“Yes?” he asked.
I hesitated.
“Communication goes both ways, Clarissa.”
“Will you get me my clothes?”
“After all that work of undressing? Why would I do that?” He slid out of bed and strode across the room.
His T-shirt was white cotton and the silk boxers the same gray as many of his tweed suits. Flickers of candlelight danced across his skin, making the white lines of tattoos on his arms and legs look as though they slithered.
I spotted my clothes folded neatly on top of his dresser next to my shoes. He opened a drawer and selected something white. He tossed it to me, his aim veering off to the left. I leaned and caught it.
“You throw like a potions teacher,” I said.
He grinned. “Someday, perhaps you shall give me a lesson in the fine art of motor coordination.”
I shook out the fabric. It was a Thatch-sized T-shirt, a nightgown for me. He examined the books in his case as I slid it over my head. He could be thoughtful and gentlemanly when he chose.
I spent several minutes in his bathroom freshening up. Two of the glowing green stones of the amulet caught in the light. I tucked it under the collar of my T-shirt so I didn’t have to look at it and be reminded of Elric and my impending doom.
Next to Thatch’s toothbrush in a holder was a hot-pink toothbrush that matched my hair color, still in the wrapper. I brushed my teeth, wondering whether he had magicked that there or he just coincidentally kept a toothbrush on hand in my favorite color. Maybe he’d been thinking about this moment for as long as I had.
I had been in love with him for years. Tonight, I’d almost blown it. Either one of us could have withdrawn into one of our emotional fortresses, surrounding our
selves by old hurts, unable to let in any new experiences.
It wasn’t just me who had taken a risk. We’d both allowed ourselves to be vulnerable in order to love. We’d both grown.
Now that I had some distance, I could see I still wanted a relationship with him. I was fortunate he knew me well enough to understand my need for clarity. My desire had lulled to a distant warmth, replaced by fondness and a yearning to be close more than the lust I’d felt in his office.
When I came out, he was sitting in bed under the covers. He’d undressed, the white lace of tattoos visible across his chest. I’d never seen him without a shirt. The lines were intricate Celtic knotwork inked in white that was almost invisible against the pallor of his skin. The tattoos ended at his wrists and covered him up to where there would be a collar at his neck, similar to the yakuza-style tattoos of Japan, able to be hidden under a suit.
It took me a moment to look past his tattoos. The shoulder-length waves of midnight hair were striking against his fair skin. He was tall and lean, but his muscles defined enough to suggest an unassuming sexiness as opposed to an unnatural perfection. His face was so balanced and his hair so beautiful, I’d always assumed he’d been a vain artist who only cared about appearance. It was hard not to compare him with Elric who had sparkled with so much glamour he could have passed as a vampire in a Stephenie Meyer novel. His classical beauty was so in your face, I only wondered now what Elric truly looked like.
I stood there, drunk on the sight of Thatch lounging with a book propped up on his knees. There was nothing hotter than an attractive man with a sexy brain. My wanting him had nothing to do with my affinity. It was all heart and soul.
He glanced up and smiled. “Shall I read you a bedtime story?”
“Sure.” I crawled across the bed and scooted under the covers next to him.
He read, his voice a low lullaby. I couldn’t understand what language he was reading, but it wasn’t anything they taught at Womby’s. I had learned Spanish, Latin, Gaelic, and even some Old High German on my own. It sounded like poetry, or perhaps he read with an innate rhythm in the fluidity of his voice.
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